Those Excuses

Maybe I'm just naturally a hateful person or what, I dunno LOL. But somewhat it irritates me how people would make excuses, like, "why did I choose this life path instead of (....)".

If you know what I mean. If you love your life then good. Why do you even try to justify it to people or society?
I think if you need to justify it then you actually don't quite feel that way....?

That's like one of my friend who sometimes post about how awesome her life is now even though she kinda miss the old life she had.

And then some random days she would message me, "I'm so jealous of you.."

Like.. what?! LOL.

Again, if you love your life then awesome. I don't need to be convinced by your "excuses", why your choice is better than everybody else.

Ambitious but not workaholic

That's how I think about myself. I dunno if other people would think the same or not. Cos honestly even when I was working, I did a lot of other things most times (i.e: playing with my phone, browsing, etc).

I always wake up late. Recently above 9 AM. Hell no to wake up too early in the morning.

I'm lazy. But I'm ambitious. I know the line where I have to say no to my laziness and start to work my ass off.

But I'm not naturally a workaholic. I don't enjoy being too busy. I like to have many spare time for myself.

Imagine if I have kids (which people say you won't be having enough sleep at all). Dang I'd be crazy.

Moving on and never look back

So I think I have written a lot about an ex of mine from around 2012-2013 that had to move abroad for work and then went missing. And then he came back, and went missing again. I also sorta wrote it here about how recently he came back again and called me, texted me and such.

When that happened, although I didn't really feel the same way anymore, I still thought maybe there's still chance between us. Maybe there's something good. Maybe. Maybe. Always positive thinking about love things and well...I kinda remembered how I felt long time ago. I was head over heels.

Anyway, these couple of days (or weeks even), he had been texting me almost everyday. Most of the stuffs he brought up were just really really simple stuffs, like asking what am I doing, what am I going to do, on repeat. Which kinda makes me annoyed. Like, dude, I have plenty other things to do beside responding to your empty texts. Other things he would bring up was just "our things" in the past, which I should remind you (and myself), that these "pasts" were about 4-5 years ago. DUH. I have experienced A LOT of other things and many other potential partners in those 4-5 years. I haven't really thought about you only.
So that was annoying me too, the fact that some of his approaches to me kinda seemed like he thought I can still easily fall back into him. Like he can just show up out of nowhere, praising me a little bit here and there (yes, he mentioned how beautiful I am, how talented I am, etc etc numerous times, which I had no idea what for), and also he would mention some things in the past, like the songs we used to listen to, etc. And I really didn't respond like he expected I would respond. Maybe couple of years ago I would be too excited that he even contacted me. But now? DUDE. BACK OFF. I have no feelings toward you anymore, plus you have been nothing but a jerk during these past 4-5 years. I am just nice enough to not call you any inappropriate names.

It didn't really kick in until recently when his texts were just like one word here and there (and for the note, I didn't text first, never) which reminds me how he works. He likes to do these things to me and I would basically beg for his responses, by trying to be chatty and fun. Not happening anymore, sorry.
Last time also he asked what I was doing and I said I was out drinking with my friends (he doesn't drink due to religious reason), and his response was suddenly kinda "annoyed". Like he also said "I don't think drinking helps with your jetlag". Ummm, sorry, it's none of your business.

Final knock out was 2 days ago when he again texted me pointless text "what are you up to?" to which I replied "shopping and going to cook. BTW, why are you texting me almost everyday now?".

He then replied that he will stop bothering me. Gosh what a weirdo.

Anyways, I then just remembered all the bad stuffs happened between us that it would be totally foolish for me to even go back to that moment again.

Goodbye my past lover..... I'm glad I didn't end up with you...

Upcoming dream comes true..

This is the other part of my life that has been repeated again. The part where I know I'm that close to my dream. Mixed feelings. Excited (for sure) yet scared. Scared of what? Many things. Scared of failure (amit-amit jabang bayi), scared of a change. Changes. Again, something new. That's what I learn about me. I'm always scared about changes, yet I'd die without it. I would be so extremely miserable if I was stuck in the same place for a long time without any improvement.

Now I'm ready for new life that is coming for me. Work life. *fingers tightly crossed*

I like to plan what I would do once I get to that point:
- Find a new place and furnish it based on my absolute taste. I have never had that chance before, I just never had the money. Even after I started working 7 years ago, my salary was not enough for me to do a lot for my own place and its furniture (that will be exactly my taste).
- Plan trips again! Finally! I haven't explored any new countries in years now. Gosh.... I really really really hope next time I can really go to Europe

Honestly those two things would probably be the essential ones. Nothing else I really desire to do after starting my new job. God please help me graduate as soon as possible.. :)

Staying in the U.S

It is funny sometimes how life works. One minute you were in the most down part of your life, and the next minute you are at the top of the world. I think that is what happened to me. Last year I was at my worst condition. I mean, in terms of financial. Also everything didn't look promising to me. I was thinking what would happen next? Will I be able to stay in the U.S? How would I do that? By continuing PhD program? Or maybe by getting married? LOL. The later one does sound pretty crazy, although possible. Maybe very very small chance, though. Work opportunities was very very slim, I didn't even know if that may exist. No company would even glance into my CV, me being an international student.

You would ask, why? Well, first off, this is not my country. Second, oil price was very low. Third, why would they hire me if they would end up needing to sponsor for my working visa? That sounds like a lot of work, indeed. That's why at that time PhD sounded like the only option for me if I wanted to stay here. Although now looking back I would cringe. Seriously, even Masters now I'm already exhausted. I just want to graduate and go back to make money again.

Sometimes I'm amazed about how God works in my life. I feel so lucky a lot of the times. Miracle suddenly happened the start of this year, when the manager of my consortium sent email to us (the students) about an internship opportunity. I of course was pumped to apply. And you know what? Almost nobody took a look at that opportunity. Because almost all of them have gotten internships somewhere else. They even kinda laughed at this one because they never heard of the company before, and it is also located at the worst place of California. I didn't care. I only wanted a job, no matter where it is. In the end it was only me and another PhD student that apply for this internship. We both got the interview, which I was really not sure that I did well. Apparently I did. They decided to give me the internship, and even better, the offer is a lot higher than other students in my consortium got. Crazyness.

I worked my ass of during the internship, while some other people (including my intern friends) would sometimes complain about how much work was demanded from them. I was thinking, "dude, do you want a job or not? Don't whine you crying baby. Oil&gas is not doing that well for you to pick and choose."

I got the job offer from the company. Full time position. Still very much related to my background & experience. And they would even sponsor my working visa right away.

Yes, me. The international student at the worst price of oil. It was like 0% chance of getting a job. It's crazy how life works, eh?

Expired feelings

So my ex wished me happy bday last July 26th, after missing (again) for almost 2 years. Typical him, and I don't even care anymore. Silly thing is he wished me using the same template as he had been usung in the past. So much for a creativity, huh? Anyways, I only replied "thank you!" without asking him anything, LOL. Pretty badass of me, right? I mean, I was head over heels for him, but now, man, it has expired. And actually, I'm so glad about that, because he is just the worst. I don't even understand how a person can be so weird like that. So after I replied thank you, he didn't say anything anymore until yesterday, when he suddenly texted me again "are you still in CO?". So I replied and we were engaged in quite long conversation. Oddly for me, now, I really lost my feelings, so everything I said (or wrote) was just based on curiosity. No expectations, nothing. I asked if he had been with anybody, and he said no. Gosh, what a liar! LOL. I don't understand why he needs to lie all the time. I know what kind of man he is, there is no way he hasn't been with anybody else these past 4 years. But, well, who cares now?

On another note, same thing just happened with another ex (if you can call so) of mine. I called it quit because I realized how big of a jerk he has been. I was just too blind for a while. He recently insisted on meeting up with me in Jakarta which I refused over and over again. Annoying piece of crap *rolling eyes*.

In conclusion, it is funny how deliberating it is to finally have my feelings expired towards someone that had hurt me in the past. Knowing that they still try their best to get back to me (and perhaps hurting me again) is just making me so pissed. Afterall, who do they think they are?