Oh my goodness, it is already almost 2017! Meaning soon I will be 29. Still 20 something, but... well.. all I realize is that no one will ever tell me "oh you are so young" anymore. Well.. except they are 70+ maybe. LOL.
A little bit of flashback about this year, I met my boyfriend exactly one year ago. Did not think that it was gonna be something serious, at all. He wrote his email address and phone number on a paper and left it on my bedroom the day before he left for Austin (he was staying at his mom's house a.k.a my landlord for Christmas). So cute. We ended up talking, emailing and then decided to meet couple of times more after that. Although it is a long distance relationship, I think it is bitter sweet times. Everytime we're together, we are always like a new couple again. I remember when he came to me in Dallas during SEG week, we were having lunch at this Indian place. We were holding hands and staring at each others the whole time that the waitresses said "oh what a love birds...." not in a sarcastic way. Hahhaaha,... I think the LDR thing is one thing that encourages it. Although we are naturally sweet to each other too.
After summer I told his mom that we have been dating the whole time, which really surprised her but she of course was happy about that. She always wanted to match us up anyway.. I was with another guy too for a really brief time, but now I am really sure what we have is different from me and my BF.
Honestly this year is so full of my relationship with my BF and he feels the same way. He was like, "frankly, lately I have been busy talking to you all the time (on the phone)". Hahahaha.. I've been calling him all the time way more than his mom.
Other than that, I've been busy with school, made some progress with my research, finished my classes. Last semester (that just ended) I got 4.0, finally. Although I still had 2 courses that were A-, which was so annoying. So cumulatively it is 3.93 now instead of 4.0. Oh well... that's fine I guess.
I am thinking to continue to PhD, although it is really something I never thought about before. But there's a lot of reasons behind it. Well.. I guess we will see what I will end up doing eventually.
Was talking with my BF about the possibility of us getting married, which is actually really really weird to discuss. Well, first, we've just been dating for a year, long distance, and we have A LOT of differences. But I guess the more we spend time together, the more those difference become less significant. Oh well.. I don't know. I guess talking about it doesn't really mean we are going to do anything soon.
One more thing is, what I really want is honestly to go back earning a lot of money and live with my love. I've been incredibly happy every time I'm with him, so I guess it should be something right.
In the end, I just hope for the best for 2017. Hopefully everything goes as planned, graduate from Masters on May, and see what happens next.
Ciao!
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Merry Christmas!
So this is my second Christmas time with my love. First Xmas was when we actually knew each other for the first time. Haha... We didn't really do much at the day. But it was pretty memorable :)
We went to Austin.. Met his friend that helps with his movies, and then we ate food trucks thingy at some park. It was a beautiful place.. We were going to eat at his favourite vegetarian place "Bouldin Creek" but of course it was closed during Christmas day. Were going to Whole Foods for grocery shopping but again, it was closed. Oh we were also planning to go to art gallery cause he was gonna purchase some painting, buttt... of course it was closed.
Oh BTW I'm talking about the 24th of December. So then we went back to Elgin, went to a sport bar which was not very impressive place. We were just killing time before the midnight mass. And... we went to the mass by the bicycle. I was so touched :) He was actually more Catholic than me, at that time. Haha.. He is not a Catholic, but his mom is. So he is pretty familiar with the ritual, and not hesitant to follow it. Well,, and it was Christmas. Not like I encourage him to go to church every week with me.. Or maybe one day.
The real Christmas day we did not do much either. Was just going to the country side because he was wanting to take pictures of the potential places for his next movie. And... at the very late night I insisted on taking picture in front of the Christmas Tree.
Anyway... We were looking at the photos again yesterday (26th) and he felt bad. He was like.. "I will fix the lighting for you.. tomorrow we will take the same picture again.."
:')
All I want for Christmas is you... *cheesy mode on*
We went to Austin.. Met his friend that helps with his movies, and then we ate food trucks thingy at some park. It was a beautiful place.. We were going to eat at his favourite vegetarian place "Bouldin Creek" but of course it was closed during Christmas day. Were going to Whole Foods for grocery shopping but again, it was closed. Oh we were also planning to go to art gallery cause he was gonna purchase some painting, buttt... of course it was closed.
Oh BTW I'm talking about the 24th of December. So then we went back to Elgin, went to a sport bar which was not very impressive place. We were just killing time before the midnight mass. And... we went to the mass by the bicycle. I was so touched :) He was actually more Catholic than me, at that time. Haha.. He is not a Catholic, but his mom is. So he is pretty familiar with the ritual, and not hesitant to follow it. Well,, and it was Christmas. Not like I encourage him to go to church every week with me.. Or maybe one day.
The real Christmas day we did not do much either. Was just going to the country side because he was wanting to take pictures of the potential places for his next movie. And... at the very late night I insisted on taking picture in front of the Christmas Tree.
 |
| Bae when I was trying out the lighting |
 |
| Turned out to be pretty dark LOL |
:')
All I want for Christmas is you... *cheesy mode on*
Monday, December 12, 2016
Indifferent
Sometimes I think, I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to friendship and family..
Kalo bahasa Indonya, "cuek"...
I wish I could feel the same about love relationship, you know.
It is pretty interesting though that most friendships I have, are pretty loyal to me. As far as I know, most of my closest friends are still in touch with me most of the times. Unlike some people that I know, that basically told me they kinda lose their friendships. It just faded away or something. For me, to be honest, I don't care about it that much. I know it sounds super cocky, and excuse me for that. But really, I never really felt the fear of losing friendships. Or probably I don't care about it that much. But the funny thing is, the more I don't care about it that much, the more they are sticking with me.
Of course I still put some efforts on it, though. Like trying to meet up when they insist. I will make time and such. But I never really take things personally with them. Or maybe sometimes I did, but not much.
I somehow think, "there are still plenty of fish in the sea" in terms of friendship.
I guess when it comes to friendship, I'm a pretty fun person. LOL I know this again sounds super-cocky. But that is true. Unlike love relationship where I kinda "lose" my self and try to look better than I am, with friendships I am always myself. Which includes my indifference, my craziness, my "easy-going"ness and just be me.
Yea I know.. I wish I could really apply it to my love relationship, instead! ;P
Kalo bahasa Indonya, "cuek"...
I wish I could feel the same about love relationship, you know.
It is pretty interesting though that most friendships I have, are pretty loyal to me. As far as I know, most of my closest friends are still in touch with me most of the times. Unlike some people that I know, that basically told me they kinda lose their friendships. It just faded away or something. For me, to be honest, I don't care about it that much. I know it sounds super cocky, and excuse me for that. But really, I never really felt the fear of losing friendships. Or probably I don't care about it that much. But the funny thing is, the more I don't care about it that much, the more they are sticking with me.
Of course I still put some efforts on it, though. Like trying to meet up when they insist. I will make time and such. But I never really take things personally with them. Or maybe sometimes I did, but not much.
I somehow think, "there are still plenty of fish in the sea" in terms of friendship.
I guess when it comes to friendship, I'm a pretty fun person. LOL I know this again sounds super-cocky. But that is true. Unlike love relationship where I kinda "lose" my self and try to look better than I am, with friendships I am always myself. Which includes my indifference, my craziness, my "easy-going"ness and just be me.
Yea I know.. I wish I could really apply it to my love relationship, instead! ;P
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Acceptance
OK... I've been talking a LOT about my boyfriend here lately... (almost a year perhaps). Well for those of you who are my usual readers, you would know already that I am that kind of person. Hopeless romantic! So.. as long as it doesn't make you nearly vomit to read these.. or if you do, well.. well I don't know how to help! LOL
Anyway... one thing again about my sweetie.. He is probably the weirdest human being I've ever known. Even worse, I'm dating that person! LOL.
I don't think most people could date him, you know.. He just has so many non-mainstream kind of views. So many things that are not normal for most people, I guess.
Then why am I still dating him?
To be honest, I don't even know! Or actually I know...
despite all of his quirks, weirdness, limitation, he is probably the sweetest person I've ever been involved with. Well, you would know that if you read my other posts. Every moments I spent with him are always like a movie. Never a dull moment! It involves all of emotions. I cried a LOT also during these times.. But, he was never ever.. EVER.. being mean to me. He has never even talked in a high tone to me. Most times I cried were because of my jealousy, insecurity, and fear of losing "us".
And another thing is he is super honest, so there are a lot of things I wish I never heard from him, like his past, or his thoughts or feelings (that is non-mainstream).
But then.... I am not perfect, either. And frankly, I don't think most people can handle me either, you know. When someone just knew me, they didn't know how fragile I could be, emotionally. And I think a lot of guys cannot handle that. Well at least most guys I've ever been with in the past. And this weird, far-from-perfect guy I'm with right now, he has been handling me really well so far. He assured me most of times. Understands my insecurity.. Accepts me..
And in the end.. isn't that what really crucial in a relationship?
Acceptance. I know it sounds hard, sometimes illogical. But it is true. If you want to be accepted... learn how to accept others, first. Oh well, maybe accept yourself, first. Second, accept the people that you love.
It is still hard for me most of the times.. But I just keep reminding myself every now and then!
Anyway... one thing again about my sweetie.. He is probably the weirdest human being I've ever known. Even worse, I'm dating that person! LOL.
I don't think most people could date him, you know.. He just has so many non-mainstream kind of views. So many things that are not normal for most people, I guess.
Then why am I still dating him?
To be honest, I don't even know! Or actually I know...
despite all of his quirks, weirdness, limitation, he is probably the sweetest person I've ever been involved with. Well, you would know that if you read my other posts. Every moments I spent with him are always like a movie. Never a dull moment! It involves all of emotions. I cried a LOT also during these times.. But, he was never ever.. EVER.. being mean to me. He has never even talked in a high tone to me. Most times I cried were because of my jealousy, insecurity, and fear of losing "us".
And another thing is he is super honest, so there are a lot of things I wish I never heard from him, like his past, or his thoughts or feelings (that is non-mainstream).
But then.... I am not perfect, either. And frankly, I don't think most people can handle me either, you know. When someone just knew me, they didn't know how fragile I could be, emotionally. And I think a lot of guys cannot handle that. Well at least most guys I've ever been with in the past. And this weird, far-from-perfect guy I'm with right now, he has been handling me really well so far. He assured me most of times. Understands my insecurity.. Accepts me..
And in the end.. isn't that what really crucial in a relationship?
Acceptance. I know it sounds hard, sometimes illogical. But it is true. If you want to be accepted... learn how to accept others, first. Oh well, maybe accept yourself, first. Second, accept the people that you love.
It is still hard for me most of the times.. But I just keep reminding myself every now and then!
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Sweet
I really wanted to call him that night but I restrained myself. I was thinking, "man.. I must be a super clingy GF all this time". I found that lately I've been contacting him more often than not. And it's not that he doesn't want to contact me. He's just that busy. And I've witnessed it.
Somehow I still felt a little bit uneasy... But I pushed myself to fall asleep. It was 12 AM the last time I checked my phone.
I think I was peacefully sailing through my dreams when suddenly my cellphone rang..
"what the heck, who's calling me?"
Do you know the feeling when you're so deep into your sleep and forced to "wake up"?
Man I think I was about 20% functioned...
"Hello?"
and there, on the other side.. I could hear my sweet love's voice..
"Baby... I just want to tell you that I love you...",
he told me with his "typical" way of talking. I don't know if I can describe it. Our way of talking is sometimes very unacceptable for adults, maybe. Hahaha...
One time my friend overheard my BF phone call with me and he said, "how can you be attracted to him?" >> because he thought my BF was weird.
Oh well, he is... weird... but a good kind of weird. Addictive kind of weird frankly!
Anyway... I was not fully awake, of course. It was even hard to arrange a sentence with a proper grammar, LOL. The next morning I thought that was probably a dream. But it was on my call log, so I knew it was a real memory.
Wasn't that the sweetest thing ever? Or most annoying thing ever? LOL. Because I checked and it was 12.30 what the heck!? So technically I was just asleep for a bit less than 30mins. And then I would need to struggle to fall asleep again for a while.
Of course I thought that was the sweetest thing ever, though :)
But again.. I'm that "cheesy" type of a person.
Told him later, "you were so sweet.. baby.."
Him:"well usually I would be sweet like that more often. But I've just been busy..!"
Yeaa.. OK then my busy guy... good thing you're sweet, though!
Somehow I still felt a little bit uneasy... But I pushed myself to fall asleep. It was 12 AM the last time I checked my phone.
I think I was peacefully sailing through my dreams when suddenly my cellphone rang..
"what the heck, who's calling me?"
Do you know the feeling when you're so deep into your sleep and forced to "wake up"?
Man I think I was about 20% functioned...
"Hello?"
and there, on the other side.. I could hear my sweet love's voice..
"Baby... I just want to tell you that I love you...",
he told me with his "typical" way of talking. I don't know if I can describe it. Our way of talking is sometimes very unacceptable for adults, maybe. Hahaha...
One time my friend overheard my BF phone call with me and he said, "how can you be attracted to him?" >> because he thought my BF was weird.
Oh well, he is... weird... but a good kind of weird. Addictive kind of weird frankly!
Anyway... I was not fully awake, of course. It was even hard to arrange a sentence with a proper grammar, LOL. The next morning I thought that was probably a dream. But it was on my call log, so I knew it was a real memory.
Wasn't that the sweetest thing ever? Or most annoying thing ever? LOL. Because I checked and it was 12.30 what the heck!? So technically I was just asleep for a bit less than 30mins. And then I would need to struggle to fall asleep again for a while.
Of course I thought that was the sweetest thing ever, though :)
But again.. I'm that "cheesy" type of a person.
Told him later, "you were so sweet.. baby.."
Him:"well usually I would be sweet like that more often. But I've just been busy..!"
Yeaa.. OK then my busy guy... good thing you're sweet, though!
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Thanksgiving
So Thanksgiving holiday is over.. We had a blast for a little bit more than a week in Elgin. Most days we spent by playing cards together (as always with BF's family), cooking, eating. BF's sister is really good at keeping our stomach full all the time. In the morning she will already prepare breakfast and everything. I'm so so so happy. My BF was always sweet all the time as always.
Returning to Colorado, however, makes my heart uneasy. Somehow I feel my love for him has become overwhelming and my insecurity was just heighten like you won't believe. There were some things that annoyed me, although it happened couple of months ago (which at that time we were not in a "committed relationship") that I just found out. It is supposedly insignificant, cos it happened quite some time ago, and to be fair, I was involved with someone else too around that time. But in particular, I am just the most jealous GF you would ever be with, perhaps. Or maybe not. I know several people (of course Indonesian) that are crazier than me in terms of jealousy.. But yea.. basically I am that hardcore if you talk about jealousy.
Anywaay... long story shorts, it was bothering me every now and then... And last night I was being so drama towards my lovely BF. Most of the times he was just incredibly sweet in responding my emotional judgment. But I somehow still pushed him to show me that he loves me more than he does, you know. Yea I'm that insecure and needing assurance every now and then.
We talked and talked almost for 2 hours, which at one point I was happy and assured already, until I was not. I was becoming more and more annoying, pushing him and kinda "testing his boundaries". It ended up pretty late (1 am his timezone) so he just said,"I cannot talk about this anymore. It is pretty late.. Maybe we can talk more tomorrow".
We just then said "night" without any "love you" whatsoever lol.
This morning I woke up with his email that is again trying to reassure me that we have a wonderful relationship and he is trying to do his best. I was still bit annoyed and such but of course I couldn't help but calling him and we ended up being lovey dovey again. In summary, I really really feel grateful for having him as my BF other than anybody else. Believe me he is far from perfect, but he is perfect enough to cope with my "craziness" and "immaturity".
Oh well... that's about it!
Returning to Colorado, however, makes my heart uneasy. Somehow I feel my love for him has become overwhelming and my insecurity was just heighten like you won't believe. There were some things that annoyed me, although it happened couple of months ago (which at that time we were not in a "committed relationship") that I just found out. It is supposedly insignificant, cos it happened quite some time ago, and to be fair, I was involved with someone else too around that time. But in particular, I am just the most jealous GF you would ever be with, perhaps. Or maybe not. I know several people (of course Indonesian) that are crazier than me in terms of jealousy.. But yea.. basically I am that hardcore if you talk about jealousy.
Anywaay... long story shorts, it was bothering me every now and then... And last night I was being so drama towards my lovely BF. Most of the times he was just incredibly sweet in responding my emotional judgment. But I somehow still pushed him to show me that he loves me more than he does, you know. Yea I'm that insecure and needing assurance every now and then.
We talked and talked almost for 2 hours, which at one point I was happy and assured already, until I was not. I was becoming more and more annoying, pushing him and kinda "testing his boundaries". It ended up pretty late (1 am his timezone) so he just said,"I cannot talk about this anymore. It is pretty late.. Maybe we can talk more tomorrow".
We just then said "night" without any "love you" whatsoever lol.
This morning I woke up with his email that is again trying to reassure me that we have a wonderful relationship and he is trying to do his best. I was still bit annoyed and such but of course I couldn't help but calling him and we ended up being lovey dovey again. In summary, I really really feel grateful for having him as my BF other than anybody else. Believe me he is far from perfect, but he is perfect enough to cope with my "craziness" and "immaturity".
Oh well... that's about it!
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Homesick that turns into "not wanting to leave"
I remember last year I was very very homesick that I cried several times at night LOL. I think mostly because I was still new at this place, not so many friends yet (honestly I still don't have many friends, either, now, but I don't really care at this point), and I missed the hell out of my food (now I can eat whatever, really). I remember one of my friends commented on my "homesick" status on social media with "maybe you should get a BF there!" which now I did, and yes, that works a wonder!
Despite having a BF that I really really love and loves me back just as much, I also feel so peaceful here, you know. I remember how stressful I was back in Indonesia, which honestly due to too many stupidities I encountered there. It's so hard to get things done by people, there are always excuses, etc. Not to mention also that the traffic is just so ridiculous. I remember even though I was financially secured, I would complain almost everyday about my life in Jakarta. And I don't want to be rude, but I was annoyed by my family most of the times. I know they love me and such and they are amazing to me, but man... family is family. It's actually pretty peaceful for me to live far far away from them. I know it is wrong to say that, but that's just how I feel, frankly.
Here I feel healthier, due to I have to walk most of the times. I think the quality of food also better, supposedly. My landlord also almost always cooked healthy stuffs for us. And she loves the hell out of me, I think. Oh I didn't mention it here, but she is just so so sooo generous that she bought me ticket to Austin to celebrate Thanksgiving together with her, my BF, my BF's sister and father too (so my landlord is my BF's mom, in case I haven't said it earlier). She was super sweet. We have this routine every Sunday after church, eating at one of the diner and we always ordered the same things. One time lately she said, "OMG I'll miss this when you're gone". Awww! I'm so saddened by that :(
Anywaaay.. Yes, so despite my poverty here (obviously I never shopped in almost 2 years now), I feel pretty much happy and content and healthy and loved~
That's what makes me considering to stay by continue to PhD program. Oh well, that's another story though.... In the end I can't really see myself going back to Indo at the moment, although I would, if I got my job back. That would still sadden me a little bit, though, since I will have to live so far far away from my love...
Despite having a BF that I really really love and loves me back just as much, I also feel so peaceful here, you know. I remember how stressful I was back in Indonesia, which honestly due to too many stupidities I encountered there. It's so hard to get things done by people, there are always excuses, etc. Not to mention also that the traffic is just so ridiculous. I remember even though I was financially secured, I would complain almost everyday about my life in Jakarta. And I don't want to be rude, but I was annoyed by my family most of the times. I know they love me and such and they are amazing to me, but man... family is family. It's actually pretty peaceful for me to live far far away from them. I know it is wrong to say that, but that's just how I feel, frankly.
Here I feel healthier, due to I have to walk most of the times. I think the quality of food also better, supposedly. My landlord also almost always cooked healthy stuffs for us. And she loves the hell out of me, I think. Oh I didn't mention it here, but she is just so so sooo generous that she bought me ticket to Austin to celebrate Thanksgiving together with her, my BF, my BF's sister and father too (so my landlord is my BF's mom, in case I haven't said it earlier). She was super sweet. We have this routine every Sunday after church, eating at one of the diner and we always ordered the same things. One time lately she said, "OMG I'll miss this when you're gone". Awww! I'm so saddened by that :(
Anywaaay.. Yes, so despite my poverty here (obviously I never shopped in almost 2 years now), I feel pretty much happy and content and healthy and loved~
That's what makes me considering to stay by continue to PhD program. Oh well, that's another story though.... In the end I can't really see myself going back to Indo at the moment, although I would, if I got my job back. That would still sadden me a little bit, though, since I will have to live so far far away from my love...
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
A Hundred to Zero
This post is dedicated to this person. It's not like he is gonna read my blog, though. LOL.
Anyways, it is pretty funny how I used to be soooo into that person, that I did some stupid things in the past. He was never my BF, though. Just a friend that "kinda" escalated into a "lover". Never a serious one, as I mentioned also in the past.
If you asked me now, I would say, man I have zero feelings for that guy. Oh well maybe 5 out of 100. And that's just for the sake of the past, and also I would probably be sad if something bad happened to him cos we used to be friends, too.
I remember there were stupid moments when I really almost begged him to meet me, I bought something that he asked me to (like some merchandise of a band that he loves) and he actually planned not to pay me for that, I think. What a douche. But I did that, because I was really into him. Luckily, though, I suddenly realized that before I gave those things to him. So I didn't end up giving it to him although I have bought it. HAHA! There were a t-shirt and a lighter. I gave the t-shirt to my current BF (although I never really saw him wearing that, eventually) and I still have the lighter with me. It is actually a pretty cool lighter (zippo). So maybe I'll keep it and see if I meet someone that really would like to have it.
Anywaaay... again, it is just funny to me that a hundred can be a zero, in such an abrupt time. I remember I suddenly decided not to talk to him sometime in March when I was starting to really love my current BF. Then, right after that, I realized that I was so dumb to even relate to the "douche". But I just had so many experiences with douches in the past, maybe that's not really a surprise anymore.
Now that I stopped all communication with the douche (not because I hate him or holding a grudge, but because he has been trying to annoy me non-stop), he became a bit "crazily annoying". I had to block him from my cellphone, my whatsapp, skype etc just because he would try all the ways. Crazy. Oh BTW, if you're wondering why he's not worth it, well.. he is not. There were so many times in the past that he didn't treat me well. I would probably not elaborate it here.
Anywaaay... that's just how feelings work, I guess. Hopefully it only works for those who don't treat me well, and I will keep on loving those who really worth it!
Anyways, it is pretty funny how I used to be soooo into that person, that I did some stupid things in the past. He was never my BF, though. Just a friend that "kinda" escalated into a "lover". Never a serious one, as I mentioned also in the past.
If you asked me now, I would say, man I have zero feelings for that guy. Oh well maybe 5 out of 100. And that's just for the sake of the past, and also I would probably be sad if something bad happened to him cos we used to be friends, too.
I remember there were stupid moments when I really almost begged him to meet me, I bought something that he asked me to (like some merchandise of a band that he loves) and he actually planned not to pay me for that, I think. What a douche. But I did that, because I was really into him. Luckily, though, I suddenly realized that before I gave those things to him. So I didn't end up giving it to him although I have bought it. HAHA! There were a t-shirt and a lighter. I gave the t-shirt to my current BF (although I never really saw him wearing that, eventually) and I still have the lighter with me. It is actually a pretty cool lighter (zippo). So maybe I'll keep it and see if I meet someone that really would like to have it.
Anywaaay... again, it is just funny to me that a hundred can be a zero, in such an abrupt time. I remember I suddenly decided not to talk to him sometime in March when I was starting to really love my current BF. Then, right after that, I realized that I was so dumb to even relate to the "douche". But I just had so many experiences with douches in the past, maybe that's not really a surprise anymore.
Now that I stopped all communication with the douche (not because I hate him or holding a grudge, but because he has been trying to annoy me non-stop), he became a bit "crazily annoying". I had to block him from my cellphone, my whatsapp, skype etc just because he would try all the ways. Crazy. Oh BTW, if you're wondering why he's not worth it, well.. he is not. There were so many times in the past that he didn't treat me well. I would probably not elaborate it here.
Anywaaay... that's just how feelings work, I guess. Hopefully it only works for those who don't treat me well, and I will keep on loving those who really worth it!
Sunday, November 6, 2016
The story of "I Love You"
I was reading some random funny stories about people saying "I love you" for the first time. It may sound like a small deal for some people, but really, for some others, it is not. Especially in the "western" world where it's pretty different in a lot of ways, I think.
Anyway, I have been dating some guys that are not Indonesian and I think it never really got to the point of seriousness that they said "I love you" except my current BF. It is pretty interesting. Even my ex that I was with for about 9 months, never said "I love you". Neither did I to him. I mean of course I loved him, but I was too terrified to initiate it. And he's always so weird that I was never really convinced that he was being real to me, you know. Now that I found a guy that genuinely loves me, I become even more sure that my ex never really loved me. Oh well, who cares now?
But it reminds me the first time my BF told me he loved me was during our phone call, probably 2-3 months after we knew each other. We always told "I miss you" to each other, at least that was what I think very acceptable at that point. So one time when he was ending our phone call, he said, "okay baby.. love you..." to which I replied with "bye..". LOL.
I was too surprised probably and wasn't expecting that at all. I thought the first time you said it at least you need some "moments", you know. Like looking at each others' eyes and etc.. Anyway after that he never said that anymore until my visit to Austin (2nd time) not long after the phone call. He was about to go to work and again he was saying goodbye and said "love you baby..".
And that was when I realized, oh you're saying that to me, not just because you slipped or something. Hahaha... Cause honestly during the "phone call" I thought he was mistaken me to his mother because I always heard him saying "love you" everytime he was ending his conversation with his mom.
Well, after the 2nd time he said that (again, in a moment where he was doing it casually rather than meaningful moments), I was then thinking, "man how do I reciprocate this??". Hahaha... cause I was not used to it at all. I was very insecure for so long because nobody really said it genuinely.. I mean my very first BF even said "aku sayang, bukan cinta", and I was like "WTF?!" Hahahaha... The perk of being an Indonesian probably. If it was said by the westerner probably would be "I care about you but I don't love you". But wait, isn't "sayang" supposedly "love"? Oh well, who cares now?
So yea, back to the time I was thinking how to reciprocate that. I think that part was a bit funny too. I think I was thinking about it too hard several times that the words couldn't just come out easily. A lot of times it ended up being a whisper and I'm not sure now if he heard that LOLOL. So basically I don't really remember my real first time saying that. But I remember we were "partying" a little bit during my visit at that time and I got quite drunk that during the night I probably said "I love you" hundred times to him. Haha.. The next day when I returned to Colorado I called him and said "I forgot what I said but I remember I said I love you like million times to you"
Him: "oh yea you did (cheeky smile that I could clearly sense from my end)"
Anyway, I have been dating some guys that are not Indonesian and I think it never really got to the point of seriousness that they said "I love you" except my current BF. It is pretty interesting. Even my ex that I was with for about 9 months, never said "I love you". Neither did I to him. I mean of course I loved him, but I was too terrified to initiate it. And he's always so weird that I was never really convinced that he was being real to me, you know. Now that I found a guy that genuinely loves me, I become even more sure that my ex never really loved me. Oh well, who cares now?
But it reminds me the first time my BF told me he loved me was during our phone call, probably 2-3 months after we knew each other. We always told "I miss you" to each other, at least that was what I think very acceptable at that point. So one time when he was ending our phone call, he said, "okay baby.. love you..." to which I replied with "bye..". LOL.
I was too surprised probably and wasn't expecting that at all. I thought the first time you said it at least you need some "moments", you know. Like looking at each others' eyes and etc.. Anyway after that he never said that anymore until my visit to Austin (2nd time) not long after the phone call. He was about to go to work and again he was saying goodbye and said "love you baby..".
And that was when I realized, oh you're saying that to me, not just because you slipped or something. Hahaha... Cause honestly during the "phone call" I thought he was mistaken me to his mother because I always heard him saying "love you" everytime he was ending his conversation with his mom.
Well, after the 2nd time he said that (again, in a moment where he was doing it casually rather than meaningful moments), I was then thinking, "man how do I reciprocate this??". Hahaha... cause I was not used to it at all. I was very insecure for so long because nobody really said it genuinely.. I mean my very first BF even said "aku sayang, bukan cinta", and I was like "WTF?!" Hahahaha... The perk of being an Indonesian probably. If it was said by the westerner probably would be "I care about you but I don't love you". But wait, isn't "sayang" supposedly "love"? Oh well, who cares now?
So yea, back to the time I was thinking how to reciprocate that. I think that part was a bit funny too. I think I was thinking about it too hard several times that the words couldn't just come out easily. A lot of times it ended up being a whisper and I'm not sure now if he heard that LOLOL. So basically I don't really remember my real first time saying that. But I remember we were "partying" a little bit during my visit at that time and I got quite drunk that during the night I probably said "I love you" hundred times to him. Haha.. The next day when I returned to Colorado I called him and said "I forgot what I said but I remember I said I love you like million times to you"
Him: "oh yea you did (cheeky smile that I could clearly sense from my end)"
Monday, October 31, 2016
If you're a person with faith
then most likely you will always be reminded that in life, you should not worry about a thing, for He already provided everything for you.
However, it is very very hard to keep in mind, while you're in a difficult situation. Well, especially me. I'm always worried about things. I always have to make sure that everything goes well.
Which is kinda contradicted to my blog title, right?
Seriously, Sheila, how can you tell that you believe in Him if you always worry about what the future holds?
However, it is very very hard to keep in mind, while you're in a difficult situation. Well, especially me. I'm always worried about things. I always have to make sure that everything goes well.
Which is kinda contradicted to my blog title, right?
Seriously, Sheila, how can you tell that you believe in Him if you always worry about what the future holds?
Monday, October 24, 2016
The Past
Been spending almost a week with my love during this Fall Break.. Always a wonderful time :)
For the first time I showed him couple of pictures from my past (ex-bfs) and we also always talk about our past experiences. Which really really makes me feel grateful about my present.
My love is very very sweet he drove all the way to Dallas to pick me up to Austin. Oh how I love him so much.
Anyways, it is so odd that just today I randomly stalked one of my past, just because I was bored. This is one of the guys that I was involved with, the very rude guy that supposedly have a vacation with me in Vietnam, the Aussie guy. I just found out today that he was dead in July?!?! Man I was so so shocked. And it was not even a natural dead, you know. It is pretty scary. I don't really want to write the details cos it already makes me feel bad at the moment. Even though I always remember him as an asshole, but now I really feel bad for him and his family.
Meanwhile I was just stalking other past of mine and some of them look so happy. Which is good. I don't feel "not happy", you know. I'm glad they are not with me now and they're happy.
This moment with my bae is also very special cos for the very first time also we declared our relationship. That is really really sweet. Although we of course don't know what the future holds, remembering our relationship is pretty complicated (I will need to go back to Indo, etc). We were talking yesterday about our current relationship with our exes. Basically both of us don't really talk or keep in touch with our ex'es. Then I asked him, do you think we would still be friends if this thing didn't work? He said, well, looking at our experiences, probably not. That really makes me kinda sad, although it can be true. Why would I still be contacting him if this thing didn't work? If any, I would have a really hard time moving on from him, so it might be best not to keep in touch at all.
Although I told him, "if you didn't hurt me, then I would want to be friends".
It is pretty funny too that we are so much in love and in really good terms right now, yet we are talking about the possibility to break up and not being friends. LOL.
Oh man, I don't know what else to say. All I want to think now is how happy I am and how grateful I am right now...
For the first time I showed him couple of pictures from my past (ex-bfs) and we also always talk about our past experiences. Which really really makes me feel grateful about my present.
My love is very very sweet he drove all the way to Dallas to pick me up to Austin. Oh how I love him so much.
Anyways, it is so odd that just today I randomly stalked one of my past, just because I was bored. This is one of the guys that I was involved with, the very rude guy that supposedly have a vacation with me in Vietnam, the Aussie guy. I just found out today that he was dead in July?!?! Man I was so so shocked. And it was not even a natural dead, you know. It is pretty scary. I don't really want to write the details cos it already makes me feel bad at the moment. Even though I always remember him as an asshole, but now I really feel bad for him and his family.
Meanwhile I was just stalking other past of mine and some of them look so happy. Which is good. I don't feel "not happy", you know. I'm glad they are not with me now and they're happy.
This moment with my bae is also very special cos for the very first time also we declared our relationship. That is really really sweet. Although we of course don't know what the future holds, remembering our relationship is pretty complicated (I will need to go back to Indo, etc). We were talking yesterday about our current relationship with our exes. Basically both of us don't really talk or keep in touch with our ex'es. Then I asked him, do you think we would still be friends if this thing didn't work? He said, well, looking at our experiences, probably not. That really makes me kinda sad, although it can be true. Why would I still be contacting him if this thing didn't work? If any, I would have a really hard time moving on from him, so it might be best not to keep in touch at all.
Although I told him, "if you didn't hurt me, then I would want to be friends".
It is pretty funny too that we are so much in love and in really good terms right now, yet we are talking about the possibility to break up and not being friends. LOL.
Oh man, I don't know what else to say. All I want to think now is how happy I am and how grateful I am right now...
Sunday, October 2, 2016
The best feeling in the world
Is when you realized you can love someone that much,
And knowing that it is mutual...
And knowing that it is mutual...
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Voicemail
"Leave me a message. Thanks so much"
*peep..*
"Hey..baby.., what are you doing..? I'm at school now,, working on my project.. Well, call me back when you get this message...
I love you.. "
(hung up)
******
And then he called me back..
"baby, you know what just happened?"
"what?"
"Sierra was here when you left the message... and she said, OMG..."
"what? What did I even say? (LOL, I didn't think I left too meaningful message honestly)"
"your message tells everything baby.."
"tell what?"
"everything..."
(^,^")
OK maybe I was being too sweet all the time, or my message was telling him out loud that I love him, or the way I was saying it, or he is just always being sentimental. LOL..
That kinda made me blushing, tho..
*peep..*
"Hey..baby.., what are you doing..? I'm at school now,, working on my project.. Well, call me back when you get this message...
I love you.. "
(hung up)
******
And then he called me back..
"baby, you know what just happened?"
"what?"
"Sierra was here when you left the message... and she said, OMG..."
"what? What did I even say? (LOL, I didn't think I left too meaningful message honestly)"
"your message tells everything baby.."
"tell what?"
"everything..."
(^,^")
OK maybe I was being too sweet all the time, or my message was telling him out loud that I love him, or the way I was saying it, or he is just always being sentimental. LOL..
That kinda made me blushing, tho..
Communication
As most people know, relationship is hard. But what can make it even harder? A bad communication. In my present relationship, we have a lot of concerns. We have many differences, many limitations, and many more. But what makes me grateful is that (so far) we have a good communication with each other.
I remember my previous relationships (again, if you can call so) I never had a good communication with them. Part of it I think is probably maturity, and just mutual feelings between us. I remember soo many concerns I had, were never being addressed by my exes. Most of them just couldn't handle "hard conversations" especially the ones that always related to feelings. I kinda understand that part. Men could be overwhelmed by those talks about feelings. They would probably say, "cmon now, can we just have fun times without always addressing your concerns about feelings all the time??".
My man right now, he has a lot of limitation of course. But luckily, the most important thing, which I think is how we communicate about our concerns, were always being well addressed. It is not always a good talk, I mean sometimes I'm not very happy with the answers, but at least we discussed about things and try to understand it from many sides. So far I'm very happy about it.
Oh well, I don't know how the future will be, though. I guess I will have to keep reminding myself to chill out a little bit :)
I remember my previous relationships (again, if you can call so) I never had a good communication with them. Part of it I think is probably maturity, and just mutual feelings between us. I remember soo many concerns I had, were never being addressed by my exes. Most of them just couldn't handle "hard conversations" especially the ones that always related to feelings. I kinda understand that part. Men could be overwhelmed by those talks about feelings. They would probably say, "cmon now, can we just have fun times without always addressing your concerns about feelings all the time??".
My man right now, he has a lot of limitation of course. But luckily, the most important thing, which I think is how we communicate about our concerns, were always being well addressed. It is not always a good talk, I mean sometimes I'm not very happy with the answers, but at least we discussed about things and try to understand it from many sides. So far I'm very happy about it.
Oh well, I don't know how the future will be, though. I guess I will have to keep reminding myself to chill out a little bit :)
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
So last night..
I found out about the girl and guy who go into my school (undergrad one in Bandung) made private video (amateur porn, you can call it so).
As I discussed about it with my friends, we made a lot of jokes about it. We talked about how weird the girl's act was, really trying to mimic the real porn actresses and ended up looking weird, instead. We were making jokes about the guy's "thing" and stuffs.
But then I realized, OMG, how it feels to be the girl? After the video went viral. I heard she moved to another school. And to realize, how difficult it must be to enter the previous school to begin with. And how is the girl's parents doing? Well the guy didn't show up at all in the video. Good for him. But, aw man, the girl? She looked so innocent. And I don't mean that everybody else is an angel, of course. Heck I'm no an angel.
But still, our society is very traditional. I just can't imagine...
As I discussed about it with my friends, we made a lot of jokes about it. We talked about how weird the girl's act was, really trying to mimic the real porn actresses and ended up looking weird, instead. We were making jokes about the guy's "thing" and stuffs.
But then I realized, OMG, how it feels to be the girl? After the video went viral. I heard she moved to another school. And to realize, how difficult it must be to enter the previous school to begin with. And how is the girl's parents doing? Well the guy didn't show up at all in the video. Good for him. But, aw man, the girl? She looked so innocent. And I don't mean that everybody else is an angel, of course. Heck I'm no an angel.
But still, our society is very traditional. I just can't imagine...
Sunday, September 11, 2016
I remember
couple of years ago, I got so heartbroken that I wanted to die. Yep, it was that hurtful. I remember every single days I was just trying to sleep and wake up realizing everything was a dream. Of course it wasn't. I remember I was reaaalllyy hoping we could get back together that I would do anything for that to happen. Regretting everything I'd done that I wish I could have fixed that.
My current guy told me, " I don't think what you experienced was love. I think I am the only guy you ever loved". LOL so confident! But he was saying that not in a joking way. He was being serious.
He probably is right, I don't know. Whether it was love or just infatuation, I remember the pain very clearly. Yet, we never got tired of hurting ourself by falling in love over and over again, did we? I think human in general are masochists! ;p
My current guy told me, " I don't think what you experienced was love. I think I am the only guy you ever loved". LOL so confident! But he was saying that not in a joking way. He was being serious.
He probably is right, I don't know. Whether it was love or just infatuation, I remember the pain very clearly. Yet, we never got tired of hurting ourself by falling in love over and over again, did we? I think human in general are masochists! ;p
Monday, September 5, 2016
...
"why do you want to do it for me then? Wouldn't you feel less happy because that is not, you?"
"but I'm always happy when I'm with you. I won't feel less happy..I'm doing it for you.. for you.. it is for you"
"but I'm always happy when I'm with you. I won't feel less happy..I'm doing it for you.. for you.. it is for you"
I am lucky
He said, "we are so lucky.. to have each other"
I say, I am lucky.. I have you. You are the best love I have ever had. Period
I say, I am lucky.. I have you. You are the best love I have ever had. Period
Friday, September 2, 2016
Feeling Loved
can be as simple as, getting a phone call from my lover (went into voicemail) that actually only him wanting to share his opinion about life that just came to his mind.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I found it pretty sweet, really :)
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I found it pretty sweet, really :)
Friday, August 26, 2016
Two things
Now I realized what I really, REALLY want in life.
1. Love
2. Money
That's it. Cannot really survive for a long time without two of those things!
1. Love
2. Money
That's it. Cannot really survive for a long time without two of those things!
Belajar
Sejujurnya, saya ini bukan orang yang bener-bener maniak belajar. Hell, duh, of course. Some people might think, what am I pursuing? Why are you so interested in studying? And some people will be just, really into studying, I guess.
For me personally, I like it when I know better. And I will be so insulted, if people think I know nothing. Somehow. And by knowing more than others, you feel empowered. Of course. It's like you have money, only it is not, but it's a knowledge not all people know about.
I just took several classes that are considered as pretty hard and a lot of work. And I'm more than happy to take it. Like, hello? This is the only chance I'd ever learn from these great people. The funny thing is, one of the class is called 2D Structural Seismic Interpretation which supposedly have been taught by my undergrad school. Not to mention I have worked on that kind of thing for almost 5 years. And what? I just really learned about it, NOW. Ironic. Most likely because now I know better why it is important. Second is because they just teach it in a lot better way. I'm not exaggerating things here.
Anywaay, some of the people I know here would try to avoid some "hard" classes just because they want to relax and get good grades from "easier" class. I just cannot understand that.
Sorry if it kinda sounds cocky, though. Didn't mean to. LOL
For me personally, I like it when I know better. And I will be so insulted, if people think I know nothing. Somehow. And by knowing more than others, you feel empowered. Of course. It's like you have money, only it is not, but it's a knowledge not all people know about.
I just took several classes that are considered as pretty hard and a lot of work. And I'm more than happy to take it. Like, hello? This is the only chance I'd ever learn from these great people. The funny thing is, one of the class is called 2D Structural Seismic Interpretation which supposedly have been taught by my undergrad school. Not to mention I have worked on that kind of thing for almost 5 years. And what? I just really learned about it, NOW. Ironic. Most likely because now I know better why it is important. Second is because they just teach it in a lot better way. I'm not exaggerating things here.
Anywaay, some of the people I know here would try to avoid some "hard" classes just because they want to relax and get good grades from "easier" class. I just cannot understand that.
Sorry if it kinda sounds cocky, though. Didn't mean to. LOL
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Mi Amor
OK several days ago I might have written dramatic posts on this blog about my love. Which was true, our situation is not ideal at all. The only ideal thing is, we do love each other very very much, that's all I can say. I might be annoyed sometimes by a lot of things, about him, but the truth is, he never (ever) did something mean to me. Like, never. Even at my worst behaviour (or maybe not "worst" but I think I was being a little bit over the top), he was still very loving and patient in handling me.
I don't know what the future holds, but, I really wish I would grow old with someone as loving as he is to me...
I don't know what the future holds, but, I really wish I would grow old with someone as loving as he is to me...
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Count Your Blessings
I have been constantly feeling sad sometimes about how "un-ideal" the situation I am in, like career wise, oil and gas industry, unknown future, but then I am also constantly trying to remind myself of how blessed I already am so far. Like, seriously.
For example, above is the tuition fee and living cost being paid by my professor, which is about +/- $18K per semester. Like, how could I afford that myself? And there are some people still willing to pay themselves (even taking student loan) just to get the education.
I should really remind myself everytime I start complaining bout things!
I should really remind myself everytime I start complaining bout things!
Monday, August 15, 2016
I Hate You
"Why..?", he asked me sweetly with that warm expression on his face. The face I would remember forever.
"Cause you make me love you"
"Making you love me in this hard situation?"
"Yea.."
"Cause you make me love you"
"Making you love me in this hard situation?"
"Yea.."
When Reality Smacks You in Your Face
We had this conversation last night. The world is not a place for love. There are too much pain here.
Isn't it a little bit too unfair when two people, very much in love with each other, but cannot find a way to be together in a perfect world?
After all, life is not all about love. It might. But do you think love will stay when reality comes and slapping your face? Telling you, here is the love you want! And that's all you have to survive. Let's see how long could you cope with it.
Life is never totally fair with you. Sorry. It is just not. In the end I try to think, should I be grateful that I've at least experienced this wonderful thing for once? Or should I regret that I have to experience a lot of pain in the end? I hope I would be brave and strong enough to think the first one.
Wouldn't it be easier if we just could never have any feelings to begin with?
Isn't it a little bit too unfair when two people, very much in love with each other, but cannot find a way to be together in a perfect world?
After all, life is not all about love. It might. But do you think love will stay when reality comes and slapping your face? Telling you, here is the love you want! And that's all you have to survive. Let's see how long could you cope with it.
Life is never totally fair with you. Sorry. It is just not. In the end I try to think, should I be grateful that I've at least experienced this wonderful thing for once? Or should I regret that I have to experience a lot of pain in the end? I hope I would be brave and strong enough to think the first one.
Wouldn't it be easier if we just could never have any feelings to begin with?
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Just some updates
bout my life *jaelaah*
So now I have returned to the US again, luckily seeing my bf first, not directly to Golden. So it is pretty exciting and makes me happy rather than going straight to Golden. To be honest, this year is really really different compared to last year when I just got to the US. Last year I was soooo full of excitement and motivation, but now? I am just sooo unmotivated to go back. Going back to Indonesia has reminded me of how pleasant it is to live in Indonesia, how easy to get the food I love the most, how cheap it is to get massage, manicure pedicure, waxing treatment, somebody to clean up your house/apartment, and so on. But I guess that is just human nature. I saw a friend of mine on Facebook, he grew up in the US, worked several years in Indonesia and now has just recently returned to the US, seemingly so happy to be in the US and eating burgers. Meanwhile me seeing that, thinking, "waa..?" LOL.
Everybody just love their own home countries, of course. But anyywaayy, I still have my obligation to finish my school, cause if not, what's the point of all the struggles?
Other than that, I was so glad meeting my friends back in Indonesia. Some of them were really sweet ones, insisting on meeting up or even having short trip together, oh how I missed them and still do.
One thing I don't miss and makes me slightly glad not being there in Indonesia (especially Jakarta) is the crazy traffic, of course. It just made me going nuts everytime! Oh and the crimes. You can't just leave your belongings unattended, which was crazy for me after staying in the US for sometime now. I forgot my wallet a lot of time here in the US, never really lost it! People always happened to keep it for me. In Jakarta? Don't even try to think about it. I even lost my apartment access card which happened to be outside my door. It's like, seriously? Why would someone steal it? Yet they did!
Now thinking about going back to school is just irritating for me. I don't really have anyone there that I miss, at all, nope. Even looking at their Facebook updates just annoys me a lot! LOL. How bad is that?
Oh but well, now I get to see my bf for a lil bit less than 2 weeks, which I'm grateful about. I just love that guy more and more everyday :)
So now I have returned to the US again, luckily seeing my bf first, not directly to Golden. So it is pretty exciting and makes me happy rather than going straight to Golden. To be honest, this year is really really different compared to last year when I just got to the US. Last year I was soooo full of excitement and motivation, but now? I am just sooo unmotivated to go back. Going back to Indonesia has reminded me of how pleasant it is to live in Indonesia, how easy to get the food I love the most, how cheap it is to get massage, manicure pedicure, waxing treatment, somebody to clean up your house/apartment, and so on. But I guess that is just human nature. I saw a friend of mine on Facebook, he grew up in the US, worked several years in Indonesia and now has just recently returned to the US, seemingly so happy to be in the US and eating burgers. Meanwhile me seeing that, thinking, "waa..?" LOL.
Everybody just love their own home countries, of course. But anyywaayy, I still have my obligation to finish my school, cause if not, what's the point of all the struggles?
Other than that, I was so glad meeting my friends back in Indonesia. Some of them were really sweet ones, insisting on meeting up or even having short trip together, oh how I missed them and still do.
One thing I don't miss and makes me slightly glad not being there in Indonesia (especially Jakarta) is the crazy traffic, of course. It just made me going nuts everytime! Oh and the crimes. You can't just leave your belongings unattended, which was crazy for me after staying in the US for sometime now. I forgot my wallet a lot of time here in the US, never really lost it! People always happened to keep it for me. In Jakarta? Don't even try to think about it. I even lost my apartment access card which happened to be outside my door. It's like, seriously? Why would someone steal it? Yet they did!
Now thinking about going back to school is just irritating for me. I don't really have anyone there that I miss, at all, nope. Even looking at their Facebook updates just annoys me a lot! LOL. How bad is that?
Oh but well, now I get to see my bf for a lil bit less than 2 weeks, which I'm grateful about. I just love that guy more and more everyday :)
Monday, July 11, 2016
It is so much easier to complain than being grateful
Sometimes we realized that.
Hence people sometimes love hearing sad stories about other people (though not admitting it), because it helps us being more grateful. Don't you think? When others were faced with difficulties in their lives, we often curious, want to know why, sometimes also feel bad, it's just human nature, but then we think "wow I'm so damn lucky compared to them".
On the other hand, when others are experiencing bunch of lucks in their lives, always seem so happy, sometimes even look too lucky that they don't struggle at all in their life, we feel jealous, wishing we were in their shoes, thinking, "why can't I be as lucky as them?" "why do I have to work this hard while they don't?"
We all know we have to be grateful, always. It's just hard, and it can't be denied. But one thing that I have to remember is that, there's always rainbow after the rain, we can always get what we want (or close to) as long as we work hard enough, and you don't know the things every other people are struggling with.
Hence people sometimes love hearing sad stories about other people (though not admitting it), because it helps us being more grateful. Don't you think? When others were faced with difficulties in their lives, we often curious, want to know why, sometimes also feel bad, it's just human nature, but then we think "wow I'm so damn lucky compared to them".
On the other hand, when others are experiencing bunch of lucks in their lives, always seem so happy, sometimes even look too lucky that they don't struggle at all in their life, we feel jealous, wishing we were in their shoes, thinking, "why can't I be as lucky as them?" "why do I have to work this hard while they don't?"
We all know we have to be grateful, always. It's just hard, and it can't be denied. But one thing that I have to remember is that, there's always rainbow after the rain, we can always get what we want (or close to) as long as we work hard enough, and you don't know the things every other people are struggling with.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
5 weeks!
So I survived living with my bf for 5 weeks! It's a huge accomplishment I think. LOL. I've never seen anyone that often in my life (the one I'm dating, of course) and put up with a lot of things. Although frankly speaking, he is easy to be with. Very considerate, patient, loving, etc. Maybe the downside is sometimes he's messy, will put everything all over the places, and couple of other things, not a big thing. Moreover he would listen to my concerns and tried to compromise most of the times. One thing also (and I think I have mentioned a lot of times before) is that he is a "healthy-lifestyle" freak!
Not only that he is a vegetarian (it is already killing me), but he is also gluten intolerant (which makes me always think a lot before cooking something), peanut intolerant, onion hater (who would hate onion, seriously? And it includes green onions and shallots too! OMG! he only likes garlic). He would judge every unhealthy things I've been doing (from my toiletries which are not organic, duh, of course! until the way I use a lot of oils on my cooking, etc, etc). Last time he banned me from eating Cheetos (he really took it away from me and said he is giving it to the homeless people). He doesn't like me using microwave, either. Everytime we did grocery shopping, it always ended up being so expensive because we had to buy the organic things. Zz... and it's not even like we have a lot of money to begin with.
Man this guy is really hard to please! LOL. But sometimes I think he's right. It would be good for me to live a little bit more healthy.
Actually one thing I realize in dating life, I always learn something new from the guys I've been with. For this one, I learn a lot of healthy life style, good classic movies (oh did I mention he makes independent movies? Yea he is a movie freak also, but hate Hollywood ones, man -.-" ) and good rock bands. He kinda taught me a bit of cooking and baking too, or maybe motivates me, cause not all of the stuffs he cooked I like, obviously, cause it's too freaking healthy to eat. One time he bought cactus and I was like, "can you even eat cactus??"
him: "yea it's healthy!"
and he cooked that gooey cactus (ew!) with eggs which I didn't want to eat that at all! And now has been almost a week, that cactus dish still exists in the fridge, hmm.. see? I was right! That doesn't taste any good, ugh. What a stubborn guy I'm living with.
So now it is 3 days more until I'm leaving for Indonesia, I'm excited and kinda sad at the same time.. Well, at least I'm going to have a chance to eat very unhealthy food very soon!!! :D
Not only that he is a vegetarian (it is already killing me), but he is also gluten intolerant (which makes me always think a lot before cooking something), peanut intolerant, onion hater (who would hate onion, seriously? And it includes green onions and shallots too! OMG! he only likes garlic). He would judge every unhealthy things I've been doing (from my toiletries which are not organic, duh, of course! until the way I use a lot of oils on my cooking, etc, etc). Last time he banned me from eating Cheetos (he really took it away from me and said he is giving it to the homeless people). He doesn't like me using microwave, either. Everytime we did grocery shopping, it always ended up being so expensive because we had to buy the organic things. Zz... and it's not even like we have a lot of money to begin with.
Man this guy is really hard to please! LOL. But sometimes I think he's right. It would be good for me to live a little bit more healthy.
Actually one thing I realize in dating life, I always learn something new from the guys I've been with. For this one, I learn a lot of healthy life style, good classic movies (oh did I mention he makes independent movies? Yea he is a movie freak also, but hate Hollywood ones, man -.-" ) and good rock bands. He kinda taught me a bit of cooking and baking too, or maybe motivates me, cause not all of the stuffs he cooked I like, obviously, cause it's too freaking healthy to eat. One time he bought cactus and I was like, "can you even eat cactus??"
him: "yea it's healthy!"
and he cooked that gooey cactus (ew!) with eggs which I didn't want to eat that at all! And now has been almost a week, that cactus dish still exists in the fridge, hmm.. see? I was right! That doesn't taste any good, ugh. What a stubborn guy I'm living with.
So now it is 3 days more until I'm leaving for Indonesia, I'm excited and kinda sad at the same time.. Well, at least I'm going to have a chance to eat very unhealthy food very soon!!! :D
Monday, June 6, 2016
Rinduuuuu Masakan Indo :'(
OK so as much as I love my bf and how I feel when I'm around him (best loving person I've ever been with), I frickin struggled with my diet here! E is a vegetarian since about 8 years ago and I told him I hate him being vegetarian. He said it is a philosophical reason (not wanting to kill animal, blabla.. which I think is bit nonsense cos hell it is a food chain!). So here I am for almost 2 weeks already, eating veggies crap everyday -__- well he is still sweet enough that he bought me steak one time, and he's actually totally OK with me eating meat. But it still bothers me a lot since I loveeeee food, good food, and I feel like I can't enjoy it with him. All he cares about is HEALTHY food instead of good food.
I dated someone who couldn't eat pork one time and it already tortured me, hell now is a lot of worse than that.
Anyway, I've been missing Indo food like crazy now so maybe I'll just think about what I want to eat when I come back to Indo. All of those bragging posts about food on my social media, *smirk*, I'll get it eventually, bitches!
- Bakmi gang mangga
- Bakmi GM (bahkan bakmi GM pun kangen, lol)
- Pempek
- Kambing abah
- Nasi kuning
- Bubur ayam
- Chinese food anywhere in Malang
- Nasi babi guling di Bali
- Bebek goreng
- Ayam penyet
- Bakwan/baso goreng di Malang
- Seafood
- Rawon
- Soto
- Nasi pecel
- Pastel
- Tahu goreng yang enak
- dannnnn seterusnyaaaa
I dated someone who couldn't eat pork one time and it already tortured me, hell now is a lot of worse than that.
Anyway, I've been missing Indo food like crazy now so maybe I'll just think about what I want to eat when I come back to Indo. All of those bragging posts about food on my social media, *smirk*, I'll get it eventually, bitches!
- Bakmi gang mangga
- Bakmi GM (bahkan bakmi GM pun kangen, lol)
- Pempek
- Kambing abah
- Nasi kuning
- Bubur ayam
- Chinese food anywhere in Malang
- Nasi babi guling di Bali
- Bebek goreng
- Ayam penyet
- Bakwan/baso goreng di Malang
- Seafood
- Rawon
- Soto
- Nasi pecel
- Pastel
- Tahu goreng yang enak
- dannnnn seterusnyaaaa
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Closure
OK so a month relationship has over with J. I thought there would be no ceremonial goodbye or whatsoever, tried not to have a big expectation. But turned out he asked for last night out with him. We went to the cinema just like our second date. And then I realized, this boy is really really not romantic! LOL. It is not a huge deal, but yea I think he is really a typical scientist/engineer guys. Well although I would consider myself quite romantic and sweet as a scientist myself! Anyway, the end of that night we said goodbye to each other. Obviously there would be no "we could try to work this out and see what happens" like other long distance relationships in the past. And he is so young. I consider it risky to date a guy in their early 20s. Still so much to do, so much curiosity and stuffs. It'd be better if they experience all first and then later decide to settle down.
So yea that was that. Afterall I was glad there was a closure. Which is very very rare to happen to me. Usually the end of any relationships would be so bitter, sour, whatever you express it as. But this was different, cause we anticipated it from the start. No promises. And, I have someone else. We are now together again and it reminds me of how well I have been treated by him. He is not perfect, but I found myself always happy close to him :)
So yea that was that. Afterall I was glad there was a closure. Which is very very rare to happen to me. Usually the end of any relationships would be so bitter, sour, whatever you express it as. But this was different, cause we anticipated it from the start. No promises. And, I have someone else. We are now together again and it reminds me of how well I have been treated by him. He is not perfect, but I found myself always happy close to him :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Multi-tasker
So technically at the moment I have two boyfriends. Although one of it was intended to last only until end of this month. Since I'm gonna leave for Austin, he is also gonna leave for Tulsa, to start his new job. I'm happy for him that he got a job right away after grad school, which is very rare in a situation like at the moment. After all he is a smart kid, one of the reasons I like him :)
The longer I spend time with him also I realized that he is so so cute and the best quality is that he is probably the second cleanest guy I've ever been with. A nice smell guy is the best, at least for me. So who is the first cleanest guy? LOL probably my weirdo ex (the old guy). But J (let's call the Colorado bf as J) is very close to that standard. Other than that quality, I like that he is a planner. He never suddenly bailed from any of our plans, and always told me in advance what is going to happen. Like for example, one thing that I less like about him that he is a gamer. This is pretty new for me, or maybe I haven't dated enough guys to get a sample like that? LOL. But yea, he will always tell me if he is going to spend time playing video games with his friends, letting me know that I will not like it, hence I may not want to come and watch him play and ignoring me. That is somehow pretty sweet. I like how he told me in advance for most things. He even actually told me that our "thing" will not work since he is moving soon. So I am trying to manage my expectation since beginning. And I should, but the reality is, it is hard! Haha.. Especially after we hung out several times, he invited me to hang out with his friends, etc.
Oh one thing that is pretty cute about him is that he (again) told me in advance that he doesn't like to do PDA in front of his friends. LOLOL. So I was like, OK. Whatever. But he is still sweet most times. Not ignoring me or anything, really. Even for most occasions like watching Game of Thrones or just as simple as sitting inside the car, he would let his friends know we are inseparable. LOL. Unbelievably cute. Maybe I have put a lower standard since almost none of my ex's did PDA anyway. The only PDA master is E, the other boyfriend. Maybe that is the only different thing really stood out between E and J.
Anyway, I found that I can't stop talking about J lately, which is pretty scary cos then it means I'm pretty much hooked by him now.
I thought multi-tasking in dating life would be just fun and easy to handle. It is not really. I am 8 days into leaving for Austin to see E yet I'm pretty sad thinking that it will be over with J. I'm gonna miss the cute face and really nice smell. Apparently two of my weaknesses in a guy. But even if it work well with J, I don't think I'll have the guts to end thing with E. Afterall he is the sweetest guy I've ever been with. Very rare finding! :P
The longer I spend time with him also I realized that he is so so cute and the best quality is that he is probably the second cleanest guy I've ever been with. A nice smell guy is the best, at least for me. So who is the first cleanest guy? LOL probably my weirdo ex (the old guy). But J (let's call the Colorado bf as J) is very close to that standard. Other than that quality, I like that he is a planner. He never suddenly bailed from any of our plans, and always told me in advance what is going to happen. Like for example, one thing that I less like about him that he is a gamer. This is pretty new for me, or maybe I haven't dated enough guys to get a sample like that? LOL. But yea, he will always tell me if he is going to spend time playing video games with his friends, letting me know that I will not like it, hence I may not want to come and watch him play and ignoring me. That is somehow pretty sweet. I like how he told me in advance for most things. He even actually told me that our "thing" will not work since he is moving soon. So I am trying to manage my expectation since beginning. And I should, but the reality is, it is hard! Haha.. Especially after we hung out several times, he invited me to hang out with his friends, etc.
Oh one thing that is pretty cute about him is that he (again) told me in advance that he doesn't like to do PDA in front of his friends. LOLOL. So I was like, OK. Whatever. But he is still sweet most times. Not ignoring me or anything, really. Even for most occasions like watching Game of Thrones or just as simple as sitting inside the car, he would let his friends know we are inseparable. LOL. Unbelievably cute. Maybe I have put a lower standard since almost none of my ex's did PDA anyway. The only PDA master is E, the other boyfriend. Maybe that is the only different thing really stood out between E and J.
Anyway, I found that I can't stop talking about J lately, which is pretty scary cos then it means I'm pretty much hooked by him now.
I thought multi-tasking in dating life would be just fun and easy to handle. It is not really. I am 8 days into leaving for Austin to see E yet I'm pretty sad thinking that it will be over with J. I'm gonna miss the cute face and really nice smell. Apparently two of my weaknesses in a guy. But even if it work well with J, I don't think I'll have the guts to end thing with E. Afterall he is the sweetest guy I've ever been with. Very rare finding! :P
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Confession
OK. Since I pretty much started here, I just might as well update it too. So I ended up dating that guy that had asked me out.
Yea... Not proud of it! But anyway, I don't know. I think he was just sooooo interesting and it would be such a shame for me to miss the chance, I guess.
So eventually I said yes, and he responded really really well. Although yup, now the deal is (I think) for us to hangout until the end of this month at least.
I don't know (again), but I really like him too, I think. He is just totally different from the other guys I've ever been with. Well to be fair, all of them are different to each other. But this one, he is 4 years younger (although he is graduating from his master program this May), a really nerd (which somehow I think it is super cute?!). If you watched big bang theory, he is kinda like those guys, but way more cute (more to sexy even). So yea, it is just perfect for me!
The awkward thing, though, he is super planned, like no one (again) I've ever been with. Which is a good thing, because most guys I knew would not give a damn bout small things in terms of planning. But boy, he is good. Sometimes it could be more to the boring side (?) >> cause basically my bf is really "rock&roll" type of guy. So they're just totally different.
Anywaay.... yup. Right now I am just clueless, I guess. I like them both.
If there's anything I'd be grateful about, is to come to the US being single! LOL
Yea... Not proud of it! But anyway, I don't know. I think he was just sooooo interesting and it would be such a shame for me to miss the chance, I guess.
So eventually I said yes, and he responded really really well. Although yup, now the deal is (I think) for us to hangout until the end of this month at least.
I don't know (again), but I really like him too, I think. He is just totally different from the other guys I've ever been with. Well to be fair, all of them are different to each other. But this one, he is 4 years younger (although he is graduating from his master program this May), a really nerd (which somehow I think it is super cute?!). If you watched big bang theory, he is kinda like those guys, but way more cute (more to sexy even). So yea, it is just perfect for me!
The awkward thing, though, he is super planned, like no one (again) I've ever been with. Which is a good thing, because most guys I knew would not give a damn bout small things in terms of planning. But boy, he is good. Sometimes it could be more to the boring side (?) >> cause basically my bf is really "rock&roll" type of guy. So they're just totally different.
Anywaay.... yup. Right now I am just clueless, I guess. I like them both.
If there's anything I'd be grateful about, is to come to the US being single! LOL
Friday, April 22, 2016
Being Asked Out
So last week someone in my research group asked me out. It was so sweet though, the way he did it.
Oh BTW I told my pacar already, so yea, no worries, no cheating attempt here. LOL.
So yea I have known that guy since first time I joined the group already, but we never really talked or whatever. I think he is somehow cute but it's not like I have a crush on him or whatsoever.
Beside, I feel that I'm a lil bit "jaim" at school. So if I like someone, I'll just be really active on the conversation. But if he didn't do anything, then I'd do nothing either. So yea basically my pacar is the first official guy that approached me. No one from my school yet, until this other guy. But I was quite flattered, since I think he's an OK candidate actually. Hahaha.. But well..
He added me on FB one day and then about a week ago I was surprised there was a message from him.
Oh BTW I told my pacar already, so yea, no worries, no cheating attempt here. LOL.
So yea I have known that guy since first time I joined the group already, but we never really talked or whatever. I think he is somehow cute but it's not like I have a crush on him or whatsoever.
Beside, I feel that I'm a lil bit "jaim" at school. So if I like someone, I'll just be really active on the conversation. But if he didn't do anything, then I'd do nothing either. So yea basically my pacar is the first official guy that approached me. No one from my school yet, until this other guy. But I was quite flattered, since I think he's an OK candidate actually. Hahaha.. But well..
He added me on FB one day and then about a week ago I was surprised there was a message from him.
Isn't it pretty cute? LOL. Anyway I said yes at first, and then talked to my friends about it. Some of them encouraged me to just go on that date with him but some said well that is basically cheating. Haha.. So yea I then messaged him again saying that I actually have been seeing someone. His answer was like this.
And when I replied back, I was trying to really make him feel better. So I told him that I was thinking to still go out with him since I think he is interesting. But I don't feel that's a good idea. So he then said that he actually wouldn't mind if I was seeing someone else. That only means this wouldn't get serious. LOL. Oh well, nah boy. I will get in trouble for that. Ain't no time for me for any messing around again. I need something that I can really hold on, at least.
So yea. But when I was talking to pacar, he actually didn't mind either if that was what I want. Hahaha.. My pacar is crazy! Well he always is and I knew it :)
And then when I was on the phone with mum yesterday, I just randomly made that conversation,
"ma, ada yang ngajak ela kencan loh"
"jangan! orang2 disana itu free sex. nanti kamu bisa hamil, repot. ato tau2 mereka punya aids, kan ngga tau"
When I told pacar bout this conversation, he laughed and said, " oh I love your mom.."
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Tuition Fee
It is not something new to know that the education in the U.S is considered really good compare to most other countries, but to know also the cost of the tuition, sometimes I can hardly understand. It is very very very expensive! Even for a public school. Somehow I feel so blessed that I went to undergraduate school in Indonesia, and in a public school like ITB cos I think it was very cheap. Well I don't know for now though.
I was talking with one of my classmates one day about the printer in school. Lately there had been an announcement email to tell us to be more considerate in using the printer cos it is not cheap (like the inks, papers, etc). So when we talked about that, she (my classmate) told me that our tuition fee is expensive, so why they even bother tells us something so small compare to the tuition fee. Well basically I got scholarship, so I can't complain. But then it triggered me to ask her, if she pays for her school by herself. Cos basically for me, a master program especially in engineering and science should be free. Cos not everybody can do that, or motivated enough to do that.
Long story short, she told me that she didn't get scholarship (she applied to one of the research groups at Mines but did not get accepted), but she was lucky enough that her parents are willing to pay for everything. Even more shocking, she did undergrad twice! So she graduated from Math, didn't like the job for Math graduate and then did another undergrad in Geophysics. Annddd now she is taking master in Geophysics. Can you imagine how much money her parents had spent for her? Wow!
Anyywaay so she was also telling me that it is different case for her boyfriend. He basically took a student loan for paying his undergrad and grad study. He ended up owing the bank about $90K and now that he has graduated, he has to pay around $1000/month for 15 years!!! Crazy, eh? It is almost like paying for mortgage. Tsk tsk. I think that's unbelievable, especially if someone is smart enough, why would they need to pay that amount of money for education?
Anyway again, he is lucky enough that he got hired by an oil company. So at least he would get enough income to pay for that. Well, considering he won't get laid off during this oil price crisis.
But this "student loan" thingy is very common in here. Many people have to do that to be able to get better education and end up having to pay for the loan for the rest of their lives. I remember one time my other classmate was telling me that he once worked as a janitor in some building just to pay for his school. He was even shocked that I was shocked. He asked me, "Sheila, have you not ever had to work to pay for your undergrad school?" Err... no? I kinda feel bad when I realized that I was luckier than most people, I guess.
So I started to think, well, I know also that my tuition is not cheap. Every semester I got my tuition paid by my research group and it is around $18K/semester. It is also that expensive because I am considered as "out-of-state" student. If I were "in-state" student, I would be paying around half of it, I think. And I could get that status if I have Colorado residency. So, that tuition times 4, cos I will be here for 4 semesters, it is around $72K. Although I think on my 4th semester I would be eligible for reduced tuition because by that time I would only need to take research credits, no classes. Well consider it around $60K then. Could be more, actually. And then I get stipend for around $1200/month for 2 years (minus summer time) so it is about 18 months time $1200, it is around $22K. Basically the research group ends up spending money for me almost $100K! Can you imagine if I had to take student loan for that? Wow.
Anyway again, I was thinking about it also because one of my colleague at work was telling me that he wanted to go back to school also but he was worried that he would get pushed to resign and not getting any compensation (retirement plan kind of thing). Cos basically the rumor now is that when I finished school ( I am taking Leave Without Pay now), and go back to Indo, the company I am working at won't welcome me, nor they will fire me and give me compensation. Basically they will just making me high and dry for as long as it can be and I file for resign by myself.
Well I don't know about that colleague of mine, but for me, a $100K of education plus experience and a degree, worth getting fired (without compensation) from the company I'm working at now.
I was talking with one of my classmates one day about the printer in school. Lately there had been an announcement email to tell us to be more considerate in using the printer cos it is not cheap (like the inks, papers, etc). So when we talked about that, she (my classmate) told me that our tuition fee is expensive, so why they even bother tells us something so small compare to the tuition fee. Well basically I got scholarship, so I can't complain. But then it triggered me to ask her, if she pays for her school by herself. Cos basically for me, a master program especially in engineering and science should be free. Cos not everybody can do that, or motivated enough to do that.
Long story short, she told me that she didn't get scholarship (she applied to one of the research groups at Mines but did not get accepted), but she was lucky enough that her parents are willing to pay for everything. Even more shocking, she did undergrad twice! So she graduated from Math, didn't like the job for Math graduate and then did another undergrad in Geophysics. Annddd now she is taking master in Geophysics. Can you imagine how much money her parents had spent for her? Wow!
Anyywaay so she was also telling me that it is different case for her boyfriend. He basically took a student loan for paying his undergrad and grad study. He ended up owing the bank about $90K and now that he has graduated, he has to pay around $1000/month for 15 years!!! Crazy, eh? It is almost like paying for mortgage. Tsk tsk. I think that's unbelievable, especially if someone is smart enough, why would they need to pay that amount of money for education?
Anyway again, he is lucky enough that he got hired by an oil company. So at least he would get enough income to pay for that. Well, considering he won't get laid off during this oil price crisis.
But this "student loan" thingy is very common in here. Many people have to do that to be able to get better education and end up having to pay for the loan for the rest of their lives. I remember one time my other classmate was telling me that he once worked as a janitor in some building just to pay for his school. He was even shocked that I was shocked. He asked me, "Sheila, have you not ever had to work to pay for your undergrad school?" Err... no? I kinda feel bad when I realized that I was luckier than most people, I guess.
So I started to think, well, I know also that my tuition is not cheap. Every semester I got my tuition paid by my research group and it is around $18K/semester. It is also that expensive because I am considered as "out-of-state" student. If I were "in-state" student, I would be paying around half of it, I think. And I could get that status if I have Colorado residency. So, that tuition times 4, cos I will be here for 4 semesters, it is around $72K. Although I think on my 4th semester I would be eligible for reduced tuition because by that time I would only need to take research credits, no classes. Well consider it around $60K then. Could be more, actually. And then I get stipend for around $1200/month for 2 years (minus summer time) so it is about 18 months time $1200, it is around $22K. Basically the research group ends up spending money for me almost $100K! Can you imagine if I had to take student loan for that? Wow.
Anyway again, I was thinking about it also because one of my colleague at work was telling me that he wanted to go back to school also but he was worried that he would get pushed to resign and not getting any compensation (retirement plan kind of thing). Cos basically the rumor now is that when I finished school ( I am taking Leave Without Pay now), and go back to Indo, the company I am working at won't welcome me, nor they will fire me and give me compensation. Basically they will just making me high and dry for as long as it can be and I file for resign by myself.
Well I don't know about that colleague of mine, but for me, a $100K of education plus experience and a degree, worth getting fired (without compensation) from the company I'm working at now.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Lesson
Living in the U.S has taught me a lot of things, beside of course to be a better geophysicist. LOL.
I learned how to cook, how to clean (the house, my bedroom, my clothes, dishes, etc etc), how to really watch my finance, and basically take care of most things by myself. And it hasn't even been a year now. To think about it now, eventhough I really miss getting a secured finance, I do really really really (did I say really already?) feel grateful for getting this opportunity.
Today I have just successfully made "sambel". LOL. It is because an Indo lady was selling it for $5 (I honestly don't know how much would it be), but I think it is too expensive! Well of course if she would have sold it cheaper, then how come she would make a profit? Hahaha..
Oh well, anyway, this morning I run into Asian Mart to buy Thai chili (the closest one to Indo's cabe) and shallots. I used blender to mix all of it, added a lil bit of tomatoes (stealing my landlord's), a little bit of anchovy and added salt, sugar, MSG (don't judge me!) and fry all of it. Yummy!!! It was very spicy though!! LOL.
But I'm so so so frickin proud of myself. If I was in Indo, there's no frickin way I would make it my own. But maybe I would, next time I live in Indo. Maybe. Will see if everything I have learned here would still be done by me in Indo or not. LOL.
Anyways again, I was also thinking, as what I have written on this blog also, about the story of me applying for school in the U.S, I almost bailed. I almost bailed until my friend told me to APPLY IT NOW OR NEVER! And I did.
I was thinking, man, it is still quite unbelievable. I know it has been almost a year now, but it is still something I can't really believe. Had I not applied, I would not have come here, would not have stayed in this house, would not have known my landlord, would not have known her son, which is my current BF :)
Oh well maybe you would think, "well isn't life like that? You choose one path and you might have chosen different path, it leads you into something else, different. Maybe if you hadn't come the U.S, you would still have met someone else in Jakarta, for example."
True. But I'm really really happy at the moment. And I don't think I have been this happy for the last couple of years. And for that, I thank the path I have chosen :)
I have no clue whatever will happen in the future, like all of us do, but I'm just.. truthfully, grateful for the place I am standing right now.
I learned how to cook, how to clean (the house, my bedroom, my clothes, dishes, etc etc), how to really watch my finance, and basically take care of most things by myself. And it hasn't even been a year now. To think about it now, eventhough I really miss getting a secured finance, I do really really really (did I say really already?) feel grateful for getting this opportunity.
Today I have just successfully made "sambel". LOL. It is because an Indo lady was selling it for $5 (I honestly don't know how much would it be), but I think it is too expensive! Well of course if she would have sold it cheaper, then how come she would make a profit? Hahaha..
Oh well, anyway, this morning I run into Asian Mart to buy Thai chili (the closest one to Indo's cabe) and shallots. I used blender to mix all of it, added a lil bit of tomatoes (stealing my landlord's), a little bit of anchovy and added salt, sugar, MSG (don't judge me!) and fry all of it. Yummy!!! It was very spicy though!! LOL.
But I'm so so so frickin proud of myself. If I was in Indo, there's no frickin way I would make it my own. But maybe I would, next time I live in Indo. Maybe. Will see if everything I have learned here would still be done by me in Indo or not. LOL.
Anyways again, I was also thinking, as what I have written on this blog also, about the story of me applying for school in the U.S, I almost bailed. I almost bailed until my friend told me to APPLY IT NOW OR NEVER! And I did.
I was thinking, man, it is still quite unbelievable. I know it has been almost a year now, but it is still something I can't really believe. Had I not applied, I would not have come here, would not have stayed in this house, would not have known my landlord, would not have known her son, which is my current BF :)
Oh well maybe you would think, "well isn't life like that? You choose one path and you might have chosen different path, it leads you into something else, different. Maybe if you hadn't come the U.S, you would still have met someone else in Jakarta, for example."
True. But I'm really really happy at the moment. And I don't think I have been this happy for the last couple of years. And for that, I thank the path I have chosen :)
I have no clue whatever will happen in the future, like all of us do, but I'm just.. truthfully, grateful for the place I am standing right now.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
The new guy I love :)
Yes, love. Now I'm using that word. Pretty new for me to use it, and based on my past experience, that brought a lot of insecurities. I used to be so afraid to express it, no matter how deep my feeling was for someone.
But now he makes me feel different. Feel genuinely loved.
And just so full of affection that when we were together, I'd feel bad for other people. Hahaha...
You know when you saw love birds doing cheesy things on public, and you be like "ew.. get a room, people!"
Well now I think people would think about us that way x)))
I know for sure that "too much" is not good, but I really don't care that much for now. What will happen will happen.
And I'm happy..
And I'm in love.
One thing that is also very very new to me is, I know his family so damn well. I literally live with his mom. LOL. And exchange emails with his dad every now and then. And at this very moment playing cards with his mom and sister. How amazing can that be? And they don't even know I'm with him. It's not because they will not like it, actually, they would love it. I was just afraid it wouldn't work and somehow make things awkward.
But it has been about 3 months now. I had a lot of doubts before. I still have some now. But I am one step closer to really look pass his flaws, and see lots of things I really love..
But now he makes me feel different. Feel genuinely loved.
And just so full of affection that when we were together, I'd feel bad for other people. Hahaha...
You know when you saw love birds doing cheesy things on public, and you be like "ew.. get a room, people!"
Well now I think people would think about us that way x)))
I know for sure that "too much" is not good, but I really don't care that much for now. What will happen will happen.
And I'm happy..
And I'm in love.
 |
| That sweetest night |
One thing that is also very very new to me is, I know his family so damn well. I literally live with his mom. LOL. And exchange emails with his dad every now and then. And at this very moment playing cards with his mom and sister. How amazing can that be? And they don't even know I'm with him. It's not because they will not like it, actually, they would love it. I was just afraid it wouldn't work and somehow make things awkward.
But it has been about 3 months now. I had a lot of doubts before. I still have some now. But I am one step closer to really look pass his flaws, and see lots of things I really love..
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Adventures
I was just looking at a post my sister-in-law posted on FB now. She and my brother with their baby on the way (she is pregnant now :) )
then I started to think, how different our lives are.
I'm not saying one is better than another, and to be noted, nothing I'm jealous of, neither him to me. Plus he is a guy, if he was a she, then I'd probably have some jealousy every now and then. LOL.
I'm just observing how our life was always taking quite a different path since before. He was always the "secured" type of person. Going to university close to our hometown. Always be in a serious relationship, I don't think he liked to play around. Or maybe I don't know. Haha.. Well now he is happily married with a woman from a really nice family. Religious, well lived, loving family, etc. A perfect picture to be family of someone you want to introduce to your own family, I'd say.
While me, I was always wandering around. Always try to escape. I chose Bandung to go after graduated from high school. I want to experience something new. I want to travel the world (well I think everybody kinda want this, too. I was just lucky enough to "sometimes" got the chances). I want to know more and more people. I experienced a lot of broken hearts, but I guess that's OK. Not really OK, but hey, I'm survived! :)
And now I'm here, 15.000 KMs from home, 14 hours difference in timezone. Haven't really found someone "adequate" to introduce to my family, I guess. LOL. Parents keep on asking bout "this guy" but I don't think I'll have the guts to.
I think I live the life following the motto "now or never", "you only live once", "you'll regret more of something you didn't do than something you did". And I'm not sure if this is what I have always wanted to, hence unconsciously I'm leading my way into this path, or it is just always what God has planned for me. Maybe a little bit of both.
What if somehow my life was a different story? Something a little bit more like my brother's. Would I be happy? Would I crave for my current type of life? Probably. I guess my mind is just sometimes "crazying" around thinking bout something I might ended up doing/being.
then I started to think, how different our lives are.
I'm not saying one is better than another, and to be noted, nothing I'm jealous of, neither him to me. Plus he is a guy, if he was a she, then I'd probably have some jealousy every now and then. LOL.
I'm just observing how our life was always taking quite a different path since before. He was always the "secured" type of person. Going to university close to our hometown. Always be in a serious relationship, I don't think he liked to play around. Or maybe I don't know. Haha.. Well now he is happily married with a woman from a really nice family. Religious, well lived, loving family, etc. A perfect picture to be family of someone you want to introduce to your own family, I'd say.
While me, I was always wandering around. Always try to escape. I chose Bandung to go after graduated from high school. I want to experience something new. I want to travel the world (well I think everybody kinda want this, too. I was just lucky enough to "sometimes" got the chances). I want to know more and more people. I experienced a lot of broken hearts, but I guess that's OK. Not really OK, but hey, I'm survived! :)
And now I'm here, 15.000 KMs from home, 14 hours difference in timezone. Haven't really found someone "adequate" to introduce to my family, I guess. LOL. Parents keep on asking bout "this guy" but I don't think I'll have the guts to.
I think I live the life following the motto "now or never", "you only live once", "you'll regret more of something you didn't do than something you did". And I'm not sure if this is what I have always wanted to, hence unconsciously I'm leading my way into this path, or it is just always what God has planned for me. Maybe a little bit of both.
What if somehow my life was a different story? Something a little bit more like my brother's. Would I be happy? Would I crave for my current type of life? Probably. I guess my mind is just sometimes "crazying" around thinking bout something I might ended up doing/being.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
I hope
God is not mad at me as I frequently whine about something.
And the more I think about it sometimes, the more I realized that I have become ungrateful human being.
I remember back in late 2010 I was somehow quite depressed looking for job. I was a little bit cocky before I graduated because a lot of companies interview me, and I was interning in my current company. So I was like, "omg.. which one to choose? so confused" lol
Until I got the point when those companies stopped chasing me. I was like, OMG am I gonna get a job at all? If I got hired, I swear I would work my ass off, etc..etc
And then what? I got back to be lazyyy most times. Hahaha..
Later after that I was soooo hoping I'll go to school to pursue master degree abroad, especially in the U.S and especially in this school I'm attending now. So basically, if u asked me, what was my biggest dream? Well it is now. And I got it eventually. I was so damn grateful. And now? I'm whining cos I'm sick of studying! LOL. Sometimes I think wouldn't it be nice just to chilling by the beach, drinking with your friends, just like what I did before I got here. Can you believe how ungrateful I am now? Hahahaha...
Oh well, I guess I'll just need to constantly remind myself. Sheila, this was your dream. It came true, but it is not over yet. Keep on working!
Amen!
And the more I think about it sometimes, the more I realized that I have become ungrateful human being.
I remember back in late 2010 I was somehow quite depressed looking for job. I was a little bit cocky before I graduated because a lot of companies interview me, and I was interning in my current company. So I was like, "omg.. which one to choose? so confused" lol
Until I got the point when those companies stopped chasing me. I was like, OMG am I gonna get a job at all? If I got hired, I swear I would work my ass off, etc..etc
And then what? I got back to be lazyyy most times. Hahaha..
Later after that I was soooo hoping I'll go to school to pursue master degree abroad, especially in the U.S and especially in this school I'm attending now. So basically, if u asked me, what was my biggest dream? Well it is now. And I got it eventually. I was so damn grateful. And now? I'm whining cos I'm sick of studying! LOL. Sometimes I think wouldn't it be nice just to chilling by the beach, drinking with your friends, just like what I did before I got here. Can you believe how ungrateful I am now? Hahahaha...
Oh well, I guess I'll just need to constantly remind myself. Sheila, this was your dream. It came true, but it is not over yet. Keep on working!
Amen!
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Not homesick... but
you know how I said in the previous post that I started to love this place and no longer feel homesick? That's true, until I started my semester. LOL.
Basically I'm back to the stressful mode. Probably not as crazy as last semester, cause this semester I have Thursday Friday off, which is great, but then it means I really need to start working on my research. Well basically I got scholarship for working on my research, so no question, I HAVE to do it.
I have the topic already, but I am just not sure how difficult it would be. I really really hope it won't have anything to do with programming, cos I just can't!
But anyway, as stressed as I am, one thing that really has changed is that I am still not homesick. Even the truth is, I'm sad thinking I'll have to go back to Indo. I know now that sounds so snob! Hahaha.. but that's true, man. One of the reasons is probably cos I have had cemceman in here, though it's not serious. But then I also just frickin love this place! No pembantu, but everything is basically available and somehow I feel more more independent here, and more self diciplined, somehow. I don't think that's a correct English, but whatever.
I even think that maybe (maybe) if I nailed my master thesis, then I could continue to PhD just so I could extend my stay? LOL. Oh well, one can only hope. But again even only master I am already stressed, can imagine how it's gonna be for PhD!
One thing kinda disappoint me recently is that the company I'm working on won't lay me off with the "package" of money. Dang it. I already expected it. I was thinking I would go partying everytime with that money. LOL. Kidding of course. But that money will really help. Oh well maybe eventually I'll need to go back to Indo and continue my work? I dunno. I really want to stay here though. *cry*
Annyywaaayyy...
Just quick update from me.
Til next story!
Basically I'm back to the stressful mode. Probably not as crazy as last semester, cause this semester I have Thursday Friday off, which is great, but then it means I really need to start working on my research. Well basically I got scholarship for working on my research, so no question, I HAVE to do it.
I have the topic already, but I am just not sure how difficult it would be. I really really hope it won't have anything to do with programming, cos I just can't!
But anyway, as stressed as I am, one thing that really has changed is that I am still not homesick. Even the truth is, I'm sad thinking I'll have to go back to Indo. I know now that sounds so snob! Hahaha.. but that's true, man. One of the reasons is probably cos I have had cemceman in here, though it's not serious. But then I also just frickin love this place! No pembantu, but everything is basically available and somehow I feel more more independent here, and more self diciplined, somehow. I don't think that's a correct English, but whatever.
I even think that maybe (maybe) if I nailed my master thesis, then I could continue to PhD just so I could extend my stay? LOL. Oh well, one can only hope. But again even only master I am already stressed, can imagine how it's gonna be for PhD!
One thing kinda disappoint me recently is that the company I'm working on won't lay me off with the "package" of money. Dang it. I already expected it. I was thinking I would go partying everytime with that money. LOL. Kidding of course. But that money will really help. Oh well maybe eventually I'll need to go back to Indo and continue my work? I dunno. I really want to stay here though. *cry*
Annyywaaayyy...
Just quick update from me.
Til next story!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Homesick Mood : Zero
I don't know whether it is because I'm on holiday, free of stresses, or what, but at the moment I'm not homesick at all.
In fact, I'm thinking how awesome it is living in here now. Well I hope this feeling will last for quite long time. Hahaha...
I think this is just basically one phase that I would get thru. I'm quite adjusted by now. Not feeling lonely anymore. Plus, again, I'm on holiday, so I don't feel all the stresses of homework etc.
During this holiday, also, I get to see more of this place. I mean, afterall, this is a holiday destination place.
I know at first I was soooo longing of Indo's food. I was dying thinking of how many food I miss. But now, I cook sometimes. And I got friends who usually supply me with some Indo's food. Like sambel, or other stuffs. I think I feel contented by now.
There's a friend of mine who is taking a master program dual uni. Meaning, last semester he spent in the same school as mine in here and now he is in France to spend one semester. The following semester he will be back in the US again. Hahaha! How confusing!
He just texted me how he felt like he wanna cry because some things, like no internet at the moment, plus he just arrived so he didn't have friends yet. Oh well, talking bout adjustment! Can't imagine if I'm in that situation. It will feel like never ending homesick, huh.
But again, I think he will get more advantages eventually. Like u always hear the saying, "what doesn't kill u make u stronger". So after he dealt with all of those struggles, he will feel more achieved in the end. I'm pretty sure of that. And afterall, he gets to see more of the world! Well for me, I think I'd be happy enough to spend all the years in one place. Adequate! LOL.
In fact, I'm thinking how awesome it is living in here now. Well I hope this feeling will last for quite long time. Hahaha...
I think this is just basically one phase that I would get thru. I'm quite adjusted by now. Not feeling lonely anymore. Plus, again, I'm on holiday, so I don't feel all the stresses of homework etc.
During this holiday, also, I get to see more of this place. I mean, afterall, this is a holiday destination place.
I know at first I was soooo longing of Indo's food. I was dying thinking of how many food I miss. But now, I cook sometimes. And I got friends who usually supply me with some Indo's food. Like sambel, or other stuffs. I think I feel contented by now.
There's a friend of mine who is taking a master program dual uni. Meaning, last semester he spent in the same school as mine in here and now he is in France to spend one semester. The following semester he will be back in the US again. Hahaha! How confusing!
He just texted me how he felt like he wanna cry because some things, like no internet at the moment, plus he just arrived so he didn't have friends yet. Oh well, talking bout adjustment! Can't imagine if I'm in that situation. It will feel like never ending homesick, huh.
But again, I think he will get more advantages eventually. Like u always hear the saying, "what doesn't kill u make u stronger". So after he dealt with all of those struggles, he will feel more achieved in the end. I'm pretty sure of that. And afterall, he gets to see more of the world! Well for me, I think I'd be happy enough to spend all the years in one place. Adequate! LOL.
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