Coming out of what's "almost hell"

The year of 2021 was probably the most challenging time of my life so far. To be totally frank about it, the guy I was seeing broke up with me in the beginning of 2021 before Valentine's Day when we were supposed to go for a Valentine's movie night, I lost my job almost right after (after about 1 year or more of constant fear of getting laid off), almost lost the chance of getting my green card (which was already half way in the process), had to fully support my family's finance back in Indo (actually until now). The thing is, most people didn't know how fucking hard that really was. Yes I'm still so thankful that the company I worked for had given us so much money for the prior 2 years working there - that I was able to save so much and hence why I could survive without 0 income for almost a year. Can you imagine? No income, still paid all my bills (rent, car, and family's bills in Indo), and literally no way to earn any income or find a job because my green card was still not approved (and even almost got totally cancelled). I was in the deepest mourn of my life and the thought of going back to Indo just felt like a total disaster. 

Everyone including my mom was like, it's okay if you have to go back. It's not the end of the world. Well guess what, it would be the end of mine- personally speaking. I had been living in the US for 6 years at that point and even if I want to go back to Indo - I'd want it to be my decision, not something I was pushed to do. And living with my family again? God. I love them but no. I. just. can't. imagine. any of it.

I was praying so hard, cried a lot (almost everyday), begged for jobs. Even had this offer from a geothermal company in Indo who offered me an admin job (?) lol for about $350/mo, and they said you could start from here and eventually find a way to move up as the geoscientist you are. Begged for jobs to people who I thought were my "connections" but no one could help me. I was so depressed that I finally decided to work as a volunteer at a food bank just to feel useful for once. Imagine all the fancy titles and projects I used to do and now all I did was asking homeless people for their names and handed out food for them. It was a very humbling experience. Not to mention that some people who worked in the food bank was quite an asshole to me. But anyways... it WAS an experience. 

At that time - it felt like an eternity. It's like you walk in a dark tunnel with no hints of lights. I was thinking of the worst. Moving back to Indo, drain all of my savings, will never know when I can go back to the US again and totally losing hope of getting that permanent residency. Even if it still could happen, I'd need to start the whole process all over again (getting sponsored for YEARS and so so limited in everything), or getting married to a citizen lol (not that easy, trust me). 

Suddenly (but mostly gradually), things started to happen. Again, not easy. I lived in constant fear, anxiety, uncertainty. Had to schedule multiple sessions with my immigration attorney which cost me $350 for a 30min Zoom call. Finally saw some lights about my green card. Had to spend another $10K or more for the final process of it. Still no certainties. Just a step forward towards "something". Nine fucking months, man. Until I finally got confirmation of green card approval. Even the attorney said it would've been a miracle, my chance was sooooo small. God's willing. And then I could apply for unemployment (to help paying for my bills a little bit), could apply for jobs again and finally got interviews. You know, applying for jobs without a citizenship or permanent residency was almost impossible - especially during the downturn. I mean, you could apply - but no they won't hire you or even interview you.

And finally in February of 2022 - got my current job and moved to a much better city. 

Found a new boyfriend. 

Found an amazing community.

Feel alive for once again.

It's still not all rainbows and butterflies, but hey..

I need to write all this to remind myself. You were there. You experienced that. Look at where you are now. Be grateful! Seriously.

Been a while...

Can't believe I haven't really written here for a long time. Well.. I kinda know why... There's not enough good things happened lately that make me wanna write or remember it. Seems sad and gloomy? But that's the reality...

Lately I have been thinking a lot more about what really matters in life. Seems like there are a lot of things in life you can't count on. You think you have someone or a few people around you that you can't count on, but not really...

It also really makes you think, who are the real friends? Who are, or were, even real anymore now? Everyone only cares about themselves. But then again... asking my own self, have I really been someone that other people can count on?

Things have been real crazy for the past two years that really challenge my own faith too. Irony, huh? My blog name is "have a faith" and I can barely keep it.. It's just... sometimes when so many bad things happen, either to you or people that are close to you, it makes you think - Does God really exist? Even typing this makes me cringed a little, how dare I think that way? 

But seriously... sometimes I think, what if everything in life just happens randomly. It's all statistics. Yes there are "outliers", but you can almost predict what can happen to someone's life based on their past, their family, their place of origins, their community, etc. It's so sad to get pretty close to believing it cos I definitely want to believe that things happen for a reason and it's already pretty much destined. That nothing really is meaningless... But then again, how come some people just have to endure much more unfortunate stuffs in their lives compared to the others? And maybe there are some people who are always in a comfortable situation all their lives. I know that would be rare, but I doubt they don't exist.

I really... really want to see the happy ending to it. Don't everyone else? We all want a happy ending of our lives. I hope I'll be a much more wise version of myself one day to understand it all..

August memories

Just realized I hadn't updated my life for so many months... Many things happened.. Recently I was involved with two guys. Suddenly got a lot of attentions around February and March, but then everything fell apart. LOL. Still good friends with both of them though...
I also just had my 31st birthday. Can't believe I'm just getting older and older... I feel like I haven't been a very grateful person sometimes.
Just yesterday also got my first nephew! So now I'm a proud aunt of 1 girl and 1 boy... Though they will rarely ever see me. I'm soooo far awayyyy here by myself, which I guiltily feel happy about.

Been traveling so much this Summer and almost always going somewhere over the weekends.

Life is good and nothing to really complain about!

Forgetting how to be grateful

This morning I woke up in a hotel room in LA, getting ready for my flight to Denver for a conference (slash) vacation. I haven't been back to Colorado since I graduated from my Masters (back in December 2017). So it's about a little bit more than a year.
All of sudden I was thinking, gosh... how come I forgot how grateful I should be for the life I have right now? I do remember very clearly how struggled I was when I was working on my Masters in Colorado... How I didn't have many friends, didn't have money, couldn't go out have fun cos.. again.. I don't have money or friends to enjoy my life. YET at that time I should've felt grateful. So many people want to be in my shoes at that time, going to grad school for free in a really really good school in the States.

Anyways... I'm writing this because I feel the need to constantly remind myself to focus on what I HAVE than what I don't have in my life. Cos what? Cos I will really remember all of these things once I lost it. And God forbid I'll lose this in my life. I really don't want to go back to the struggling life without certainties and securities.

Now I can travel whenever I want to... where ever I wanna go to... I can buy whatever I feel like buying (in moderation of course). I sleep on a very comfortable bed and do not need to share my space with anyone for the sake of cutting expense. I have many friends (tho I also lost some) that are very good friends and we share a lot of enjoyable memories and stories together. I still have family who love me back in Indonesia (tho, yes, I'm a pretty cold daughter *still*).

This cycle always happened, tho. I get comfortable. I have everything I need (more or less), and I start questioning if I'm happy enough. If I have accomplished enough. If there'a anything else I'm missing and if I'm gonna be miserable without that thing to complete my life.
I need to remember not to be too hard on my own self. I have achieved a lot. God has been very very very kind to me. I have to be very grateful for all the things I have right now.

And the quote that just reminded me of that too: "remember the days you prayed for the things you have now".

Yes. Indeed.

Relationship Insecurity

So like I posted on here couple of months ago I broke up with my BF... which apparently he sorta cheated on me... Well I like to insist that it's cheating although he never really agreed to commit to me.. But yea he cheated, cos he hid it from me.. Anyways... he got into a relationship with this girl very quickly (they are BF-GF immediately) and it made me really frickin mad and crazy for a while.. maybe about 1-2 months.

Well thanks to my current love interest, I moved on from my Ex and we are actually friends now. We still talk pretty frequently and I have almost zero negative emotions about it. And guess what? The GF is now sooooo damn insecure about me. And I'm just lalalalalala and act very chill about the whole thing (as long as my Ex still talks to me every now and then, as a friend).

Honestly if this girl wasn't a catalyst to our break-up, I would totally back off more than I do now, to respect their relationship. Cos I understand how intimidating it would be if I was with someone that still talks very frequently to their ex. And my ex is always very bad in giving an assurance in any romantic relationship he is in, BTW, so that is his fault. And yea frankly I enjoy this time, when I'm pretty much chill about our friendship (my ex and I) and he kept telling me about how stressful it is that they always argue about me. Girl, isn't karma a bitch?

Honestly again, if they ended up together for a long term relationship, that's fine too. At this point I don't want to go back with my ex anymore (he doesn't have anything to offer but love. Literally). I just feel kinda bad that he again ends up in that kind of dynamic. An insecure gf. I was one. But at least we were in a long distance relationship. This girl is actually there, living pretty close to him. Oh well... who cares now?

In the end of the day I learn more and more that insecurity in a relationship is inevitable. But there's nothing really you can do to make it better, other than to be chill and accept the reality, or leave. The more you nag about things that make you insecure, the more they (the guys) are turned off by it. If you're not okay with many things in the relationship and continuously feeling insecure, leave. Of course it's easier said than done... I'd know that better than anyone lol....

Dating... (have I had a post with this title before..?)

Ever since I broke up with Eric about 3 months ago, I've been involved in a dating saga.. Met 3 people and had a great time with the first two. The third one was a funny story but not sure if I wanna talk about that...

First guy I met was great on a paper. He's an engineer, 29 y.o., looks like he's pretty settled financially, oh... very good looking and great body, he is a surfer too - so you can imagine. Hmmm what else, oh he's a Catholic (wow!) and seems to have a nice family. Buttt... it failed lol. We had a great time the first time and then we were gonna meet up the 2nd time which he bailed on me twice! So the conclusion is, he might have a GF and a total douchebag...

Second guy is great... He's very good looking, tall (I only date guys 6' and taller lol), very sweet, very successful in his career, very attentive, and... very good at.... dudududuu.... so many things ;)
In fact I'm still seeing him.. But this wouldn't go anywhere, which I don't really wanna elaborate why.. In the end of the day he's really something and I'd probably remember our time together forever in my heart..

Third guy I met was a musician, played 6 instruments. Pretty good looking, pretty short to my liking (5'7") and very pretentious. Oh and he's a 90% vegan. Big no.... I loveeee food too much to date you dude. And so many other things I don't like about him...

We'll see how all of this dating saga go... ;)

Break-Ups

I may have had a post in the past with this title.. Oh well, whatever 😃. Soo... I may not have updated in here, but I finally broke up with Eric. We have been together (long distance) for 2 years and 8 months, roughly. We would have broken up last year during the Summer when our relationship really hit a painful wall. But because I can never break up with anybody I love, we kept our relationship until recently. There's so many obvious reasons for us to break up, from his side and my side. Actually, my side is more obvious (maybe there has been about 10 or more people wondered WHY I still stayed in the relationship) compared to his side. YET he's the one that insisted to break-up. Not because we don't love each other or not enjoying each other's company; but because if we had stayed together longer, we knew it would turn ugly. So, now, when we're still in a loving state, it sounds better to break up and stay friends.

Man it's never easy to break up, altho with this one probably I got it much easier than anyone else. At least for now. Sometimes when the withdrawal kicked in, I got super sad. But I can always call him and give him a hard time. LOL. In general, I like being in a relationship. I don't like dating around. It's like trying to find a diamond in the middle of desert full of haystack. I just made up that analogy. But yea I'm too lazy to be adventurous in a dating game. Too many frogs out there and the prince is hidden somewhere. Even the ones that thought they have found their prince, will later realized their prince are just a disguised frog. How sad is that?

One thing I learned from past break-ups, though, is that I can always fall in love just as hard as I can, with someone. Whenever I broke up I would think I may never fall in love again, and guess what? I fell HARD all over again. So.. that's a good sign and a good promise for the future. Will see what's waiting for me ahead...🤞.