Relationship Insecurity

So like I posted on here couple of months ago I broke up with my BF... which apparently he sorta cheated on me... Well I like to insist that it's cheating although he never really agreed to commit to me.. But yea he cheated, cos he hid it from me.. Anyways... he got into a relationship with this girl very quickly (they are BF-GF immediately) and it made me really frickin mad and crazy for a while.. maybe about 1-2 months.

Well thanks to my current love interest, I moved on from my Ex and we are actually friends now. We still talk pretty frequently and I have almost zero negative emotions about it. And guess what? The GF is now sooooo damn insecure about me. And I'm just lalalalalala and act very chill about the whole thing (as long as my Ex still talks to me every now and then, as a friend).

Honestly if this girl wasn't a catalyst to our break-up, I would totally back off more than I do now, to respect their relationship. Cos I understand how intimidating it would be if I was with someone that still talks very frequently to their ex. And my ex is always very bad in giving an assurance in any romantic relationship he is in, BTW, so that is his fault. And yea frankly I enjoy this time, when I'm pretty much chill about our friendship (my ex and I) and he kept telling me about how stressful it is that they always argue about me. Girl, isn't karma a bitch?

Honestly again, if they ended up together for a long term relationship, that's fine too. At this point I don't want to go back with my ex anymore (he doesn't have anything to offer but love. Literally). I just feel kinda bad that he again ends up in that kind of dynamic. An insecure gf. I was one. But at least we were in a long distance relationship. This girl is actually there, living pretty close to him. Oh well... who cares now?

In the end of the day I learn more and more that insecurity in a relationship is inevitable. But there's nothing really you can do to make it better, other than to be chill and accept the reality, or leave. The more you nag about things that make you insecure, the more they (the guys) are turned off by it. If you're not okay with many things in the relationship and continuously feeling insecure, leave. Of course it's easier said than done... I'd know that better than anyone lol....

Dating... (have I had a post with this title before..?)

Ever since I broke up with Eric about 3 months ago, I've been involved in a dating saga.. Met 3 people and had a great time with the first two. The third one was a funny story but not sure if I wanna talk about that...

First guy I met was great on a paper. He's an engineer, 29 y.o., looks like he's pretty settled financially, oh... very good looking and great body, he is a surfer too - so you can imagine. Hmmm what else, oh he's a Catholic (wow!) and seems to have a nice family. Buttt... it failed lol. We had a great time the first time and then we were gonna meet up the 2nd time which he bailed on me twice! So the conclusion is, he might have a GF and a total douchebag...

Second guy is great... He's very good looking, tall (I only date guys 6' and taller lol), very sweet, very successful in his career, very attentive, and... very good at.... dudududuu.... so many things ;)
In fact I'm still seeing him.. But this wouldn't go anywhere, which I don't really wanna elaborate why.. In the end of the day he's really something and I'd probably remember our time together forever in my heart..

Third guy I met was a musician, played 6 instruments. Pretty good looking, pretty short to my liking (5'7") and very pretentious. Oh and he's a 90% vegan. Big no.... I loveeee food too much to date you dude. And so many other things I don't like about him...

We'll see how all of this dating saga go... ;)

Break-Ups

I may have had a post in the past with this title.. Oh well, whatever 😃. Soo... I may not have updated in here, but I finally broke up with Eric. We have been together (long distance) for 2 years and 8 months, roughly. We would have broken up last year during the Summer when our relationship really hit a painful wall. But because I can never break up with anybody I love, we kept our relationship until recently. There's so many obvious reasons for us to break up, from his side and my side. Actually, my side is more obvious (maybe there has been about 10 or more people wondered WHY I still stayed in the relationship) compared to his side. YET he's the one that insisted to break-up. Not because we don't love each other or not enjoying each other's company; but because if we had stayed together longer, we knew it would turn ugly. So, now, when we're still in a loving state, it sounds better to break up and stay friends.

Man it's never easy to break up, altho with this one probably I got it much easier than anyone else. At least for now. Sometimes when the withdrawal kicked in, I got super sad. But I can always call him and give him a hard time. LOL. In general, I like being in a relationship. I don't like dating around. It's like trying to find a diamond in the middle of desert full of haystack. I just made up that analogy. But yea I'm too lazy to be adventurous in a dating game. Too many frogs out there and the prince is hidden somewhere. Even the ones that thought they have found their prince, will later realized their prince are just a disguised frog. How sad is that?

One thing I learned from past break-ups, though, is that I can always fall in love just as hard as I can, with someone. Whenever I broke up I would think I may never fall in love again, and guess what? I fell HARD all over again. So.. that's a good sign and a good promise for the future. Will see what's waiting for me ahead...🤞.

Some thoughts..

It is truly easier to consider everything in life has it's period. Or expired dates, something like that. Nothing will truly last forever. That's why it's sometimes sad but relieving to see news about somebody's misfortunes : divorce, death, lost of job, etc. And.. it creeps you with some disbelief and jealousy when someone is having a stable relationship, very successful life. You wonder, "when will it all come down to the fall?".

It sounds mean, but I believe many people feel the same way. I feel the same way about myself too. When I'm in the peak of my success, I get scared.. a little bit. Like... is it gonna last for a long time? 

But why do we worry about that at all? Sometimes all the worrisome don't mean anything. You worry about what people may think about you when they don't add value to your existence, anyway. 

Anyways.. on the other note, I currently have some many girlfriends.. I think this is the first time in a long time. I'm surrounded by girls. Girl squad or some sort. Which is interesting... It is fun but also can raise an eyebrow most of the times. I'm still glad, though, because hanging out with boys can be fun but also they don't get us (girls) that much. But with girls, I realize that the friendship has a lot of complimenting each other (oh you look so pretty, I like your dress, I love your hair...blablabla), a lot of talk about guys/marriage/kids, a lot of gossiping about other people (oh yes my favorite too), and I'm pretty sure.. a lot of jealousy behind all of it as well. One of my friends is in love at the moment and all of sudden she now talks like a love/relationship expert. LOL. Maybe I think like that because I'm jealous. But it's just pretty annoying. Honestly when I'm in a happy relationship I was just silent and not bragging about it. Cos I know it would suck when it fell apart. And heck how can you be so certain about your significant other? Nobody can predict anything..

Oh well... just some thoughts.. But all in all, I'm still pretty happy to experience these new kind of friendships

Passion

There is a girl that just got interviewed by the company I'm working with. She is about 6 years older than me I think. She is single too. Anyways, so apparently she is very passionate about social work kinda thing. Like she would volunteer at the 3rd world country, etc. Or just do something for the community. That's what her passion is. And then that leads me to ask myself a question.. "what's your passion, Sheila?".

It's pretty hard to think about it. I wish I had something great that I'm passionate about. I'm not passionate about my job. I'm good at it, though. But then I think again, what is it that I always see myself excited about?

- Food (I can find myself browsing about food for hours)
- Beauty (I keep on looking for self enhancement. Nails, hair, skin, make-up, all the fricking time)
- Traveling (duh, who doesn't?)
- Nature (now I get myself into more and more hiking and camping activities and I'm so happy about it).

Well, there you go! That's my passion. Although it's all for me, me and me. It doesn't really relate to making the world a better place, lol. Or maybe it's not true. I like to introduce good food to people. I like to make good food to share. I also am excited in letting my friends know about a good fashion or beauty trend. I always told my friends where to go to get their nails done, etc. I love traveling with friends, or planning a trip together. I love going on adventures with my friends and experience it together.

There you go! That's my passion :)

And oh, happy 30th birthday to myself. I love me! :D

Life has been good.. Turning 30 soon.

I realized I haven't posted anything here for a while, but I'd like to remember this time. The time when my life has been good.. great, even.. I have an awesome job with really good coworkers, awesome group of friends here in Bako (who could have thought?), a pretty good relationship stability at the moment with Eric. Who knows til when it would last?

In 2 weeks I will turn 30. It's so crazy. When I look back, I remember this is the kind of life I always had wanted it to be. Career woman, always dreamed to be one. For some reason, tho, I thought I would have had a family by this age. Altho that might be affecting the career side (which means I might not have been at this level in my career, had I gotten married and have kids). But yea, it's amazing how going from 20 to 30, I have gone through so many unpredictable things. I remember when I just turned 20, I was in bad relationship (about to break up), still in college, didn't know what the future may bring. And during my 20s, these happened:
- Graduated pretty early and got a job with Chevron
- Been through several little relationships here and there (before my 20, I barely had any experience with any guys, lol). Had memorable vacations with some of them.
- Did a really horrible thing for once, well, at 20 something you must have been dumb at least for once. Learned a lot from it, tho.
- Partied hard. Which I'm glad I did after I started my job, not when I was in school. So I actually was able to do it and had money to do it.
- Started traveling abroad and to many countries: Singapore, Hongkong, Macau, China, Japan, Turkey, South Korea, UAE, Vietnam, Thailand, Egypt, Palestine, Israel, Jordan, Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, and.. the mighty USA of course in the end.
- Quit my steady job, admitted to my dream school in the US for Masters, oil crash, struggled, bounced back, got a job in the US, experience a whole new life over here, in another country very far away from Indonesia.
- Got my first tattoo and "piercing" lol. What an accomplishment.

I'm happy with what I have achieved in my 20s. There are some things that I wish I had done more, but in the end of the day, everything is just a lot more than I expected. Thanks God for everything...

Money

Lately I'm somewhat bothered by people... especially people who wants to use me because I now am pretty secured, financially speaking. I mean, c'mon people. I just started this work. Yes I'm doing well, but it's not nice to be asking me for your "funding machine" just bcos now I'm making certain amount of money. And to remind you, making money isn't easy OK? My job isn't that hard, either, but it's just not nice to be taking benefits of this right away..

I can help a little here and there, but I notice now some people thought that I'm super rich or whatever that they started to ask a huge amount of money to borrow. Like.. what the fuck?

Yes I'm insecure about money to begin with. I don't want to lose my money to people that might not even give it back eventually. Plus.. another thing that bothers me, if I help you, who will help me? Huh? NOBODY. I repeat. NO ONE. I was in the deepest financial fall about 2 years ago and I didn't ask anybody to help me, OKAY?! I sold my gold bars. I used all of my savings. And these people, heck if they'd help me at all.

Damn I'm just pissed.

A myth: perfect friend

The word "perfect" itself is a myth to begin with. When somebody compliments your work by saying, "perfect!", they don't mean it. They were just saying it to emphasize that you did a great work.

Anyway.. That's not what I want to write about.

I'm just now thinking, there is no one person, or a friend of mine in particular, that never annoys me. I think that's pretty normal, tho, right?
It's funny how most people want to show the world how they are happy with their friends, how their friends are the best people, but I know deep down there are a lot of moments where they are so frickin annoyed by the "friends". Well... including me.

Maybe I'm just a bad person. That will explain a lot, why I'm so annoyed by my friends. Not everybody, tho. Just some people that appeared to be very close to me in the past, and when they suddenly didn't show their attentions anymore, it pisses me off. LOL. Tricky part is, I hate when a friend is too attentive (mostly guys). But I also hate when my friends are forgetting me (mostly girls). That makes me annoyed to both genders.

Girl friends are weird. They seem to like you but they are also jealous of you. Maybe that's just what human are in general. I'm sure many are more "saints" person, definitely not me.

Can someone be in love for that long..?

My current relationship is probably the longest I've ever been in. 2 years and couple of months in. And I love him, so much, I would think so. At least for now. I don't know in the long run. Usually I'm afraid I love too much and didn't get it reciprocated. But recently I'm afraid I will fall out of love eventually. Just bcause... I never had experience being in a long term relationship. And even now, we are in a long distance one. What if we live together? Would it be better or worse?

Another reason is he may not be the person I will look up to, eventually. Ahh... I dunno...

Four more months

and I will be 30. Gosh... Isn't that pretty crazy? LOL.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself to be at this point in my (upcoming) 30. So far I have accomplished:
- 5 years of working experience as a geophysicist (hasn't wasted any fricking time of my life, doing something else)
- Master's degree (in geophysics) from a great school in the US
- Have 1 apartment in Jakarta that is actively being rented (walopun yaaaa... apartment gitu2 ajeee sichh)
- And now I have very secured job with good income in the States, can afford a really comfortable life as well.

Again... I don't expect anyone to read my blog anyways, so, sorry if it sounds very bragging LMAO.
I just write this solely for myself.

Of course as a common people living in this world, there is something I haven't yet accomplished, which is getting married and have kids. But then, it makes me think again, well.... would I still have all of those things I mentioned earlier, if I had kids? Maybe not... I never intentionally avoid having a family, you know. I would probably be married with kids now if any of my past relationships worked out well for me. But then... I think again, maybe God made it failed, so I can achieve all of the things I have at the moment? Right?

 A friend of mine is visiting me in Bako at the moment. Very similar to me, single and mingle, independent and all sort of shits. But she doesn't want to have kids. LOL. That's a rarity. I wish I had that thought so then supposedly I don't have to worry about anything at this moment. And I even now think, do I really want to have kids (eventually), or is it because the society makes me believe that I want to have kids? But then again.... why many people complained about how having kids interfere with their dreams? I have friends that always complain how they miss their lives when they're single, and I believe that. I think, in the end, it's not really black and white, you know. It's not like a winning or losing whenever you choose something between those two, although people always try to do that. But then again, I look at my own family. I am a very very cold daughter in the family, I think. Hahahaha... I mean, I'm really not a lovey dovey daughter and I think I blame my parents for that. I'm never used to that. And now, I try to get as far as possible from home, without ever thinking that I miss my home. Never. Well, I miss the food. That's all. But being away from home is a fucking bliss.

So anyways, looking at my own life, I think, would I want to raise kids with all of those sacrificed money and time, and let them just go very far away from home? With very minimum contact (cos I hate phone calls). For what? To be proud that my kids (supposedly) are successful in their life? What is the point of all of that?

So technically I will sacrifice my dreams, spending most of money and time to raise kids, and then watch them having their own fricking lives. Aren't that pretty nuts? But also not. I dunno. I think when you have kids, you just gotta accept anything no matter what. Cos again, the kids didn't ask you to be born to begin with.

Easily Annoyed

I am so easily annoyed. Especially by single guys. That I'm not attracted to. Yet very persistent.

I don't like to have guy friends that look like he wants to date me at some point. That's why I usually like to be friends with taken guys (that absolutely have no interests in me more than friendship) or gay guys. Or closeted gay guys.

Single guys. Gosh..... I can't even explain how ANNOYED I am by them. Cos, dudes, if I want to date you, trust me, I will make it very clear. You texting me many times with so many HINTS just make me very very very annoyed.

There is this one guy that constantly texting me, every couple of days. And mostly the conversation is not even important. And he is taken, that's why I kinda entertained him. But then lately his relationship is getting bad and he is texting me more and more. And one time I talked about guys in my life, and you know what he said?
"um.. may I ask you why are you telling me this?"

:|

Um... making conversation dumbass... I'm not trying to make you jealous or anything helloo....???

Another guy friend of mine constantly trying to ask me to go traveling with him. And I don't even like him as a friend >> super dramatic, possessive, sensitive, you name it. I don't like you. I just don't. Hello? Is it not clear?
I said, "well.. wouldn't it be awkward if we travel just two of us?">> my way of saying "NO" in a nicer way.
Him: "Sheila... you're not a stranger." >> I know he starts to get irritated by my response.

GODAMNIT just leave me alone, yes you you and you who I don't want to be close to.

Random thoughts and fun plans

So at this moment I'm randomly thinking bout something. Do you know the feelings when you are broken hearted by someone and think that that person is so so awful and hurting you personally? Like intentionally hurting you and such. Like they find joy in your tears, etc etc. Well, sometimes, when you are somebody outside that relationship, you can see that actually it may not be personal. Like, that person just didn't have other choice than to hurt you. They probably didn't want to hurt you but they had to do it in order to get what they wanted (which wasn't you). You know?

Well... this morning I'm thinking. It may actually be the opposite, for some people. For example, my long time ex. An ex that hasn't even got married til this day (and he's like, 45 maybe now?). Anyways.. I think he is a little psycho or maybe just super immature. Too long to explain here.. But that's my conclusions after our latest conversation. Yes I still talk to him every now and then altho I don't want to get back to him at this point. Phew.. just glad I'm no longer associated with him or have my feelings affected by him.

On another note, I'm pretty excited for upcoming plans that I have. Portland in a few days, and Las Vegas in less than 3 weeks. And.. possibly Hawaii in a month? Not sure.. depending on a friend of mine. But.... yesterday I went out with this friend and somehow had some concerns now :\
She was so mean to the waitress at the restaurant we went to. That kinda threw me off a little bit. Oh well... we will see....We may not travel together after all, LOL..

Life has been pretty good for me. Not awesome. Altho I don't even know if awesomeness lasts for long period of time. I think it comes once a while. Just gotta be grateful that it is "good" life instead of "awful". Right?

Update on the friends making attempt

So.... I finally made a few friends! The amazing thing about it is that we are all about the same age (28-29) and we are all single LOL! Crazy huh? Single means we are not married and even if some of us (including me) have some sort of "someone" in our lives, it's not a too committed one. The point is, we are all just as single as it can be in Bakersfield! LOL. I like it because we are all trapped here and we are all fun and excited and full of energy. So, no choice other than trying to be friends with each other and make plans. Awesome huh?

So far we have hung out once in a restaurant/bar and attended our friend's, Pooja's birthday. Honestly Pooja is the glue of everyone maybe. Or one of the glue. I met Pooja at the gym just ONCE lol, can you believe it. And she already invited me to her birthday night. Twice. So I met Jennifer, which is Pooja's coworker. Jennifer lives with her bestfriend since many years ago, Doreen. Both Jennifer and Doreen met Michelle from hiking event, and Michelle works at oil and gas industry too. LMAO. Whatta world.

And I also met some other girls but not sure if we will hang out with them more or not. Haven't had any plans. But the point is, now I know what to do and with who. We already think about doing more hiking and salsa and zumba together :)

Hopefully it will be as fun as I hope. Fingers crossed for a more fun life in Bako!

Update + making friends

Hello hello... it has been a little over a month since I started my new life in Bakersfield... One positive thing in my life is: dude I just keep on making money. Like... seriously. It's only been a month and I already make something that would take me 4 years in Indonesia. LOL. Thanks to sign-on bonus and tax returns I just got. It may sound exaggerated, but it is pretty comparable to what I had in my savings when I left Indonesia. Andd... to be noted, that money I saved during 4.5 yr work in Indonesia also already done... finished. Cos I had to use it when I needed money for my life during school time. Plus, all the gold bars that I bought, already sold everything. I was that broke, man..

It's pretty funny and true when people said that wealth and money is very temporary. It can come and go anytime. But my finance has been pretty good lately. I didn't even need to touch any of my pension  money from Indonesia (when I left CVX). Anndd... my apartment in Jakarta keeps on getting new renters. Pretty awesome.

Should sound like a perfect life, huh?

Well.. not so much, cos ain't nobody has a perfect life. Or actually.... it depends on how you look at it. Haha.. It may be that I'm just an ungrateful person, impatient, you name it. One thing that I'd been struggling since I came to the US is the thing about making friends. Dude it was already hard in Colorado. I did have friends that I could have lunch with and such. But... I didn't really have friends I could go shopping with, go to salon with, had deep conversation or even the most ridiculous conversation ever, etc. But at least they were friends... I went eating with them. YET I still complained during that time, remember?!

You know what... It is pretty much worse now. Much more worse hahahaha.... During the Summer I was in Bako, I had my intern friends which I hung out with at least once a week. That was pretty satisfying. But now those intern friends are not all getting hired by the company. And those who ended up getting hired, were pretty shitty friends lol. I actually tried to ask em to hangout and I was just being ignored. What about co-workers? Well... everybody but one person are married guys. I'm not even joking. You don't want to hangout with bunch of married guys, especially when you're single. And live in a small city. LOL. Now I actually realize something about myself. I REALLY NEED FRIENDS.
There was a time in Indonesia (specifically in Jakarta) when I kinda felt lonely, but I didn't care that much, cos I always had friends. I could always hang out anytime I wanted to. I was just picky, you know. Snobby me. Well... I think God plays with me now. "Girl now you need to feel how it's like when you are the one that have to work to make friends." Oh.My.Gawd. I completely need to get out of my comfort zone. Need to be more friendly with people. Putting my self "out there". Be more kind. More patient. Less sensitive. Try to be OK with some type of rejections. Not like obvious rejections. But you know how it feels like, when people are not really wanting to hang out with you that much. You know.

I think there is a really fine line in making friends in your late 20s, and above that age. Like... you need to be friendly enough and open to anyone. And like... casual... not too self conscious or shy or socially awkward. But also, need to be so aware if you're being too forward, or clingy, or needy. Cos nobody likes that type of people to befriend with, especially during the early stage of friendship. Gosh I totally remember the time I WAS the person who felt like people had been trying too much to be my friend. HAHAHAHA... AND I TOOK THEM FOR GRANTED.

Again.. this is Karma, dude.

Oh well... at least I now learn something about myself, and at least I can grow more as a person (hopefully).
And let's not forget that I can always buy anything I want at the moment. THANK YOU GOD, sincerely. Seriously. At least one thing to not worry about in life.

Harder than it looks like

It is good to be inspired by people, but remember that all the nice things you see (a.k.a the result) is a product of a very very hard work. Nothing comes easy.

When people see me getting a nice job now, live in a nice apartment, etc, that wasn't easy bro.
To list the things that took me to get to this point:
- I sacrificed my full-time job with a multi-national company that is considered one of the biggest in the world
- I left my country, my comfort zone, family, friends
- I actually took my saving plan from the company, that ultimately made me lost the company contribution to my savings. Meaning: of my savings plan, I lost half of the money bcos I took it earlier than it's supposed to be. I also sold some of my assets (not that much lol), just to help me living.
- I lived in the U.S, working on my Master's with SOOO limited income. I can barely imagine how I could live like that for 2 yrs lololol.
- I totally had to make new friends (which was never too successful)
- Sacrificed the need to eat all the good food (trust me this was harddd)
- I basically was on my own. No help from anybody. Well, there were some supports here and there but not significant
- I had to do all required processes using my own finance. There were a lot of moments where I doubt this all will work out eventually.

Anyway,
it just somewhat irritates me when people complain about how difficult it is and then gave up. Oh well, that's their life to begin with. But I feel like telling em, "dude. it was never easy for me, either. So quit whining and just work your ass off".

If there's somebody that totally helps a lot with the process, maybe one of my professor. Not only that  he gave me full scholarship and stipend, he also applied another scholarship for me that allowed me to extend one more semester in the school. That then led me to be able to do internship and such and such. But other than that, in order to survive, I had to also work part time job in school. Wowtsah..

That's good, tho. It's good to survive yourself when nobody could help you. Cos what?
Then nobody can claim that they were behind your own success.

2017 Summary

2017 was a bitter sweet year. I don't really want to talk a lot about my relationship that went up and down so much this past year. That was probably the most hurt experience I have ever had. Eventually that led me to work my ass off more on my school, which actually paid back. I nailed a Summer Internship. A very very VERY hard thing to achieve, especially at that time the oil price was still considerably low. I did very well on the internship which then also led me to get a full-time offer. BUT. I needed to graduate and earn my Masters first. So I (again) worked my ass off and finished!

This year I achieved a lot of things in terms of career and school. Which frankly was my ultimate goal anyway. Relationship wise, was pretty hurtful, but,.. it is what it is. We're still together, although I'm not very strongly sure anymore that it will last.

Now I'm moved to new state, new city, new apartment. Definitely more fancy life, but also a lot more responsibility. Adult time!

2017 was also the last year I got to be 20 something, so I got a tattoo and a badass piercing lololol...

Please be nice to me, 2018 :)