This is the other part of my life that has been repeated again. The part where I know I'm that close to my dream. Mixed feelings. Excited (for sure) yet scared. Scared of what? Many things. Scared of failure (amit-amit jabang bayi), scared of a change. Changes. Again, something new. That's what I learn about me. I'm always scared about changes, yet I'd die without it. I would be so extremely miserable if I was stuck in the same place for a long time without any improvement.
Now I'm ready for new life that is coming for me. Work life. *fingers tightly crossed*
I like to plan what I would do once I get to that point:
- Find a new place and furnish it based on my absolute taste. I have never had that chance before, I just never had the money. Even after I started working 7 years ago, my salary was not enough for me to do a lot for my own place and its furniture (that will be exactly my taste).
- Plan trips again! Finally! I haven't explored any new countries in years now. Gosh.... I really really really hope next time I can really go to Europe
Honestly those two things would probably be the essential ones. Nothing else I really desire to do after starting my new job. God please help me graduate as soon as possible.. :)
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Monday, September 11, 2017
Staying in the U.S
It is funny sometimes how life works. One minute you were in the most down part of your life, and the next minute you are at the top of the world. I think that is what happened to me. Last year I was at my worst condition. I mean, in terms of financial. Also everything didn't look promising to me. I was thinking what would happen next? Will I be able to stay in the U.S? How would I do that? By continuing PhD program? Or maybe by getting married? LOL. The later one does sound pretty crazy, although possible. Maybe very very small chance, though. Work opportunities was very very slim, I didn't even know if that may exist. No company would even glance into my CV, me being an international student.
You would ask, why? Well, first off, this is not my country. Second, oil price was very low. Third, why would they hire me if they would end up needing to sponsor for my working visa? That sounds like a lot of work, indeed. That's why at that time PhD sounded like the only option for me if I wanted to stay here. Although now looking back I would cringe. Seriously, even Masters now I'm already exhausted. I just want to graduate and go back to make money again.
Sometimes I'm amazed about how God works in my life. I feel so lucky a lot of the times. Miracle suddenly happened the start of this year, when the manager of my consortium sent email to us (the students) about an internship opportunity. I of course was pumped to apply. And you know what? Almost nobody took a look at that opportunity. Because almost all of them have gotten internships somewhere else. They even kinda laughed at this one because they never heard of the company before, and it is also located at the worst place of California. I didn't care. I only wanted a job, no matter where it is. In the end it was only me and another PhD student that apply for this internship. We both got the interview, which I was really not sure that I did well. Apparently I did. They decided to give me the internship, and even better, the offer is a lot higher than other students in my consortium got. Crazyness.
I worked my ass of during the internship, while some other people (including my intern friends) would sometimes complain about how much work was demanded from them. I was thinking, "dude, do you want a job or not? Don't whine you crying baby. Oil&gas is not doing that well for you to pick and choose."
I got the job offer from the company. Full time position. Still very much related to my background & experience. And they would even sponsor my working visa right away.
Yes, me. The international student at the worst price of oil. It was like 0% chance of getting a job. It's crazy how life works, eh?
You would ask, why? Well, first off, this is not my country. Second, oil price was very low. Third, why would they hire me if they would end up needing to sponsor for my working visa? That sounds like a lot of work, indeed. That's why at that time PhD sounded like the only option for me if I wanted to stay here. Although now looking back I would cringe. Seriously, even Masters now I'm already exhausted. I just want to graduate and go back to make money again.
Sometimes I'm amazed about how God works in my life. I feel so lucky a lot of the times. Miracle suddenly happened the start of this year, when the manager of my consortium sent email to us (the students) about an internship opportunity. I of course was pumped to apply. And you know what? Almost nobody took a look at that opportunity. Because almost all of them have gotten internships somewhere else. They even kinda laughed at this one because they never heard of the company before, and it is also located at the worst place of California. I didn't care. I only wanted a job, no matter where it is. In the end it was only me and another PhD student that apply for this internship. We both got the interview, which I was really not sure that I did well. Apparently I did. They decided to give me the internship, and even better, the offer is a lot higher than other students in my consortium got. Crazyness.
I worked my ass of during the internship, while some other people (including my intern friends) would sometimes complain about how much work was demanded from them. I was thinking, "dude, do you want a job or not? Don't whine you crying baby. Oil&gas is not doing that well for you to pick and choose."
I got the job offer from the company. Full time position. Still very much related to my background & experience. And they would even sponsor my working visa right away.
Yes, me. The international student at the worst price of oil. It was like 0% chance of getting a job. It's crazy how life works, eh?
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Expired feelings
So my ex wished me happy bday last July 26th, after missing (again) for almost 2 years. Typical him, and I don't even care anymore. Silly thing is he wished me using the same template as he had been usung in the past. So much for a creativity, huh? Anyways, I only replied "thank you!" without asking him anything, LOL. Pretty badass of me, right? I mean, I was head over heels for him, but now, man, it has expired. And actually, I'm so glad about that, because he is just the worst. I don't even understand how a person can be so weird like that. So after I replied thank you, he didn't say anything anymore until yesterday, when he suddenly texted me again "are you still in CO?". So I replied and we were engaged in quite long conversation. Oddly for me, now, I really lost my feelings, so everything I said (or wrote) was just based on curiosity. No expectations, nothing. I asked if he had been with anybody, and he said no. Gosh, what a liar! LOL. I don't understand why he needs to lie all the time. I know what kind of man he is, there is no way he hasn't been with anybody else these past 4 years. But, well, who cares now?
On another note, same thing just happened with another ex (if you can call so) of mine. I called it quit because I realized how big of a jerk he has been. I was just too blind for a while. He recently insisted on meeting up with me in Jakarta which I refused over and over again. Annoying piece of crap *rolling eyes*.
In conclusion, it is funny how deliberating it is to finally have my feelings expired towards someone that had hurt me in the past. Knowing that they still try their best to get back to me (and perhaps hurting me again) is just making me so pissed. Afterall, who do they think they are?
On another note, same thing just happened with another ex (if you can call so) of mine. I called it quit because I realized how big of a jerk he has been. I was just too blind for a while. He recently insisted on meeting up with me in Jakarta which I refused over and over again. Annoying piece of crap *rolling eyes*.
In conclusion, it is funny how deliberating it is to finally have my feelings expired towards someone that had hurt me in the past. Knowing that they still try their best to get back to me (and perhaps hurting me again) is just making me so pissed. Afterall, who do they think they are?
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Why do I prefer living in the States
Recently I got asked this question by some people. I've never really listed the answers, I only knew I didn't want to go back to Indonesia unless no options at all for me. So now I will try to list it.
1. No one is too nosy about your life. You want to be gay, having kids without marriage, not married without kids, etc you name it. It will be much less judgmental community compared to Indonesia. Not that I want to be doing all less-morality things, but life is hard already without people thinking their opinions are needed in somebody else's life. We will all die eventually. Why don't you mind your own business?
2. Less dumb people. I know this sounds harsh, but true. Well, we know anyway that Indonesia is a developing country, while US is already developed. It feels like the US people understand everything a lot better. Common sense, etc. I'm struggling to deal with dummies, I'm impatient like that. I can't handle looking at people that can't wait in line (antri), can't handle people spending hours inside an ATM (dude, ATM is mainly for withdrawal, everything else you should do it online or at the bank!), can't handle people standing very close to the baggage carousel (seriously, what's the point), and many more! I know it is wise to educate others, but I just give up.
3. People got valued based on their merits. I already realized this when I was still in Jakarta and employed by American company. My bosses are typically open to value my work, etc. They also don't feel superior to anyone under them (another opposite thing to Indonesian bosses typically). But now when I live in the US, I feel that even more. When you're good, you will be successful. Generally nobody will consider your family background (politics) or your religions, gender, etc.
4. People are walking towards equality. The struggle I have when dating an Indonesian, is that they usually think that women are lower than men. OK maybe not all. But that's is the common thing. Which leads to them feeling intimidated when a girl is successful. For me that is dumb, and once again, I can't handle that. Meanwhile in the US, people can be anything they want. You want to be successful? Work hard and earn it. You're a woman? Good for you!
5. I feel more capable and independent. I know it is a lot of hassle that most people can't afford a helper here. Heck I would choose to have a helper any time! But also I feel that a lot of things here have taught me to be a lot more self-independent. I learned how to do things by myself, when it is needed.
6. Obvious things: more secured community, less polution and no traffic! This doesn't really require too detailed explanations, but I'll give example. I forgot my wallet 3 times (one in a supermarket, overnight, one in a public restroom, one in a restaurant) and I forgot my cellphone at a restaurant once. They always keep it for me. In Indonesia? You can only dream!
It doesn't mean that it is far perfect than Indonesia, of course. There are some small things that I like better in Indo. But it would surely be hard for me to miss those 6 things above if I had to come back.
1. No one is too nosy about your life. You want to be gay, having kids without marriage, not married without kids, etc you name it. It will be much less judgmental community compared to Indonesia. Not that I want to be doing all less-morality things, but life is hard already without people thinking their opinions are needed in somebody else's life. We will all die eventually. Why don't you mind your own business?
2. Less dumb people. I know this sounds harsh, but true. Well, we know anyway that Indonesia is a developing country, while US is already developed. It feels like the US people understand everything a lot better. Common sense, etc. I'm struggling to deal with dummies, I'm impatient like that. I can't handle looking at people that can't wait in line (antri), can't handle people spending hours inside an ATM (dude, ATM is mainly for withdrawal, everything else you should do it online or at the bank!), can't handle people standing very close to the baggage carousel (seriously, what's the point), and many more! I know it is wise to educate others, but I just give up.
3. People got valued based on their merits. I already realized this when I was still in Jakarta and employed by American company. My bosses are typically open to value my work, etc. They also don't feel superior to anyone under them (another opposite thing to Indonesian bosses typically). But now when I live in the US, I feel that even more. When you're good, you will be successful. Generally nobody will consider your family background (politics) or your religions, gender, etc.
4. People are walking towards equality. The struggle I have when dating an Indonesian, is that they usually think that women are lower than men. OK maybe not all. But that's is the common thing. Which leads to them feeling intimidated when a girl is successful. For me that is dumb, and once again, I can't handle that. Meanwhile in the US, people can be anything they want. You want to be successful? Work hard and earn it. You're a woman? Good for you!
5. I feel more capable and independent. I know it is a lot of hassle that most people can't afford a helper here. Heck I would choose to have a helper any time! But also I feel that a lot of things here have taught me to be a lot more self-independent. I learned how to do things by myself, when it is needed.
6. Obvious things: more secured community, less polution and no traffic! This doesn't really require too detailed explanations, but I'll give example. I forgot my wallet 3 times (one in a supermarket, overnight, one in a public restroom, one in a restaurant) and I forgot my cellphone at a restaurant once. They always keep it for me. In Indonesia? You can only dream!
It doesn't mean that it is far perfect than Indonesia, of course. There are some small things that I like better in Indo. But it would surely be hard for me to miss those 6 things above if I had to come back.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
People are weird
Last time I had this conversation with my roommate (yes, the one I hated. Surprise!) and another friend while we were hanging out in our apartment chugging beers. We were just talking shit about people in general, LOL yes we are that shallow, and the other friend said "I don't know man. People are weird."
Now I think about it and actually those words also would come out of my mind many times. Why are people weird? And "weird" itself means that it is unusual, uncommon, strange, odd. So if people are weird, or weirdos, then why are many weirdos in the world?
Frankly, if I think about my roommate as weird. I think she is weird because there will be times when she didn't talk to me AT ALL. Like she was pissed or something. She also will sometimes play her songs very loudly. Like, girl, we don't want to listen to your playlist.
What about me? I think many people actually think that I'm weird too sometimes. Because:
1. I am protective of myself, if I think some people don't really enjoy being my friends or hanging out with me, I'll just be quiet. Not giving any efforts on the friendship
2. I am a snob. When a friend is trying to hard to be friend with me (usually guys), I'll be somewhat closed off and ignored them most times. Cos they became annoying, and I found them, guess what... weird!
3. I am two-faced. Frankly, I hate most people in the world. Not like huge hatred or something. I am just annoyed by most people. People are annoying. When people are annoyed by me, I'm glad and I'll try to be more annoying to annoy them more. But also I can't be direct. So I will always show them my "nice" side.
I dunno. I guess, people are people. We are all somewhat weird. And we annoy each other.
Friday, July 28, 2017
A little bit less than 3 weeks..
until the end of the internship. Mixed feelings. Glad a little bit that I will get to escape from this hell city (Bako) LOL. Super hottttt.... And secondly, glad that I will get to leave my current roommate. Dude, this girl, really. She's not overly terrible, but I'm just not totally comfy with her.
1. She barely talks to me. I don't think she is interested to engage with me
2. She never has intention to share food with me (so I do the same)
3. She said she's so clean (when I told her that I'm pretty messy), yet I ALWAYS wash my dishes right away and she would let it in the sink for days! Craziness.
4. I just don't think I like her, period. I'm just being nice most times, making small talk.
Anyway a little bit about my 29th birthday which I thought would be miserable, turned out to be pretty great! It was so great that I don't think next year will beat the awesomeness.
Firstly my (ex) BF sent me flowers to my office, which was sooooooooo surprising. Like, he really is not the type of guy that will go over board (as far as I know). Or maybe I didn't know him that well, LOL. But how he even knew my office address???? If you google the company I'm working at the moment, you will find 1 main office's address (different building and address to mine). And in addition to that, there are probably 4 more other buildings within the company. Yet he sent it exactly to my office building!
It was so funny, my mentor (which was out of the state at that time) messaged me on the company messenger,
"hey there's flower for you at the lobby. It's not your bday is it"
"yes it is. Really? How do you know? I thought you're not at the office"
"I am not. I was just logging in remotely and one of the IT girls messaged me".
LOL so I went downstairs to the lobby and found the flower delivery woman. I was really thinking, "aww who is among my intern friends that is so nice to send this flower" >> cos who else would know my office address??
and when I had to sign the receipt, it says there, his name :)
I was shocked and just overwhelmingly happy. Sweetest baby ever.
Anyway. That already made me happy, and then my intern friends actually came to have a dinner & drink with me. We had nice time, they asked for the waiter if they have special cake for birthday girl (me) and they came singing happy birthday (with a really great lava cake). My friend also treated me for my dinner and drinks (3 glasses of moscow mule, lol). Which was so weird to me, considering in Indonesia if you have bday, you gotta treat all your friends. It is basically the opposite here (which made me anxious if nobody would show up). Long story short (sorry I'm writing this while being pretty sleepy already, hence the less elaborated sentences), I HAD A GREAT TIME.
Thanks God for this age!
Thanks for the money I eventually earned this summer.
Thanks for the best lover ever (who made me cry a river a lot of times too, but still the sweetest ever).
Thanks for great summer time with new great friends (excluding my roommate, every other people are really close to awesome).
I don't know what's next, just hope for the BEST! AMEN!
1. She barely talks to me. I don't think she is interested to engage with me
2. She never has intention to share food with me (so I do the same)
3. She said she's so clean (when I told her that I'm pretty messy), yet I ALWAYS wash my dishes right away and she would let it in the sink for days! Craziness.
4. I just don't think I like her, period. I'm just being nice most times, making small talk.
Anyway a little bit about my 29th birthday which I thought would be miserable, turned out to be pretty great! It was so great that I don't think next year will beat the awesomeness.
Firstly my (ex) BF sent me flowers to my office, which was sooooooooo surprising. Like, he really is not the type of guy that will go over board (as far as I know). Or maybe I didn't know him that well, LOL. But how he even knew my office address???? If you google the company I'm working at the moment, you will find 1 main office's address (different building and address to mine). And in addition to that, there are probably 4 more other buildings within the company. Yet he sent it exactly to my office building!
It was so funny, my mentor (which was out of the state at that time) messaged me on the company messenger,
"hey there's flower for you at the lobby. It's not your bday is it"
"yes it is. Really? How do you know? I thought you're not at the office"
"I am not. I was just logging in remotely and one of the IT girls messaged me".
LOL so I went downstairs to the lobby and found the flower delivery woman. I was really thinking, "aww who is among my intern friends that is so nice to send this flower" >> cos who else would know my office address??
and when I had to sign the receipt, it says there, his name :)
I was shocked and just overwhelmingly happy. Sweetest baby ever.
Anyway. That already made me happy, and then my intern friends actually came to have a dinner & drink with me. We had nice time, they asked for the waiter if they have special cake for birthday girl (me) and they came singing happy birthday (with a really great lava cake). My friend also treated me for my dinner and drinks (3 glasses of moscow mule, lol). Which was so weird to me, considering in Indonesia if you have bday, you gotta treat all your friends. It is basically the opposite here (which made me anxious if nobody would show up). Long story short (sorry I'm writing this while being pretty sleepy already, hence the less elaborated sentences), I HAD A GREAT TIME.
Thanks God for this age!
Thanks for the money I eventually earned this summer.
Thanks for the best lover ever (who made me cry a river a lot of times too, but still the sweetest ever).
Thanks for great summer time with new great friends (excluding my roommate, every other people are really close to awesome).
I don't know what's next, just hope for the BEST! AMEN!
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
So we met again
everything was suddenly perfect again, like nothing ever happened. And in the middle of those excitement, I cried.
"Sorry, I'm just missing you.."
He was again so sweet to me, like he has always been. He asked me at one point, "baby, what is it about me (that makes you love me so much)?"
Me: "I don't know...."
"Sorry, I'm just missing you.."
He was again so sweet to me, like he has always been. He asked me at one point, "baby, what is it about me (that makes you love me so much)?"
Me: "I don't know...."
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