The year of 2021 was probably the most challenging time of my life so far. To be totally frank about it, the guy I was seeing broke up with me in the beginning of 2021 before Valentine's Day when we were supposed to go for a Valentine's movie night, I lost my job almost right after (after about 1 year or more of constant fear of getting laid off), almost lost the chance of getting my green card (which was already half way in the process), had to fully support my family's finance back in Indo (actually until now). The thing is, most people didn't know how fucking hard that really was. Yes I'm still so thankful that the company I worked for had given us so much money for the prior 2 years working there - that I was able to save so much and hence why I could survive without 0 income for almost a year. Can you imagine? No income, still paid all my bills (rent, car, and family's bills in Indo), and literally no way to earn any income or find a job because my green card was still not approved (and even almost got totally cancelled). I was in the deepest mourn of my life and the thought of going back to Indo just felt like a total disaster.
Everyone including my mom was like, it's okay if you have to go back. It's not the end of the world. Well guess what, it would be the end of mine- personally speaking. I had been living in the US for 6 years at that point and even if I want to go back to Indo - I'd want it to be my decision, not something I was pushed to do. And living with my family again? God. I love them but no. I. just. can't. imagine. any of it.
I was praying so hard, cried a lot (almost everyday), begged for jobs. Even had this offer from a geothermal company in Indo who offered me an admin job (?) lol for about $350/mo, and they said you could start from here and eventually find a way to move up as the geoscientist you are. Begged for jobs to people who I thought were my "connections" but no one could help me. I was so depressed that I finally decided to work as a volunteer at a food bank just to feel useful for once. Imagine all the fancy titles and projects I used to do and now all I did was asking homeless people for their names and handed out food for them. It was a very humbling experience. Not to mention that some people who worked in the food bank was quite an asshole to me. But anyways... it WAS an experience.
At that time - it felt like an eternity. It's like you walk in a dark tunnel with no hints of lights. I was thinking of the worst. Moving back to Indo, drain all of my savings, will never know when I can go back to the US again and totally losing hope of getting that permanent residency. Even if it still could happen, I'd need to start the whole process all over again (getting sponsored for YEARS and so so limited in everything), or getting married to a citizen lol (not that easy, trust me).
Suddenly (but mostly gradually), things started to happen. Again, not easy. I lived in constant fear, anxiety, uncertainty. Had to schedule multiple sessions with my immigration attorney which cost me $350 for a 30min Zoom call. Finally saw some lights about my green card. Had to spend another $10K or more for the final process of it. Still no certainties. Just a step forward towards "something". Nine fucking months, man. Until I finally got confirmation of green card approval. Even the attorney said it would've been a miracle, my chance was sooooo small. God's willing. And then I could apply for unemployment (to help paying for my bills a little bit), could apply for jobs again and finally got interviews. You know, applying for jobs without a citizenship or permanent residency was almost impossible - especially during the downturn. I mean, you could apply - but no they won't hire you or even interview you.
And finally in February of 2022 - got my current job and moved to a much better city.
Found a new boyfriend.
Found an amazing community.
Feel alive for once again.
It's still not all rainbows and butterflies, but hey..
I need to write all this to remind myself. You were there. You experienced that. Look at where you are now. Be grateful! Seriously.
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