I'm a Hybrid

I just realized I have always been one. Mulai dari kehidupan sekolah, kuliah, sampai sekarang kerja. It's not that it's something special, though somehow sometimes I'm kinda proud of it. At least I consider myself more open-minded. Though inside still judgmental yah... Yak yuk :p

Mulai dari background gw yang terlahir campuran. Bukan, bukan setengah bule kok ;p *ngarep itu sik*
I'm half Chinese from my dad and Manadonese from my mom. Dari kecil gw udah sekolah di sekolah katolik, yang mana mayoritas ya isinya anak-anak keturunan Cina, yang mana pada rasis juga. Tapi gw selalu berusaha blended in, gamau jadi objek rasisme itu. Kalo bisa ya jadi subjeknya, hahaha... Kasi bocoran aja ya.. Kalau di sekolah yang mayoritas isinya anak-anak Cina itu, kita pada suka rasis sama yang bukan Cina. We called them (the non-Chinese ones), Wana. Artinya kalau ngga salah sih, pribumi. Disingkat jadi 1A (one-a). Jadi kalau mau ngomongin di belakang, semacam seperti "dia kan 1A... iya ya...blabla..."
Oke jadi gw udah ngaku dosa soal hal itu ya.. Hehehe...

Lulus SMA gw masuk perguruan tinggi negri, yang udah diwanti-wanti sama bokap supaya gw ngga kaget nantinya sama lingkungan yang berbeda. Overall di sekolah negri ya lebih general komunitasnya. Dari yang ga punya sampe yang kaya banget juga ada. Dari yang alim banget sampe nakal banget ada. Dan pastinya yang namanya keturunan Chinese itu malah minoritas instead of mayoritas. Oh iya satu lagi, udah mah gw minoritas, agama gw juga minoritas. Nah! Ini yang beda banget sih. Kalo di jaman sekolah yang pada puasa harus nontonin yang ngga puasa pada makan, kalo pas kuliah yang ngga puasa harus sembunyi2 makannya. Kalau sebelumnya gw ngerasa sebagai kalangan mayoritas, di saat kuliah gw berasa minoritas banget. Ngga jarang temen-temen ada yang becanda ngomong "udah deh Shel, gw ajarin syahadat sekarang aja ya :D". Belum lagi ketemu dengan beberapa yang termasuk kalangan fanatik sempit. Gw langsung mikir, oh.. gini ya rasanya kalo jadi minoritas di sekolah gw yang sebelumnya. Which is still OK.

Talking about blended in, selama kuliah gw jadi merasa part of the "pribumi community" ini. Kalo sebelumnya ngeledekin "1A" di belakang, sekarang ikutan anak-anak becandain yang matanya sipit-sipit. Hehehehe... *peace ah*
Ada untungnya juga lahir "campuran", jadi kalo pada ngeledekin "lah lo pan Cina juga", jawabnya "gw Manado kali.."

Sekarang udah mulai kerja, I live in a two-sides of the world again. Apalagi namanya tinggal di Jakarta, yang ternyata, wow, wow aja deh pokonya. If you have the chance to reaalllyy live in this Jakarta, live the life, it's kinda awesome. Just be careful not to get dragged too deep into it.

I have colleagues friends who are soo so well behaved type of people. Need to be careful when talk to them about things cos they might judge you. Tipikal orang-orang yang married early 20s, have kids, have job, have their own house, etc.

Also I have "hanging out" friends who are so "party animals" kind of people. Some of them are so liberal that makes you think they are the "Sex in the City" type of people in the real world. But it doesn't mean I have to be like them. I'm just, I repeat, more open-minded. Life have to be balance at some point or you will end up craving for other's lives (and try to cover it up by judging them).

On the other side I have a family who are more into religious type of people. LOL. Diversity huh?

As the summary, office friends make me thinking more about my future, party friends make me loosen up more and enjoying my life, and family keeps me down to earth and still remember about my Creator.

Oh I almost forgot about my childhood bestfriends who will always be there for me. They are not too conservative or liberal. They are just as open minded as me. More to the "anak baik baik" side though. The only thing I know about them is, when life gets harder than I thought, it is to them I will eventually talk.

Afterall life is beautiful. You just need to live it to the fullest and keep being grateful about it :)

Having Kids

I may look like I'm nganggur cos I keep posting things this morning. No, I'm not (defensif sendiri), it's just my work has been done. Halah..

Anyway postingan kali ini adalah suatu pikiran random yang datang tiba-tiba sekitar sehari dua hari lalu. About having kids. Now we all know most people in the world (normal ones) would want to have kids, sooner or later. I know a lady in my last trip, she's 39, and one time she asked her bf (at that time) to have a kid. Kasarannya, minta dibuahi. Waktu dia cerita ke saya, saya agak kaget ya. I mean, she's Indonesian, so it's not really common for you to ask someone to knock you up, without getting married. But I understand, she's nearly 40, and probably she didn't really think bout that anymore. Mungkin pikirannya, now or never. Dan selama gw masih mungkin punya anak, why not?

Which leads me to another thought. Kenapa sih orang segitu pengennya punya anak?
Kalo lo tanya gw, jawabannya:
1. Kids are cute and adorable, and I want one! at least
2. People want to learn or start having a big responsibility at one time of his/her life. And having kids is a huuggee responsibility indeed
3. Basic reason: pengen keturunan, pengen ada yang nerusin usaha dia atau apapun yang sudah dia dapatkan selama ini
4. You are in love with someone, and just want to have something that YOU and HIM/HER make together. Not only make together, you make it with love, and they will just look exactly the combination of you two. Can it be more cute than that? Not to mention you will raise em together, which most likely they will behave like you two.
5. While people say that romantic relationship or marriage can end at some point, your parents-kids relationship wouldn't. Ever. That's being said, once you have kids, you have them for the rest of your life. And isn't it good to have something/someone to love you unconditionally forever?

Daann... mungkin masih banyak alasan lainnya. Tapi, one thing bothered me. I can't find one single reason, I repeat, one single reason, that is not your personal needs. Do you get it? I mean, someone wants to have kids, for their own personal ego. Ngga mungkin kan orang pengen punya anak karna, let's say, they know their kids will be happy to be born. They wanted to be born. They grow up and say "thanks for letting me be part of the world". Nah, that's not gonna happen. Cause what? People are just born and HAVE TO DEAL with it. You were born and BOOM! Deal with it! Life is not easy at all. It may be fun at times, but, it's just not easy.

So when we realized that having kids are our personal ego, what should we do? I'd say do your best to prepare em for the world. And you won't be around em for too long. You were the one responsible for their existence in this world, which probably it's not their preference.

Huah,
dalem ya? Mayan lah ya. I don't even know why suddenly I thought bout it. Just my two cents ;)

I wanna miss u,

like I miss my coffee in the morning
Coffee Latte with vanilla syrup
which I miss before my bedtime comes
when I start thinking
"I will get to taste you tomorrow"
yes, tomorrow in the very early morning
imagining your warmth and bittersweetness
and I know
I know for sure
you will be right there for me

***

2013-2014

If I have to mark 2013 as "something", I'll mark it as year of BOYS and adventure. Oh and one more. Year where I start to experience the so called "quarter-life-crisis"

I was involved with 3 guys who all gave me pretty heartbreak. Well the first one gave the biggest one. Without explanation whatsoever. Yep. Until now. Gila ya dipikir2? Tapi ya sudahlah.
Second one was my rebound. But ended up leaving me. Cause he didn't want to date a girl who (at that time) still in a relationship (walopun gajelas statusnya) dan masih ngarepin si cowo eta (yaeyalah scara gw cinta mati sama yang pertama). But know what? I ended up being a really good friends with this second guy. Cause we were somehow together for a while (really brief actually. 2 weeks. lol), so he knows me so well. He advises me things like a big brother. Protective and caring. He was the one warned me when I was close with the third one. I didn't listen. And turned out he was RIGHT 100%. So now I told him "I would listen to u after this since you were so right".
Third one was not a rebound anymore. But I really liked him. I was actually in Lala Land (as always), he was too. But he realized earlier than me, which leaving me hurt. And felt betrayed. Tho I know he didn't mean it. He is just a guy. Who is not for me. Period.

So that's about guys in 2013. Which is pretty funny actually, cause before that I was single (still dating but nothing meaningful) for +-3years, and the reason I was back on the track was because I wanted to feel the roller-coaster feeling again. Arghhh... Now enough with that! LOL. Ampondije pokoknya...

Adventure: note few holiday romance. Bali twice with different stories. Jakarta nightlife. Met new people. NZ and OZ for the very first time. Skydive (bucket list item) experience. Another holiday romance (supposedly) which turned to be a solo travelling on year end. Not so impressive in working-life wise, which I'm going to fix in 2014. Amen. Wish me luck! :)

(another) story of broken heart

yea I know...
same old story. LOL.

It's kinda good though, now I can tell that I'm one step closer to the right one. Probably?

Good thing also that it didn't go for too long to cause a severe brokenheart. I was just upset, a bit. Not much.
I don't hate him. I was just disappointed. Afterall there's a lesson learn from all of the guys I was involved to.
Don't give in. Don't buy every words he said. Take a note! With Bold Letters!

I'm not really in the mood to tell the whole story. But the primary excuses were:
Can't do LDR (of course. who can? well I can. not them)
So many differences (mostly discovered while we see each other in person)
There's another girl (sucks huh? well not everything goes as what you want. Welcome to LIFE)

It's OK though.

Keep having the faith.

Meanwhile, let's focus on career!

Live the present, cherish the moment

I read a book, a good one. One of the passage told things like this (basically),

I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living now.

I love that part. Somehow it reminds me of myself. The time when I'm sad cause I miss the past. The time when I'm anxious about the future. I wrote it several times here (or maybe somewhere else) that I'm afraid when I'm happy. Cause nothing really lasts forever. But why would I be afraid? This is life. And no matter how we like or don't like it, we still have to live it.

So yea, one thing I should remember from now on is, live the present - and cherish the moment. What if it somehow finished or changed into something bad? I don't care. F it. Don't ever regret something in the past. That is what turning you into someone you are right now. Future? Don't ever let your anxiety stop you from what you want to achieve.

No matter how sad I was, how disappointed, I thank you - you - and you. Thanks :)

Self respect

I deleted every photos, emails from him. And today I found out in my folder, I still had my conversation history with him on my Microsoft Lync.

I read that through.

I found something.

Man.. Did I have any respect to my ownself? LOL. Every topic we talked about was about him and him and him. What a selfish b*stard. :p
Clearly nothing about me that he found interesting to discuss. What did I really think at that time?
I thought, well he was the one who has so many problems. Messed up. While I was okay. So I should be more thoughtful. Be a perfect gf. It's not about me. It's about him. ETC... ETC...

I was dumb, and blind, clearly. I never gave any respect to my ownself. How did I expect someone's respect towards me if I didn't even respect myself?

Recently I chatted a lot with my "new guy". LOL. So far everything's going well. Yea of course, it's new. I'm still a bit pessimistic. But well.. we should do what make us happy :) And if that (old) one doesn't make me happy, there are still others who are willingly to do so :)