The most hurtful feeling

is when you think you have something, only to realize it slipped away from you, completely. You lose it.

You were very close, it felt real.

One day you think, did that even happen? Was I dreaming?

And you wish, you really wish, it was just a dream.

But it wasn't.

That's what makes it even more hurtful.

And you start to blame the One who allowing all of this happen in your life.

"Why you even allowed me to take a sip of it before? To know it? To be happy about it? If in the end you will allow it to go away from me? Is this some kind of joke? A troll? Because it is not funny at all, it is turning me into someone totally different from before. The broken version of me"

Sifat Dasar Manusia

1. Ga puas
Selalu ngeliat ke atas, ngeliat ke samping, ngeliat ke rumput tetangga, kok lebih rapi ya motongnya, lebih lebat ya, ga gundul2, ijo lagi

2. Pengen yang dia ga bisa dapetin
Makin ga mungkin, makin susah, makin dah doi pengen, biar dikate dilarang semua oknum masyarakat, makiin semangaattt

3. Pengen yang dipengenin orang
Masi nyambung ama 2 di atas sih. Mmm.. lo suka barang itu? Lo suka cewe itu? OK gw bakal dapetin itu semua, buet GUEH

4. Kalo lo yang buat/ngelakuin, gaboleh. Kalo gue, gapapah
Kesel disakitin, nyumpahin. Berdoa di lubuk hati yg paling dalem, tu orang pasti bakal dapet karmanya. Gue yakin, tenang ajah. Tapi giliran gue yang nyakitin orang, gue yang imoral, mm... gue juga manusia kan ya? Tuhan bakal ngerti kok.
Nasehatin temen gara-gara dia mo ngelakuin hal bodoh. Kadang ga abis pikir, kok ya temen gue segitu begonya ya? Gue aja yang ngeliat udah tau jelas gitu, musti ngapain. Hadeuh. Giliran gue? Hah! Mo dinasehatin dr A-Z, tetepppp aja dilakuiiinn... Mulai dari dinasehatin orang, ampe nasehatin diri sendiri, gak mempan!

Gw ga ngerti lagi ama manusia, maunya apa sih :\

*trus lo apaan shel?

Pistachio

Jadi cewe itu kudu kayak pistachio

Harganya emang mahal

Makannya butuh usaha dikit buat ngupas-ngupas kulitnya

Tapi worth it men..

Rasanya emang enak

Makanya walopun dibanding kacang laen dia jauh lebih mahal

Yang beli juga emang ngehargain kualitasnya

*racau di siang hari

Never seem to learn

Ever heard the saying "jangan pernah jatuh ke lubang yang sama dua kali"?
Or in translation: dont ever fall into same hole twice.

I bet u did.

So did I.

But I never seem to understand.

It's always, ALWAYS began with "it's ok, I will be OK. This is just for fun" and ended up making me miserable.
LOL.

Yea right "Just for fun". The next things that's going to happen is you realizing it will be all about this thing stuck in your head

And ruining all.

Ah,
afterall.. it looks like I've learnt zero. Go ahead, hurt urself again.

Open Vacancy: Cool friends

Seiring bertambah umurnya gw, gw jadi makin sadar kalo yang namanya temen itu susah dicari men.
Well of course kalo dibandingin pas jaman sekolah, lingkungan pergaulan gw sekarang jauh lebih luas. Ketemu lebih banyak orang, lebih beragam, entah beragam etnis/suku/warga negara/kulturnya, juga kalo dari umur lebih beragam banget lagi.
Kalo dulu-dulu terpatok gaulnya sama yang sepantaran banget (sama umur), kadang gaul sama yang lebih tua atau muda setaun dua taun aja udah keknya gimana banget. Nah sekarang? Gw temenan sama yang umurnya 30an lah, 40an, 50 juga ada, udah kayak ga ada gapnya aja "-__-

Dari segi pengalaman hidup dan pemikiran, selera musik udah cukup jauh beda, tapi ya... Isn't that what boarden our thoughts bout life? *caelah

Eniwei, recently I was thinking to take a diving license. Sebenernya udah dari lama sih pengen ngambilnya, tapi selalu ditunda-tunda. Nah, gw orangnya sangat ga suka travelling sendirian. Gw cengok aja gituh. At least gw harus sama temen gw 1 lagi lah. Nah waktu gw lagi mo nyari temen ini nih, gw langsung inget dan sadar betapa di saat sekarang ini gw semakin susah nyari temen buat ngelakuin hobby yang sama.

Setiap kali gw travelling, ada beberapa kriteria untuk travelling buddy yang bakal gw ajakin (dan mau gw ajakin) supaya nantinya gw have fun instead of malah bete. Cos well I did travel with people who I didn't enjoy to travel with.
Kriteria itu antara lain:
- We all love travelling, hence we won't be hesitate to spend money for this trip
- Walopun kita ngga ragu untuk spend money, tapi gw ga suka juga kalo my travelling buddy have different standard of this travelling. I meant, jangan terlalu pelit tapi jangan juga terlalu foya-foya. Gw gasuka spend money untuk hal-hal yang sebenernya ga krusial2 amat. Misalnya, sebenernya bisa stay d tempat yang murah dikit (tapi masih bagus dan nyaman) tapi malah milih yang mahal dan ngeluh mulu kalo ga sesuai standardnya.
- We love adventures. Nah gw juga bete nih kalo liburan gw udah mikir mau ngelakuin A-Z, eh deskeu malah pengennya leha-leha aja. Apalagi kalo sebenernya ada banyaak yang bisa kita lakuin di tempat itu. Hadeuh
- We kinda love the same thing. Or at least, have the same interests.
- Single, or at least, taken but not always with their lover. I don't against a couple. But well this is just my preference. Gw pengen liburan sama temen, not being a thirdwheel for the entire journey. And I just found it annoying when I asked my friend and she will be like "tapi ntar gw ngajak si A gpp ?" Hmmmm.... maybe u two should go for honeymoon instead of going on a trip with me
- Fun. Dari trip-trip yang gw pernah alamin sama temen-temen, ada bbrp yang gw have fuunnn banget. Most of it becos of the place. But u know what, I think the companies were the one gave the biggest impact. Trip yang isinya kita haha hihi mulu udah kayak orgil di negri orang. Ahh.. I miss those times

Eniwe again, I just found it hard to find more and more buddies like that. Tho I'm still lucky cos I will still find some. Just not a lot. Kadang lo deket sama some people, thinking you are buddies, only to find that he/she just taking u for granted. See? So, well when u find any friends that suit u too damn well, remember that they r really really precious :)

Ampir 2 bulan

Ngga nulis di blog ini. Udah cukup mayan banyak sih yang terjadi selama itu *tsaelah....

Tapi gini nih, kalo mo nulis soal apdet kehidupan tanpa adanya topik tertentu, slalu jadi bingung mo nulis apah.

Tapi bole deh, kali ini saya mau ngomongin soal keadaan sekitar saya aja yah.

Sudah kurang lebih 3taunan saya kerja dan tinggal di kota besar bernama Jakarta ini, dan makin hari makin saya elus dada (gaya bets) sama nilai-nilai manusia di dalemnya. Which makes me berkerut kening, tapi juga ya mudah-mudahaannnn yaaa ngga keseret2 banget.

Sebenernya yang namanya pergaulan bebas itu ya udh ada banget dari jaman entah kapan ya. Mau di Jakarta kek, mau di Bandung kek, mau di kota manapun (Duri sekalipun!) itu juga ya kalo manusia akhlaknya udah minus ya minus aja. Itu yang saya pahami. Tapii... di Jakarta ini yang namanya item putih itu udah ngga jelas lagi. Kalo ada kurva distribusi normal, most part of it falls in the grey area. Lo bisa bilang itu salah, bisa bilang bener, bisa 50-50, bisa "depends", dst..

Pasti, pasti ada alesan seseorang untuk bilang kalau tindakannnya itu "cukup" bener. Pembenaran lah bahasa lainnya.

Yang namanya marriage itu udah ilang nilai sakralnya (ya ngga smua sih, I'm just saying from what I've seen lately). Selingkuh, selingkuh pake hati, selingkuh fisik doank, temenan tapi mesra, udah kayak umum banget, semua nya pada sama-sama tutup mata. Lingkungannya tau, notice, ini mereka sama-sama punya spouse, atau salah satunya lah udah punya spouse - satunya single, dua-duaan, peluk-pelukan, (mungkin) ciuman dst di belakang, udah sama-sama "cukup tau" aja. No judgment (kecuali dari orang di luar circle itu tentunya), just purely having fun.

One of em told me something like this, "gw ngga selingkuh Shel.. gw ga pacaran,, gw ga nyari cinta. Cinta gw udah dapet dari bini gw. I'm attracted to someone, yes. But that's all. Purely physical, no more"

Another one told me more, "selama dia menjadi keluarga yang baik saat dia d rumah, kenapa ngga? Once he's at home, he's completely dedicated to them. 100%. Those flings kind of thing just for refreshment. Nothing more"

Gimana lo ngga jadi abu-abu sih nanggepinnya?

Kembali lagi kata gw, itu tergantung value masing-masing orang sih. Which you should have known, or at least have a sip of sign, what kind of person he/she was when you started knowing em.
Well it's not guaranteed since people change. By their community, their situation, problems, etc.

Gw tau sih gw nulis gini sebenernya gw ngga punya kesimpulan yang berarti juga :D

Kalo kata seseorang di masa lalu *ceilah*, "don't be stressed out too much bout life. afterall, it's just a life"

Take it easy, let it go, learn from it, move on, and don't fall into the same hole :)

I'm a Hybrid

I just realized I have always been one. Mulai dari kehidupan sekolah, kuliah, sampai sekarang kerja. It's not that it's something special, though somehow sometimes I'm kinda proud of it. At least I consider myself more open-minded. Though inside still judgmental yah... Yak yuk :p

Mulai dari background gw yang terlahir campuran. Bukan, bukan setengah bule kok ;p *ngarep itu sik*
I'm half Chinese from my dad and Manadonese from my mom. Dari kecil gw udah sekolah di sekolah katolik, yang mana mayoritas ya isinya anak-anak keturunan Cina, yang mana pada rasis juga. Tapi gw selalu berusaha blended in, gamau jadi objek rasisme itu. Kalo bisa ya jadi subjeknya, hahaha... Kasi bocoran aja ya.. Kalau di sekolah yang mayoritas isinya anak-anak Cina itu, kita pada suka rasis sama yang bukan Cina. We called them (the non-Chinese ones), Wana. Artinya kalau ngga salah sih, pribumi. Disingkat jadi 1A (one-a). Jadi kalau mau ngomongin di belakang, semacam seperti "dia kan 1A... iya ya...blabla..."
Oke jadi gw udah ngaku dosa soal hal itu ya.. Hehehe...

Lulus SMA gw masuk perguruan tinggi negri, yang udah diwanti-wanti sama bokap supaya gw ngga kaget nantinya sama lingkungan yang berbeda. Overall di sekolah negri ya lebih general komunitasnya. Dari yang ga punya sampe yang kaya banget juga ada. Dari yang alim banget sampe nakal banget ada. Dan pastinya yang namanya keturunan Chinese itu malah minoritas instead of mayoritas. Oh iya satu lagi, udah mah gw minoritas, agama gw juga minoritas. Nah! Ini yang beda banget sih. Kalo di jaman sekolah yang pada puasa harus nontonin yang ngga puasa pada makan, kalo pas kuliah yang ngga puasa harus sembunyi2 makannya. Kalau sebelumnya gw ngerasa sebagai kalangan mayoritas, di saat kuliah gw berasa minoritas banget. Ngga jarang temen-temen ada yang becanda ngomong "udah deh Shel, gw ajarin syahadat sekarang aja ya :D". Belum lagi ketemu dengan beberapa yang termasuk kalangan fanatik sempit. Gw langsung mikir, oh.. gini ya rasanya kalo jadi minoritas di sekolah gw yang sebelumnya. Which is still OK.

Talking about blended in, selama kuliah gw jadi merasa part of the "pribumi community" ini. Kalo sebelumnya ngeledekin "1A" di belakang, sekarang ikutan anak-anak becandain yang matanya sipit-sipit. Hehehehe... *peace ah*
Ada untungnya juga lahir "campuran", jadi kalo pada ngeledekin "lah lo pan Cina juga", jawabnya "gw Manado kali.."

Sekarang udah mulai kerja, I live in a two-sides of the world again. Apalagi namanya tinggal di Jakarta, yang ternyata, wow, wow aja deh pokonya. If you have the chance to reaalllyy live in this Jakarta, live the life, it's kinda awesome. Just be careful not to get dragged too deep into it.

I have colleagues friends who are soo so well behaved type of people. Need to be careful when talk to them about things cos they might judge you. Tipikal orang-orang yang married early 20s, have kids, have job, have their own house, etc.

Also I have "hanging out" friends who are so "party animals" kind of people. Some of them are so liberal that makes you think they are the "Sex in the City" type of people in the real world. But it doesn't mean I have to be like them. I'm just, I repeat, more open-minded. Life have to be balance at some point or you will end up craving for other's lives (and try to cover it up by judging them).

On the other side I have a family who are more into religious type of people. LOL. Diversity huh?

As the summary, office friends make me thinking more about my future, party friends make me loosen up more and enjoying my life, and family keeps me down to earth and still remember about my Creator.

Oh I almost forgot about my childhood bestfriends who will always be there for me. They are not too conservative or liberal. They are just as open minded as me. More to the "anak baik baik" side though. The only thing I know about them is, when life gets harder than I thought, it is to them I will eventually talk.

Afterall life is beautiful. You just need to live it to the fullest and keep being grateful about it :)