I am not prepared

to a failure.

Nope.

Not.

Just not.

And here I am now waiting, whether I will be succeeded on this one thing or not. Cause if not, I just don't have the picture, of what my life would look like in the future.

OK probably that sounds a bit exaggerated.

But the thing is, I want this sooo so bad that all I can think of is, that's the only thing I would be chasing at this moment. If I failed? Well.. I would probably just continue my life like I'm doing now, which I don't really want to do anymore. At this moment at least.

I wanna escape. From several things. And continue a whole new life out there. That's all.

You know, I've been thinking lately, that probably (or surely?) some things that we cannot have (which we know already that it's bad for us), are not meant for us. It was meant to be someone else's, cause God saved us from it. Saved us from this bad bad things. While in the future we will look back and say, I know why I couldn't have that at that time.

So, yea.

Aside from that thought, here I'm just waiting and waiting....

the Job

I know sometimes I would say things like, "oh why it's Monday already?" "why the holiday is over?" "I want holidaaaayyy"
etc

But actually, this job is what keeps me alive. Like, literally. I could buy what I want to buy or need to buy, because of this.
I could distract myself from my personal problem, because of this.
I could do something, mean something, all because of this job.

I honestly don't know what would I do or end up doing if I didn't have this job.

Recently many people got laid off from their jobs because of the oil and gas crisis. Me and other friends might feel terrible bout it, feel sorry for them, etc. But we actually didn't really know how they feel exactly. If it were me, oh God.. I just couldn't imagine it.

So, thanks God for still letting me do my job, have this job, go to work everyday. not lacking of anything. Could save some for my life, I know sometimes I just forgot how to be grateful in a proper way. All I usually think of is how miserable some other part of my life. But seriously, what could I ask for more?

:)

I just found

a blog that I really like..

This is the type of writing that I enjoy reading, apparently..

www.markmanson.net

Homesick

I haven't even been away yet I already feel that I'm going to be homesick.

LOL

Nah but truly, now I kinda feel mellow somehow.

I like this environment..
I enjoy being with this people
I love my routine

and that even makes me more sad

Cause I don't want to grow old still doing the same stuffs over and over again.

I just don't.

Then what do you really want, seriously?

Let's be patient for a month

I have always struggled with being patient. Always.
And now I have to wait for a whole month (thank God, February has the least days of all other months)

While finger crossed and mouth munching

The Risk

Everything happens in your life, has a risk. Or risks.
And we do know it, tho we tend to be ignorant about it.
Cause somehow in your mind you keep thinking , "that's not gonna happen to me".
You might also think, "oh well that is possible. Just not now. I guess today is my lucky day, just like the other days before"

Do you ever think, that, people who driving while their drunk, or high on something, don't know the risk that fatal accident might happen? That they might kill theirself or even others?

Or how bout woman who get pregnant accidentally because she had unprotected sex? Or guy who get someone pregnant because he was being ignorant enough and had unprotected sex?

And when that happens we will comment something like "how stupid those guys can be"

But you know what? That is human. They (or us) can be soooo much stupid at times that we ourselves wouldn't understand why we did some things.

Most of us would also think that the thing would never happen to us, cause we're (let's say), smarter than those jackasses.

No.
That's not particularly true. In fact, we're fragile. Too fragile. It can happen to anyone anytime anywhere.

You just have to have people around you who keeping you sane from time to time

Possibilities

Life is a bunch of possibilities that will lead you to another shape of the future. You wouldn't know which will eventually happen to your life. You have options, preferences, and you have Him who will decide which one is best for you.

I'm in the middle of those significant possibilities, soon.

I'm not sure at all of what my life is going to be in, umm, 4-5 months from now. Options are between: going to Balikpapan, stay here in Jakarta, or go to school again.
If you ask me, my preference would be the third option, no doubt bout that. But what if I didn't get admitted to the school?

To be honest, I don't want to go to Balikpapan. And my bosses here want to make me stay in Jakarta.

Then why are you going there?

I know, right. Silly me. LOL. I wanted to go there previously cos I thought I would learn something else, totally different from what I've been doing here. Get more experience, more exposure. So that's what happened. I got caught up in the middle of options which I didn't know for sure either, which one is the best for me. This person told me to go to here, this person told me to stay.

The thought of leaving Jakarta is quite painful. So many people here whom I care about. So many activities that I know I'd miss when I moved out from here.

But then, you can't always be in your comfort zone.

You know what is the real problem here? My idealism.

Anyways,
hopefully whatever happens, it will be what's best for me. The industry is not going any better soon either. Just be thankful I still have the job at the moment :)

Hallelujah!