Self-control (again)

You must have heard something like, "the only one you can control is yourself". Well... aren't you doomed if you can't even control yourself, let alone controlling someone else?

I always, ALWAYS, have problems with it and never seem to learn. I always feel like I'm always jeopardizing things. I'm probably at the lowest point of my life right now and don't exactly know what to do to make it right.

Why does it have to be so hard..?

When you tried to be cool and almost exploded and he sent this....

gajadi marah (for a while~~~)

Stay

Apparently I can stay longer on my Masters, cause I still have one year funding from an International Fellowship. I didn't even apply for it. My professor did it for me and I only knew it once I got it. Isn't that awesome? Like he did it for me. Anyway... let's cross the fingers and hope for the best. Once one door is closed, another one opened, so.... I believe there must be better things awaiting.

On the side note, I've been trying to manage my emotion and ultimately my patience. Bae has been super busy lately and I probably have been cranky for the past month.
So the cycle is probably like this:
Bae is busy > me mad and get naggy > he calmed me down > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy again > me mad and get naggy > he is no longer patient plus annoyed by my forever naggyness > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy > me mad.... AND IT GOES ON AND ON

I'm getting pretty tired about it but also I don't really know what to do.. I mean at this point it's pretty pointless to even threatening to break up cos obviously it would even be much worse for me when I broke up with anyone I dearly love. So maybe...maybe, I'll just keep my shit together, try to be silent for a while. He told me several times just to be patient at least until he finished his 3rd movie (supposedly happening last November, but then of course now is March, and he said the plan now is to shoot it in June). So yea.... that's probably for the best. Keep silent. Cos if I keep on doing whatever I've been doing (nagging, and super mellow-dramatic), it will end sooner or later and it will be even more devastating for me.

At least I don't want to do that until I get settled, you know. Like in terms of degree and anything else. And afterall, you can't really control anyone else but yourself.

TRUE DAT

Oh and to even add one more reason why I shouldn't do whatever I thought is "good" to do when I was mad, I always ended up crying for hours that make me can't function on the next day.

So,,,, Sheila,.... be smart!

You can't always get what you want

So today I was told by my professor that I wouldn't get the PhD opportunity. I was stunned, grinned awkwardly, and his face showed a lot of "I'm so sorry" look. He said, "I'm sorry but I think that's not gonna happen". Now, I know it can't be any close to compare, but somehow I was thinking, "man maybe this is kinda how it feels like when you thought you were gonna live for decades more and suddenly your doctor said,"you only have couple of months left. One year top."

OK that shouldn't be any close to compare to my situation, but I'm just so surprised. I was so prepared to stay here for a couple more years, but now it seems like only a couple more months left. A part of me was relieved, realizing I don't have to deal with this shit for another 3-4 years. But also, what will happen next? What about my love life? What should I do once I'm back? I haven't even prepared to leave this beautiful place. I haven't visited most places I need to visit.

Is that probably what dying people think about? When you were told you only have limited time to live? I don't even dare to imagine. Life is pretty scary sometimes.

You can't always get what you want.... that's just how life works.

On dying my hair

Several times lately I've been thinking about dying my hair, like silverish or something, like the current trend. A friend of mine was also surprised that I didn't color my hair, which actually really has made it much healthier. She thought I colored it black, somehow. Nah uh *proud smirk*. I remember like around 15 years ago I would color my hair everytime because it was forbidden at the school, of course. You know how we tend to do something when it is forbidden, right? Now that I have all rights to color it, I kinda hesitant. Why? Because I have experienced the suffer after I did all of those things to my hair. I used to flatten my hair, too, during that time, because that was the trend *blame Sanchai from Meteor Garden for that phenomena.
And now all I want is for my hair to look bigger and wavy-er. Oh man what a trend.

Actually I haven't got to the point, where my hair was damaged so bad that it was very dry, fell off, and I even had grey hair! Now believe it or not, I don't have any. None. Still cannot be as thick as before I did all the chemical works, but it is really much better now. One thing to be sure is, you might be triggered to do a lot of things to your hair and think that it is OK. But believe me, once it starts to "get mad", that's probably the most stressful experience ever! I used to be soooo afraid just to even comb my hair cos how bad the hair was falling all the time. I was afraid to go to hair saloon and let people touch my hair. I always crawled and checked how many hairs were on the floor. Crazy time! I remember I used to pray so hard that God gives me back my hair and I promised, I would never done anything harmful to my hair, ever.

So in conclusion, I might need to just be grateful of the hair condition right now, and not even think of destroying it again!

Dating a Baby

Not literally, but almost! Sometimes I do feel bad that I'm superrr childish when it comes to relationship. I do wonder most of the times, when will I ever be more mature? Like not feeling too jealous everytime (and I'm jealous of everyone. Every girls in his life, let it be family or just friends, or even just some random people at the store who looked too friendly). I might even be jealous of guys too if I know he is too close with them.

I'm thirsty of his attention EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Especially when I'm not too busy. Gosh I wish I had a job, lotsa money where I can just go shopping or go to saloon OR traveling whenever I feel lonely.

SOON!!!!

Earning Money is ALWAYS FUN

OK I might be "lebay" but seriously I've been feeling better lately. I have one thing more certain in my life, which is I wouldn't need to go back to work in Jakarta. One more thing to wait, "would I be able to stay here and doing PhD?"
I might get the answer in a little less than a month. I asked one of my friends that sitting in the graduate admission committee but he wouldn't reveal anything. He was just saying, "all I can tell is that your application is about 99% better than the rest of the applicants".
Well, at least that's something nice to say.

I was not really motivated to do PhD sometime ago but now I'm pretty convinced I want to do that. I may list the reasons here just to brainstorm myself:

1. I am not ready to leave my boyfriend. Indonesia is too far from U.S for a relationship. I would think that is pretty hopeless. Now that we are in different states, already hard. But we can still see each other every month or so. So that's helpful. Indonesia-U.S? $1500 per visit? Insane!

2. I love being here, much more than being in Jakarta. I'm sorry Jakartans, but Jakarta sucks, big time.
Now that Ahok is the governor, I think it is leading to a better directions, although who knows? I heard many people/group against his governance. So, well, if he's not the governor then that will just strengthen my hesitance to go back. Macet, kriminal, polution, weird single lifestyle and non-committed marriages all over just drove me nuts. I think I've said it so many times but I know I miss the hell out of being able to get good food everytime and massages, but I really feel good being here.

3. I am now in a better state, financially. I earn more money by doing part-time job in the computer lab. Basically just sitting in the "reception" kinda desk and help people when they have problems related to IT. But I'm so surprised that the job is not hard at all! All you need to do is act or show like you care about their problems. Simple. And help me through.

4. If I got admitted to the PhD, that will also mean I will get bigger stipend, which is amazingly good for me. I know it is still a lot smaller than if I get a job as a geophysicist here (not in Indo), but it is still acceptable. Plus, I will get a degree, which is nice.

I think it is pretty scary though that my baby (not literal meaning, lol) is basically the most important factor among it all, so if it didn't work, gosh who knows what will happen!?

But yea, just like the title of this post, earning money is always fun. I really enjoy not being too stressful about money all the time. Go me!

Hopefully everything goes smoothly, though. Fingers crossed!