everything was suddenly perfect again, like nothing ever happened. And in the middle of those excitement, I cried.
"Sorry, I'm just missing you.."
He was again so sweet to me, like he has always been. He asked me at one point, "baby, what is it about me (that makes you love me so much)?"
Me: "I don't know...."
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Breathe Again...
This post might sound like a bragging, but well... nobody is really expected to read this anyway. LOL.
You know sometimes I realize people think that I brag a lot about my life, but the truth is, so many things I tried not to brag about. Compare to some friends that I know, I am very sure if they were me, they would BRAG LIKE CRAAZEEEHH... So yea, actually whatever I posted, it has been kept as down-to-earth as possible. LOL.
I just think that when you are down, nobody really gives a fuck about your sad life. I mean, they do give a fuck, but like a "laughing fuck", you know? People like to listen to other people complaints about their life, not because they care about making you feel better, but because they like to know that nobody is truly happy in this life.
Long story short, I just finally can breathe again after 2 years of poverty. If you follow my blog then you'd know that I don't always brag about how lucky I am, but there are some down times when I barely had money at all and pretty struggling with my life here. To be honest, I still am not completely HAPPY being here, remembering there is almost no good friends around me that I can rely on. Oh well, I do have a good friend here, but she is married with a kid, so it's not totally the same as having a best friend that have the same kind of life as you (single and mingle). But, better than not at all obviously! But then now I am at Bakersfield, all by myseeelllfff...... (Nyanyik). I have a roommate that I thought would be a perfect companion during my Summer here, because she is a geologist (close enough) and she is a Catholic too, so we kinda have the same ideology. LOL. Not like we talk about that at all, though. We don't. We just go to church together, that's it. Sometimes during the weekdays we don't talk at all. Just say HI in the morning and GOOD NIGHT and BYE. Hahaha... pretty awkward, but whatever.
Other than that, I sometimes feel pretty lonely, remembering that I have some good friends back in Jakarta that I can always depend on whenever I want to watch movie with, drink with, shopping with, eating with, or anything, really.
Oh back to coming back from poverty. I know life will not always be this easy, but currently I'm happy I can do whatever I want to do. Crave for some food? Just go and eat at that place. Want to get my nails done at the salon? I can. Want to drink with some friends? (other interns) I can. Want to shop for clothes/shoes? I can. TWO fricking years I was sooooo out of money that I really couldn't get anything I wanted. Oh well, pretty traumatizing! I still don't know though if money is really all the answer, cause I was still happy at that time, cause I had my BF *aww*.
Well, talking about him, I'm going to see him in 2 weeks. I know. Either stupid, or stupid. That's me. He is pretty much my source of happiness and consolation, though.
You know sometimes I realize people think that I brag a lot about my life, but the truth is, so many things I tried not to brag about. Compare to some friends that I know, I am very sure if they were me, they would BRAG LIKE CRAAZEEEHH... So yea, actually whatever I posted, it has been kept as down-to-earth as possible. LOL.
I just think that when you are down, nobody really gives a fuck about your sad life. I mean, they do give a fuck, but like a "laughing fuck", you know? People like to listen to other people complaints about their life, not because they care about making you feel better, but because they like to know that nobody is truly happy in this life.
Long story short, I just finally can breathe again after 2 years of poverty. If you follow my blog then you'd know that I don't always brag about how lucky I am, but there are some down times when I barely had money at all and pretty struggling with my life here. To be honest, I still am not completely HAPPY being here, remembering there is almost no good friends around me that I can rely on. Oh well, I do have a good friend here, but she is married with a kid, so it's not totally the same as having a best friend that have the same kind of life as you (single and mingle). But, better than not at all obviously! But then now I am at Bakersfield, all by myseeelllfff...... (Nyanyik). I have a roommate that I thought would be a perfect companion during my Summer here, because she is a geologist (close enough) and she is a Catholic too, so we kinda have the same ideology. LOL. Not like we talk about that at all, though. We don't. We just go to church together, that's it. Sometimes during the weekdays we don't talk at all. Just say HI in the morning and GOOD NIGHT and BYE. Hahaha... pretty awkward, but whatever.
Other than that, I sometimes feel pretty lonely, remembering that I have some good friends back in Jakarta that I can always depend on whenever I want to watch movie with, drink with, shopping with, eating with, or anything, really.
Oh back to coming back from poverty. I know life will not always be this easy, but currently I'm happy I can do whatever I want to do. Crave for some food? Just go and eat at that place. Want to get my nails done at the salon? I can. Want to drink with some friends? (other interns) I can. Want to shop for clothes/shoes? I can. TWO fricking years I was sooooo out of money that I really couldn't get anything I wanted. Oh well, pretty traumatizing! I still don't know though if money is really all the answer, cause I was still happy at that time, cause I had my BF *aww*.
Well, talking about him, I'm going to see him in 2 weeks. I know. Either stupid, or stupid. That's me. He is pretty much my source of happiness and consolation, though.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Pelit
I think naturally I'm a cheapo. I'm pretty generous for myself, but pretty cheap for someone else. I know, I know, that's not very good of me. Oh well actually I'm pretty generous for my boyfriend as well. So yea.. depends I guess.
Recently I've been spending a lot of money especially for my car. The main reason is because I'm trying to be very careful to drive my car for 1K miles from CO to CA. Of course I don't want anything bad happens during my trip, especially because this will be my very first time driving that far BY MYSELF! Pretty daunting yet exciting. Anyway, I spent money for my windshield ($250), additional tire ($130), oil change ($30) and now new battery!! ($130). Aw man....
I also try to convince myself, always, that it is better to be safe than sorry. Very true! Sometimes we try to be very cheap and something happen that requires us to spend even more! Similar thing happened to my ex-bf, his car just broke down and got towed, couldn't get fixed so he needed to just buy brand new. All because his car was already a junk yet he tried to prolong the usage. Anyway.... That's my story!
Recently I've been spending a lot of money especially for my car. The main reason is because I'm trying to be very careful to drive my car for 1K miles from CO to CA. Of course I don't want anything bad happens during my trip, especially because this will be my very first time driving that far BY MYSELF! Pretty daunting yet exciting. Anyway, I spent money for my windshield ($250), additional tire ($130), oil change ($30) and now new battery!! ($130). Aw man....
I also try to convince myself, always, that it is better to be safe than sorry. Very true! Sometimes we try to be very cheap and something happen that requires us to spend even more! Similar thing happened to my ex-bf, his car just broke down and got towed, couldn't get fixed so he needed to just buy brand new. All because his car was already a junk yet he tried to prolong the usage. Anyway.... That's my story!
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Wondering about life
I wonder why life is so full of sadness and disappointment. Unfairness. You name it. I wish I was a more positive person in living my life. Full of joy. Dish out every little thing and looking forward for a brighter future. My feelings have been up and down very quickly lately. Of course most of it is caused by my love life. A total disappointment. One minute I feel so motivated and think about it as a little thing that is not supposedly bother me, but the other minute I could feel so down and teared myself. I wonder if it is an anger or sadness. Can't really tell. I think it is a lot of disappointment. Expectation that has been tackled down. I realized it is not only me that encountered this kind of problems in life. To be fair, in general my life has been easy. So, I shouldn't complain too much. What bugging my mind is, why we kept on facing this kind of disappointment? And even more, why we disappoint ourselves? One thing I also realize lately is that I expect something from someone and they can't fulfill it. That leads to disappointment. But on the other hand, I also cannot fulfill what is expected from me. No matter how hard I tried, it is just me, a person that is not compatible to him.
Gosh I really need to move on from this bullshit.
Gosh I really need to move on from this bullshit.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Updates..updates..
Been quite sometime since the last time I wrote. Love life is just pretty roller coaster-y with my ex-bae. So... we still talk to each other almost everyday. Almost like nothing happened. One time I knew he was dating this other girl also, and I was just FLIPPED. And... now we are good again. ON and OFF like that dunno until when. Only God knows. Just last night he promised to call me and he fell asleep! Gosh I was sooo pissed (because I was anticipating his call) and I wrote him pretty nasty email. Well, kinda like 15% nasty. He replied immediately this morning and called me. He was so sorry and will make sure he calls me tonight. One thing that kinda struck me was that, he was not mad at all for my email. I mean, yea it was his fault. But somehow I feel like he becomes more understanding of myself? I will usually get super angry and cool down almost right away. Anywaay... I dunno.
On the side note, will soon go to Bakersfield California for my internship. Pretty excited and nervous at the same time. Hope I can break a leg and get hired as a permanent employee eventually! AMEN!
On the side note, will soon go to Bakersfield California for my internship. Pretty excited and nervous at the same time. Hope I can break a leg and get hired as a permanent employee eventually! AMEN!
Thursday, April 6, 2017
I have listed
all the reasons of "why I should not be with him".
A long list.
Yet I still want to be with him.
Gosh, is love really that poisonous?
A long list.
Yet I still want to be with him.
Gosh, is love really that poisonous?
Sunday, April 2, 2017
God is good
We should never doubt whatever God's plan for us. I think. Yes I didn't get the admission to the PhD program. I broke up with my boyfriend for a year. I am devastated. But what did I just get recently? An internship offer from an oil company in California! That.is.mind.blowing.
Of course I wanted that internship so fricking much like you won't believe. I prayed every night for it. Just for information, getting a job or internship here during this oil crisis is HARD AS HELL. Even a lot harder given the fact that you are an international student. Well... especially under Mr.T governance, as you know. I put my resume everywhere, submit it online, no call. Nothing. And it was crazy because under normal situation (high oil price), I would have gotten a lot of offers. It is well known that a person graduated from my school here (CSM) would get a lot of offers from everywhere. Well, not this time. But I think recently the situation is getting better (fingers crossed). Most people I know will already have internships also for this upcoming summer. But it is just so crazy, for me. It was almost impossible to get one.
It is crazy too to see how much they offer for the internship salary. It is like 3 times my salary in Indonesia after working for 5 years with one of the biggest oil company in the world. And in addition to that, they still give you a "moving allowance" that is almost as much as one month salary. Now I know why so many people want to work in the States (including me). Oh well, let's see what will happen next. I'm just hoping for the best and let God do the rest. All I know is now I'm under a lot of pressures since the people that are hiring me for the job kinda expected me to perform not just like a usual intern. Usual interns are people that just graduated fresh from the school. Technically I have had 5 years working exp, so...... well.........
On the side note, these past 2 weeks have been super dramatic with my ex-bf. On and Off. In the end I think the answer will be, how I learn to love someone without having the urge to "have" them. We love each other, no doubt about it. But we are just so impossible to be together without hurting each other (emotionally). Because what we "need" is different. I need a commit lover. He needs a flexible, open partnership.
Well... (again), that's life after all.
Good luck to me!
Of course I wanted that internship so fricking much like you won't believe. I prayed every night for it. Just for information, getting a job or internship here during this oil crisis is HARD AS HELL. Even a lot harder given the fact that you are an international student. Well... especially under Mr.T governance, as you know. I put my resume everywhere, submit it online, no call. Nothing. And it was crazy because under normal situation (high oil price), I would have gotten a lot of offers. It is well known that a person graduated from my school here (CSM) would get a lot of offers from everywhere. Well, not this time. But I think recently the situation is getting better (fingers crossed). Most people I know will already have internships also for this upcoming summer. But it is just so crazy, for me. It was almost impossible to get one.
It is crazy too to see how much they offer for the internship salary. It is like 3 times my salary in Indonesia after working for 5 years with one of the biggest oil company in the world. And in addition to that, they still give you a "moving allowance" that is almost as much as one month salary. Now I know why so many people want to work in the States (including me). Oh well, let's see what will happen next. I'm just hoping for the best and let God do the rest. All I know is now I'm under a lot of pressures since the people that are hiring me for the job kinda expected me to perform not just like a usual intern. Usual interns are people that just graduated fresh from the school. Technically I have had 5 years working exp, so...... well.........
On the side note, these past 2 weeks have been super dramatic with my ex-bf. On and Off. In the end I think the answer will be, how I learn to love someone without having the urge to "have" them. We love each other, no doubt about it. But we are just so impossible to be together without hurting each other (emotionally). Because what we "need" is different. I need a commit lover. He needs a flexible, open partnership.
Well... (again), that's life after all.
Good luck to me!
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