Several times lately I've been thinking about dying my hair, like silverish or something, like the current trend. A friend of mine was also surprised that I didn't color my hair, which actually really has made it much healthier. She thought I colored it black, somehow. Nah uh *proud smirk*. I remember like around 15 years ago I would color my hair everytime because it was forbidden at the school, of course. You know how we tend to do something when it is forbidden, right? Now that I have all rights to color it, I kinda hesitant. Why? Because I have experienced the suffer after I did all of those things to my hair. I used to flatten my hair, too, during that time, because that was the trend *blame Sanchai from Meteor Garden for that phenomena.
And now all I want is for my hair to look bigger and wavy-er. Oh man what a trend.
Actually I haven't got to the point, where my hair was damaged so bad that it was very dry, fell off, and I even had grey hair! Now believe it or not, I don't have any. None. Still cannot be as thick as before I did all the chemical works, but it is really much better now. One thing to be sure is, you might be triggered to do a lot of things to your hair and think that it is OK. But believe me, once it starts to "get mad", that's probably the most stressful experience ever! I used to be soooo afraid just to even comb my hair cos how bad the hair was falling all the time. I was afraid to go to hair saloon and let people touch my hair. I always crawled and checked how many hairs were on the floor. Crazy time! I remember I used to pray so hard that God gives me back my hair and I promised, I would never done anything harmful to my hair, ever.
So in conclusion, I might need to just be grateful of the hair condition right now, and not even think of destroying it again!
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Dating a Baby
Not literally, but almost! Sometimes I do feel bad that I'm superrr childish when it comes to relationship. I do wonder most of the times, when will I ever be more mature? Like not feeling too jealous everytime (and I'm jealous of everyone. Every girls in his life, let it be family or just friends, or even just some random people at the store who looked too friendly). I might even be jealous of guys too if I know he is too close with them.
I'm thirsty of his attention EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Especially when I'm not too busy. Gosh I wish I had a job, lotsa money where I can just go shopping or go to saloon OR traveling whenever I feel lonely.
SOON!!!!
I'm thirsty of his attention EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Especially when I'm not too busy. Gosh I wish I had a job, lotsa money where I can just go shopping or go to saloon OR traveling whenever I feel lonely.
SOON!!!!
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Earning Money is ALWAYS FUN
OK I might be "lebay" but seriously I've been feeling better lately. I have one thing more certain in my life, which is I wouldn't need to go back to work in Jakarta. One more thing to wait, "would I be able to stay here and doing PhD?"
I might get the answer in a little less than a month. I asked one of my friends that sitting in the graduate admission committee but he wouldn't reveal anything. He was just saying, "all I can tell is that your application is about 99% better than the rest of the applicants".
Well, at least that's something nice to say.
I was not really motivated to do PhD sometime ago but now I'm pretty convinced I want to do that. I may list the reasons here just to brainstorm myself:
1. I am not ready to leave my boyfriend. Indonesia is too far from U.S for a relationship. I would think that is pretty hopeless. Now that we are in different states, already hard. But we can still see each other every month or so. So that's helpful. Indonesia-U.S? $1500 per visit? Insane!
2. I love being here, much more than being in Jakarta. I'm sorry Jakartans, but Jakarta sucks, big time.
Now that Ahok is the governor, I think it is leading to a better directions, although who knows? I heard many people/group against his governance. So, well, if he's not the governor then that will just strengthen my hesitance to go back. Macet, kriminal, polution, weird single lifestyle and non-committed marriages all over just drove me nuts. I think I've said it so many times but I know I miss the hell out of being able to get good food everytime and massages, but I really feel good being here.
3. I am now in a better state, financially. I earn more money by doing part-time job in the computer lab. Basically just sitting in the "reception" kinda desk and help people when they have problems related to IT. But I'm so surprised that the job is not hard at all! All you need to do is act or show like you care about their problems. Simple. And help me through.
4. If I got admitted to the PhD, that will also mean I will get bigger stipend, which is amazingly good for me. I know it is still a lot smaller than if I get a job as a geophysicist here (not in Indo), but it is still acceptable. Plus, I will get a degree, which is nice.
I think it is pretty scary though that my baby (not literal meaning, lol) is basically the most important factor among it all, so if it didn't work, gosh who knows what will happen!?
But yea, just like the title of this post, earning money is always fun. I really enjoy not being too stressful about money all the time. Go me!
Hopefully everything goes smoothly, though. Fingers crossed!
I might get the answer in a little less than a month. I asked one of my friends that sitting in the graduate admission committee but he wouldn't reveal anything. He was just saying, "all I can tell is that your application is about 99% better than the rest of the applicants".
Well, at least that's something nice to say.
I was not really motivated to do PhD sometime ago but now I'm pretty convinced I want to do that. I may list the reasons here just to brainstorm myself:
1. I am not ready to leave my boyfriend. Indonesia is too far from U.S for a relationship. I would think that is pretty hopeless. Now that we are in different states, already hard. But we can still see each other every month or so. So that's helpful. Indonesia-U.S? $1500 per visit? Insane!
2. I love being here, much more than being in Jakarta. I'm sorry Jakartans, but Jakarta sucks, big time.
Now that Ahok is the governor, I think it is leading to a better directions, although who knows? I heard many people/group against his governance. So, well, if he's not the governor then that will just strengthen my hesitance to go back. Macet, kriminal, polution, weird single lifestyle and non-committed marriages all over just drove me nuts. I think I've said it so many times but I know I miss the hell out of being able to get good food everytime and massages, but I really feel good being here.
3. I am now in a better state, financially. I earn more money by doing part-time job in the computer lab. Basically just sitting in the "reception" kinda desk and help people when they have problems related to IT. But I'm so surprised that the job is not hard at all! All you need to do is act or show like you care about their problems. Simple. And help me through.
4. If I got admitted to the PhD, that will also mean I will get bigger stipend, which is amazingly good for me. I know it is still a lot smaller than if I get a job as a geophysicist here (not in Indo), but it is still acceptable. Plus, I will get a degree, which is nice.
I think it is pretty scary though that my baby (not literal meaning, lol) is basically the most important factor among it all, so if it didn't work, gosh who knows what will happen!?
But yea, just like the title of this post, earning money is always fun. I really enjoy not being too stressful about money all the time. Go me!
Hopefully everything goes smoothly, though. Fingers crossed!
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Marriage without Love?
I texted one of my friends that got married couple of years ago (not very long ago),
"hey X, why I haven't seen you with your wife anymore? I guess I'd rather ask you directly than asking other people, right?"
I know that kinda sound very nosy of me LOL, but well, I've just been curious. I even noticed they are not friends anymore on social media.
My friend, "yes.. I have been divorced. She cheated on me and now getting married again"
WHAT.IN.THE.HELL?
I remember their wedding party was pretty big. Even if I got married one day with someone I really love, except he's rich, I wouldn't make that big of a wedding. Anyywaay... long story short he said the ex-wife married him not because of love, but because of something else (not sure what it is). I actually kinda sensed it even before they got married. Not that I know the wife well, not at all, only do "cipika cipiki" when we see each other. I'm not even sure she remembers me. LOL. Maybe not. But yea, from my friend's story before they got married, the ex-wife was kinda suspicious, like always trying to be secretive, not allowing my friend to look at her phone, putting it on "airplane mode" whenever she left the phone unattended, etc. Weird huh? That's why me and my other friends were shaking our head when he finally got married, in such a "hurry" mode.
Anywaay again, back to the part where "she didn't get married because of love", OMG? How can even someone do that? Like, how nuts are you? I know some people said love can grow after the marriage itself. But, seriously? OK maybe I'm being too judgmental now as I haven't been married at all myself, but I just can't imagine getting into a marriage without love. Might as well become a single person forever! Marriage WITH love itself is already hard, I believe. Imagine being in it WITHOUT love. Hell!
Oh well, I guess people are different. Some thinks that their priority in life might not be the love itself, can be their "image" in front of the public, money, position, etc. I just can hope I won't be one of it one day!
"hey X, why I haven't seen you with your wife anymore? I guess I'd rather ask you directly than asking other people, right?"
I know that kinda sound very nosy of me LOL, but well, I've just been curious. I even noticed they are not friends anymore on social media.
My friend, "yes.. I have been divorced. She cheated on me and now getting married again"
WHAT.IN.THE.HELL?
I remember their wedding party was pretty big. Even if I got married one day with someone I really love, except he's rich, I wouldn't make that big of a wedding. Anyywaay... long story short he said the ex-wife married him not because of love, but because of something else (not sure what it is). I actually kinda sensed it even before they got married. Not that I know the wife well, not at all, only do "cipika cipiki" when we see each other. I'm not even sure she remembers me. LOL. Maybe not. But yea, from my friend's story before they got married, the ex-wife was kinda suspicious, like always trying to be secretive, not allowing my friend to look at her phone, putting it on "airplane mode" whenever she left the phone unattended, etc. Weird huh? That's why me and my other friends were shaking our head when he finally got married, in such a "hurry" mode.
Anywaay again, back to the part where "she didn't get married because of love", OMG? How can even someone do that? Like, how nuts are you? I know some people said love can grow after the marriage itself. But, seriously? OK maybe I'm being too judgmental now as I haven't been married at all myself, but I just can't imagine getting into a marriage without love. Might as well become a single person forever! Marriage WITH love itself is already hard, I believe. Imagine being in it WITHOUT love. Hell!
Oh well, I guess people are different. Some thinks that their priority in life might not be the love itself, can be their "image" in front of the public, money, position, etc. I just can hope I won't be one of it one day!
Monday, January 16, 2017
I am blessed
Just now I feel really blessed, despite several "plans" that were not working in my life. Back in 2014 I finally decided to make a move, to apply to graduate school in the U.S. I have always wanted to study abroad, experiencing how is it to live very far away from home, talk in your second language every single day, do a grocery shopping every couple of days in a country you are not familiar with, and so on.
I loved traveling, still do, yet every time I travelled, it was never more than 2 weeks. And what did I get? Pictures, yes. Beautiful ones. Some information about the places, yes. But experience wise, it is not nearly as close to when you actually live there.
Other than that reason, I also want to "bump up" my earnings. I got decent salary, yes. But remembering me as an impatient person, I want to earn moreee.. a lot more. And I didn't want to wait. I had to do something. I have to study abroad, get a masters, and work overseas. At least that was what I thought. Did it go as planned? Nope, not yet. Who would have predicted that the oil prices went down, to the deepest fall? I'm sure, if the situation was not like this, I could have had a job here, in a heartbeat. I'm sure of that.
Oh well... but who could have known, right? That's life. One time you think you got it, and Life says "nope..".
But I'm still feeling blessed, you know. I get to meet people that are so so amazing here. Life is not as easy as back in my home country, but man.. this is very much meaningful. And in the end, why would you want "easy" life? Do you want to grow old thinking, "is that it?"?
I am also blessed to have my family that support me no matter what. I think not all family would do that. I know it must be hard to allow your kids, especially the only daughter of the family, to live thousand miles away from home. *although my mom kinda likes it, as an excuse for her to travel here LOL*
And last but not least.. I'm blessed to have met my love :)
I loved traveling, still do, yet every time I travelled, it was never more than 2 weeks. And what did I get? Pictures, yes. Beautiful ones. Some information about the places, yes. But experience wise, it is not nearly as close to when you actually live there.
Other than that reason, I also want to "bump up" my earnings. I got decent salary, yes. But remembering me as an impatient person, I want to earn moreee.. a lot more. And I didn't want to wait. I had to do something. I have to study abroad, get a masters, and work overseas. At least that was what I thought. Did it go as planned? Nope, not yet. Who would have predicted that the oil prices went down, to the deepest fall? I'm sure, if the situation was not like this, I could have had a job here, in a heartbeat. I'm sure of that.
Oh well... but who could have known, right? That's life. One time you think you got it, and Life says "nope..".
But I'm still feeling blessed, you know. I get to meet people that are so so amazing here. Life is not as easy as back in my home country, but man.. this is very much meaningful. And in the end, why would you want "easy" life? Do you want to grow old thinking, "is that it?"?
I am also blessed to have my family that support me no matter what. I think not all family would do that. I know it must be hard to allow your kids, especially the only daughter of the family, to live thousand miles away from home. *although my mom kinda likes it, as an excuse for her to travel here LOL*
And last but not least.. I'm blessed to have met my love :)
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Writing About Good Things Only..
To be honest, if there's any media that captures both sides of my life, good and bad, it would probably be this blog. Although lately it may sound like I've been bragging (do you think so? LOL), I didn't mean to. Of course I have a lot of concerns in my life, problems (not so much actually, remembering I have always tried to follow the rules), but I realize writing about bad stuffs doesn't really do any good for you.
It is understandable that sometimes you want to express your sadness, your disappointment, etc, but this just triggered the negativity in your life. At least that what I think. That's why most of the times I like to write about good, sweet things happening in my life. It's not really for imaging (baca: pencitraan. LOL) but it's more for my mental healthiness.
That's the same when I want to share my unluckiness with my friends. It is good at one point to get a support of the problems you're facing. But whether your feelings will get better or not also depends on who responds to it. Some friends, I realized, just make it even worse. They didn't offer some kind of consolation, instead, they made us feel even worse and worthless. LOL. Or sometimes they didn't care as much, so they didn't even respond well to it. So what's the point of sharing the bad stuffs?
Although I know some people that would listen to my concerns and respond well to it. My BF is one of them, hence I like to share it with him. Such a sweetheart. Other people would be mostly my family, my parents especially. Although I don't really share everything in my life with them. They are not so open minded, I think. But when it comes to career, education, I would share it with them of course.
It is understandable that sometimes you want to express your sadness, your disappointment, etc, but this just triggered the negativity in your life. At least that what I think. That's why most of the times I like to write about good, sweet things happening in my life. It's not really for imaging (baca: pencitraan. LOL) but it's more for my mental healthiness.
That's the same when I want to share my unluckiness with my friends. It is good at one point to get a support of the problems you're facing. But whether your feelings will get better or not also depends on who responds to it. Some friends, I realized, just make it even worse. They didn't offer some kind of consolation, instead, they made us feel even worse and worthless. LOL. Or sometimes they didn't care as much, so they didn't even respond well to it. So what's the point of sharing the bad stuffs?
Although I know some people that would listen to my concerns and respond well to it. My BF is one of them, hence I like to share it with him. Such a sweetheart. Other people would be mostly my family, my parents especially. Although I don't really share everything in my life with them. They are not so open minded, I think. But when it comes to career, education, I would share it with them of course.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Looking back..
Yesterday my BF said,
"this is your first time falling in love.. I've been there before, so I'm wary.."
"No.. I've always loved people. They just never reciprocated"
"Well.. since our love is mutual, that's making it stronger"
***
That's true. The part where "they never reciprocated". I was in quite a few relationships before, if you can call so. But I just realized now that most of them are jack-asses?! Not because it's over now that I talk shit about it, but that's how it was. None of them were being really real to me. In the end just taking advantages because I loved them so much. But one person that I can say was the meanest of all must be my Ex "H". I mostly talked about him back in 2013.
Somehow I found out some of my conversation with him back in 2014 I think, after he's missing for a year without explanation. OMG that guy was so so so piece of shit you know. Like most of the things he said to me is a B.S. He would be a perfect example of a NATO people. No Action Talk Only.
Some of the "promises" he said to me that never happened:
- He would be coming to Jakarta every month or 2 months to see me (after he's transferred to another country)
- He would come to my brother's wedding and meet my family (back in 2014)
- He would eventually see me in Colorado back in October 2015
- He would skype with me
not to mention he stood me up numerous times during our togetherness in Jakarta. Like he would make a vague appointment with me and by the time we were supposed to meet, he would give so many excuses like he's sick, he needed to go somewhere, he didn't feel like going anymore because of the traffic. OMG. I know, I know, how stupid I was. Even one time he suddenly said he needed to go to England for his friend's wedding (very very last minute) on our "supposedly" dating day?! He sent me his boarding pass and such, but seriously....
And I don't know (until now) what was his problem, really. Is he mentally ill? Like how do you think someone can treat someone else like that? Giving false hope everytime only to break it and disappearing without any explanation. Zero. Of course it was my fault too, to give him that chances. Well, I was a lot younger at that time and I've never met someone "walk the talk" until now. I would show some of my chat with him in 2014 I think, after he disappeared and tried to get back together. Which of course never happens. I don't even know if he is still alive by now. Last time I was in touch with him was probably in October 2015 when he said he was gonna fly and see me here. And... went radio silent. Crazy.
"this is your first time falling in love.. I've been there before, so I'm wary.."
"No.. I've always loved people. They just never reciprocated"
"Well.. since our love is mutual, that's making it stronger"
***
That's true. The part where "they never reciprocated". I was in quite a few relationships before, if you can call so. But I just realized now that most of them are jack-asses?! Not because it's over now that I talk shit about it, but that's how it was. None of them were being really real to me. In the end just taking advantages because I loved them so much. But one person that I can say was the meanest of all must be my Ex "H". I mostly talked about him back in 2013.
Somehow I found out some of my conversation with him back in 2014 I think, after he's missing for a year without explanation. OMG that guy was so so so piece of shit you know. Like most of the things he said to me is a B.S. He would be a perfect example of a NATO people. No Action Talk Only.
Some of the "promises" he said to me that never happened:
- He would be coming to Jakarta every month or 2 months to see me (after he's transferred to another country)
- He would come to my brother's wedding and meet my family (back in 2014)
- He would eventually see me in Colorado back in October 2015
- He would skype with me
not to mention he stood me up numerous times during our togetherness in Jakarta. Like he would make a vague appointment with me and by the time we were supposed to meet, he would give so many excuses like he's sick, he needed to go somewhere, he didn't feel like going anymore because of the traffic. OMG. I know, I know, how stupid I was. Even one time he suddenly said he needed to go to England for his friend's wedding (very very last minute) on our "supposedly" dating day?! He sent me his boarding pass and such, but seriously....
And I don't know (until now) what was his problem, really. Is he mentally ill? Like how do you think someone can treat someone else like that? Giving false hope everytime only to break it and disappearing without any explanation. Zero. Of course it was my fault too, to give him that chances. Well, I was a lot younger at that time and I've never met someone "walk the talk" until now. I would show some of my chat with him in 2014 I think, after he disappeared and tried to get back together. Which of course never happens. I don't even know if he is still alive by now. Last time I was in touch with him was probably in October 2015 when he said he was gonna fly and see me here. And... went radio silent. Crazy.
It is actually pretty embarrassing to show all of these again, cause what's the point, this guy just lied all.the.time. But yea, that's pretty much stuffs he said that still gave me false hopes, towards the end. But from those snapshots you can see how stupid I was LOL. Like a giggly girl just swallowing every words he said. Sometimes I think I thought he really was into me because he would shower me with expensive gifts. Perfumes, cellphone (newest iphone at that time), a holiday trip to Bali in a REALLY nice place, etc. Always took me to a nice place for a meal, like fancy hotels for brunches, dinners. NEVER let me pay.
That is probably very very shallow. I know it is very nice to get a gift from someone important to you, but that is ultimately not a guarantee. My BF right now never really showered me with that kind of stuffs, of course. I know his limitation. Yet with his limitation he still did things for me that make me feel like I've been given something so expensive. Oh wait, genuine care and love are indeed expensive :)
Oh well.. lessons learned, everybody!
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