Giving

I feel bad about myself for having a "burden" feelings more when I spend money on somebody else, compared to if I would have spent it on myself. Have you ever felt that way too? For example, when I am looking to buy a gift for my friends or family, as much as I want to buy those things for them, if it was rather expensive, I'd think about it over and over again, and justify it inside my head, "That's OK, the person receiving it will be very happy". That's the whole point. The assurance that that particular person will be happy for receiving the gift, is the only reason that is worth the money.

Different story if I spend the money for myself. Well, I have to have enough money too, of course. But it would be easier. When I like something or want something done to me, I'd have no second thought. I enjoy myself giving such treat to me. Yes, me. It is all about me. Do I really love myself that much?

Anyway... lately I've been spending so much money, regardless no "big income" like I used to get when I did my internship. Heck, those moments were like 4 months ago. And here I am still splurging like there's no tomorrow. I'm currently in Austin with my so called BF (for 3 weeks now) and all I have been doing is spending money like a tourist. Lately also I have been browsing furniture (mainly mattress and sofa) for my new apartment in Bakersfield. It's crazy how expensive it can be and I even sorta plan to buy the high end one. I think this is an euphoria effect. I just changed my mind, though. I will still buy a good one, but not the best one. Too crazy to spend money on that kind of things. Heck, I should save more money, not keep on spending it!

I kept also reminding myself and cheering myself, there is a salary, sign-on bonus, and tax return that I will get early next year (~1month). So I shouldn't be too worried. LOL. Excuse, excuse! My credit score (at the bank) is getting lower now due to my spending (with lesser income). But you know what, there are more people that are really bad in their finance, compared to me (another excuse!).
I remember the first month I did my internship, a fellow intern of mine (an LA girl) paid off her credit card balance which left her have no more money left lolololol... That's so crazy. I said to her, "we all got the allowance, right? That's a lot of money!". But she said everything goes to the credit card payment. Lol. Gosh whata girl.

Anyways, I just bought something for someone and I just felt glad I did despite the pretty high price. Afterall, it's a Christmas season, a season of giving :)

Finally finished it

3 days ago, I passed my Master's thesis defense. When that happened, it felt surreal. Happiness didn't really kick in until recently. Looking back, it has been pretty crazy, you know. I know some people might experience an even harder one, bcause some of them have other responsibilities outside the study itself, such as having a family to take care of, etc. I have been just by myself all this time, although yes, I have told my story about being so struggling here when I didn't have enough money most times.

The other hard parts are when oil price is low, you didn't have any internships or job offer, and people start underestimating you. I was so sure they did. When I finally got an internship and even a job offer, oh my God, people start treating me differently. They were somewhat nicer and more respectful. Isn't that crazy?

Anyways, not only that part that was hard. Overall, everything was pretty hard. Courses were pretty hard in terms of the assignment load, and I really wanted to get a GPA of 4.0, although now I ended up having a 3.95 or something. But the conclusion is, I don't want to repeat this process, LOL. Enough is enough. I'm so tired of being a student and have to do all of the assignments. Gosh... And not even paid well (Duh, of course, who do you think you are!?).

Anyway again, now I'm just chilling... A bit sad thinking that I have to leave Golden..... But life must go on, just like... always....

Cheers to the next adventures ahead!

A week before defense

Mixed feelings. I don't want to postpone it (obviously). I just want to get it done sooner than later. Can you believe that supposedly all of these burdens will be over in a week?
Gosh...

I know sometimes I complain (human nature) about school life, which surprisingly was my biggest dream to pursue. Again, I cherish this moment so fricking much, but enough is enough. I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I want to graduate and start working again. Maybe, maybe, because my main goal is money. Yea maybe that's why. If being a student pays a lot, then I will choose this job any day.

But seriously, again, how can I complain? My life these past two semesters has been pretty easy peasy. I wake up late everyday. No classes anymore. Just do research, write, consult, re-write, etc. I really should not complain. But I'm just so done with my project.

One day I will miss all of these moments for sure. Being in the most beautiful place surrounded by the mountain, bluest sky, freshest air, no kids (LOL), no traffic, can go to gym everyday and exercise without hesitation, go to the nearest river close to the house. Gosh.... how dare did I ever complain? I love this place and this moment so much and I will remember it forever.

My poor life

The first 2 years I was here, I was always wondering why I can't gain weight. I felt like I ate enough. Now? I can't even lose 2 kgs! LOL.
Now I know why. Basically last 2 years I was in a very poor life. Not kidding.
1. I could barely eat out. I will really really think 1000 times before deciding to eat out with my friends. Even one time I got so hurt when my friend was asking why did I care if I spent money on eating out. I was like, "helloo?? I don't have money, chicca. Which part did you not get from that?" I had it in my mind, of course.
2. I could barely spend money on filling my gas. Everytime I wanna drive somewhere far, I thought about how my gas will run out fast and I wouldn't be able to buy it again.
3. I could barely shop on anything. Literally. One time I really really wanted to buy a sweater that costs $15. I couldn't buy it. Sad, huh?
4. I bought the cheapest skin product. And my face skin was horrible. I feel bad about it, now I really spoil my face!!!
5. I couldn't afford a parking permit at school, so I had to park somewhere far away from the building and had to move my car every 2 hours (the max hours). Maybe that's why I was skinny as well!

Now that I can afford most things, I just cannot lose weight at all. Hahahahahaha... Crazy! Always take and give, huh? You gain some and lose some. But I'm just glad I am not struggling anymore. It's always frustrating, especially when you cannot eat what you want because you don't have money. That's the saddest part, for me. I will never forget it!

Poligami

Akhir2 ini sering baca artikel tentang ibu2 yang menentang poligami. It is not really related to me (not in my religion) so I can't really comment on the basis of it, obviously.
But I'm very intrigued to make a comment as a common human being. Now, being committed to one person or more is something else. I know people that are like that. Or actually, there are a lot of people like that in the world. Heck my bf is very into open relationship (loving more than one person).

The issue with polygamy, though, in my opinion, is... why the heck you (man) can be with more than one person, while your wife/partner can only be with you? How in the world does that sound fair at all?

Now in all fairness, maybe, maybe... again this is just my personal opinion which may be right or wrong, maybe it is slightly fine if this guy is the source of everything. Like financially, etc, etc. So, there is no options, really. Unless the wife wants to start taking over and find the financial source as well, or maybe juts opt for divorce or whatever. But, if the wife, can also work by herself and feed the family just as much as the husband, wouldn't it be fair if both can be with anybody else?

My point is, don't be a jackass. If you are OK with however you are treating others, then theoretically you should accept being treated the same way!

Reminiscing

Today suddenly I was reminiscing the feelings before I came here in the U.S.  I was never living somewhere totally stranger to me. Well, maybe the very first time was when I moved to Bandung from Malang. But even that, I still had some people I knew already (some friends from Malang also moved to Bandung, although I was not that close to them). Anyways.... That was different. Still pretty challenging, but nothing like me moving to the U.S.

Imagine you moved to a country very far from your home. Nobody there you knew before. You didn't know the law, regulations, cultures, etc etc. And then nobody are responsible for you. Meaning, all the income/spending totally on you. Nope, my parents did not help me financially at all. Which makes sense. I already worked before that anyway. Butttt... I quit working, no more income like that. Yes I had scholarship, but that scholarship was just enough. Really really tight spending on anything. I remember I couldn't really eat out without thinking how much money left I had in my bank account. I didn't have savings. That money I used to have, there would be no way I could ever spend on anything extra. Well, sometimes I still traveled to Austin to my BF, but we can't really spend money on anything either, there.

And yett, now, I belong here. I want to be here. I want to stay here like a tree. Grow all my roots into the ground so nobody can ask me to leave.

I'm so proud of myself to get this far. I don't always like me, but I realized this is not easy. It has never been easy. And I made it through. Baby steps, to the success. Thanks God. I know You are behind all of these.

State of Mind, State of Life

Couple of days ago I finally received the offer letter from the company that is looking forward to hire me. So frickin happy, and then... faced by the fact that I'm still working on my thesis draft. FML. LOL.

Got edits from one of my professor, and actually the things he edited or commented are the things I knew I kinda messed up or intentionally skipped without adding clear details. Which actually usually works for some people (my other professor never paid attention to such details like equations and some shit). But this one does. Gosh.......

Can I just graduate pweaaase??? Pretty pweaaasee...? I just want to work, get paid decently (way more decent than I've ever been) and have funnn?

I realized I'm a spoilt mothafucka.