Some thoughts..

It is truly easier to consider everything in life has it's period. Or expired dates, something like that. Nothing will truly last forever. That's why it's sometimes sad but relieving to see news about somebody's misfortunes : divorce, death, lost of job, etc. And.. it creeps you with some disbelief and jealousy when someone is having a stable relationship, very successful life. You wonder, "when will it all come down to the fall?".

It sounds mean, but I believe many people feel the same way. I feel the same way about myself too. When I'm in the peak of my success, I get scared.. a little bit. Like... is it gonna last for a long time? 

But why do we worry about that at all? Sometimes all the worrisome don't mean anything. You worry about what people may think about you when they don't add value to your existence, anyway. 

Anyways.. on the other note, I currently have some many girlfriends.. I think this is the first time in a long time. I'm surrounded by girls. Girl squad or some sort. Which is interesting... It is fun but also can raise an eyebrow most of the times. I'm still glad, though, because hanging out with boys can be fun but also they don't get us (girls) that much. But with girls, I realize that the friendship has a lot of complimenting each other (oh you look so pretty, I like your dress, I love your hair...blablabla), a lot of talk about guys/marriage/kids, a lot of gossiping about other people (oh yes my favorite too), and I'm pretty sure.. a lot of jealousy behind all of it as well. One of my friends is in love at the moment and all of sudden she now talks like a love/relationship expert. LOL. Maybe I think like that because I'm jealous. But it's just pretty annoying. Honestly when I'm in a happy relationship I was just silent and not bragging about it. Cos I know it would suck when it fell apart. And heck how can you be so certain about your significant other? Nobody can predict anything..

Oh well... just some thoughts.. But all in all, I'm still pretty happy to experience these new kind of friendships

Passion

There is a girl that just got interviewed by the company I'm working with. She is about 6 years older than me I think. She is single too. Anyways, so apparently she is very passionate about social work kinda thing. Like she would volunteer at the 3rd world country, etc. Or just do something for the community. That's what her passion is. And then that leads me to ask myself a question.. "what's your passion, Sheila?".

It's pretty hard to think about it. I wish I had something great that I'm passionate about. I'm not passionate about my job. I'm good at it, though. But then I think again, what is it that I always see myself excited about?

- Food (I can find myself browsing about food for hours)
- Beauty (I keep on looking for self enhancement. Nails, hair, skin, make-up, all the fricking time)
- Traveling (duh, who doesn't?)
- Nature (now I get myself into more and more hiking and camping activities and I'm so happy about it).

Well, there you go! That's my passion. Although it's all for me, me and me. It doesn't really relate to making the world a better place, lol. Or maybe it's not true. I like to introduce good food to people. I like to make good food to share. I also am excited in letting my friends know about a good fashion or beauty trend. I always told my friends where to go to get their nails done, etc. I love traveling with friends, or planning a trip together. I love going on adventures with my friends and experience it together.

There you go! That's my passion :)

And oh, happy 30th birthday to myself. I love me! :D

Life has been good.. Turning 30 soon.

I realized I haven't posted anything here for a while, but I'd like to remember this time. The time when my life has been good.. great, even.. I have an awesome job with really good coworkers, awesome group of friends here in Bako (who could have thought?), a pretty good relationship stability at the moment with Eric. Who knows til when it would last?

In 2 weeks I will turn 30. It's so crazy. When I look back, I remember this is the kind of life I always had wanted it to be. Career woman, always dreamed to be one. For some reason, tho, I thought I would have had a family by this age. Altho that might be affecting the career side (which means I might not have been at this level in my career, had I gotten married and have kids). But yea, it's amazing how going from 20 to 30, I have gone through so many unpredictable things. I remember when I just turned 20, I was in bad relationship (about to break up), still in college, didn't know what the future may bring. And during my 20s, these happened:
- Graduated pretty early and got a job with Chevron
- Been through several little relationships here and there (before my 20, I barely had any experience with any guys, lol). Had memorable vacations with some of them.
- Did a really horrible thing for once, well, at 20 something you must have been dumb at least for once. Learned a lot from it, tho.
- Partied hard. Which I'm glad I did after I started my job, not when I was in school. So I actually was able to do it and had money to do it.
- Started traveling abroad and to many countries: Singapore, Hongkong, Macau, China, Japan, Turkey, South Korea, UAE, Vietnam, Thailand, Egypt, Palestine, Israel, Jordan, Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, and.. the mighty USA of course in the end.
- Quit my steady job, admitted to my dream school in the US for Masters, oil crash, struggled, bounced back, got a job in the US, experience a whole new life over here, in another country very far away from Indonesia.
- Got my first tattoo and "piercing" lol. What an accomplishment.

I'm happy with what I have achieved in my 20s. There are some things that I wish I had done more, but in the end of the day, everything is just a lot more than I expected. Thanks God for everything...

Money

Lately I'm somewhat bothered by people... especially people who wants to use me because I now am pretty secured, financially speaking. I mean, c'mon people. I just started this work. Yes I'm doing well, but it's not nice to be asking me for your "funding machine" just bcos now I'm making certain amount of money. And to remind you, making money isn't easy OK? My job isn't that hard, either, but it's just not nice to be taking benefits of this right away..

I can help a little here and there, but I notice now some people thought that I'm super rich or whatever that they started to ask a huge amount of money to borrow. Like.. what the fuck?

Yes I'm insecure about money to begin with. I don't want to lose my money to people that might not even give it back eventually. Plus.. another thing that bothers me, if I help you, who will help me? Huh? NOBODY. I repeat. NO ONE. I was in the deepest financial fall about 2 years ago and I didn't ask anybody to help me, OKAY?! I sold my gold bars. I used all of my savings. And these people, heck if they'd help me at all.

Damn I'm just pissed.

A myth: perfect friend

The word "perfect" itself is a myth to begin with. When somebody compliments your work by saying, "perfect!", they don't mean it. They were just saying it to emphasize that you did a great work.

Anyway.. That's not what I want to write about.

I'm just now thinking, there is no one person, or a friend of mine in particular, that never annoys me. I think that's pretty normal, tho, right?
It's funny how most people want to show the world how they are happy with their friends, how their friends are the best people, but I know deep down there are a lot of moments where they are so frickin annoyed by the "friends". Well... including me.

Maybe I'm just a bad person. That will explain a lot, why I'm so annoyed by my friends. Not everybody, tho. Just some people that appeared to be very close to me in the past, and when they suddenly didn't show their attentions anymore, it pisses me off. LOL. Tricky part is, I hate when a friend is too attentive (mostly guys). But I also hate when my friends are forgetting me (mostly girls). That makes me annoyed to both genders.

Girl friends are weird. They seem to like you but they are also jealous of you. Maybe that's just what human are in general. I'm sure many are more "saints" person, definitely not me.

Can someone be in love for that long..?

My current relationship is probably the longest I've ever been in. 2 years and couple of months in. And I love him, so much, I would think so. At least for now. I don't know in the long run. Usually I'm afraid I love too much and didn't get it reciprocated. But recently I'm afraid I will fall out of love eventually. Just bcause... I never had experience being in a long term relationship. And even now, we are in a long distance one. What if we live together? Would it be better or worse?

Another reason is he may not be the person I will look up to, eventually. Ahh... I dunno...

Four more months

and I will be 30. Gosh... Isn't that pretty crazy? LOL.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself to be at this point in my (upcoming) 30. So far I have accomplished:
- 5 years of working experience as a geophysicist (hasn't wasted any fricking time of my life, doing something else)
- Master's degree (in geophysics) from a great school in the US
- Have 1 apartment in Jakarta that is actively being rented (walopun yaaaa... apartment gitu2 ajeee sichh)
- And now I have very secured job with good income in the States, can afford a really comfortable life as well.

Again... I don't expect anyone to read my blog anyways, so, sorry if it sounds very bragging LMAO.
I just write this solely for myself.

Of course as a common people living in this world, there is something I haven't yet accomplished, which is getting married and have kids. But then, it makes me think again, well.... would I still have all of those things I mentioned earlier, if I had kids? Maybe not... I never intentionally avoid having a family, you know. I would probably be married with kids now if any of my past relationships worked out well for me. But then... I think again, maybe God made it failed, so I can achieve all of the things I have at the moment? Right?

 A friend of mine is visiting me in Bako at the moment. Very similar to me, single and mingle, independent and all sort of shits. But she doesn't want to have kids. LOL. That's a rarity. I wish I had that thought so then supposedly I don't have to worry about anything at this moment. And I even now think, do I really want to have kids (eventually), or is it because the society makes me believe that I want to have kids? But then again.... why many people complained about how having kids interfere with their dreams? I have friends that always complain how they miss their lives when they're single, and I believe that. I think, in the end, it's not really black and white, you know. It's not like a winning or losing whenever you choose something between those two, although people always try to do that. But then again, I look at my own family. I am a very very cold daughter in the family, I think. Hahahaha... I mean, I'm really not a lovey dovey daughter and I think I blame my parents for that. I'm never used to that. And now, I try to get as far as possible from home, without ever thinking that I miss my home. Never. Well, I miss the food. That's all. But being away from home is a fucking bliss.

So anyways, looking at my own life, I think, would I want to raise kids with all of those sacrificed money and time, and let them just go very far away from home? With very minimum contact (cos I hate phone calls). For what? To be proud that my kids (supposedly) are successful in their life? What is the point of all of that?

So technically I will sacrifice my dreams, spending most of money and time to raise kids, and then watch them having their own fricking lives. Aren't that pretty nuts? But also not. I dunno. I think when you have kids, you just gotta accept anything no matter what. Cos again, the kids didn't ask you to be born to begin with.