Pelit

I think naturally I'm a cheapo. I'm pretty generous for myself, but pretty cheap for someone else. I know, I know, that's not very good of me. Oh well actually I'm pretty generous for my boyfriend as well. So yea.. depends I guess.

Recently I've been spending a lot of money especially for my car. The main reason is because I'm trying to be very careful to drive my car for 1K miles from CO to CA. Of course I don't want anything bad happens during my trip, especially because this will be my very first time driving that far BY MYSELF! Pretty daunting yet exciting. Anyway, I spent money for my windshield ($250), additional tire ($130), oil change ($30) and now new battery!! ($130). Aw man....

I also try to convince myself, always, that it is better to be safe than sorry. Very true! Sometimes we try to be very cheap and something happen that requires us to spend even more! Similar thing happened to my ex-bf, his car just broke down and got towed, couldn't get fixed so he needed to just buy brand new. All because his car was already a junk yet he tried to prolong the usage. Anyway.... That's my story!

Wondering about life

I wonder why life is so full of sadness and disappointment. Unfairness. You name it. I wish I was a more positive person in living my life. Full of joy. Dish out every little thing and looking forward for a brighter future. My feelings have been up and down very quickly lately. Of course most of it is caused by my love life. A total disappointment. One minute I feel so motivated and think about it as a little thing that is not supposedly bother me, but the other minute I could feel so down and teared myself. I wonder if it is an anger or sadness. Can't really tell. I think it is a lot of disappointment. Expectation that has been tackled down. I realized it is not only me that encountered this kind of problems in life. To be fair, in general my life has been easy. So, I shouldn't complain too much. What bugging my mind is, why we kept on facing this kind of disappointment? And even more, why we disappoint ourselves? One thing I also realize lately is that I expect something from someone and they can't fulfill it. That leads to disappointment. But on the other hand, I also cannot fulfill what is expected from me. No matter how hard I tried, it is just me, a person that is not compatible to him.

Gosh I really need to move on from this bullshit.

Updates..updates..

Been quite sometime since the last time I wrote. Love life is just pretty roller coaster-y with my ex-bae. So... we still talk to each other almost everyday. Almost like nothing happened. One time I knew he was dating this other girl also, and I was just FLIPPED. And... now we are good again. ON and OFF like that dunno until when. Only God knows. Just last night he promised to call me and he fell asleep! Gosh I was sooo pissed (because I was anticipating his call) and I wrote him pretty nasty email. Well, kinda like 15% nasty. He replied immediately this morning and called me. He was so sorry and will make sure he calls me tonight. One thing that kinda struck me was that, he was not mad at all for my email. I mean, yea it was his fault. But somehow I feel like he becomes more understanding of myself? I will usually get super angry and cool down almost right away. Anywaay... I dunno.

On the side note, will soon go to Bakersfield California for my internship. Pretty excited and nervous at the same time. Hope I can break a leg and get hired as a permanent employee eventually! AMEN!

I have listed

all the reasons of "why I should not be with him".

A long list.

Yet I still want to be with him.

Gosh, is love really that poisonous?

God is good

We should never doubt whatever God's plan for us. I think. Yes I didn't get the admission to the PhD program. I broke up with my boyfriend for a year. I am devastated. But what did I just get recently? An internship offer from an oil company in California! That.is.mind.blowing.

Of course I wanted that internship so fricking much like you won't believe. I prayed every night for it. Just for information, getting a job or internship here during this oil crisis is HARD AS HELL. Even a lot harder given the fact that you are an international student. Well... especially under Mr.T governance, as you know. I put my resume everywhere, submit it online, no call. Nothing. And it was crazy because under normal situation (high oil price), I would have gotten a lot of offers. It is well known that a person graduated from my school here (CSM) would get a lot of offers from everywhere. Well, not this time. But I think recently the situation is getting better (fingers crossed). Most people I know will already have internships also for this upcoming summer. But it is just so crazy, for me. It was almost impossible to get one.

It is crazy too to see how much they offer for the internship salary. It is like 3 times my salary in Indonesia after working for 5 years with one of the biggest oil company in the world. And in addition to that, they still give you a "moving allowance" that is almost as much as one month salary. Now I know why so many people want to work in the States (including me). Oh well, let's see what will happen next. I'm just hoping for the best and let God do the rest. All I know is now I'm under a lot of pressures since the people that are hiring me for the job kinda expected me to perform not just like a usual intern. Usual interns are people that just graduated fresh from the school. Technically I have had 5 years working exp, so...... well.........

On the side note, these past 2 weeks have been super dramatic with my ex-bf. On and Off. In the end I think the answer will be, how I learn to love someone without having the urge to "have" them. We love each other, no doubt about it. But we are just so impossible to be together without hurting each other (emotionally). Because what we "need" is different. I need a commit lover. He needs a flexible, open partnership.

Well... (again), that's life after all.

Good luck to me!

Typical Me

Not really enthusiastic to write after a break-up. Haha... so far this break-up has been easy, compared to any other break-ups I've ever gone thru. One of the reason is that we are still so much in love with each other and even still in a good terms. The main problem here now is that he really doesn't want to be committed and there's nothing really I can do to change that. He thinks our relationship is WAAAY too fast for him and lately I've been kinda hinting that either we make it firm NOW or NEVER. Well, that's actually just my personality. I have always been so blinded by my feelings and really brushing everything else off. I have already witnessed a lot of things that wouldn't work if we were together. I should probably not mention it here because after all, who knows we will end up together? LOL. But anyway, the kinda funny thing is that when I told my parents that I broke up, they were SO HAPPY?!?!
My mom even said something like, "Praise the Lord! God answered my prayer."

"-___-


That's probably one thing that kinda makes me not extremely sad. If my parents love him probably that would make me even sad-er. But that's one right thing, he is not the typical guy you would be proud to introduce to your parents or even your friends. Well, my friends at least. Our world is way to different for us to be in one unity. Well, that's probably why I love him at the first place? Cause he makes me excited all the times. Never a dull moment. But dang, I'm almost 29 and it's probably not really a good time to fool around and stay with wrong guys. He said something like, "I am willing to see if it can work in a long term, we can get to know each other now." But hell, I said, I won't be waiting for him. Especially he is pretty old for me to wait for some more years. He is OK with me finding someone else along the way.

Anyway again, we still talk to each other every time and the difference is that he is now as free as a bird to be with any other people. I told him though that I don't want to know anything about that. I only want to know his other stuffs, like movie and career. Another difference is probably now I have to let it loose, like no more plans to be together eventually, not getting so cranky when he doesn't call, no more future plan based on his capability. Now I plan my future based on what sounds good for my life, like career wise etc. Actually that gives a lot of clarity of how serious I am about PhD plan. I can't even express how grateful I am now that I didn't get the PhD. I would still probably want to do PhD but not at the same school. If I would even consider to do it, I need to do it somewhere "more" and different, for a whole new experience.


Other than that, I am confirmed that I can stay until December. Wrapping up my thesis and will try to do another research and try to publish it. I've NEVER published any papers, can you believe that?? HAHAHAHA... that's probably why also I didn't get the admission to PhD program. I am also now financially more secured, hallelujah! Praise the lord! That really helps me to stay sane, buy any food I want to eat and even I now get to shop some beauty products and clothes. I am so happy. My apartment get rented back in Jakarta, which also takes off some of my burden. I somehow feel that God is truly watching me despite, you know, my ignorance most times. I am too focused on myself and less caring about my surrounding. After all, I'm still learning in this life! Learn to be a better person.

Oh Well...

So we are breaking up. Not officially at this point when I'm typing, but it is looking very real now. Not surprising, huh? When have I ever had a relationship that reached 2 years period at least? Sadly it is all my fault. Why did I even prolong it until this point if it was pretty "clear" it would never work out. We love each other and all, but apparently we are WAY TOO DIFFERENT to be okay with each other. I didn't know it was that big. I thought he could adjust to my normality, if you can call so. Maybe I was attracted to his abnormality to begin with? I think that's the case. So again, whose fault is it? ME.
It was not an emotional decision, although yes I'm the most emotional one in this case. Emotionally I tried to keep this relationship. Pretty stupid, cause it will again never work out. It will work out probably in my dream. I thought he could change, for me. Silly? Naive thoughts? Everybody always thought they can change someone cos they are SO SPECIAL. Well, not me chica.

Nothing can console me at this point, no one either. Somehow I am relieved I didn't get the PhD, something I really didn't really want to do anyway.

But then I'm thinking, gosh, WHY?!

WHY AGAIN!?