Quarter Life Crisis

Not sure if I've ever written bout this before..

Maybe I did.

But anyways, nowadays I have been more galau than usual.
(kapan sih lo nggak?)

It is the point when you start to think,
Have I done what I really have to do at this point?
Have I achieved things I should be achieving?
Am I successful enough compare to my peers? Friends?
Am I happy with all of these? Or do I secretly want different path of life?
Say I'm happy and satisfied at this moment, then, what's next?

Am I gonna be constantly satisfied, or will I always crave for something new? Something out of ordinary?
When am I gonna stop and just enjoy the moment?
Not looking at others' and comparing?

Life is a competition, whether you like it or not.
People will always standardized their life based on others'.
Other's success, life, achievement, so on, so on.

How much money do u make?
What do you have? House? Car? Apartment? Other kind of investments?
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Married? Have kids? Are your kids smart and competitive? What have they achieved?
Where did you get your degree? What degree? Where do you work? What is your position?
Have you traveled abroad? Which continent? Which country?
Are you attractive? What brand do you wear?

and the list is still on going....

Sometimes we just have to stop and enjoy, and be grateful.

That's why it is always good to look around those who are less fortunate than us, not to make us feel better (or maybe yes), but to remember to say thanks.

And afterall, it is just life.

Untitled

It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote.
But yea the last few weeks I had been very very very busy.
But now that the project has been finished, I'm just becoming as jobless as I could ever be.

Jobless and galau.

Why galau? Cos I haven't applied for my US visa yet, and this thing is now kinda bothering me a little.
Actually there is no big problem, it is just that I have to change my full name on the student record, which then affecting my student account, my I-20 form, hence affecting the timing for me to apply my visa.

Well it is still end of April, and I should be there at least mid August. Let me see.. it is still about more than 3 months, so I should be OK.
I'm just anxious,
nervous,
etc what you would like to call it.

I'm just afraid that somehow I would jeopardize the whole planning.

Anyway.
Despite those anxiety, I've been good.

Pretty excited for the whole thing. Have been eating a lot (I don't know why exactly), but most people would say, "enjoy that now, for you won't find smthing like that while you're there".
Well noted.

I have been training myself before I leave, by washing most of my clothes, cleaning out my apartment, even clean out my bathroom every week now.

I have also been thinking, probably I should learn how to cook some of my favourite dishes.
Hmm... we'll see.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm a lazy person or the opposite.
Cos when it comes to something I really want, I would do everything. Even the hard way to achieve it.
But sometimes for something small that I need to take care of, I would wait for as long as it can take to finish that.
Oh well..

Talking bout smthing else lately, I have been avoiding some friends of mine. Let's call them "the party friends".
While I had enjoyed spending time with them, lately (or well.. maybe around 2 mths ago already) I realized that I don't want to be involved too deep into their life anymore.
I found it too... wrong.
Everything.

While some wise people would say, well. you can hang out with em without trying to be like them.

True.

But, the more you spend time with them, the more you will think (either you realize it or not) that their "behaviour" is somehow normal.
Which, believe me, it should not be called normal.

Ah.. anyways, after I tried to stay away from them for the last 2 months, I feel healthier.
Physically and mentally.

I wouldn't say I despise em of course. It's just, I don't want to know too deep, too detail, of every wrong things they do.

OK,
I thing that's all my "unek2" for today :)
Thanks for enjoying it.
*halah*

Nervous

I think I'm having the "cold feet" moment now.
Not until the point where I'm backing out of course (duh! backing out? This had been my dream for so long).
But just to imagine I'm going to experience a totally different environment, I'm sooooo frickiinnnggg nervous!
It just happened suddenly. I'm thinking about, how am I going to live there, thousand miles from my home country, 12-13 hrs difference, without my regular salary like in here.
I mean I will get the salary from the professor, but not as much as I make here.

I know the next thing I'm going to talk about, may sound "ugh", but this is the truth.
I'm anxious about, the availability of several things.
Like...
saloon?

I will miss the time when I can get manicure and pedicure for only +/-USD10.
Waxing for only USD8-10
Massage for about the same price.

I will miss nasi padang.

Arghh!

I know it now sounds like I'm an ungrateful b*atch.

Pardon my language

Growing Up

You know..
Growing up turns out to be not that easy. Though it's still something we have to get through eventually.
It is in its disguise. You don't realize you are already trapped in the process.
Suddenly you live by your self.
Make your own money.
Have your own place.
Pay your own bills.
Arrange all of the things by your self, you have your own responsibility, of yourself.

And when you realize, you think, "hey, is it what they call growing-up? It is not that bad.. not easy too , though.

And there is that phase when you are able to control yourself more. You learn by making mistakes.
Part of the things that grown-up or adults usually say, you aren't going to listen to people when they tell you not to do things.
You will still do it.
And later, you find out that what they have been telling you, is true.
And THAT is when you learn not to do that again in the future.

And about self-control. I think I could get promoted to the next level of it.
I can now influence my own thoughts.
I can say, "no, Sheila, that's not important".
I will still think about it though,
but myself will no longer loose control to then do something I will regret.

Well, maybe.

Or maybe just because I'm busy bout something else.

The Process

So my preparation to (finally) go to school (again) is about 80% already.
I can't really say I really am going to go cause I still haven't got the visa on my hand. Well, it is still about 4 months from now anyway.

But by now I already finish up all credentials ( though every shipment of my document costs me around $60, sigh!), I told my bosses already (and surprisingly they're really supportive, so far. Well, they should, afterall I didn't ask any money from them to pay for my school).

I would really like to write about the process of me getting admitted and all of the stuffs happened, but again, cos it is only 80%, I'm afraid I will jinx it somehow :P

But I think I can just write briefly about it.

So I have always been thinking bout going back to school, but the time when I reaaallly did something was just last August 2014. That was when I finally took IELTS test. I thought, just take it anyway. Whether I'm gonna apply or not. And later in November 2014, I took the GRE.
Did I do any preparation classes for that? No. I did take IELTS course when I just graduated from ITB back in 2010 (basically cos I was jobless too for couple months), but that was it. I bought the GRE preparation book at the same year, never touched it until couple months before my GRE test.

I was almost taking the GRE preparation class, but it was around 5 million rupiah for 12 sessions. Each session will take around 3 hours. Either attend the class after work (7-10 p.m), or take it on weekend. (like, seriously?)
Knowing myself too well, I decided to just wing it. No preparation class, just do the exercises on the book.
Basically GRE is some kind of "ujian kesetaraan" for people applying to graduate school in the U.S (mainly). Usually schools in Europe won't ask for it. So the test consists of 3 main parts. Quantitative, Verbal, and Analytical Writing. I can say that I enjoy Math, so I focused on the quantitative exercises. Verbal exercise was basically hopeless. Even the American Native won't get a good score at this, so why bother trying. LOL.

In the end I got the result as what I expected. Quantitative was good, verbal sucks, analytical writing was so so. I told the professor of the school about my score and he was OK with that. I think he was more interested in my experience rather than that. But well, I'm not sure.

Anyway, back in December when I got the IELTS and GRE scores on my hand, I was still debating if I should apply or not. Cos of I decided to apply, I have to be really serious about it. Like commit certain amount of money to pay the application fee, shipment, etc. And ask for recommendation, etc.  More over, I was thinking that I only got 4 yrs of experience, why not waiting until 5 years, when I can save more money..

So I was talking to this guy at the office. He is an expat, graduated from Texas A&M. When I told him bout my "plan" to go to school again, he was excited and really encouraged me to go. But later when I was in doubt, I told him, err...maybe I'll just wait another year. 5 years sounds better for me, I said.

One thing he told me that really changed my thought at that time
"If you wait another year, I think you won't be applying at all. U don't know what will happen in a year. Say you meet a guy, or something. "

I immediately emailed the professor that night. LOL.

Annnddd... the rest is as what I wrote on this blog earlier. Or maybe I will write more about it on the next posts.
But the main point I would like to highlight from this post is, there is no such thing as "impossible" or "too much work/efforts to do".

As long as u want it so bad, and u're willing to work on it, believe in it,
You will get it.

To do list (in 4 months)

Though I reaaallly wanted to get the school admission and I even wrote it here that I didn't think I could handle rejection/failure, but in fact I hadn't had enough time to think what I really have to do when I finally leave.

So now here I am, sitting and thinking, "man... there's a lot of things to do!"

1. Go to Bandung and ask for transcript. Official one sent directly from the campus to the next campus
2. Make sure my IELTS will be sent directly from IALF too
3. Make sure I have all things sent for I-20 process
4. Finish this damned project I'm currently working on which due on Mid April *sigh*
5. Thinking bout when and how would I tell my boss and HR bout this thing (yes, I haven't told em anything yet. LOL)
6. Make sure I go/travel with some of my best friends first. I wanna go for diving trips too. I just bought complete set of dive gear and I think I wouldn't be able to use it for the next couple years. Hmm
7. Go back to hometown to say goodbye to my grandmom, little brother, friends.
8. Buy lunch to some people that helped thru all this process (recommender, supportive friends)
9. Farewell party with my party gang
10. Farewell lunch with my team at the office
11. Make sure what I have to do with my apartment, car, works
12. Thinking bout the classes I need to take
13. Thinking bout the accomodation there

anndddd yea maybe that's all for now

Can't thank You enough :)

"And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it....."