Thanksgiving

So Thanksgiving holiday is over.. We had a blast for a little bit more than a week in Elgin. Most days we spent by playing cards together (as always with BF's family), cooking, eating. BF's sister is really good at keeping our stomach full all the time. In the morning she will already prepare breakfast and everything. I'm so so so happy. My BF was always sweet all the time as always.

Returning to Colorado, however, makes my heart uneasy. Somehow I feel my love for him has become overwhelming and my insecurity was just heighten like you won't believe. There were some things that annoyed me, although it happened couple of months ago (which at that time we were not in a "committed relationship") that I just found out. It is supposedly insignificant, cos it happened quite some time ago, and to be fair, I was involved with someone else too around that time. But in particular, I am just the most jealous GF you would ever be with, perhaps. Or maybe not. I know several people (of course Indonesian) that are crazier than me in terms of jealousy.. But yea.. basically I am that hardcore if you talk about jealousy.

Anywaay... long story shorts, it was bothering me every now and then... And last night I was being so drama towards my lovely BF. Most of the times he was just incredibly sweet in responding my emotional judgment. But I somehow still pushed him to show me that he loves me more than he does, you know. Yea I'm that insecure and needing assurance every now and then.

We talked and talked almost for 2 hours, which at one point I was happy and assured already, until I was not. I was becoming more and more annoying, pushing him and kinda "testing his boundaries". It ended up pretty late (1 am his timezone) so he just said,"I cannot talk about this anymore. It is pretty late.. Maybe we can talk more tomorrow".
We just then said "night" without any "love you" whatsoever lol.

This morning I woke up with his email that is again trying to reassure me that we have a wonderful relationship and he is trying to do his best. I was still bit annoyed and such but of course I couldn't help but calling him and we ended up being lovey dovey again. In summary, I really really feel grateful for having him as my BF other than anybody else. Believe me he is far from perfect, but he is perfect enough to cope with my "craziness" and "immaturity".

Oh well... that's about it!

Homesick that turns into "not wanting to leave"

I remember last year I was very very homesick that I cried several times at night LOL. I think mostly because I was still new at this place, not so many friends yet (honestly I still don't have many friends, either, now, but I don't really care at this point), and I missed the hell out of my food (now I can eat whatever, really). I remember one of my friends commented on my "homesick" status on social media with "maybe you should get a BF there!" which now I did, and yes, that works a wonder!

Despite having a BF that I really really love and loves me back just as much, I also feel so peaceful here, you know. I remember how stressful I was back in Indonesia, which honestly due to too many stupidities I encountered there. It's so hard to get things done by people, there are always excuses, etc. Not to mention also that the traffic is just so ridiculous. I remember even though I was financially secured, I would complain almost everyday about my life in Jakarta. And I don't want to be rude, but I was annoyed by my family most of the times. I know they love me and such and they are amazing to me, but man... family is family. It's actually pretty peaceful for me to live far far away from them. I know it is wrong to say that, but that's just how I feel, frankly.

Here I feel healthier, due to I have to walk most of the times. I think the quality of food also better, supposedly. My landlord also almost always cooked healthy stuffs for us. And she loves the hell out of me, I think. Oh I didn't mention it here, but she is just so so sooo generous that she bought me ticket to Austin to celebrate Thanksgiving together with her, my BF, my BF's sister and father too (so my landlord is my BF's mom, in case I haven't said it earlier). She was super sweet. We have this routine every Sunday after church, eating at one of the diner and we always ordered the same things. One time lately she said, "OMG I'll miss this when you're gone". Awww! I'm so saddened by that :(

Anywaaay.. Yes, so despite my poverty here (obviously I never shopped in almost 2 years now), I feel pretty much happy and content and healthy and loved~

That's what makes me considering to stay by continue to PhD program. Oh well, that's another story though.... In the end I can't really see myself going back to Indo at the moment, although I would, if I got my job back. That would still sadden me a little bit, though, since I will have to live so far far away from my love...

A Hundred to Zero

This post is dedicated to this person. It's not like he is gonna read my blog, though. LOL.
Anyways, it is pretty funny how I used to be soooo into that person, that I did some stupid things in the past. He was never my BF, though. Just a friend that "kinda" escalated into a "lover". Never a serious one, as I mentioned also in the past.

If you asked me now, I would say, man I have zero feelings for that guy. Oh well maybe 5 out of 100. And that's just for the sake of the past, and also I would probably be sad if something bad happened to him cos we used to be friends, too.

I remember there were stupid moments when I really almost begged him to meet me, I bought something that he asked me to (like some merchandise of a band that he loves) and he actually planned not to pay me for that, I think. What a douche. But I did that, because I was really into him. Luckily, though, I suddenly realized that before I gave those things to him. So I didn't end up giving it to him although I have bought it. HAHA! There were a t-shirt and a lighter. I gave the t-shirt to my current BF (although I never really saw him wearing that, eventually) and I still have the lighter with me. It is actually a pretty cool lighter (zippo). So maybe I'll keep it and see if I meet someone that really would like to have it.

Anywaaay... again, it is just funny to me that a hundred can be a zero, in such an abrupt time. I remember I suddenly decided not to talk to him sometime in March when I was starting to really love my current BF. Then, right after that, I realized that I was so dumb to even relate to the "douche". But I just had so many experiences with douches in the past, maybe that's not really a surprise anymore.

Now that I stopped all communication with the douche (not because I hate him or holding a grudge, but because he has been trying to annoy me non-stop), he became a bit "crazily annoying". I had to block him from my cellphone, my whatsapp, skype etc just because he would try all the ways. Crazy. Oh BTW, if you're wondering why he's not worth it, well.. he is not. There were so many times in the past that he didn't treat me well. I would probably not elaborate it here.

Anywaaay... that's just how feelings work, I guess. Hopefully it only works for those who don't treat me well, and I will keep on loving those who really worth it!

The story of "I Love You"

I was reading some random funny stories about people saying "I love you" for the first time. It may sound like a small deal for some people, but really, for some others, it is not. Especially in the "western" world where it's pretty different in a lot of ways, I think.
Anyway, I have been dating some guys that are not Indonesian and I think it never really got to the point of seriousness that they said "I love you" except my current BF. It is pretty interesting. Even my ex that I was with for about 9 months, never said "I love you". Neither did I to him. I mean of course I loved him, but I was too terrified to initiate it. And he's always so weird that I was never really convinced that he was being real to me, you know. Now that I found a guy that genuinely loves me, I become even more sure that my ex never really loved me. Oh well, who cares now?

But it reminds me the first time my BF told me he loved me was during our phone call, probably 2-3 months after we knew each other. We always told "I miss you" to each other, at least that was what I think very acceptable at that point. So one time when he was ending our phone call, he said, "okay baby.. love you..." to which I replied with "bye..". LOL.
I was too surprised probably and wasn't expecting that at all. I thought the first time you said it at least you need some "moments", you know. Like looking at each others' eyes and etc.. Anyway after that he never said that anymore until my visit to Austin (2nd time) not long after the phone call. He was about to go to work and again he was saying goodbye and said "love you baby..".
And that was when I realized, oh you're saying that to me, not just because you slipped or something. Hahaha... Cause honestly during the "phone call" I thought he was mistaken me to his mother because I always heard him saying "love you" everytime he was ending his conversation with his mom.

Well, after the 2nd time he said that (again, in a moment where he was doing it casually rather than meaningful moments), I was then thinking, "man how do I reciprocate this??". Hahaha... cause I was not used to it at all. I was very insecure for so long because nobody really said it genuinely.. I mean my very first BF even said "aku sayang, bukan cinta", and I was like "WTF?!" Hahahaha... The perk of being an Indonesian probably. If it was said by the westerner probably would be "I care about you but I don't love you". But wait, isn't "sayang" supposedly "love"? Oh well, who cares now?

So yea, back to the time I was thinking how to reciprocate that. I think that part was a bit funny too. I think I was thinking about it too hard several times that the words couldn't just come out easily. A lot of times it ended up being a whisper and I'm not sure now if he heard that LOLOL. So basically I don't really remember my real first time saying that. But I remember we were "partying" a little bit during my visit at that time and I got quite drunk that during the night I probably said "I love you" hundred times to him. Haha.. The next day when I returned to Colorado I called him and said "I forgot what I said but I remember I said I love you like million times to you"

Him: "oh yea you did (cheeky smile that I could clearly sense from my end)"

If you're a person with faith

then most likely you will always be reminded that in life, you should not worry about a thing, for He already provided everything for you.

However, it is very very hard to keep in mind, while you're in a difficult situation. Well, especially me. I'm always worried about things. I always have to make sure that everything goes well.

Which is kinda contradicted to my blog title, right?

Seriously, Sheila, how can you tell that you believe in Him if you always worry about what the future holds?

The Past

Been spending almost a week with my love during this Fall Break.. Always a wonderful time :)
For the first time I showed him couple of pictures from my past (ex-bfs) and we also always talk about our past experiences. Which really really makes me feel grateful about my present.

My love is very very sweet he drove all the way to Dallas to pick me up to Austin. Oh how I love him so much.

Anyways, it is so odd that just today I randomly stalked one of my past, just because I was bored. This is one of the guys that I was involved with, the very rude guy that supposedly have a vacation with me in Vietnam, the Aussie guy. I just found out today that he was dead in July?!?! Man I was so so shocked. And it was not even a natural dead, you know. It is pretty scary. I don't really want to write the details cos it already makes me feel bad at the moment. Even though I always remember him as an asshole, but now I really feel bad for him and his family.

Meanwhile I was just stalking other past of mine and some of them look so happy. Which is good. I don't feel "not happy", you know. I'm glad they are not with me now and they're happy.

This moment with my bae is also very special cos for the very first time also we declared our relationship. That is really really sweet. Although we of course don't know what the future holds, remembering our relationship is pretty complicated (I will need to go back to Indo, etc). We were talking yesterday about our current relationship with our exes. Basically both of us don't really talk or keep in touch with our ex'es. Then I asked him, do you think we would still be friends if this thing didn't work? He said, well, looking at our experiences, probably not. That really makes me kinda sad, although it can be true. Why would I still be contacting him if this thing didn't work? If any, I would have a really hard time moving on from him, so it might be best not to keep in touch at all.
Although I told him, "if you didn't hurt me, then I would want to be friends".

It is pretty funny too that we are so much in love and in really good terms right now, yet we are talking about the possibility to break up and not being friends. LOL.

Oh man, I don't know what else to say. All I want to think now is how happy I am and how grateful I am right now...

The best feeling in the world

Is when you realized you can love someone that much,

And knowing that it is mutual...