Typical Me

Not really enthusiastic to write after a break-up. Haha... so far this break-up has been easy, compared to any other break-ups I've ever gone thru. One of the reason is that we are still so much in love with each other and even still in a good terms. The main problem here now is that he really doesn't want to be committed and there's nothing really I can do to change that. He thinks our relationship is WAAAY too fast for him and lately I've been kinda hinting that either we make it firm NOW or NEVER. Well, that's actually just my personality. I have always been so blinded by my feelings and really brushing everything else off. I have already witnessed a lot of things that wouldn't work if we were together. I should probably not mention it here because after all, who knows we will end up together? LOL. But anyway, the kinda funny thing is that when I told my parents that I broke up, they were SO HAPPY?!?!
My mom even said something like, "Praise the Lord! God answered my prayer."

"-___-


That's probably one thing that kinda makes me not extremely sad. If my parents love him probably that would make me even sad-er. But that's one right thing, he is not the typical guy you would be proud to introduce to your parents or even your friends. Well, my friends at least. Our world is way to different for us to be in one unity. Well, that's probably why I love him at the first place? Cause he makes me excited all the times. Never a dull moment. But dang, I'm almost 29 and it's probably not really a good time to fool around and stay with wrong guys. He said something like, "I am willing to see if it can work in a long term, we can get to know each other now." But hell, I said, I won't be waiting for him. Especially he is pretty old for me to wait for some more years. He is OK with me finding someone else along the way.

Anyway again, we still talk to each other every time and the difference is that he is now as free as a bird to be with any other people. I told him though that I don't want to know anything about that. I only want to know his other stuffs, like movie and career. Another difference is probably now I have to let it loose, like no more plans to be together eventually, not getting so cranky when he doesn't call, no more future plan based on his capability. Now I plan my future based on what sounds good for my life, like career wise etc. Actually that gives a lot of clarity of how serious I am about PhD plan. I can't even express how grateful I am now that I didn't get the PhD. I would still probably want to do PhD but not at the same school. If I would even consider to do it, I need to do it somewhere "more" and different, for a whole new experience.


Other than that, I am confirmed that I can stay until December. Wrapping up my thesis and will try to do another research and try to publish it. I've NEVER published any papers, can you believe that?? HAHAHAHA... that's probably why also I didn't get the admission to PhD program. I am also now financially more secured, hallelujah! Praise the lord! That really helps me to stay sane, buy any food I want to eat and even I now get to shop some beauty products and clothes. I am so happy. My apartment get rented back in Jakarta, which also takes off some of my burden. I somehow feel that God is truly watching me despite, you know, my ignorance most times. I am too focused on myself and less caring about my surrounding. After all, I'm still learning in this life! Learn to be a better person.

Oh Well...

So we are breaking up. Not officially at this point when I'm typing, but it is looking very real now. Not surprising, huh? When have I ever had a relationship that reached 2 years period at least? Sadly it is all my fault. Why did I even prolong it until this point if it was pretty "clear" it would never work out. We love each other and all, but apparently we are WAY TOO DIFFERENT to be okay with each other. I didn't know it was that big. I thought he could adjust to my normality, if you can call so. Maybe I was attracted to his abnormality to begin with? I think that's the case. So again, whose fault is it? ME.
It was not an emotional decision, although yes I'm the most emotional one in this case. Emotionally I tried to keep this relationship. Pretty stupid, cause it will again never work out. It will work out probably in my dream. I thought he could change, for me. Silly? Naive thoughts? Everybody always thought they can change someone cos they are SO SPECIAL. Well, not me chica.

Nothing can console me at this point, no one either. Somehow I am relieved I didn't get the PhD, something I really didn't really want to do anyway.

But then I'm thinking, gosh, WHY?!

WHY AGAIN!?

Self-control (again)

You must have heard something like, "the only one you can control is yourself". Well... aren't you doomed if you can't even control yourself, let alone controlling someone else?

I always, ALWAYS, have problems with it and never seem to learn. I always feel like I'm always jeopardizing things. I'm probably at the lowest point of my life right now and don't exactly know what to do to make it right.

Why does it have to be so hard..?

When you tried to be cool and almost exploded and he sent this....

gajadi marah (for a while~~~)

Stay

Apparently I can stay longer on my Masters, cause I still have one year funding from an International Fellowship. I didn't even apply for it. My professor did it for me and I only knew it once I got it. Isn't that awesome? Like he did it for me. Anyway... let's cross the fingers and hope for the best. Once one door is closed, another one opened, so.... I believe there must be better things awaiting.

On the side note, I've been trying to manage my emotion and ultimately my patience. Bae has been super busy lately and I probably have been cranky for the past month.
So the cycle is probably like this:
Bae is busy > me mad and get naggy > he calmed me down > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy again > me mad and get naggy > he is no longer patient plus annoyed by my forever naggyness > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy > me mad.... AND IT GOES ON AND ON

I'm getting pretty tired about it but also I don't really know what to do.. I mean at this point it's pretty pointless to even threatening to break up cos obviously it would even be much worse for me when I broke up with anyone I dearly love. So maybe...maybe, I'll just keep my shit together, try to be silent for a while. He told me several times just to be patient at least until he finished his 3rd movie (supposedly happening last November, but then of course now is March, and he said the plan now is to shoot it in June). So yea.... that's probably for the best. Keep silent. Cos if I keep on doing whatever I've been doing (nagging, and super mellow-dramatic), it will end sooner or later and it will be even more devastating for me.

At least I don't want to do that until I get settled, you know. Like in terms of degree and anything else. And afterall, you can't really control anyone else but yourself.

TRUE DAT

Oh and to even add one more reason why I shouldn't do whatever I thought is "good" to do when I was mad, I always ended up crying for hours that make me can't function on the next day.

So,,,, Sheila,.... be smart!

You can't always get what you want

So today I was told by my professor that I wouldn't get the PhD opportunity. I was stunned, grinned awkwardly, and his face showed a lot of "I'm so sorry" look. He said, "I'm sorry but I think that's not gonna happen". Now, I know it can't be any close to compare, but somehow I was thinking, "man maybe this is kinda how it feels like when you thought you were gonna live for decades more and suddenly your doctor said,"you only have couple of months left. One year top."

OK that shouldn't be any close to compare to my situation, but I'm just so surprised. I was so prepared to stay here for a couple more years, but now it seems like only a couple more months left. A part of me was relieved, realizing I don't have to deal with this shit for another 3-4 years. But also, what will happen next? What about my love life? What should I do once I'm back? I haven't even prepared to leave this beautiful place. I haven't visited most places I need to visit.

Is that probably what dying people think about? When you were told you only have limited time to live? I don't even dare to imagine. Life is pretty scary sometimes.

You can't always get what you want.... that's just how life works.

On dying my hair

Several times lately I've been thinking about dying my hair, like silverish or something, like the current trend. A friend of mine was also surprised that I didn't color my hair, which actually really has made it much healthier. She thought I colored it black, somehow. Nah uh *proud smirk*. I remember like around 15 years ago I would color my hair everytime because it was forbidden at the school, of course. You know how we tend to do something when it is forbidden, right? Now that I have all rights to color it, I kinda hesitant. Why? Because I have experienced the suffer after I did all of those things to my hair. I used to flatten my hair, too, during that time, because that was the trend *blame Sanchai from Meteor Garden for that phenomena.
And now all I want is for my hair to look bigger and wavy-er. Oh man what a trend.

Actually I haven't got to the point, where my hair was damaged so bad that it was very dry, fell off, and I even had grey hair! Now believe it or not, I don't have any. None. Still cannot be as thick as before I did all the chemical works, but it is really much better now. One thing to be sure is, you might be triggered to do a lot of things to your hair and think that it is OK. But believe me, once it starts to "get mad", that's probably the most stressful experience ever! I used to be soooo afraid just to even comb my hair cos how bad the hair was falling all the time. I was afraid to go to hair saloon and let people touch my hair. I always crawled and checked how many hairs were on the floor. Crazy time! I remember I used to pray so hard that God gives me back my hair and I promised, I would never done anything harmful to my hair, ever.

So in conclusion, I might need to just be grateful of the hair condition right now, and not even think of destroying it again!