Live the present, cherish the moment

I read a book, a good one. One of the passage told things like this (basically),

I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living now.

I love that part. Somehow it reminds me of myself. The time when I'm sad cause I miss the past. The time when I'm anxious about the future. I wrote it several times here (or maybe somewhere else) that I'm afraid when I'm happy. Cause nothing really lasts forever. But why would I be afraid? This is life. And no matter how we like or don't like it, we still have to live it.

So yea, one thing I should remember from now on is, live the present - and cherish the moment. What if it somehow finished or changed into something bad? I don't care. F it. Don't ever regret something in the past. That is what turning you into someone you are right now. Future? Don't ever let your anxiety stop you from what you want to achieve.

No matter how sad I was, how disappointed, I thank you - you - and you. Thanks :)

Self respect

I deleted every photos, emails from him. And today I found out in my folder, I still had my conversation history with him on my Microsoft Lync.

I read that through.

I found something.

Man.. Did I have any respect to my ownself? LOL. Every topic we talked about was about him and him and him. What a selfish b*stard. :p
Clearly nothing about me that he found interesting to discuss. What did I really think at that time?
I thought, well he was the one who has so many problems. Messed up. While I was okay. So I should be more thoughtful. Be a perfect gf. It's not about me. It's about him. ETC... ETC...

I was dumb, and blind, clearly. I never gave any respect to my ownself. How did I expect someone's respect towards me if I didn't even respect myself?

Recently I chatted a lot with my "new guy". LOL. So far everything's going well. Yea of course, it's new. I'm still a bit pessimistic. But well.. we should do what make us happy :) And if that (old) one doesn't make me happy, there are still others who are willingly to do so :)

Hopeless Romantic

I think that's the most suitable nickname for me :p

Most of my friends would know that Sheila falls in love every 3 hours. LOL. Get attached too soon. Too excited, blabla..

Well but that's me. Can't help it :p

Just recently met a guy.

I dunno where's this going. Just one word for now. Excited xp

Been Quite a While...

I haven't posted anything on this blog. Well I guess I have been too sad to write anything and will somehow read again the old posts.
For anyone who's curious bout the update (are u? lol), it's not good. To summarize it, the worst case I expected, it happened. And I also think I've been a really naive person the whole time. It was easy for me to trust someone based on what they said. Is it wrong to put a trust on someone?
But yea I think I've been fooled. And the worst thing I don't even get any explanation. I can only assume. And I waited. Still nothing.

But I learn so much from this. I learn that it's not that bad. Honestly, even sometimes I keep asking myself how can people do such thing to me (even I never treated em bad, at all), I'm grateful. I realize I haven't seen enough from this world. I met many new people, I know many new people. And it was EXACTLY right after I was turned down by that one. And that also made me realize, He always has a plan for me. It's a whole journey I have to take. It's a sequence. I have to take every steps to get to the last stage.

Other thing that I learned, I'm so rich. Not money wise, but I start to evaluate things again. I have a job. I have friends. I have my family. Then why I worry so much about some small part of my life that wasn't satisfying? I start to appreciate the other things I have. I love them.

Of course I haven't moved on yet. But I've been through similar thing (and worse). And I know I will pass it.

:)

Semangat!

New is Always Better

Kinda remember one of the quote by Barney Stinson on HIMYM

"New is always better"

Though it's silly and not 100% true, I think it makes sense.

And why it is better is not always because that person is better (well sometimes they are), but because of the moment.

Do u realize that in every relationship, the best moment was the PDKT moment? Of course. When the relationship has died, all you need to do is find something new.

Well.. It works so far

Fool

I think I have been a fool all this time and now it is enough.

People say "Just move on".

I did.

Life is too short to waste on someone.

Happiness

Something bothered me lately bout this topic. I think, sometimes people would define happiness (that they think of) for others. Do u get my point here? Sometimes people would feel sorry about others who did not do, or achieve, or experience the same things as theirs. And sometimes I wonder, who can really define my happiness if not myself?

Some people would think an achievement of happiness is when they are settle. Have job, have someone they are engaged to- particularly someone who's settle also. Have kids. Have house, or houses. Have their own business, so on, so on.

Some would think that is pathetic. Especially in young age. "Who would want a settle life in that early stage of life?", they said. "you haven't seen enough of this world and u already settled in?"

Doesn't that confuse you? So, am I happy now? Some would think my life is fantastic. Some would think, nah, it's not enough. You're being too safe. Some would say, you have a perfect life-but... u miss something WE THINK you need to have. And so on, and so on.

Honestly, I'm so jealous of people who can really define their own happiness without letting em affected by others' opinion. I would love to tell those people WHO THINK they know better what is good for me: Fck off and live your own pathetic life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with anyone right now. I'm just, confused.

So then now I start listing my own "happy-list". What truly makes me happy?
- I'm happy when I travel and see new things
- I'm happy when my boss think I did a great job and hand me even more serious tasks to do
- I'm happy when I get my spa package
- I'm happy when I get to shop cute things
- I'm happy when I spend time with my lovely guy
- I'm happy when I eat something really good
- I'm happy when I get to watch new movies and it's awesome
- I'm happy when I see myself in a mirror and think "I'm not that bad afterall"
- I'm even happy enough when I only sit on my couch and watch serial. At least that what makes me comfortable
- I'm happy when I meet my old friends and trade funny stories
- I'm happy when I get my salary paid

and so on

I must admit sometimes I'm happy bout something because people defined it as some achievements. Oh how I wish I did not live in this such judgmental community, how I could truly define my own happiness..

Cause in the end of the day, would they care? They talk, even when they do not care..

LDR (part 4)

Buat yang pada penasaran kelanjutan cerita LDR inih... *pede tinggi*

Actually it is exactly like what I predicted it to be. One word. Sucks.

Wkwkwk... And it's even worse cause I deal with a guy who goes to his cave A LOT. Diitung2 udah sebulanan nih LDR. Arguing-nya (bukan berantem kata saya mah, kata dia juga bukan) udah total 3x.

 My patience has been tested whole time! Tapi kok yah, masi demen aja yah? Wkwkwk...

I'm trying to stay positive whole time. It takes a lot of work. But well, maybe this is the true test afterall?

Aminkan saja. Kalo jodoh kan ga kemana ya? :">

LDR (part 3)

"So how do u feel?"
"feel what?"
"about me leaving"
"well.. I try not to be mellow" (walking away)
(reaching out, hug) "you know, I wish I had met you earlier"
(crying)

"don't cry"
"that's what I've been trying to!"

***
"I'll call you tomorrow morning. So don't make a scene downstairs. Don't cry. OK? Otherwise I won't call you (giggle)"
"...." (tears come out like waterfall) "I want to go to restroom"
"Okay"

(Inside the elevator)
(cry out louder)
"don't cry, that's not the memory we should remember"
"I knoow!! (cry even louder)"
"I knooww (mimicking) see now you even singing (laugh)"
(joining in laughter)


***
(text)
It was good to spend time with you.
Even though I was chocked up mentally
I hope the next few weeks go by fast
August is not too far away
I don't know what to say or how to express myself. It's been a lot for me to experience and go through...
Wish we had more time together, but soon


I hope so too :')

LDR (part 2)

LDRnya aja belom, tapi udah part 2. Wkwkwkw...

Okeh jadi by the time I write this, abah brangkatnya lusa T_T

Cediiihhhh huaaa :'(

Belom ampe nangis2an sih, dan kalo bisa sih ngga usah pake acara gitu2lah. Malyu. Hihi.. Walopun di kala malam melanda biasanya saya jadi galo dan mewek2 sendiri..

Saya jadi inget serial HIMYM yang (lupa season brapa) Ted pacaran sama Victoria dan akhirnya suatu saat Victoria harus pergi kerja ke tempat yang jauh, dan memaksa mreka buat putus. Di situ Marshall ngomong ke Ted, kira2 gini,
"Ted, think about it this way. If you knew that you were going to lose your leg tomorrow, would you sit on the couch and cry about it or would you run and jump and do some awesome air kicks while you still could?"

Jadi di hari2 terakhir abah kerja di Jakarta, kami justru bikin quality time dan seneng2 hepi2 aja daripada sedih2an. Dan justru di saat2 terakhir ini si abah jadi makin suwit :">

Oke sampe sini, kalo udah agak ngerasa geli2 jijay bacanya, please jangan diterusin :)) *LOL

Jadi 2 hari lalu pertama kalinya saya nemenin abah ke acara temennya. Plus one-nya lah istilahnya. Maybe some of you would say, "okay.. what's the big deal? Isn't everyone do the same while they're dating?"
Not for us, apparently.. Saya ngga pernah ngundang abah jadi plus one saya di acara siapapun, dan dia juga gitu sebelumnya. I'm sure it's not about he being ashamed of me, but more because we don't really want to be too public. Well, not we, him. Kalo saya sih sbnrnya biasa aja. Keliatan orang gapapa, ngga juga gapapa. Asal jangan keterusan aja ampe bertaun2 pacaran masih diem2an.
Kalo kata abah, dia emang orangnya private bgt untuk urusan begitu. Apalagi di depan orang2 kantor, kesannya agak kurang profesional aja kalo macar sekantor gitu. Keliatan orang lagi jalan berdua ngga papa, tapi ngga pernah bener2 officially dibawa2 ke acara gitu.

Nah, jadi pas hari Sabtu kemarin tiba2 abah bilang, "I'm going to P***'s going out party. He's leaving for his next assignment, too. Do you wanna come?"' Saya: come to your place? *belaga bego* Him: "not come to my place. Come to P***'s party with me. I'll let him know I'm bringing guest. His wife will be curious to see who that guest is, cause she always tries to match me up"

Trus gue eksaitit sih. Tapi belaga cool dikit. Kesannya akhirnya gue diakui gitu :') *sedih bet deh lo Shel*

The party was going pretty well. I think I did a pretty good job as his plus-one. Tried to be friendly enough in front of his friends who is in the same company as me. Ditambah hal2 sweet lainnya yang sebenernya pengen sih gue ceritain disini, tapi, sudahlah. Ntar yang baca makin eneg "ini lo crita apaan sih." LOL

He said he's coming on August. For one week.

Me: One week after my brother's wedding ya? Not before, cause I'm having training week before
Him: Yes. The weekend, and one week after that
Me: Are you going somewhere else or Jakarta only?
Him: Jakarta only. Hey,  I'm coming to see you

:">

LDR (part 1)

udah mayan lama juga ya saya ngga ngebacot disinih. Hihi... Sering sih kepikiran mo nulis apa gitu, tp pas keinget, lagi d rumah dan ga enak deh ngeblog pake hp itu. Jadi lupa smua deh yang mo ditulis.

Anyway busway, si abah (sebut saja demikian, berhubung umurnya jauh wkwk) udah mau pindah tugas ke Kuwait. Yes. Kuwait. Deket bgt yah? :) *sarcasm detected

Sebenernya sih dari usia 2 minggu kita kenal, dia udah ngasi tau soal kepergiannya ini. Dan dia juga baru tau saat itu juga. Tentunya dan pastinya saya siyok donk ya. WHAT?! trus maksud lo, deketin gue, apa??

Ngga deng, itu dalem ati aja. Aslinya saya cuma bilang, "hah? So what happen to this? I won't see u anymore then?"
Jadi sebenernya ketika dia ngasi tau ke saya (which is around Oktober awal), itu rencananya dia bakal hengkang Desember ato Januari gitu. Trus dia cuma jawab, "well let's see how things going between now until the end of this year. If it's something serious, then, ... But we can meet in between. Maybe Spore.. bla3x"

Eh kok ya keterusan aja abah ngga brangkat2 ampe bulan ini. Yang mana kalo diitung2 kita ngedate udah, mm.. 9 (sembilan) bulanan loh. *applause by me for me*

By the time saya nulis ini, dia brangkatnya minggu depan. *nangis bombay*

I hate LDR.
Of course.
Who doesn't?

And honestly, I'm not so sure it will work out.

Things always get messy once he's away. Saya jadi needy.. Dia jadi diem. Dan slalu jadi baek lagi pas ketemu. Itu cuma kalo ditinggal seminggu dua minggu pas dines kluar negri. Gimana kalo berbulan-bulan? *sigh

Orang biasanya jadi komentar, "lo ngga dibawa ikutan aja kesana Shel?"

Menurut L?

Gw sih mau aja sebenernya, LOL

But again, it's just 9 months. If it's still going on until 2 years, that is when I'll give more pat on my own shoulder. LDR is not for everyone, afterall.

Private vs Public

Pas baru liat judulnya saya langsung mikir, "ni orang yang baca mikirnya gue bakal ngomongin skolah kali ya?"
Nope, no it's not.
Sebenernya saya lagi mo ngomongin tipe orang.

Menurut saya, saya ini orangnya cukup public. Sangat public? Hmm ngga juga sih. Cukup aja kali ya. Saya ini cukup ember mengenai diri saya sendiri. Walaupun stelah tengok kanan kiri, banyak kok yang lebih public lagi dari saya huehehe. Untungnya public menurut saya adalah, ya , saya sering lah ya curhat ke orang. Curcol apalagi. Gampang banget deh pokoknya dikorek2 soal pribadi. Tapi saya brusaha ga ampe norak yang curcol di status BB ato wasap gitu lah ya. Apalagi status communicator di kantor wkakakak..

Yah saya palingan curhat ya face to face, ato di blog ini, ato di Path. Udah. Itu doank kok. Ga banyak.
(Yea u're right)

Anyway, si doinya gue itu malah kebalikan. Orangnya private banget (katanya sih). Katanya, ada bbrp hal yang menurut dia itu bukan urusan orang lain. Ya iya sih bener juga. Kayaknya rata2 cowo gitu sih. Coba liat di social media misalnya, biasanya yang agak hebohan dikit tu cewe, kalo cowo rata2 biasa aja. At least itu cowo yang menurut saya beneran cowo loh yaa.. Jadi walopun saya kadang suka mikir, "knapa sih cowo gue private bgt orangnya. Com2 ga aktif, socmed ga punya. Adanya whatsapp doank". Itu juga ampir gda foto sampe akhirnya gambar iMadeFace yang gue bikin, dipajang jadi potonye. Untung mirip. Wkwkw..
Tapiii in the end of the day, I would not be attracted by some guy who is as public as me. Yang dikit2 curhat, suka gosip, dikit2 update status ato apalah di socmed. Who will make me wonder, "lo, laki kan?" #osh #tajem.

Jadii... tibalah saya pada konklusi bahwa wajarlah ya kita sebagai cewe tends to be more public. Okay, sounds more like an excuse, ato pembelaan diri. Tapiii lagi, saya selalu impressed by cewe yang agak kek cowo gitu loh. More private. Kesannya, cool dan controlled gitu. I triiiedd to be one, but I think I'm not that good :p
Salah satu temen saya juga crita soal dirinya yang cukup private, misal pas dia jadian sama cowonya (now her husband). Kata dia, "mnurut aku Shel, aku mo jadian sama sapa juga, toh gue ma lo masi temenan dan gda yang brubah. Jadi ngga perlulah gue crita2. Toh kalo lo gue anggap temen gue dan ada hal yang penting, pasti gue kasi tau".

Cool ye?

But again. Ya udahlah ya. We are what we are. Don't try to be something/someone u're not. I guess. Seenggaknya brusaha ngga lebay aja :p

Ciao!

Relationship

I don't know if it's just me, but I think relationship is a really tough lesson. Mungkin SKSnya bisa dipake untuk lulus ujian kehidupan ini dan melamar ke ujian kehidupan lainnya *apeuh*

I know I'm not an expert in this area at all. I mean, I've only been in this for, err, twice. I'm not saying the more u got into it, the more expert you are. Malah mnurut saya kalo"dikit2ganti" itu berarti, "you haven't learned your lesson". That's one of the reason. Reason lainnya, "he/she (who was with you) hasn't learned her/his lesson". Lainnya ya.. "it's just not meant to be".

Why do I say "you haven't learned your lesson"? Cause like I said before, it's tough. Have you ever wondered why things are so much easier when you're with your friend, but it's not when you're with your significant others? Because almost everything, you take it personally. Ga santei. And you have expectations. That's the dangerous part.

I have learned so many theories. Read it, talked about it, understood it. Practice it? That's different story. At least I think I have become much more better person in this. Cause I want to learn my lesson. Why do I have to repeat same things over and over again and don't make any good progress?

Anyway, looking forward to accomplish this tough lesson. Fingers crossed ;p

Emotion

in the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion that's taking me over

Just recently realized that emotion is far more powerful than you can imagine.
I mean, like, nothing can hold you from doing anything based on emotion. True?

Cause emotion doesn't listen to logic, doesn't listen to the fact, doesn't listen to anything. Sometimes you can control it, sometimes you can't.
Depends on how good you can control yourself. And it requires a lot of practice. A LOT.

Cause like someone told me,
"Too much emotion makes you foolish. No emotion makes you like this wall. Nothing inside."

Bucket List

Everyone should have their own bucket list.

You know, the list of things you want to do while u're still alive (don't want to say "before you die", oops, now I said it)

While everyone also think they won't die, at least not today *good thinking. I learned it from Game of Thrones*

So they start to think , "there's still tomorrow". Why such a rush?

You know the quote that sounds a bit like this "live like there's no tomorrow". For me it more fits this way "live your life while you're still young". Yup, that sounds more appropriate. But then again other would say, "so what? why limit yourself with the number?"

Anyway, enough with this wired thought. For me, I have many things in my bucket list. Though I don't really restrict myself to that. I mean, I'm flexible. One day people would say, "let's do this! this is fun! there's no other chances or time to do this later!" then, well, why not?

As long as u're happy. But then, how you can be so sure that u're happy? *endless*

Change

This morning suddenly I thought about this. Change. And I wondered, can people really change?

Misalnya aja saya. Saya terbentuk oleh karakter2 tertentu, sikap, sifat, yang entah sudah genetik atau terbentuk oleh lingkungan. Kalo ngomongin perubahan, tentunya manusia berharap bisa berubah menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik lagi. Emang ada orang yang pengen berubah menjadi makin buruk? Though, yes, it would be much much easier that way.

I read about "you can't change someone. If you can change something, it's no one but yourself"
But guess what? Even to change my(own)self is waaaay tough!

Start from my bad habit. I really enjoy talk about people. There's always a comment I can make bout someone. Mostly I joke bout them with others. Man, I know that's terrible. I wouldn't like if someone does the same thing bout me. Can I change? I can. Would I? Not sure. Cause what? Cause that's what I enjoy doing!

If I stop doing that, that's not me. I don't think its me. I kinda feel like I lose that side of myself. Which is a bad side, but fun (o yea fun, u say?)
At least for me, that's fun.

So now let us think. What's the awful side of you that you'd like to change, but tough?

Keeping journal as part of therapy

Kalo dipikir2, ada bagusnya keeping journal seperti blog, diary, notes, ato apapun itu untuk menuliskan atau mencurahkan apa yang ada di pikiran kita. Tapi kalo buat saya pribadi, saya sudah agak "kapok" membuat tulisan2 itu terlalu "public". Halah, cem betul aja cem banyak yang merhatiin :p

Tapi bener deh, saya juga suka baca-baca lagi tulisan2 lama saya. Walopun saya pernah ngedelete salah 1 blog masa lalu saya yang pahit *duileh

Mungkin mostly perempuan ya, karna pada dasarnya we momen tend to talk, talk and talk. And since too much talk is annoying for some people, perhaps its better if sometimes we just, well, write it out instead.

Anyway, baru2 ini ada teman saya lagi patah hati. Wajar sih, pacarannya udah cukup lama, dan, selama ini dia cenderung agak "took it for granted". Sekarang di saat "pasangannya" sudah agak give up in their relationship, baru deh dia jadi patah hati dan cenderung bertanya2, "how come?" or "what shud I do to make u stay? to make u come back as what u always were?"
Kira-kira gitu.

Singkat cerita, sangking sakitnya hatinya, dia hampir berpikir untuk menyudahi, u know, this life. Perhaps some of u would think, "that's stupid". Well, for me, that is stupid, but I can understand that.
Not so many of us ever experienced broken heart. Have you? No, I'm not talking about you having a crush on someone and one day she/he changed status into "in a relationship" or "married". For me, that is stupid. How can you get broken heart from someone whom u never have?
For me, a broken heart is the experience when you used to have this loving, caring person, was *at that time* part of your life, whom u care about, spent some precious moments with you and indeed letting you know that he/she is there for you, and one day (u might saw it coming or not) turned her/his back on you.

"No. I don't love you anymore"

Man, that is broken heart. Despite any reason behind it. But for me "having third person" will definitely make the wound worse.

How does it feel, literally? It feels like someone stabs your chest over and over again, with an invisible knife. You wonder, "where the heck is the knife? I can't see it but I can surely feel it!"

For how long? No one knows. Time knows.

*ah mellow deh jadinya, xixixi :p

Jealousy

Pertama-tama saya ucapkan terima kasih yang besar kepada Google yang telah exist di masa saya hidup di dunia ini *yea you go Google!
Berkat nya maka saya bisa Googling hal terkini yakni "woman who's confident doesn't get jealous"

Oh ya, jadi setelah saya tilik, saya ini termasuk cewe yang jelesan in a relationship (hayo yang jelesan juga ngacung!).
Let's say,
- saya jeles pas dia ngobrol sama cewe (ato cewe-cewe) lain (pas ada saya, maupun gada saya tp saya liat dari jauh) dan asik gitu ngobrolnya
- saya jeles pas dia ngomongin ssuatu ttg cewe lain yang mengarah pada pujian (entah personality ato physical)
- saya jeles kalo dia makan sama cewe (ato cewe2) lain.
- saya jeles kalo dia weekend maen ke rumah temen cowonya ato spend time sama mereka, apalagi kalo nonton bioskop sama mereka
- saya bahkan jeles waktu dia bilang mo janjian ketemuan (sama temen cowonya) yang mana kadang sampe 2x dalam sehari. Seriously? R u missing him that much?
- oh iya saya jeles kalo dia janjian sama orang kantor pas weekend ( r u that close each other?)
- saya jeles kalo dia becanda2 sama mbak2 di kantor ato di cafe ato dimanapun itu
- saya jeles kalo dia pergi ke suatu acara seneng2 (yang mana saya ngga ikut)
- saya jeles kalo dia message-an entah ma sapa yang saya ga kenal dan isinya kek baek2 gitu. Padahal kalo saya baca, artinya ya dia nunjukin saya, dan artinya gada apa2 yang berarti
- oh iya saya pernah jeles sama tukang pijetnya (yang mana ternyata terbukti tu tukang pijet sebelum resign, ngaku suka ma dia, dia sndiri yang cerita)

arghh

Oh iya, anyway, saya ampir ga pernah nunjukin kalo saya jeles. LOL. Of course lah. Berdasarkan pengalaman, letting em know does not make things better. Malah yang ada kita keliatan not confident enough, insecure, dan control freak! So not cool, girl. Not cool.
Yang mana kalo dia sendiri ke saya: cool abis. Kayaknya sih ga pernah cemburu. Walopun ada 1 expat yang mayan deket ma saya trus suka dia jelek2in ("dia kan tukang mabok, bla3x..."), yang mana saya anggap itu ekspresi jeles. lol. Ge-er sih gue keknya.

Anyway, I asked him one day, "is it OK if I go eat with someone else?">> ini sbnrnya ngetes
Him: Sheila, I'm not a jealous person. Trust is earned, and it's not by being jealous

Hfft! Wish I could think like that!

Oh iya ngomongin soal jeles, padahal saya dulu benciiiiiiii banget sama cewenya temen2 saya yang suka jelesan. Kesannya, "hellooww? Gue kenal dia JAUH sebelum lo kenal dia ya! Dan, please, it's not like I want ur boyfriend or what. Be secure, b**ch, please." Ehhhh taunya sekarang saya jelesann! LOL! Tapi saya ga pernah behave any close to being jealous, kok, di depan cewe2 yang saya jelesin itu tadi. Never.

Tapi kalo dipikir2, emang, being jealous is not worth it. Cause, well, once u cheat, it's the end. So why bother being insecure over nothing?

*ngomong ke diri sendiri

Teman Makan

Di lingkungan kerja saya saat ini, saya udah cukup merasa nyaman dengan "jam makan siang". Nyaman dalam artian, saya bisa memilih, mau makan sama siapa, mau makan/ngga, dan ngga merasa 'terbebani' harus makan ma sapa. *Elah penting bener lo Shel

Eh ya iyalah penting. Dulu-dulu saya sempet agak kurang nyaman sama hal ini, karena kadang kalo udah sama si A tiap hari, jadi ngga enak kalo ngga bareng dia lagi, jadilah lama2 main kucing-kucingan, kabur aja gitu pas makan siang. Ga santai banget yah? Ya itu lah saya, mungkin agak lebay dan anti komitmen soal temen makan, hihi.
Trus saya tuh ngga nyaman kalo makan bareng orang yang ngga biasa BDD alias Bayar Dewe-Dewe. Dulu pernah barengan makan saya tuh ibu-ibu gitu, dan mungkin karna doi gengsi, jadinya suka bayarin. Tapi kan jadinya saya ngga santei yak, kadang saya juga buru-buru bayarin. Tapi itu juga kalo pas makannya di tempat yang biasa aja. Nah doi kadang suka ngajakin ke tempat yang mehel. Kalo dibayarin dia, saya gaenak. Kalo saya yang bayarin, aduh, mahal juga ya. Hahaha...

Kecuali kalo sama si dia. Emang ga pernah mau dibayarin, jadi ya sudahlahya. Saya ngga sungkan lagi sih jadinya. Kekekek.. Kadang emang lenggang kangkung bawa dompet tp gada isinya :p

Kembali lagi soal Teman Makan, sekarang-sekarang ini saya milih teman makan sesuai dengan mood. Sok banget ya? Ada yang mau nemenin aja bagus. Hahaha.. Tapi bener deh. Saya punya temen makan yang saya ajak kalo saya lagi pengen curhat tentang si doi. Ada temen makan yang saya ajak kalo lagi pengen seneng-seneng aja gapake galau. Ada temen makan kalo lagi pengen hemat, ada juga temen makan kalo lagi pengen makan enak alias mahalan dikit.

Seperti sekarang ini, saya lagi berusaha menjauhi temen makan saya yang suka saya curhatin tentang si doi. Bukan gimana-gimana, orangnya agak gloomy juga (jadi kita suka merasa senasib) yang manaaa... setelah saya pikir2, it's about the worst thing you can do when you're in that condition/state! LOL. Yang ada jadinya saya makiiin galau aja. Jadi sekarang saya lagi mau makan sama temen-temen ceria saya, ngomongin hal lain, ketawa ketiwi, dan lain sebagainya. Afterall, jam makan siang itu satu-satunya waktu terbaik dalam seharian kerja di kantor, kan? Jadi pilihlah teman makanmu sebijak mungkin ;) *halaaah

Is Love Enough?

I have recently been thinking a lot about this. There's such thing as "Unconditional Love", if you ever heard. Women tend to do it more than men, as what mentioned in "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" book. It's also probably because women tend to use their feeling more than their logic. Maybe.

Lately I've been listing several things that can be a good reason for me NOT to continue this thing right now. But everytime I think about it, I become really sad. *see? even typing about it already makes my eyes blurry in tears. Lol*

The reason I become sad maybe because I already have quite a deep feeling for this one. Well, not that I didn't have the same deep feeling for the previous one. And frankly speaking, I could move on from the last one because of this one.

So. It's kinda sad, no?

I won't write it here, about the very recent REASON that may make me quit. But honestly, it's quite a BIG one. It's not cheating or abuse things, no. It's not that.

Makes me wondering, if it were him who stands in my position, what would he do?

Pretty sure he'd walk away.

So, is Love itself enough for me to hold on?

Lama-Lamaan

Jadi inget suatu pagi saya lagi dengerin radio, waktu penyiar radionya bilang begini, "nikah itu bukan cepet-cepetan, tapi lama-lamaan"

Mak deng.

Sebenernya sih occassionnya ngocol aja saat itu, tapi tetep lumayan "nyampe" juga sih maksudnya. I mean, made sense gitu. Bukan soal marriage aja loh ya.. Tapi juga soal lain misalnya baru jadian ato apa gitu.

Kadang orang ingin menampilkan sisi kehidupannya yang sangat memuaskan, accomplishment, achievement, and everything about good things. But then, they forget what really is the meaning of it. It's not about what to show, but really what is it you're working on.

Maybe that's why some people don't really want to make things go public, so then when it's over, they don't need to hide anything from anyone.

We tend to be eager to show something off when we're proud or happy about it, but then run away and disappear when something bad happens. Or rather be ashamed and make it as quiet as possible.

*)merenung sambil mengangguk ngeliat kejadian serupa yang baru2 ini terjadi di sekitar

Comfy Zone

I think lately I've been too comfortable in my situation right now.
Got salary every month, some bonus, go shopping, and all the routines that I think quite, hmm.. safe, I can say.
Makes me forgetting what my purpose was at the beginning.
I want to go to school!

I remember my first year in this company, I told everyone I'm going to pursue master degree immediately.
Then everytime I told this idea to my parents (especially my dad), he would say, "well it's not easy to be in the state as you are in already. So, think again. Everybody thinks it's a really good achievement"
Well yeah Dad, but that's not what I want!

Actually what makes me realize again about this 'dream', is, because some people questioned about this again to me. I made a lot of excuses such as, well.. I still have to pay my apartment, bla bla bla.. bla bla bla..
In the end, one told me, well it depends on what your intention at first place. Once you already know what you want, you will do anything to make it come true. True.
Hiks.

I think I should really make a move. Start from now. I will take TOEFL and thinking about GRE course. Smangattt!!!

Acceptance

One said, you can't really change someone. If there's one thing you can change, that's only yourself.
Fairly noted.
Other said, if you love someone, you have to ignore their weakest point and focus on other good things from them. If it's concluded by one of my friends, he said, "you can either sink or swim. Meaning, you accept him as the way he (always) be, or, choose to swim away."
In other way of saying, people need to be accepted as what they already are. Well, you can communicate how you feel towards that condition, but really nothing you can do much about that.

D-vorce

Kalo ada yang ngefollow saya di Path maupun di Twitter, beberapa saat lalu saya sempat sering mengomentari pemberitaan beberapa artis yang kawin-cerai. Yah, namanya juga artis (katanya), kawin-cerai itu mah biasa..
Ya emang sih.. Tapi yang bikin saya agak surprised adalah yang akhir-akhir ini kawin cerai adalah artis2 yang notabene sudah melangsungkan kehidupan perkawinan selama bertahun-tahun. Ada yang bahkan anaknya sudah remaja.

Terus terang saya sedih kalo membaca pemberitaan seperti itu. Kenapa? Karena hal2 seperti itu jadi membuat saya berpikir.. Apa sebenernya harapan hidup berkeluarga dengan 1 orang yang sama seumur hidup itu semakin kecil?

Ada lagi orang kantor (expatriat) yang kabarnya mau cerai dari istri ketiganya (yea I know) yang beda usianya cukup jauh. Walaupun, sekali lagi, usia perkawinan mereka sudah cukup lama, 10 tahunan. Kalau kata teman saya yang lain, "well, anyway, who can be with the same person for that long?". Gausah diitung sih kata2nya dia, secara, orangnya juga sudah 47 tahun dan masih bujangan. Katanya lagi, "I don't need that. I can be with any chicks any time". *sigh

Tapi, sebenernya, kata2 dia itu ada benernya dikiiit.. Namanya perkawinan itu kan berarti yang sebelumnya lo hidup sendiri (take care of yourself only, be responsible of yourself only, do anything that you like) jadi hidup bersama orang lain. Dan ga bisa yang sekonyong2, "terserah lo, gw sih maunya gini". Mau ngga mau semuanya harus kompromi, menyamakan visi, misi, dll. Dan most of the times ketemunya orang itu lagi. Jujur kalo saya saat ini, masi iya-iya-nggak, kalo memikirkan hidup seperti itu. Bukan ngga mau, saya cuma ngga percaya diri aja. I'm afraid I'll screw it up somehow.

Suatu hari juga saya ngobrol dengan si dia. Saya bilang, kenapa ya orang jaman sekarang lebih mudah give-up on things like that? Orang jaman dulu (sebut saja nenek2 saya), pacaran ngga kayak sekarang (ngapelnya cuma diapelin ke rumah, ngbrol2 dikit), nikah, suaminya ada yang suka judi, ada yang suka marah2, ada yang main tangan, sampai selingkuh juga iya. eh.. tapi awet2 aja loh. Kalo menurut saya sih kalo namanya main tangan atau selingkuh itu udah BIG NO banget sih. Amit2lah smoga ngga sampai yaa...

Kata dia, yah jaman dulu sama jaman sekarang emang beda. Jaman dulu orang masi menganggap kalo cerai itu hal yang cukup taboo. Bagaimana pandangan orang akan seseorang yang bercerai, anaknya hidup di keluarga broken home, dst. Sedangkan sekarang, hal itu sudah cukup lazim, sehingga orang pun menjadi berpikir lebih ke kebahagiaan dirinya daripada harus berkompromi akan suatu hal yang jelas-jelas hanya memperberat hidupnya.

Hemm.. again, banyak hal yang mendasari itu semua. Kadang kita bisa menghibur diri dengan berkata "mungkin dia memang bukan jodoh saya". Mungkin. Mungkin juga diri ini yang kurang paham dengan inti dari "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death do us apart"

PMS

Seorang teman (cowo) pernah bilang ke saya,
P dari PMS itu kepanjangan dari Pre, Pas, sama Pasca. Intinya teh, cewe itu PMS tiap saat!

Haha.. boleh dibilang betul.. (tersipu malu). Kadang kalo saya lagi sensitif atau bawaannya keseell gitu, saya suka mikir, "PMS nih kali ya". Pas liat tanggal, "lah prasaan gw baru aja dapet. Wkwkwk"

Tapi hari ini boleh dibilang saya sedang cukup sensitif (sama pacar). Walaupun kayaknya dia pun ga sadar.

Kayaknya jadi lebay gitu deh, trus curcol ke temen.. Katanya, "lagi PMS mungkin?"

Hemm.. liat tanggalan, iya juga sih. Kira2 seminggu lagi dapetnya. (excuse)

Liat blog ini sbulan lalu juga saya lagi galo2 ga jelas. Nah! Bener kalo gitu.. PMS!

"Aww" moment

S: And why **** can stay here that long?

H: Bcause he is a Manager, he can stay here as long as he wants to. Hmm.. let's see, maybe I can do it when I become the same PSG as him.

S: Do u want to stay?

H: Yes. Why not. You're here

***

H: I'm thinking about a trip in June, July, August. About 3-4 trips. 

S: Trip with who?

H: The girl behind you. Who do u think I'm talking to now?

S: Huehehihii *giggling*, I didn't expect you to think bout that

H: Well I guess I have to work on it, not just sit there and expect it to happen

***

H: I don't like people gossiping. It's like they don't have another thing to do

S: Well I have problem if they're gossiping about something that's not true. But if it's true, it's okay

H: It doesn't matter if it's true or not, Sheila. If I heard people talking bad about you, I'll punch them on the face

***

Seriously, who doesn't want to squeeze this adorable creature who acts like he doesn't give a damn, but actually cares more than anyone else..

Lagi-lagi..

Well first of all I do really hope the reader of my blog are not judgemental people.. Maksudnya judgemental kalo ngeliat isi blog ini kok keknya kitu2 wae. Hahhaa... yaudahlahyaaa...

So, anyway, at this very moment I GOT to be honest that I'm not really happy. Though I know my happiness is always in unstable state. Jadi detik ini sedih, sedetik kemudian hepi.. dst.. dst

I don't really understand this, but maybe I kinda have this personality or habit untuk mengasihani diri sendiri. Ohya kalo blom pada tau, saya ini punya kepribadian lain di diri saya, yang bisa kita sebut saja Miss Wise and Miss Idiot. Miss Wise really knows what is right and what is wrong. Dia pinter banget ngasi advice ke orang lain (sebut aja masta nya dunia persilatan) dan paliiiiing benci sama Miss Idiot yang ga pernah mau dengerin dia. Well sebenernya ga bener2 gamau dengerin sih. Miss Idiot bakal bilang "ooohh.. gitu yaa.. ngerti gue.. ngerti2... oke deh" lalu semenit kemudian dia lupa aja gituh sama kata2 Miss Wise dan bakal (lagi2) bertindak seenak udelnya (yang most of the time pasti salah!). Kalo kata Miss Idiot "yaudah sih inilah diri gue, dan gue gak nyaman aja kalo ngga bertindak sesuai hati gue". Udah gitu ni Miss Wise bakal bales "tolol lo! percuma gue ngasi tau lo sampe berjam2, berhari2 ampe berbusaaa juga lo masuk kuping kiri kluar kuping kanan. Daripada dengerin gue nihhh yang udah jelas bener, malah lo nanya kanan kiri lo. Which mungkin some of them bener juga kek gue, tapi most of them are definitely dumbass kek lo. Yaudahlahyaaa, terserah deh terseraah. Tapi kalo sakit ati, I just wanna say "I told you!""

Kira2 gitu gambaran pribadi saya, yang mungkin banyak orang lain juga merasakan hal yang sama.

The truth is, I can't really help it. Ngga bisa nahan diri untuk ga bertindak bodoh itu tadi. What was even worse, saya slalu kehilangan arah, denger si A, denger si B, dan ujung2nya berubah2 state of mind aja gitu sesuai masukan mereka.

Ah, entahlah..

Typical Break-Up

1. Delete Facebook atau unfollow social media lainnya
2. Delete nomer hp
3. Buang foto2 bareng, buang barang2 yang pernah dikasih (kecuali bener2 guna)
4. Pujian2 di depan temen brubah jadi cacian
5. dst.. *mikir dulu

Isn't it funny how you feel so close to someone and adore him/her that much and want to be next to them anytime and want to hear from them everyday and feel like you gonna miss something important if you pass the day without them, and next time you just want to do CTRL-Shift-Del to them?

Love is ironic and I'm still trying to understand this kind of irony. While doing this.. I kinda realize he doesn't have any social media (good baby, good ;p), and we still don't have any pic together. I think I'm being too safe for this matter now

Anyway, until next post ;)

Like this!

Recently did web surfing until I found interesting blog

I spotted on one of the article which basically says,

Recent studies confirm a fact that many people—particularly female comedians—have known for years. When women say they want a guy with a “sense of humor,” they mean they want a guy who makes them laugh. When men say they want a girl with a sense of humor, they want a girl who laughs at their jokes.

LOL

That Line

Saya ngga biasa baca kitab suci.. Pernah dulu pas masih sekolah, brusaha baca, tp susah :p
Dua minggu lalu denger bacaan di misa minggu pagi..
Dan saya suka..

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away

One time you think you love someone, look at that line and think again. R u sure?

Thought

Saya punya blog di jejaring lain yang udah amat ga keurus. Soale pada intinya dia sistemnya follow2an gitu, jadi males aja curcol dikit udah langsung dibaca orang.. hwehehe.. nah lagi buka2 blog lama eta trus nemu postingan sinis saya yang berikut:

WHY PEOPLE SHOULD GET MARRIED?
mau share pikiran yang melesat di benak saya akhir2 ini.. knapa si org harus nikah? kalo saya nanya gini, pasti tar ada yg nanya balik, “emang napa mnurut lo org ga ush nikah?”
banyak
1. saya ga percaya orang bakal seumur idup mencintai seorang lelaki atau seorang wanita saja. yah dulu sempet percaya, skarang keknya susah utk percaya.. ~halah
2. sebenernya alesan di atas udah mewakili smuanya sih„haha..
3. oke saya cari alesan lagi.. ada hal2 yg membuat saya yakin akan poin 1, karna kalo seseorang bertemu seseorang yg dia anggap pantas jadi suami ato istrinya, dia menikah saat itu. tapi dia gatau nantinya dia akan ketemu sapa, kan? dan keharusan untuk menetap pada suatu pasangan kayaknya gimanaa gt.
4. biasanya org gakan benar2 mengenal pasangannya sebelum menikah. nah ketika sudah, nantinya jelek2nya akan ketauan, dan itu akan bikin ilfeel. tapi, karna sudah menikah, terpaksa dijalankan seterusnya (bahkan seumur hidup)
yah, sebutlah saya kurang mendalami makna pernikahan. Tapi tetep aja skarang pikiran2 itu yg memenuhi otak saya. apalagi yg menyebalkan, di kantor cowo2 oke dah pada married (haha! jadi itu toh alasannya topik pembicaraan ini!)
smoga suatu hari saya bisa mengerti.. ato mungkin tidak :)

FYI itu tulisan tanggal 27 Juni 2010
Man.. do you notice how cynical I was at that time?
Part of me masi berpikiran yang sama dengan saya 3 tahun lalu itu.. But well, let's say.. now I'm not that cynical anymore.. I do think there're still some hope in marriage. Maybe not all marriage.. But who knows maybe that's yours?

As what someone always says to me "there are 6 billions of people in the world! there's always a chance for you to find someone different"

This (Silly) Morning

S: Babe
H: Yes. Pagi
S: Pagi. U didn't reply my txt
H: Don't be mad. In-intentional.
     Un-intentional. Damn the autocorrect
S: So how was it
H: Fun. I need nights like this. Guys night. Lol
S: Glad u had fun. So did u have enough sleep?
.....
(10 min...)
.....
(20 min...)
..... *telpon ngga ya.. biasanya jam segini udah berangkat
..... *ah ntar aja deh, 5 menit lagi.. ato 10 menit lagi...
(10 min...)
..... (akhirnya nelpon juga... no answer...)
..... (nyampe kantor, blom ada balesan. Buka whatsapp, orangnya online)

S: Yoohoo
H: Hi
S: Can I call
..... (blom dijawab langsung nelpon lagi.... no answer... pikiran udah kmana2, ini knapa ngga diangkat, jangan2 kmaren pas kumpul sama temen2 cowo trus jd males ma gue.. mungkin sebel dimesej mulu.. sebel ditelp mulu.. dst..dst..dst...)

S: Alright
    R u that busy to pick up the phone
H: No. But u called at the wrong time

(riing...ring..akhirnya dia nelpon balik)
H: I was running late.. and I was scrambeled "should I pick up now, should I not" cause one time u called I was putting on my shoes. And I started scrambeled "man..what is she thinking now"
S: Cause u didnt reply since last night! and I was like..OK.. but this morning also u didnt reply
H: U said ur home, and I said "cool", what else? did u say anything else
S: Yea I said "r u having fun"
H: Well..Way to start the Monday
S: (laughing) Sorry..
H: No worries.. well.. will see u later today
S: this is so funny.. OK then

(click..)

On whatsapp Text
S: Lol. I feel silly now
H: Don't
S: Really do. Anyway enjoy ur day
H: Just wanted to let u know that I was not ignoring u. Or anything else :)
    I was not trying to make u feel silly.
    Don't
    Please don't
    Then I'll feel awful
S: Ahaha.. OK :) I really have to practice more on this. Lol



So that's my silly morning. Man... I'm so embarrassed.. 4 fricking months and I still don't trust him. Maybe I'm just always this crazy. Crap *getok jidat sndiri

Note to Myself

Pernah denger dari seseorang klo sebenernya segala permasalahan yang ada di hidup kita itu, kita tau jawabannya. Tapi teteeep curhat ke orang untuk "mencari" jawaban.

Makanya pernah ngerasa kan, "kok kalo gw ngasi jawaban atas permasalahan orang. gw jadi ngerasa expert banget ya?!

Oleh karena saya ini adalah orang yang dikit2 galau dan "seeking for reassurance", saya mau nitip beberapa catatan untuk DIRI SAYA sendiri ;p

1. Patience is number one
2. Be happy without any dependency to others. No one responsible for your happiness but yourself
3. Take things SLOW. Do you see any "too much" people who end up well? They all screwed it at the end!
4. Believe in yourself. Without TRUST, all of those things are useless.I repeat, USELESS
5. If it's meant to be, it will. Let it work naturally, don't push it.
6. You'll do it extremely well when you do all of those things above.  ;)

Am I crazy for doing this? LOL. I supposed so.

Resolusi? Anyone?

Udah ampir tengah Januari dan baru mau nulis resolusi? Apaah?

Hemm.. Jadi setelah saya pikir2, saya gamau resolusi macem2 yang nantinya ngga kesampean.. Jadinya, kira2 "bayangan"nya aja mau kayak gimana *ya apa bedanya

Kira-kira saya mikir taun 2013 ini saya HARUS dan WAJIB belajar 1 bahasa lagi slain Inggris. Awalnya sih mikir mo blajar Spanish karna keknya gampang. Tapi oh tapi, mengingat si doski bisa bahasa Prancis, dan saya takut nantinya dia ngomongin saya di blakang pake Frongseh, jadi keknya saya blajar bhs Prancis aja deh. Bihihi.. Lagian romantis gitu ngga sih kalo kita mo ngomong private trus switch ke Prancis (mnurut lo aja keknya Shel)

Intinya sih saya pengen bisa bahasa lain. Inggris keknya udah biasa. *tsah

Resolusi lain, eh.. Bayangan lain maksudnya, saya pengen mikirin rencana s2 saya lagi (cuma sampe tahap mikirin). Ini gara2 beberapa orang masih suka nanyain, yang membuat saya terbata2 menjawabnya. Haduh gatau deh..

Lalu lalu.. mo apalagi ya.. Terus terang nih akhir2 ini saya kok ngga seberapa "eager" dengan karir saya ya.. Ini gawat kayaknya sih. Kalo kata orang "once lo udah punya bayi, lo bakal ngga sgitu ambisinya sama karir lo"
Nah ini gw belom punya bayi kok. Suami juga belom. "Baru" punya pacar doank udah ngga semangat kerja gini. Ckck payahnya T_T

Well.. kalo taun ini juga saya ga semangat2 amat ngerencanain liburan kayak taun lalu. Masalahnya, kapan nabungnya buu? Ada rencana liburan kecil2an sama si dia. Tapi entahlah.. Gamau banyak berharap trus ntar ga jadi *pdhal tetep ngarep banget

Apalagi ya resolusi lainnya? Kok feeling saya 2013 ini bakal jadi tahun yang sulit yah. Hehehe,, smoga sgalanya lancar :') Semoga