I feel bad about myself for having a "burden" feelings more when I spend money on somebody else, compared to if I would have spent it on myself. Have you ever felt that way too? For example, when I am looking to buy a gift for my friends or family, as much as I want to buy those things for them, if it was rather expensive, I'd think about it over and over again, and justify it inside my head, "That's OK, the person receiving it will be very happy". That's the whole point. The assurance that that particular person will be happy for receiving the gift, is the only reason that is worth the money.
Different story if I spend the money for myself. Well, I have to have enough money too, of course. But it would be easier. When I like something or want something done to me, I'd have no second thought. I enjoy myself giving such treat to me. Yes, me. It is all about me. Do I really love myself that much?
Anyway... lately I've been spending so much money, regardless no "big income" like I used to get when I did my internship. Heck, those moments were like 4 months ago. And here I am still splurging like there's no tomorrow. I'm currently in Austin with my so called BF (for 3 weeks now) and all I have been doing is spending money like a tourist. Lately also I have been browsing furniture (mainly mattress and sofa) for my new apartment in Bakersfield. It's crazy how expensive it can be and I even sorta plan to buy the high end one. I think this is an euphoria effect. I just changed my mind, though. I will still buy a good one, but not the best one. Too crazy to spend money on that kind of things. Heck, I should save more money, not keep on spending it!
I kept also reminding myself and cheering myself, there is a salary, sign-on bonus, and tax return that I will get early next year (~1month). So I shouldn't be too worried. LOL. Excuse, excuse! My credit score (at the bank) is getting lower now due to my spending (with lesser income). But you know what, there are more people that are really bad in their finance, compared to me (another excuse!).
I remember the first month I did my internship, a fellow intern of mine (an LA girl) paid off her credit card balance which left her have no more money left lolololol... That's so crazy. I said to her, "we all got the allowance, right? That's a lot of money!". But she said everything goes to the credit card payment. Lol. Gosh whata girl.
Anyways, I just bought something for someone and I just felt glad I did despite the pretty high price. Afterall, it's a Christmas season, a season of giving :)
Monday, December 11, 2017
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Finally finished it
3 days ago, I passed my Master's thesis defense. When that happened, it felt surreal. Happiness didn't really kick in until recently. Looking back, it has been pretty crazy, you know. I know some people might experience an even harder one, bcause some of them have other responsibilities outside the study itself, such as having a family to take care of, etc. I have been just by myself all this time, although yes, I have told my story about being so struggling here when I didn't have enough money most times.
The other hard parts are when oil price is low, you didn't have any internships or job offer, and people start underestimating you. I was so sure they did. When I finally got an internship and even a job offer, oh my God, people start treating me differently. They were somewhat nicer and more respectful. Isn't that crazy?
Anyways, not only that part that was hard. Overall, everything was pretty hard. Courses were pretty hard in terms of the assignment load, and I really wanted to get a GPA of 4.0, although now I ended up having a 3.95 or something. But the conclusion is, I don't want to repeat this process, LOL. Enough is enough. I'm so tired of being a student and have to do all of the assignments. Gosh... And not even paid well (Duh, of course, who do you think you are!?).
Anyway again, now I'm just chilling... A bit sad thinking that I have to leave Golden..... But life must go on, just like... always....
Cheers to the next adventures ahead!
The other hard parts are when oil price is low, you didn't have any internships or job offer, and people start underestimating you. I was so sure they did. When I finally got an internship and even a job offer, oh my God, people start treating me differently. They were somewhat nicer and more respectful. Isn't that crazy?
Anyways, not only that part that was hard. Overall, everything was pretty hard. Courses were pretty hard in terms of the assignment load, and I really wanted to get a GPA of 4.0, although now I ended up having a 3.95 or something. But the conclusion is, I don't want to repeat this process, LOL. Enough is enough. I'm so tired of being a student and have to do all of the assignments. Gosh... And not even paid well (Duh, of course, who do you think you are!?).
Anyway again, now I'm just chilling... A bit sad thinking that I have to leave Golden..... But life must go on, just like... always....
Cheers to the next adventures ahead!
Friday, November 3, 2017
A week before defense
Mixed feelings. I don't want to postpone it (obviously). I just want to get it done sooner than later. Can you believe that supposedly all of these burdens will be over in a week?
Gosh...
I know sometimes I complain (human nature) about school life, which surprisingly was my biggest dream to pursue. Again, I cherish this moment so fricking much, but enough is enough. I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I want to graduate and start working again. Maybe, maybe, because my main goal is money. Yea maybe that's why. If being a student pays a lot, then I will choose this job any day.
But seriously, again, how can I complain? My life these past two semesters has been pretty easy peasy. I wake up late everyday. No classes anymore. Just do research, write, consult, re-write, etc. I really should not complain. But I'm just so done with my project.
One day I will miss all of these moments for sure. Being in the most beautiful place surrounded by the mountain, bluest sky, freshest air, no kids (LOL), no traffic, can go to gym everyday and exercise without hesitation, go to the nearest river close to the house. Gosh.... how dare did I ever complain? I love this place and this moment so much and I will remember it forever.
Gosh...
I know sometimes I complain (human nature) about school life, which surprisingly was my biggest dream to pursue. Again, I cherish this moment so fricking much, but enough is enough. I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I want to graduate and start working again. Maybe, maybe, because my main goal is money. Yea maybe that's why. If being a student pays a lot, then I will choose this job any day.
But seriously, again, how can I complain? My life these past two semesters has been pretty easy peasy. I wake up late everyday. No classes anymore. Just do research, write, consult, re-write, etc. I really should not complain. But I'm just so done with my project.
One day I will miss all of these moments for sure. Being in the most beautiful place surrounded by the mountain, bluest sky, freshest air, no kids (LOL), no traffic, can go to gym everyday and exercise without hesitation, go to the nearest river close to the house. Gosh.... how dare did I ever complain? I love this place and this moment so much and I will remember it forever.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
My poor life
The first 2 years I was here, I was always wondering why I can't gain weight. I felt like I ate enough. Now? I can't even lose 2 kgs! LOL.
Now I know why. Basically last 2 years I was in a very poor life. Not kidding.
1. I could barely eat out. I will really really think 1000 times before deciding to eat out with my friends. Even one time I got so hurt when my friend was asking why did I care if I spent money on eating out. I was like, "helloo?? I don't have money, chicca. Which part did you not get from that?" I had it in my mind, of course.
2. I could barely spend money on filling my gas. Everytime I wanna drive somewhere far, I thought about how my gas will run out fast and I wouldn't be able to buy it again.
3. I could barely shop on anything. Literally. One time I really really wanted to buy a sweater that costs $15. I couldn't buy it. Sad, huh?
4. I bought the cheapest skin product. And my face skin was horrible. I feel bad about it, now I really spoil my face!!!
5. I couldn't afford a parking permit at school, so I had to park somewhere far away from the building and had to move my car every 2 hours (the max hours). Maybe that's why I was skinny as well!
Now that I can afford most things, I just cannot lose weight at all. Hahahahahaha... Crazy! Always take and give, huh? You gain some and lose some. But I'm just glad I am not struggling anymore. It's always frustrating, especially when you cannot eat what you want because you don't have money. That's the saddest part, for me. I will never forget it!
Now I know why. Basically last 2 years I was in a very poor life. Not kidding.
1. I could barely eat out. I will really really think 1000 times before deciding to eat out with my friends. Even one time I got so hurt when my friend was asking why did I care if I spent money on eating out. I was like, "helloo?? I don't have money, chicca. Which part did you not get from that?" I had it in my mind, of course.
2. I could barely spend money on filling my gas. Everytime I wanna drive somewhere far, I thought about how my gas will run out fast and I wouldn't be able to buy it again.
3. I could barely shop on anything. Literally. One time I really really wanted to buy a sweater that costs $15. I couldn't buy it. Sad, huh?
4. I bought the cheapest skin product. And my face skin was horrible. I feel bad about it, now I really spoil my face!!!
5. I couldn't afford a parking permit at school, so I had to park somewhere far away from the building and had to move my car every 2 hours (the max hours). Maybe that's why I was skinny as well!
Now that I can afford most things, I just cannot lose weight at all. Hahahahahaha... Crazy! Always take and give, huh? You gain some and lose some. But I'm just glad I am not struggling anymore. It's always frustrating, especially when you cannot eat what you want because you don't have money. That's the saddest part, for me. I will never forget it!
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Poligami
Akhir2 ini sering baca artikel tentang ibu2 yang menentang poligami. It is not really related to me (not in my religion) so I can't really comment on the basis of it, obviously.
But I'm very intrigued to make a comment as a common human being. Now, being committed to one person or more is something else. I know people that are like that. Or actually, there are a lot of people like that in the world. Heck my bf is very into open relationship (loving more than one person).
The issue with polygamy, though, in my opinion, is... why the heck you (man) can be with more than one person, while your wife/partner can only be with you? How in the world does that sound fair at all?
Now in all fairness, maybe, maybe... again this is just my personal opinion which may be right or wrong, maybe it is slightly fine if this guy is the source of everything. Like financially, etc, etc. So, there is no options, really. Unless the wife wants to start taking over and find the financial source as well, or maybe juts opt for divorce or whatever. But, if the wife, can also work by herself and feed the family just as much as the husband, wouldn't it be fair if both can be with anybody else?
My point is, don't be a jackass. If you are OK with however you are treating others, then theoretically you should accept being treated the same way!
But I'm very intrigued to make a comment as a common human being. Now, being committed to one person or more is something else. I know people that are like that. Or actually, there are a lot of people like that in the world. Heck my bf is very into open relationship (loving more than one person).
The issue with polygamy, though, in my opinion, is... why the heck you (man) can be with more than one person, while your wife/partner can only be with you? How in the world does that sound fair at all?
Now in all fairness, maybe, maybe... again this is just my personal opinion which may be right or wrong, maybe it is slightly fine if this guy is the source of everything. Like financially, etc, etc. So, there is no options, really. Unless the wife wants to start taking over and find the financial source as well, or maybe juts opt for divorce or whatever. But, if the wife, can also work by herself and feed the family just as much as the husband, wouldn't it be fair if both can be with anybody else?
My point is, don't be a jackass. If you are OK with however you are treating others, then theoretically you should accept being treated the same way!
Friday, October 6, 2017
Reminiscing
Today suddenly I was reminiscing the feelings before I came here in the U.S. I was never living somewhere totally stranger to me. Well, maybe the very first time was when I moved to Bandung from Malang. But even that, I still had some people I knew already (some friends from Malang also moved to Bandung, although I was not that close to them). Anyways.... That was different. Still pretty challenging, but nothing like me moving to the U.S.
Imagine you moved to a country very far from your home. Nobody there you knew before. You didn't know the law, regulations, cultures, etc etc. And then nobody are responsible for you. Meaning, all the income/spending totally on you. Nope, my parents did not help me financially at all. Which makes sense. I already worked before that anyway. Butttt... I quit working, no more income like that. Yes I had scholarship, but that scholarship was just enough. Really really tight spending on anything. I remember I couldn't really eat out without thinking how much money left I had in my bank account. I didn't have savings. That money I used to have, there would be no way I could ever spend on anything extra. Well, sometimes I still traveled to Austin to my BF, but we can't really spend money on anything either, there.
And yett, now, I belong here. I want to be here. I want to stay here like a tree. Grow all my roots into the ground so nobody can ask me to leave.
I'm so proud of myself to get this far. I don't always like me, but I realized this is not easy. It has never been easy. And I made it through. Baby steps, to the success. Thanks God. I know You are behind all of these.
Imagine you moved to a country very far from your home. Nobody there you knew before. You didn't know the law, regulations, cultures, etc etc. And then nobody are responsible for you. Meaning, all the income/spending totally on you. Nope, my parents did not help me financially at all. Which makes sense. I already worked before that anyway. Butttt... I quit working, no more income like that. Yes I had scholarship, but that scholarship was just enough. Really really tight spending on anything. I remember I couldn't really eat out without thinking how much money left I had in my bank account. I didn't have savings. That money I used to have, there would be no way I could ever spend on anything extra. Well, sometimes I still traveled to Austin to my BF, but we can't really spend money on anything either, there.
And yett, now, I belong here. I want to be here. I want to stay here like a tree. Grow all my roots into the ground so nobody can ask me to leave.
I'm so proud of myself to get this far. I don't always like me, but I realized this is not easy. It has never been easy. And I made it through. Baby steps, to the success. Thanks God. I know You are behind all of these.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
State of Mind, State of Life
Couple of days ago I finally received the offer letter from the company that is looking forward to hire me. So frickin happy, and then... faced by the fact that I'm still working on my thesis draft. FML. LOL.
Got edits from one of my professor, and actually the things he edited or commented are the things I knew I kinda messed up or intentionally skipped without adding clear details. Which actually usually works for some people (my other professor never paid attention to such details like equations and some shit). But this one does. Gosh.......
Can I just graduate pweaaase??? Pretty pweaaasee...? I just want to work, get paid decently (way more decent than I've ever been) and have funnn?
I realized I'm a spoilt mothafucka.
Got edits from one of my professor, and actually the things he edited or commented are the things I knew I kinda messed up or intentionally skipped without adding clear details. Which actually usually works for some people (my other professor never paid attention to such details like equations and some shit). But this one does. Gosh.......
Can I just graduate pweaaase??? Pretty pweaaasee...? I just want to work, get paid decently (way more decent than I've ever been) and have funnn?
I realized I'm a spoilt mothafucka.
Friday, September 22, 2017
Those Excuses
Maybe I'm just naturally a hateful person or what, I dunno LOL. But somewhat it irritates me how people would make excuses, like, "why did I choose this life path instead of (....)".
If you know what I mean. If you love your life then good. Why do you even try to justify it to people or society?
I think if you need to justify it then you actually don't quite feel that way....?
That's like one of my friend who sometimes post about how awesome her life is now even though she kinda miss the old life she had.
And then some random days she would message me, "I'm so jealous of you.."
Like.. what?! LOL.
Again, if you love your life then awesome. I don't need to be convinced by your "excuses", why your choice is better than everybody else.
If you know what I mean. If you love your life then good. Why do you even try to justify it to people or society?
I think if you need to justify it then you actually don't quite feel that way....?
That's like one of my friend who sometimes post about how awesome her life is now even though she kinda miss the old life she had.
And then some random days she would message me, "I'm so jealous of you.."
Like.. what?! LOL.
Again, if you love your life then awesome. I don't need to be convinced by your "excuses", why your choice is better than everybody else.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Ambitious but not workaholic
That's how I think about myself. I dunno if other people would think the same or not. Cos honestly even when I was working, I did a lot of other things most times (i.e: playing with my phone, browsing, etc).
I always wake up late. Recently above 9 AM. Hell no to wake up too early in the morning.
I'm lazy. But I'm ambitious. I know the line where I have to say no to my laziness and start to work my ass off.
But I'm not naturally a workaholic. I don't enjoy being too busy. I like to have many spare time for myself.
Imagine if I have kids (which people say you won't be having enough sleep at all). Dang I'd be crazy.
I always wake up late. Recently above 9 AM. Hell no to wake up too early in the morning.
I'm lazy. But I'm ambitious. I know the line where I have to say no to my laziness and start to work my ass off.
But I'm not naturally a workaholic. I don't enjoy being too busy. I like to have many spare time for myself.
Imagine if I have kids (which people say you won't be having enough sleep at all). Dang I'd be crazy.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Moving on and never look back
So I think I have written a lot about an ex of mine from around 2012-2013 that had to move abroad for work and then went missing. And then he came back, and went missing again. I also sorta wrote it here about how recently he came back again and called me, texted me and such.
When that happened, although I didn't really feel the same way anymore, I still thought maybe there's still chance between us. Maybe there's something good. Maybe. Maybe. Always positive thinking about love things and well...I kinda remembered how I felt long time ago. I was head over heels.
Anyway, these couple of days (or weeks even), he had been texting me almost everyday. Most of the stuffs he brought up were just really really simple stuffs, like asking what am I doing, what am I going to do, on repeat. Which kinda makes me annoyed. Like, dude, I have plenty other things to do beside responding to your empty texts. Other things he would bring up was just "our things" in the past, which I should remind you (and myself), that these "pasts" were about 4-5 years ago. DUH. I have experienced A LOT of other things and many other potential partners in those 4-5 years. I haven't really thought about you only.
So that was annoying me too, the fact that some of his approaches to me kinda seemed like he thought I can still easily fall back into him. Like he can just show up out of nowhere, praising me a little bit here and there (yes, he mentioned how beautiful I am, how talented I am, etc etc numerous times, which I had no idea what for), and also he would mention some things in the past, like the songs we used to listen to, etc. And I really didn't respond like he expected I would respond. Maybe couple of years ago I would be too excited that he even contacted me. But now? DUDE. BACK OFF. I have no feelings toward you anymore, plus you have been nothing but a jerk during these past 4-5 years. I am just nice enough to not call you any inappropriate names.
It didn't really kick in until recently when his texts were just like one word here and there (and for the note, I didn't text first, never) which reminds me how he works. He likes to do these things to me and I would basically beg for his responses, by trying to be chatty and fun. Not happening anymore, sorry.
Last time also he asked what I was doing and I said I was out drinking with my friends (he doesn't drink due to religious reason), and his response was suddenly kinda "annoyed". Like he also said "I don't think drinking helps with your jetlag". Ummm, sorry, it's none of your business.
Final knock out was 2 days ago when he again texted me pointless text "what are you up to?" to which I replied "shopping and going to cook. BTW, why are you texting me almost everyday now?".
He then replied that he will stop bothering me. Gosh what a weirdo.
Anyways, I then just remembered all the bad stuffs happened between us that it would be totally foolish for me to even go back to that moment again.
Goodbye my past lover..... I'm glad I didn't end up with you...
When that happened, although I didn't really feel the same way anymore, I still thought maybe there's still chance between us. Maybe there's something good. Maybe. Maybe. Always positive thinking about love things and well...I kinda remembered how I felt long time ago. I was head over heels.
Anyway, these couple of days (or weeks even), he had been texting me almost everyday. Most of the stuffs he brought up were just really really simple stuffs, like asking what am I doing, what am I going to do, on repeat. Which kinda makes me annoyed. Like, dude, I have plenty other things to do beside responding to your empty texts. Other things he would bring up was just "our things" in the past, which I should remind you (and myself), that these "pasts" were about 4-5 years ago. DUH. I have experienced A LOT of other things and many other potential partners in those 4-5 years. I haven't really thought about you only.
So that was annoying me too, the fact that some of his approaches to me kinda seemed like he thought I can still easily fall back into him. Like he can just show up out of nowhere, praising me a little bit here and there (yes, he mentioned how beautiful I am, how talented I am, etc etc numerous times, which I had no idea what for), and also he would mention some things in the past, like the songs we used to listen to, etc. And I really didn't respond like he expected I would respond. Maybe couple of years ago I would be too excited that he even contacted me. But now? DUDE. BACK OFF. I have no feelings toward you anymore, plus you have been nothing but a jerk during these past 4-5 years. I am just nice enough to not call you any inappropriate names.
It didn't really kick in until recently when his texts were just like one word here and there (and for the note, I didn't text first, never) which reminds me how he works. He likes to do these things to me and I would basically beg for his responses, by trying to be chatty and fun. Not happening anymore, sorry.
Last time also he asked what I was doing and I said I was out drinking with my friends (he doesn't drink due to religious reason), and his response was suddenly kinda "annoyed". Like he also said "I don't think drinking helps with your jetlag". Ummm, sorry, it's none of your business.
Final knock out was 2 days ago when he again texted me pointless text "what are you up to?" to which I replied "shopping and going to cook. BTW, why are you texting me almost everyday now?".
He then replied that he will stop bothering me. Gosh what a weirdo.
Anyways, I then just remembered all the bad stuffs happened between us that it would be totally foolish for me to even go back to that moment again.
Goodbye my past lover..... I'm glad I didn't end up with you...
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Upcoming dream comes true..
This is the other part of my life that has been repeated again. The part where I know I'm that close to my dream. Mixed feelings. Excited (for sure) yet scared. Scared of what? Many things. Scared of failure (amit-amit jabang bayi), scared of a change. Changes. Again, something new. That's what I learn about me. I'm always scared about changes, yet I'd die without it. I would be so extremely miserable if I was stuck in the same place for a long time without any improvement.
Now I'm ready for new life that is coming for me. Work life. *fingers tightly crossed*
I like to plan what I would do once I get to that point:
- Find a new place and furnish it based on my absolute taste. I have never had that chance before, I just never had the money. Even after I started working 7 years ago, my salary was not enough for me to do a lot for my own place and its furniture (that will be exactly my taste).
- Plan trips again! Finally! I haven't explored any new countries in years now. Gosh.... I really really really hope next time I can really go to Europe
Honestly those two things would probably be the essential ones. Nothing else I really desire to do after starting my new job. God please help me graduate as soon as possible.. :)
Now I'm ready for new life that is coming for me. Work life. *fingers tightly crossed*
I like to plan what I would do once I get to that point:
- Find a new place and furnish it based on my absolute taste. I have never had that chance before, I just never had the money. Even after I started working 7 years ago, my salary was not enough for me to do a lot for my own place and its furniture (that will be exactly my taste).
- Plan trips again! Finally! I haven't explored any new countries in years now. Gosh.... I really really really hope next time I can really go to Europe
Honestly those two things would probably be the essential ones. Nothing else I really desire to do after starting my new job. God please help me graduate as soon as possible.. :)
Monday, September 11, 2017
Staying in the U.S
It is funny sometimes how life works. One minute you were in the most down part of your life, and the next minute you are at the top of the world. I think that is what happened to me. Last year I was at my worst condition. I mean, in terms of financial. Also everything didn't look promising to me. I was thinking what would happen next? Will I be able to stay in the U.S? How would I do that? By continuing PhD program? Or maybe by getting married? LOL. The later one does sound pretty crazy, although possible. Maybe very very small chance, though. Work opportunities was very very slim, I didn't even know if that may exist. No company would even glance into my CV, me being an international student.
You would ask, why? Well, first off, this is not my country. Second, oil price was very low. Third, why would they hire me if they would end up needing to sponsor for my working visa? That sounds like a lot of work, indeed. That's why at that time PhD sounded like the only option for me if I wanted to stay here. Although now looking back I would cringe. Seriously, even Masters now I'm already exhausted. I just want to graduate and go back to make money again.
Sometimes I'm amazed about how God works in my life. I feel so lucky a lot of the times. Miracle suddenly happened the start of this year, when the manager of my consortium sent email to us (the students) about an internship opportunity. I of course was pumped to apply. And you know what? Almost nobody took a look at that opportunity. Because almost all of them have gotten internships somewhere else. They even kinda laughed at this one because they never heard of the company before, and it is also located at the worst place of California. I didn't care. I only wanted a job, no matter where it is. In the end it was only me and another PhD student that apply for this internship. We both got the interview, which I was really not sure that I did well. Apparently I did. They decided to give me the internship, and even better, the offer is a lot higher than other students in my consortium got. Crazyness.
I worked my ass of during the internship, while some other people (including my intern friends) would sometimes complain about how much work was demanded from them. I was thinking, "dude, do you want a job or not? Don't whine you crying baby. Oil&gas is not doing that well for you to pick and choose."
I got the job offer from the company. Full time position. Still very much related to my background & experience. And they would even sponsor my working visa right away.
Yes, me. The international student at the worst price of oil. It was like 0% chance of getting a job. It's crazy how life works, eh?
You would ask, why? Well, first off, this is not my country. Second, oil price was very low. Third, why would they hire me if they would end up needing to sponsor for my working visa? That sounds like a lot of work, indeed. That's why at that time PhD sounded like the only option for me if I wanted to stay here. Although now looking back I would cringe. Seriously, even Masters now I'm already exhausted. I just want to graduate and go back to make money again.
Sometimes I'm amazed about how God works in my life. I feel so lucky a lot of the times. Miracle suddenly happened the start of this year, when the manager of my consortium sent email to us (the students) about an internship opportunity. I of course was pumped to apply. And you know what? Almost nobody took a look at that opportunity. Because almost all of them have gotten internships somewhere else. They even kinda laughed at this one because they never heard of the company before, and it is also located at the worst place of California. I didn't care. I only wanted a job, no matter where it is. In the end it was only me and another PhD student that apply for this internship. We both got the interview, which I was really not sure that I did well. Apparently I did. They decided to give me the internship, and even better, the offer is a lot higher than other students in my consortium got. Crazyness.
I worked my ass of during the internship, while some other people (including my intern friends) would sometimes complain about how much work was demanded from them. I was thinking, "dude, do you want a job or not? Don't whine you crying baby. Oil&gas is not doing that well for you to pick and choose."
I got the job offer from the company. Full time position. Still very much related to my background & experience. And they would even sponsor my working visa right away.
Yes, me. The international student at the worst price of oil. It was like 0% chance of getting a job. It's crazy how life works, eh?
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Expired feelings
So my ex wished me happy bday last July 26th, after missing (again) for almost 2 years. Typical him, and I don't even care anymore. Silly thing is he wished me using the same template as he had been usung in the past. So much for a creativity, huh? Anyways, I only replied "thank you!" without asking him anything, LOL. Pretty badass of me, right? I mean, I was head over heels for him, but now, man, it has expired. And actually, I'm so glad about that, because he is just the worst. I don't even understand how a person can be so weird like that. So after I replied thank you, he didn't say anything anymore until yesterday, when he suddenly texted me again "are you still in CO?". So I replied and we were engaged in quite long conversation. Oddly for me, now, I really lost my feelings, so everything I said (or wrote) was just based on curiosity. No expectations, nothing. I asked if he had been with anybody, and he said no. Gosh, what a liar! LOL. I don't understand why he needs to lie all the time. I know what kind of man he is, there is no way he hasn't been with anybody else these past 4 years. But, well, who cares now?
On another note, same thing just happened with another ex (if you can call so) of mine. I called it quit because I realized how big of a jerk he has been. I was just too blind for a while. He recently insisted on meeting up with me in Jakarta which I refused over and over again. Annoying piece of crap *rolling eyes*.
In conclusion, it is funny how deliberating it is to finally have my feelings expired towards someone that had hurt me in the past. Knowing that they still try their best to get back to me (and perhaps hurting me again) is just making me so pissed. Afterall, who do they think they are?
On another note, same thing just happened with another ex (if you can call so) of mine. I called it quit because I realized how big of a jerk he has been. I was just too blind for a while. He recently insisted on meeting up with me in Jakarta which I refused over and over again. Annoying piece of crap *rolling eyes*.
In conclusion, it is funny how deliberating it is to finally have my feelings expired towards someone that had hurt me in the past. Knowing that they still try their best to get back to me (and perhaps hurting me again) is just making me so pissed. Afterall, who do they think they are?
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Why do I prefer living in the States
Recently I got asked this question by some people. I've never really listed the answers, I only knew I didn't want to go back to Indonesia unless no options at all for me. So now I will try to list it.
1. No one is too nosy about your life. You want to be gay, having kids without marriage, not married without kids, etc you name it. It will be much less judgmental community compared to Indonesia. Not that I want to be doing all less-morality things, but life is hard already without people thinking their opinions are needed in somebody else's life. We will all die eventually. Why don't you mind your own business?
2. Less dumb people. I know this sounds harsh, but true. Well, we know anyway that Indonesia is a developing country, while US is already developed. It feels like the US people understand everything a lot better. Common sense, etc. I'm struggling to deal with dummies, I'm impatient like that. I can't handle looking at people that can't wait in line (antri), can't handle people spending hours inside an ATM (dude, ATM is mainly for withdrawal, everything else you should do it online or at the bank!), can't handle people standing very close to the baggage carousel (seriously, what's the point), and many more! I know it is wise to educate others, but I just give up.
3. People got valued based on their merits. I already realized this when I was still in Jakarta and employed by American company. My bosses are typically open to value my work, etc. They also don't feel superior to anyone under them (another opposite thing to Indonesian bosses typically). But now when I live in the US, I feel that even more. When you're good, you will be successful. Generally nobody will consider your family background (politics) or your religions, gender, etc.
4. People are walking towards equality. The struggle I have when dating an Indonesian, is that they usually think that women are lower than men. OK maybe not all. But that's is the common thing. Which leads to them feeling intimidated when a girl is successful. For me that is dumb, and once again, I can't handle that. Meanwhile in the US, people can be anything they want. You want to be successful? Work hard and earn it. You're a woman? Good for you!
5. I feel more capable and independent. I know it is a lot of hassle that most people can't afford a helper here. Heck I would choose to have a helper any time! But also I feel that a lot of things here have taught me to be a lot more self-independent. I learned how to do things by myself, when it is needed.
6. Obvious things: more secured community, less polution and no traffic! This doesn't really require too detailed explanations, but I'll give example. I forgot my wallet 3 times (one in a supermarket, overnight, one in a public restroom, one in a restaurant) and I forgot my cellphone at a restaurant once. They always keep it for me. In Indonesia? You can only dream!
It doesn't mean that it is far perfect than Indonesia, of course. There are some small things that I like better in Indo. But it would surely be hard for me to miss those 6 things above if I had to come back.
1. No one is too nosy about your life. You want to be gay, having kids without marriage, not married without kids, etc you name it. It will be much less judgmental community compared to Indonesia. Not that I want to be doing all less-morality things, but life is hard already without people thinking their opinions are needed in somebody else's life. We will all die eventually. Why don't you mind your own business?
2. Less dumb people. I know this sounds harsh, but true. Well, we know anyway that Indonesia is a developing country, while US is already developed. It feels like the US people understand everything a lot better. Common sense, etc. I'm struggling to deal with dummies, I'm impatient like that. I can't handle looking at people that can't wait in line (antri), can't handle people spending hours inside an ATM (dude, ATM is mainly for withdrawal, everything else you should do it online or at the bank!), can't handle people standing very close to the baggage carousel (seriously, what's the point), and many more! I know it is wise to educate others, but I just give up.
3. People got valued based on their merits. I already realized this when I was still in Jakarta and employed by American company. My bosses are typically open to value my work, etc. They also don't feel superior to anyone under them (another opposite thing to Indonesian bosses typically). But now when I live in the US, I feel that even more. When you're good, you will be successful. Generally nobody will consider your family background (politics) or your religions, gender, etc.
4. People are walking towards equality. The struggle I have when dating an Indonesian, is that they usually think that women are lower than men. OK maybe not all. But that's is the common thing. Which leads to them feeling intimidated when a girl is successful. For me that is dumb, and once again, I can't handle that. Meanwhile in the US, people can be anything they want. You want to be successful? Work hard and earn it. You're a woman? Good for you!
5. I feel more capable and independent. I know it is a lot of hassle that most people can't afford a helper here. Heck I would choose to have a helper any time! But also I feel that a lot of things here have taught me to be a lot more self-independent. I learned how to do things by myself, when it is needed.
6. Obvious things: more secured community, less polution and no traffic! This doesn't really require too detailed explanations, but I'll give example. I forgot my wallet 3 times (one in a supermarket, overnight, one in a public restroom, one in a restaurant) and I forgot my cellphone at a restaurant once. They always keep it for me. In Indonesia? You can only dream!
It doesn't mean that it is far perfect than Indonesia, of course. There are some small things that I like better in Indo. But it would surely be hard for me to miss those 6 things above if I had to come back.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
People are weird
Last time I had this conversation with my roommate (yes, the one I hated. Surprise!) and another friend while we were hanging out in our apartment chugging beers. We were just talking shit about people in general, LOL yes we are that shallow, and the other friend said "I don't know man. People are weird."
Now I think about it and actually those words also would come out of my mind many times. Why are people weird? And "weird" itself means that it is unusual, uncommon, strange, odd. So if people are weird, or weirdos, then why are many weirdos in the world?
Frankly, if I think about my roommate as weird. I think she is weird because there will be times when she didn't talk to me AT ALL. Like she was pissed or something. She also will sometimes play her songs very loudly. Like, girl, we don't want to listen to your playlist.
What about me? I think many people actually think that I'm weird too sometimes. Because:
1. I am protective of myself, if I think some people don't really enjoy being my friends or hanging out with me, I'll just be quiet. Not giving any efforts on the friendship
2. I am a snob. When a friend is trying to hard to be friend with me (usually guys), I'll be somewhat closed off and ignored them most times. Cos they became annoying, and I found them, guess what... weird!
3. I am two-faced. Frankly, I hate most people in the world. Not like huge hatred or something. I am just annoyed by most people. People are annoying. When people are annoyed by me, I'm glad and I'll try to be more annoying to annoy them more. But also I can't be direct. So I will always show them my "nice" side.
I dunno. I guess, people are people. We are all somewhat weird. And we annoy each other.
Friday, July 28, 2017
A little bit less than 3 weeks..
until the end of the internship. Mixed feelings. Glad a little bit that I will get to escape from this hell city (Bako) LOL. Super hottttt.... And secondly, glad that I will get to leave my current roommate. Dude, this girl, really. She's not overly terrible, but I'm just not totally comfy with her.
1. She barely talks to me. I don't think she is interested to engage with me
2. She never has intention to share food with me (so I do the same)
3. She said she's so clean (when I told her that I'm pretty messy), yet I ALWAYS wash my dishes right away and she would let it in the sink for days! Craziness.
4. I just don't think I like her, period. I'm just being nice most times, making small talk.
Anyway a little bit about my 29th birthday which I thought would be miserable, turned out to be pretty great! It was so great that I don't think next year will beat the awesomeness.
Firstly my (ex) BF sent me flowers to my office, which was sooooooooo surprising. Like, he really is not the type of guy that will go over board (as far as I know). Or maybe I didn't know him that well, LOL. But how he even knew my office address???? If you google the company I'm working at the moment, you will find 1 main office's address (different building and address to mine). And in addition to that, there are probably 4 more other buildings within the company. Yet he sent it exactly to my office building!
It was so funny, my mentor (which was out of the state at that time) messaged me on the company messenger,
"hey there's flower for you at the lobby. It's not your bday is it"
"yes it is. Really? How do you know? I thought you're not at the office"
"I am not. I was just logging in remotely and one of the IT girls messaged me".
LOL so I went downstairs to the lobby and found the flower delivery woman. I was really thinking, "aww who is among my intern friends that is so nice to send this flower" >> cos who else would know my office address??
and when I had to sign the receipt, it says there, his name :)
I was shocked and just overwhelmingly happy. Sweetest baby ever.
Anyway. That already made me happy, and then my intern friends actually came to have a dinner & drink with me. We had nice time, they asked for the waiter if they have special cake for birthday girl (me) and they came singing happy birthday (with a really great lava cake). My friend also treated me for my dinner and drinks (3 glasses of moscow mule, lol). Which was so weird to me, considering in Indonesia if you have bday, you gotta treat all your friends. It is basically the opposite here (which made me anxious if nobody would show up). Long story short (sorry I'm writing this while being pretty sleepy already, hence the less elaborated sentences), I HAD A GREAT TIME.
Thanks God for this age!
Thanks for the money I eventually earned this summer.
Thanks for the best lover ever (who made me cry a river a lot of times too, but still the sweetest ever).
Thanks for great summer time with new great friends (excluding my roommate, every other people are really close to awesome).
I don't know what's next, just hope for the BEST! AMEN!
1. She barely talks to me. I don't think she is interested to engage with me
2. She never has intention to share food with me (so I do the same)
3. She said she's so clean (when I told her that I'm pretty messy), yet I ALWAYS wash my dishes right away and she would let it in the sink for days! Craziness.
4. I just don't think I like her, period. I'm just being nice most times, making small talk.
Anyway a little bit about my 29th birthday which I thought would be miserable, turned out to be pretty great! It was so great that I don't think next year will beat the awesomeness.
Firstly my (ex) BF sent me flowers to my office, which was sooooooooo surprising. Like, he really is not the type of guy that will go over board (as far as I know). Or maybe I didn't know him that well, LOL. But how he even knew my office address???? If you google the company I'm working at the moment, you will find 1 main office's address (different building and address to mine). And in addition to that, there are probably 4 more other buildings within the company. Yet he sent it exactly to my office building!
It was so funny, my mentor (which was out of the state at that time) messaged me on the company messenger,
"hey there's flower for you at the lobby. It's not your bday is it"
"yes it is. Really? How do you know? I thought you're not at the office"
"I am not. I was just logging in remotely and one of the IT girls messaged me".
LOL so I went downstairs to the lobby and found the flower delivery woman. I was really thinking, "aww who is among my intern friends that is so nice to send this flower" >> cos who else would know my office address??
and when I had to sign the receipt, it says there, his name :)
I was shocked and just overwhelmingly happy. Sweetest baby ever.
Anyway. That already made me happy, and then my intern friends actually came to have a dinner & drink with me. We had nice time, they asked for the waiter if they have special cake for birthday girl (me) and they came singing happy birthday (with a really great lava cake). My friend also treated me for my dinner and drinks (3 glasses of moscow mule, lol). Which was so weird to me, considering in Indonesia if you have bday, you gotta treat all your friends. It is basically the opposite here (which made me anxious if nobody would show up). Long story short (sorry I'm writing this while being pretty sleepy already, hence the less elaborated sentences), I HAD A GREAT TIME.
Thanks God for this age!
Thanks for the money I eventually earned this summer.
Thanks for the best lover ever (who made me cry a river a lot of times too, but still the sweetest ever).
Thanks for great summer time with new great friends (excluding my roommate, every other people are really close to awesome).
I don't know what's next, just hope for the BEST! AMEN!
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
So we met again
everything was suddenly perfect again, like nothing ever happened. And in the middle of those excitement, I cried.
"Sorry, I'm just missing you.."
He was again so sweet to me, like he has always been. He asked me at one point, "baby, what is it about me (that makes you love me so much)?"
Me: "I don't know...."
"Sorry, I'm just missing you.."
He was again so sweet to me, like he has always been. He asked me at one point, "baby, what is it about me (that makes you love me so much)?"
Me: "I don't know...."
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Breathe Again...
This post might sound like a bragging, but well... nobody is really expected to read this anyway. LOL.
You know sometimes I realize people think that I brag a lot about my life, but the truth is, so many things I tried not to brag about. Compare to some friends that I know, I am very sure if they were me, they would BRAG LIKE CRAAZEEEHH... So yea, actually whatever I posted, it has been kept as down-to-earth as possible. LOL.
I just think that when you are down, nobody really gives a fuck about your sad life. I mean, they do give a fuck, but like a "laughing fuck", you know? People like to listen to other people complaints about their life, not because they care about making you feel better, but because they like to know that nobody is truly happy in this life.
Long story short, I just finally can breathe again after 2 years of poverty. If you follow my blog then you'd know that I don't always brag about how lucky I am, but there are some down times when I barely had money at all and pretty struggling with my life here. To be honest, I still am not completely HAPPY being here, remembering there is almost no good friends around me that I can rely on. Oh well, I do have a good friend here, but she is married with a kid, so it's not totally the same as having a best friend that have the same kind of life as you (single and mingle). But, better than not at all obviously! But then now I am at Bakersfield, all by myseeelllfff...... (Nyanyik). I have a roommate that I thought would be a perfect companion during my Summer here, because she is a geologist (close enough) and she is a Catholic too, so we kinda have the same ideology. LOL. Not like we talk about that at all, though. We don't. We just go to church together, that's it. Sometimes during the weekdays we don't talk at all. Just say HI in the morning and GOOD NIGHT and BYE. Hahaha... pretty awkward, but whatever.
Other than that, I sometimes feel pretty lonely, remembering that I have some good friends back in Jakarta that I can always depend on whenever I want to watch movie with, drink with, shopping with, eating with, or anything, really.
Oh back to coming back from poverty. I know life will not always be this easy, but currently I'm happy I can do whatever I want to do. Crave for some food? Just go and eat at that place. Want to get my nails done at the salon? I can. Want to drink with some friends? (other interns) I can. Want to shop for clothes/shoes? I can. TWO fricking years I was sooooo out of money that I really couldn't get anything I wanted. Oh well, pretty traumatizing! I still don't know though if money is really all the answer, cause I was still happy at that time, cause I had my BF *aww*.
Well, talking about him, I'm going to see him in 2 weeks. I know. Either stupid, or stupid. That's me. He is pretty much my source of happiness and consolation, though.
You know sometimes I realize people think that I brag a lot about my life, but the truth is, so many things I tried not to brag about. Compare to some friends that I know, I am very sure if they were me, they would BRAG LIKE CRAAZEEEHH... So yea, actually whatever I posted, it has been kept as down-to-earth as possible. LOL.
I just think that when you are down, nobody really gives a fuck about your sad life. I mean, they do give a fuck, but like a "laughing fuck", you know? People like to listen to other people complaints about their life, not because they care about making you feel better, but because they like to know that nobody is truly happy in this life.
Long story short, I just finally can breathe again after 2 years of poverty. If you follow my blog then you'd know that I don't always brag about how lucky I am, but there are some down times when I barely had money at all and pretty struggling with my life here. To be honest, I still am not completely HAPPY being here, remembering there is almost no good friends around me that I can rely on. Oh well, I do have a good friend here, but she is married with a kid, so it's not totally the same as having a best friend that have the same kind of life as you (single and mingle). But, better than not at all obviously! But then now I am at Bakersfield, all by myseeelllfff...... (Nyanyik). I have a roommate that I thought would be a perfect companion during my Summer here, because she is a geologist (close enough) and she is a Catholic too, so we kinda have the same ideology. LOL. Not like we talk about that at all, though. We don't. We just go to church together, that's it. Sometimes during the weekdays we don't talk at all. Just say HI in the morning and GOOD NIGHT and BYE. Hahaha... pretty awkward, but whatever.
Other than that, I sometimes feel pretty lonely, remembering that I have some good friends back in Jakarta that I can always depend on whenever I want to watch movie with, drink with, shopping with, eating with, or anything, really.
Oh back to coming back from poverty. I know life will not always be this easy, but currently I'm happy I can do whatever I want to do. Crave for some food? Just go and eat at that place. Want to get my nails done at the salon? I can. Want to drink with some friends? (other interns) I can. Want to shop for clothes/shoes? I can. TWO fricking years I was sooooo out of money that I really couldn't get anything I wanted. Oh well, pretty traumatizing! I still don't know though if money is really all the answer, cause I was still happy at that time, cause I had my BF *aww*.
Well, talking about him, I'm going to see him in 2 weeks. I know. Either stupid, or stupid. That's me. He is pretty much my source of happiness and consolation, though.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Pelit
I think naturally I'm a cheapo. I'm pretty generous for myself, but pretty cheap for someone else. I know, I know, that's not very good of me. Oh well actually I'm pretty generous for my boyfriend as well. So yea.. depends I guess.
Recently I've been spending a lot of money especially for my car. The main reason is because I'm trying to be very careful to drive my car for 1K miles from CO to CA. Of course I don't want anything bad happens during my trip, especially because this will be my very first time driving that far BY MYSELF! Pretty daunting yet exciting. Anyway, I spent money for my windshield ($250), additional tire ($130), oil change ($30) and now new battery!! ($130). Aw man....
I also try to convince myself, always, that it is better to be safe than sorry. Very true! Sometimes we try to be very cheap and something happen that requires us to spend even more! Similar thing happened to my ex-bf, his car just broke down and got towed, couldn't get fixed so he needed to just buy brand new. All because his car was already a junk yet he tried to prolong the usage. Anyway.... That's my story!
Recently I've been spending a lot of money especially for my car. The main reason is because I'm trying to be very careful to drive my car for 1K miles from CO to CA. Of course I don't want anything bad happens during my trip, especially because this will be my very first time driving that far BY MYSELF! Pretty daunting yet exciting. Anyway, I spent money for my windshield ($250), additional tire ($130), oil change ($30) and now new battery!! ($130). Aw man....
I also try to convince myself, always, that it is better to be safe than sorry. Very true! Sometimes we try to be very cheap and something happen that requires us to spend even more! Similar thing happened to my ex-bf, his car just broke down and got towed, couldn't get fixed so he needed to just buy brand new. All because his car was already a junk yet he tried to prolong the usage. Anyway.... That's my story!
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Wondering about life
I wonder why life is so full of sadness and disappointment. Unfairness. You name it. I wish I was a more positive person in living my life. Full of joy. Dish out every little thing and looking forward for a brighter future. My feelings have been up and down very quickly lately. Of course most of it is caused by my love life. A total disappointment. One minute I feel so motivated and think about it as a little thing that is not supposedly bother me, but the other minute I could feel so down and teared myself. I wonder if it is an anger or sadness. Can't really tell. I think it is a lot of disappointment. Expectation that has been tackled down. I realized it is not only me that encountered this kind of problems in life. To be fair, in general my life has been easy. So, I shouldn't complain too much. What bugging my mind is, why we kept on facing this kind of disappointment? And even more, why we disappoint ourselves? One thing I also realize lately is that I expect something from someone and they can't fulfill it. That leads to disappointment. But on the other hand, I also cannot fulfill what is expected from me. No matter how hard I tried, it is just me, a person that is not compatible to him.
Gosh I really need to move on from this bullshit.
Gosh I really need to move on from this bullshit.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Updates..updates..
Been quite sometime since the last time I wrote. Love life is just pretty roller coaster-y with my ex-bae. So... we still talk to each other almost everyday. Almost like nothing happened. One time I knew he was dating this other girl also, and I was just FLIPPED. And... now we are good again. ON and OFF like that dunno until when. Only God knows. Just last night he promised to call me and he fell asleep! Gosh I was sooo pissed (because I was anticipating his call) and I wrote him pretty nasty email. Well, kinda like 15% nasty. He replied immediately this morning and called me. He was so sorry and will make sure he calls me tonight. One thing that kinda struck me was that, he was not mad at all for my email. I mean, yea it was his fault. But somehow I feel like he becomes more understanding of myself? I will usually get super angry and cool down almost right away. Anywaay... I dunno.
On the side note, will soon go to Bakersfield California for my internship. Pretty excited and nervous at the same time. Hope I can break a leg and get hired as a permanent employee eventually! AMEN!
On the side note, will soon go to Bakersfield California for my internship. Pretty excited and nervous at the same time. Hope I can break a leg and get hired as a permanent employee eventually! AMEN!
Thursday, April 6, 2017
I have listed
all the reasons of "why I should not be with him".
A long list.
Yet I still want to be with him.
Gosh, is love really that poisonous?
A long list.
Yet I still want to be with him.
Gosh, is love really that poisonous?
Sunday, April 2, 2017
God is good
We should never doubt whatever God's plan for us. I think. Yes I didn't get the admission to the PhD program. I broke up with my boyfriend for a year. I am devastated. But what did I just get recently? An internship offer from an oil company in California! That.is.mind.blowing.
Of course I wanted that internship so fricking much like you won't believe. I prayed every night for it. Just for information, getting a job or internship here during this oil crisis is HARD AS HELL. Even a lot harder given the fact that you are an international student. Well... especially under Mr.T governance, as you know. I put my resume everywhere, submit it online, no call. Nothing. And it was crazy because under normal situation (high oil price), I would have gotten a lot of offers. It is well known that a person graduated from my school here (CSM) would get a lot of offers from everywhere. Well, not this time. But I think recently the situation is getting better (fingers crossed). Most people I know will already have internships also for this upcoming summer. But it is just so crazy, for me. It was almost impossible to get one.
It is crazy too to see how much they offer for the internship salary. It is like 3 times my salary in Indonesia after working for 5 years with one of the biggest oil company in the world. And in addition to that, they still give you a "moving allowance" that is almost as much as one month salary. Now I know why so many people want to work in the States (including me). Oh well, let's see what will happen next. I'm just hoping for the best and let God do the rest. All I know is now I'm under a lot of pressures since the people that are hiring me for the job kinda expected me to perform not just like a usual intern. Usual interns are people that just graduated fresh from the school. Technically I have had 5 years working exp, so...... well.........
On the side note, these past 2 weeks have been super dramatic with my ex-bf. On and Off. In the end I think the answer will be, how I learn to love someone without having the urge to "have" them. We love each other, no doubt about it. But we are just so impossible to be together without hurting each other (emotionally). Because what we "need" is different. I need a commit lover. He needs a flexible, open partnership.
Well... (again), that's life after all.
Good luck to me!
Of course I wanted that internship so fricking much like you won't believe. I prayed every night for it. Just for information, getting a job or internship here during this oil crisis is HARD AS HELL. Even a lot harder given the fact that you are an international student. Well... especially under Mr.T governance, as you know. I put my resume everywhere, submit it online, no call. Nothing. And it was crazy because under normal situation (high oil price), I would have gotten a lot of offers. It is well known that a person graduated from my school here (CSM) would get a lot of offers from everywhere. Well, not this time. But I think recently the situation is getting better (fingers crossed). Most people I know will already have internships also for this upcoming summer. But it is just so crazy, for me. It was almost impossible to get one.
It is crazy too to see how much they offer for the internship salary. It is like 3 times my salary in Indonesia after working for 5 years with one of the biggest oil company in the world. And in addition to that, they still give you a "moving allowance" that is almost as much as one month salary. Now I know why so many people want to work in the States (including me). Oh well, let's see what will happen next. I'm just hoping for the best and let God do the rest. All I know is now I'm under a lot of pressures since the people that are hiring me for the job kinda expected me to perform not just like a usual intern. Usual interns are people that just graduated fresh from the school. Technically I have had 5 years working exp, so...... well.........
On the side note, these past 2 weeks have been super dramatic with my ex-bf. On and Off. In the end I think the answer will be, how I learn to love someone without having the urge to "have" them. We love each other, no doubt about it. But we are just so impossible to be together without hurting each other (emotionally). Because what we "need" is different. I need a commit lover. He needs a flexible, open partnership.
Well... (again), that's life after all.
Good luck to me!
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Typical Me
Not really enthusiastic to write after a break-up. Haha... so far this break-up has been easy, compared to any other break-ups I've ever gone thru. One of the reason is that we are still so much in love with each other and even still in a good terms. The main problem here now is that he really doesn't want to be committed and there's nothing really I can do to change that. He thinks our relationship is WAAAY too fast for him and lately I've been kinda hinting that either we make it firm NOW or NEVER. Well, that's actually just my personality. I have always been so blinded by my feelings and really brushing everything else off. I have already witnessed a lot of things that wouldn't work if we were together. I should probably not mention it here because after all, who knows we will end up together? LOL. But anyway, the kinda funny thing is that when I told my parents that I broke up, they were SO HAPPY?!?!
My mom even said something like, "Praise the Lord! God answered my prayer."
"-___-
That's probably one thing that kinda makes me not extremely sad. If my parents love him probably that would make me even sad-er. But that's one right thing, he is not the typical guy you would be proud to introduce to your parents or even your friends. Well, my friends at least. Our world is way to different for us to be in one unity. Well, that's probably why I love him at the first place? Cause he makes me excited all the times. Never a dull moment. But dang, I'm almost 29 and it's probably not really a good time to fool around and stay with wrong guys. He said something like, "I am willing to see if it can work in a long term, we can get to know each other now." But hell, I said, I won't be waiting for him. Especially he is pretty old for me to wait for some more years. He is OK with me finding someone else along the way.
Anyway again, we still talk to each other every time and the difference is that he is now as free as a bird to be with any other people. I told him though that I don't want to know anything about that. I only want to know his other stuffs, like movie and career. Another difference is probably now I have to let it loose, like no more plans to be together eventually, not getting so cranky when he doesn't call, no more future plan based on his capability. Now I plan my future based on what sounds good for my life, like career wise etc. Actually that gives a lot of clarity of how serious I am about PhD plan. I can't even express how grateful I am now that I didn't get the PhD. I would still probably want to do PhD but not at the same school. If I would even consider to do it, I need to do it somewhere "more" and different, for a whole new experience.
Other than that, I am confirmed that I can stay until December. Wrapping up my thesis and will try to do another research and try to publish it. I've NEVER published any papers, can you believe that?? HAHAHAHA... that's probably why also I didn't get the admission to PhD program. I am also now financially more secured, hallelujah! Praise the lord! That really helps me to stay sane, buy any food I want to eat and even I now get to shop some beauty products and clothes. I am so happy. My apartment get rented back in Jakarta, which also takes off some of my burden. I somehow feel that God is truly watching me despite, you know, my ignorance most times. I am too focused on myself and less caring about my surrounding. After all, I'm still learning in this life! Learn to be a better person.
My mom even said something like, "Praise the Lord! God answered my prayer."
"-___-
That's probably one thing that kinda makes me not extremely sad. If my parents love him probably that would make me even sad-er. But that's one right thing, he is not the typical guy you would be proud to introduce to your parents or even your friends. Well, my friends at least. Our world is way to different for us to be in one unity. Well, that's probably why I love him at the first place? Cause he makes me excited all the times. Never a dull moment. But dang, I'm almost 29 and it's probably not really a good time to fool around and stay with wrong guys. He said something like, "I am willing to see if it can work in a long term, we can get to know each other now." But hell, I said, I won't be waiting for him. Especially he is pretty old for me to wait for some more years. He is OK with me finding someone else along the way.
Anyway again, we still talk to each other every time and the difference is that he is now as free as a bird to be with any other people. I told him though that I don't want to know anything about that. I only want to know his other stuffs, like movie and career. Another difference is probably now I have to let it loose, like no more plans to be together eventually, not getting so cranky when he doesn't call, no more future plan based on his capability. Now I plan my future based on what sounds good for my life, like career wise etc. Actually that gives a lot of clarity of how serious I am about PhD plan. I can't even express how grateful I am now that I didn't get the PhD. I would still probably want to do PhD but not at the same school. If I would even consider to do it, I need to do it somewhere "more" and different, for a whole new experience.
Other than that, I am confirmed that I can stay until December. Wrapping up my thesis and will try to do another research and try to publish it. I've NEVER published any papers, can you believe that?? HAHAHAHA... that's probably why also I didn't get the admission to PhD program. I am also now financially more secured, hallelujah! Praise the lord! That really helps me to stay sane, buy any food I want to eat and even I now get to shop some beauty products and clothes. I am so happy. My apartment get rented back in Jakarta, which also takes off some of my burden. I somehow feel that God is truly watching me despite, you know, my ignorance most times. I am too focused on myself and less caring about my surrounding. After all, I'm still learning in this life! Learn to be a better person.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Oh Well...
So we are breaking up. Not officially at this point when I'm typing, but it is looking very real now. Not surprising, huh? When have I ever had a relationship that reached 2 years period at least? Sadly it is all my fault. Why did I even prolong it until this point if it was pretty "clear" it would never work out. We love each other and all, but apparently we are WAY TOO DIFFERENT to be okay with each other. I didn't know it was that big. I thought he could adjust to my normality, if you can call so. Maybe I was attracted to his abnormality to begin with? I think that's the case. So again, whose fault is it? ME.
It was not an emotional decision, although yes I'm the most emotional one in this case. Emotionally I tried to keep this relationship. Pretty stupid, cause it will again never work out. It will work out probably in my dream. I thought he could change, for me. Silly? Naive thoughts? Everybody always thought they can change someone cos they are SO SPECIAL. Well, not me chica.
Nothing can console me at this point, no one either. Somehow I am relieved I didn't get the PhD, something I really didn't really want to do anyway.
But then I'm thinking, gosh, WHY?!
WHY AGAIN!?
It was not an emotional decision, although yes I'm the most emotional one in this case. Emotionally I tried to keep this relationship. Pretty stupid, cause it will again never work out. It will work out probably in my dream. I thought he could change, for me. Silly? Naive thoughts? Everybody always thought they can change someone cos they are SO SPECIAL. Well, not me chica.
Nothing can console me at this point, no one either. Somehow I am relieved I didn't get the PhD, something I really didn't really want to do anyway.
But then I'm thinking, gosh, WHY?!
WHY AGAIN!?
Friday, March 17, 2017
Self-control (again)
You must have heard something like, "the only one you can control is yourself". Well... aren't you doomed if you can't even control yourself, let alone controlling someone else?
I always, ALWAYS, have problems with it and never seem to learn. I always feel like I'm always jeopardizing things. I'm probably at the lowest point of my life right now and don't exactly know what to do to make it right.
Why does it have to be so hard..?
I always, ALWAYS, have problems with it and never seem to learn. I always feel like I'm always jeopardizing things. I'm probably at the lowest point of my life right now and don't exactly know what to do to make it right.
Why does it have to be so hard..?
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Stay
Apparently I can stay longer on my Masters, cause I still have one year funding from an International Fellowship. I didn't even apply for it. My professor did it for me and I only knew it once I got it. Isn't that awesome? Like he did it for me. Anyway... let's cross the fingers and hope for the best. Once one door is closed, another one opened, so.... I believe there must be better things awaiting.
On the side note, I've been trying to manage my emotion and ultimately my patience. Bae has been super busy lately and I probably have been cranky for the past month.
So the cycle is probably like this:
Bae is busy > me mad and get naggy > he calmed me down > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy again > me mad and get naggy > he is no longer patient plus annoyed by my forever naggyness > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy > me mad.... AND IT GOES ON AND ON
I'm getting pretty tired about it but also I don't really know what to do.. I mean at this point it's pretty pointless to even threatening to break up cos obviously it would even be much worse for me when I broke up with anyone I dearly love. So maybe...maybe, I'll just keep my shit together, try to be silent for a while. He told me several times just to be patient at least until he finished his 3rd movie (supposedly happening last November, but then of course now is March, and he said the plan now is to shoot it in June). So yea.... that's probably for the best. Keep silent. Cos if I keep on doing whatever I've been doing (nagging, and super mellow-dramatic), it will end sooner or later and it will be even more devastating for me.
At least I don't want to do that until I get settled, you know. Like in terms of degree and anything else. And afterall, you can't really control anyone else but yourself.
TRUE DAT
Oh and to even add one more reason why I shouldn't do whatever I thought is "good" to do when I was mad, I always ended up crying for hours that make me can't function on the next day.
So,,,, Sheila,.... be smart!
On the side note, I've been trying to manage my emotion and ultimately my patience. Bae has been super busy lately and I probably have been cranky for the past month.
So the cycle is probably like this:
Bae is busy > me mad and get naggy > he calmed me down > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy again > me mad and get naggy > he is no longer patient plus annoyed by my forever naggyness > I feel guilty and try to understand > he got busy > me mad.... AND IT GOES ON AND ON
I'm getting pretty tired about it but also I don't really know what to do.. I mean at this point it's pretty pointless to even threatening to break up cos obviously it would even be much worse for me when I broke up with anyone I dearly love. So maybe...maybe, I'll just keep my shit together, try to be silent for a while. He told me several times just to be patient at least until he finished his 3rd movie (supposedly happening last November, but then of course now is March, and he said the plan now is to shoot it in June). So yea.... that's probably for the best. Keep silent. Cos if I keep on doing whatever I've been doing (nagging, and super mellow-dramatic), it will end sooner or later and it will be even more devastating for me.
At least I don't want to do that until I get settled, you know. Like in terms of degree and anything else. And afterall, you can't really control anyone else but yourself.
TRUE DAT
Oh and to even add one more reason why I shouldn't do whatever I thought is "good" to do when I was mad, I always ended up crying for hours that make me can't function on the next day.
So,,,, Sheila,.... be smart!
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
You can't always get what you want
So today I was told by my professor that I wouldn't get the PhD opportunity. I was stunned, grinned awkwardly, and his face showed a lot of "I'm so sorry" look. He said, "I'm sorry but I think that's not gonna happen". Now, I know it can't be any close to compare, but somehow I was thinking, "man maybe this is kinda how it feels like when you thought you were gonna live for decades more and suddenly your doctor said,"you only have couple of months left. One year top."
OK that shouldn't be any close to compare to my situation, but I'm just so surprised. I was so prepared to stay here for a couple more years, but now it seems like only a couple more months left. A part of me was relieved, realizing I don't have to deal with this shit for another 3-4 years. But also, what will happen next? What about my love life? What should I do once I'm back? I haven't even prepared to leave this beautiful place. I haven't visited most places I need to visit.
Is that probably what dying people think about? When you were told you only have limited time to live? I don't even dare to imagine. Life is pretty scary sometimes.
You can't always get what you want.... that's just how life works.
OK that shouldn't be any close to compare to my situation, but I'm just so surprised. I was so prepared to stay here for a couple more years, but now it seems like only a couple more months left. A part of me was relieved, realizing I don't have to deal with this shit for another 3-4 years. But also, what will happen next? What about my love life? What should I do once I'm back? I haven't even prepared to leave this beautiful place. I haven't visited most places I need to visit.
Is that probably what dying people think about? When you were told you only have limited time to live? I don't even dare to imagine. Life is pretty scary sometimes.
You can't always get what you want.... that's just how life works.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
On dying my hair
Several times lately I've been thinking about dying my hair, like silverish or something, like the current trend. A friend of mine was also surprised that I didn't color my hair, which actually really has made it much healthier. She thought I colored it black, somehow. Nah uh *proud smirk*. I remember like around 15 years ago I would color my hair everytime because it was forbidden at the school, of course. You know how we tend to do something when it is forbidden, right? Now that I have all rights to color it, I kinda hesitant. Why? Because I have experienced the suffer after I did all of those things to my hair. I used to flatten my hair, too, during that time, because that was the trend *blame Sanchai from Meteor Garden for that phenomena.
And now all I want is for my hair to look bigger and wavy-er. Oh man what a trend.
Actually I haven't got to the point, where my hair was damaged so bad that it was very dry, fell off, and I even had grey hair! Now believe it or not, I don't have any. None. Still cannot be as thick as before I did all the chemical works, but it is really much better now. One thing to be sure is, you might be triggered to do a lot of things to your hair and think that it is OK. But believe me, once it starts to "get mad", that's probably the most stressful experience ever! I used to be soooo afraid just to even comb my hair cos how bad the hair was falling all the time. I was afraid to go to hair saloon and let people touch my hair. I always crawled and checked how many hairs were on the floor. Crazy time! I remember I used to pray so hard that God gives me back my hair and I promised, I would never done anything harmful to my hair, ever.
So in conclusion, I might need to just be grateful of the hair condition right now, and not even think of destroying it again!
And now all I want is for my hair to look bigger and wavy-er. Oh man what a trend.
Actually I haven't got to the point, where my hair was damaged so bad that it was very dry, fell off, and I even had grey hair! Now believe it or not, I don't have any. None. Still cannot be as thick as before I did all the chemical works, but it is really much better now. One thing to be sure is, you might be triggered to do a lot of things to your hair and think that it is OK. But believe me, once it starts to "get mad", that's probably the most stressful experience ever! I used to be soooo afraid just to even comb my hair cos how bad the hair was falling all the time. I was afraid to go to hair saloon and let people touch my hair. I always crawled and checked how many hairs were on the floor. Crazy time! I remember I used to pray so hard that God gives me back my hair and I promised, I would never done anything harmful to my hair, ever.
So in conclusion, I might need to just be grateful of the hair condition right now, and not even think of destroying it again!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Dating a Baby
Not literally, but almost! Sometimes I do feel bad that I'm superrr childish when it comes to relationship. I do wonder most of the times, when will I ever be more mature? Like not feeling too jealous everytime (and I'm jealous of everyone. Every girls in his life, let it be family or just friends, or even just some random people at the store who looked too friendly). I might even be jealous of guys too if I know he is too close with them.
I'm thirsty of his attention EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Especially when I'm not too busy. Gosh I wish I had a job, lotsa money where I can just go shopping or go to saloon OR traveling whenever I feel lonely.
SOON!!!!
I'm thirsty of his attention EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Especially when I'm not too busy. Gosh I wish I had a job, lotsa money where I can just go shopping or go to saloon OR traveling whenever I feel lonely.
SOON!!!!
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Earning Money is ALWAYS FUN
OK I might be "lebay" but seriously I've been feeling better lately. I have one thing more certain in my life, which is I wouldn't need to go back to work in Jakarta. One more thing to wait, "would I be able to stay here and doing PhD?"
I might get the answer in a little less than a month. I asked one of my friends that sitting in the graduate admission committee but he wouldn't reveal anything. He was just saying, "all I can tell is that your application is about 99% better than the rest of the applicants".
Well, at least that's something nice to say.
I was not really motivated to do PhD sometime ago but now I'm pretty convinced I want to do that. I may list the reasons here just to brainstorm myself:
1. I am not ready to leave my boyfriend. Indonesia is too far from U.S for a relationship. I would think that is pretty hopeless. Now that we are in different states, already hard. But we can still see each other every month or so. So that's helpful. Indonesia-U.S? $1500 per visit? Insane!
2. I love being here, much more than being in Jakarta. I'm sorry Jakartans, but Jakarta sucks, big time.
Now that Ahok is the governor, I think it is leading to a better directions, although who knows? I heard many people/group against his governance. So, well, if he's not the governor then that will just strengthen my hesitance to go back. Macet, kriminal, polution, weird single lifestyle and non-committed marriages all over just drove me nuts. I think I've said it so many times but I know I miss the hell out of being able to get good food everytime and massages, but I really feel good being here.
3. I am now in a better state, financially. I earn more money by doing part-time job in the computer lab. Basically just sitting in the "reception" kinda desk and help people when they have problems related to IT. But I'm so surprised that the job is not hard at all! All you need to do is act or show like you care about their problems. Simple. And help me through.
4. If I got admitted to the PhD, that will also mean I will get bigger stipend, which is amazingly good for me. I know it is still a lot smaller than if I get a job as a geophysicist here (not in Indo), but it is still acceptable. Plus, I will get a degree, which is nice.
I think it is pretty scary though that my baby (not literal meaning, lol) is basically the most important factor among it all, so if it didn't work, gosh who knows what will happen!?
But yea, just like the title of this post, earning money is always fun. I really enjoy not being too stressful about money all the time. Go me!
Hopefully everything goes smoothly, though. Fingers crossed!
I might get the answer in a little less than a month. I asked one of my friends that sitting in the graduate admission committee but he wouldn't reveal anything. He was just saying, "all I can tell is that your application is about 99% better than the rest of the applicants".
Well, at least that's something nice to say.
I was not really motivated to do PhD sometime ago but now I'm pretty convinced I want to do that. I may list the reasons here just to brainstorm myself:
1. I am not ready to leave my boyfriend. Indonesia is too far from U.S for a relationship. I would think that is pretty hopeless. Now that we are in different states, already hard. But we can still see each other every month or so. So that's helpful. Indonesia-U.S? $1500 per visit? Insane!
2. I love being here, much more than being in Jakarta. I'm sorry Jakartans, but Jakarta sucks, big time.
Now that Ahok is the governor, I think it is leading to a better directions, although who knows? I heard many people/group against his governance. So, well, if he's not the governor then that will just strengthen my hesitance to go back. Macet, kriminal, polution, weird single lifestyle and non-committed marriages all over just drove me nuts. I think I've said it so many times but I know I miss the hell out of being able to get good food everytime and massages, but I really feel good being here.
3. I am now in a better state, financially. I earn more money by doing part-time job in the computer lab. Basically just sitting in the "reception" kinda desk and help people when they have problems related to IT. But I'm so surprised that the job is not hard at all! All you need to do is act or show like you care about their problems. Simple. And help me through.
4. If I got admitted to the PhD, that will also mean I will get bigger stipend, which is amazingly good for me. I know it is still a lot smaller than if I get a job as a geophysicist here (not in Indo), but it is still acceptable. Plus, I will get a degree, which is nice.
I think it is pretty scary though that my baby (not literal meaning, lol) is basically the most important factor among it all, so if it didn't work, gosh who knows what will happen!?
But yea, just like the title of this post, earning money is always fun. I really enjoy not being too stressful about money all the time. Go me!
Hopefully everything goes smoothly, though. Fingers crossed!
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Marriage without Love?
I texted one of my friends that got married couple of years ago (not very long ago),
"hey X, why I haven't seen you with your wife anymore? I guess I'd rather ask you directly than asking other people, right?"
I know that kinda sound very nosy of me LOL, but well, I've just been curious. I even noticed they are not friends anymore on social media.
My friend, "yes.. I have been divorced. She cheated on me and now getting married again"
WHAT.IN.THE.HELL?
I remember their wedding party was pretty big. Even if I got married one day with someone I really love, except he's rich, I wouldn't make that big of a wedding. Anyywaay... long story short he said the ex-wife married him not because of love, but because of something else (not sure what it is). I actually kinda sensed it even before they got married. Not that I know the wife well, not at all, only do "cipika cipiki" when we see each other. I'm not even sure she remembers me. LOL. Maybe not. But yea, from my friend's story before they got married, the ex-wife was kinda suspicious, like always trying to be secretive, not allowing my friend to look at her phone, putting it on "airplane mode" whenever she left the phone unattended, etc. Weird huh? That's why me and my other friends were shaking our head when he finally got married, in such a "hurry" mode.
Anywaay again, back to the part where "she didn't get married because of love", OMG? How can even someone do that? Like, how nuts are you? I know some people said love can grow after the marriage itself. But, seriously? OK maybe I'm being too judgmental now as I haven't been married at all myself, but I just can't imagine getting into a marriage without love. Might as well become a single person forever! Marriage WITH love itself is already hard, I believe. Imagine being in it WITHOUT love. Hell!
Oh well, I guess people are different. Some thinks that their priority in life might not be the love itself, can be their "image" in front of the public, money, position, etc. I just can hope I won't be one of it one day!
"hey X, why I haven't seen you with your wife anymore? I guess I'd rather ask you directly than asking other people, right?"
I know that kinda sound very nosy of me LOL, but well, I've just been curious. I even noticed they are not friends anymore on social media.
My friend, "yes.. I have been divorced. She cheated on me and now getting married again"
WHAT.IN.THE.HELL?
I remember their wedding party was pretty big. Even if I got married one day with someone I really love, except he's rich, I wouldn't make that big of a wedding. Anyywaay... long story short he said the ex-wife married him not because of love, but because of something else (not sure what it is). I actually kinda sensed it even before they got married. Not that I know the wife well, not at all, only do "cipika cipiki" when we see each other. I'm not even sure she remembers me. LOL. Maybe not. But yea, from my friend's story before they got married, the ex-wife was kinda suspicious, like always trying to be secretive, not allowing my friend to look at her phone, putting it on "airplane mode" whenever she left the phone unattended, etc. Weird huh? That's why me and my other friends were shaking our head when he finally got married, in such a "hurry" mode.
Anywaay again, back to the part where "she didn't get married because of love", OMG? How can even someone do that? Like, how nuts are you? I know some people said love can grow after the marriage itself. But, seriously? OK maybe I'm being too judgmental now as I haven't been married at all myself, but I just can't imagine getting into a marriage without love. Might as well become a single person forever! Marriage WITH love itself is already hard, I believe. Imagine being in it WITHOUT love. Hell!
Oh well, I guess people are different. Some thinks that their priority in life might not be the love itself, can be their "image" in front of the public, money, position, etc. I just can hope I won't be one of it one day!
Monday, January 16, 2017
I am blessed
Just now I feel really blessed, despite several "plans" that were not working in my life. Back in 2014 I finally decided to make a move, to apply to graduate school in the U.S. I have always wanted to study abroad, experiencing how is it to live very far away from home, talk in your second language every single day, do a grocery shopping every couple of days in a country you are not familiar with, and so on.
I loved traveling, still do, yet every time I travelled, it was never more than 2 weeks. And what did I get? Pictures, yes. Beautiful ones. Some information about the places, yes. But experience wise, it is not nearly as close to when you actually live there.
Other than that reason, I also want to "bump up" my earnings. I got decent salary, yes. But remembering me as an impatient person, I want to earn moreee.. a lot more. And I didn't want to wait. I had to do something. I have to study abroad, get a masters, and work overseas. At least that was what I thought. Did it go as planned? Nope, not yet. Who would have predicted that the oil prices went down, to the deepest fall? I'm sure, if the situation was not like this, I could have had a job here, in a heartbeat. I'm sure of that.
Oh well... but who could have known, right? That's life. One time you think you got it, and Life says "nope..".
But I'm still feeling blessed, you know. I get to meet people that are so so amazing here. Life is not as easy as back in my home country, but man.. this is very much meaningful. And in the end, why would you want "easy" life? Do you want to grow old thinking, "is that it?"?
I am also blessed to have my family that support me no matter what. I think not all family would do that. I know it must be hard to allow your kids, especially the only daughter of the family, to live thousand miles away from home. *although my mom kinda likes it, as an excuse for her to travel here LOL*
And last but not least.. I'm blessed to have met my love :)
I loved traveling, still do, yet every time I travelled, it was never more than 2 weeks. And what did I get? Pictures, yes. Beautiful ones. Some information about the places, yes. But experience wise, it is not nearly as close to when you actually live there.
Other than that reason, I also want to "bump up" my earnings. I got decent salary, yes. But remembering me as an impatient person, I want to earn moreee.. a lot more. And I didn't want to wait. I had to do something. I have to study abroad, get a masters, and work overseas. At least that was what I thought. Did it go as planned? Nope, not yet. Who would have predicted that the oil prices went down, to the deepest fall? I'm sure, if the situation was not like this, I could have had a job here, in a heartbeat. I'm sure of that.
Oh well... but who could have known, right? That's life. One time you think you got it, and Life says "nope..".
But I'm still feeling blessed, you know. I get to meet people that are so so amazing here. Life is not as easy as back in my home country, but man.. this is very much meaningful. And in the end, why would you want "easy" life? Do you want to grow old thinking, "is that it?"?
I am also blessed to have my family that support me no matter what. I think not all family would do that. I know it must be hard to allow your kids, especially the only daughter of the family, to live thousand miles away from home. *although my mom kinda likes it, as an excuse for her to travel here LOL*
And last but not least.. I'm blessed to have met my love :)
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Writing About Good Things Only..
To be honest, if there's any media that captures both sides of my life, good and bad, it would probably be this blog. Although lately it may sound like I've been bragging (do you think so? LOL), I didn't mean to. Of course I have a lot of concerns in my life, problems (not so much actually, remembering I have always tried to follow the rules), but I realize writing about bad stuffs doesn't really do any good for you.
It is understandable that sometimes you want to express your sadness, your disappointment, etc, but this just triggered the negativity in your life. At least that what I think. That's why most of the times I like to write about good, sweet things happening in my life. It's not really for imaging (baca: pencitraan. LOL) but it's more for my mental healthiness.
That's the same when I want to share my unluckiness with my friends. It is good at one point to get a support of the problems you're facing. But whether your feelings will get better or not also depends on who responds to it. Some friends, I realized, just make it even worse. They didn't offer some kind of consolation, instead, they made us feel even worse and worthless. LOL. Or sometimes they didn't care as much, so they didn't even respond well to it. So what's the point of sharing the bad stuffs?
Although I know some people that would listen to my concerns and respond well to it. My BF is one of them, hence I like to share it with him. Such a sweetheart. Other people would be mostly my family, my parents especially. Although I don't really share everything in my life with them. They are not so open minded, I think. But when it comes to career, education, I would share it with them of course.
It is understandable that sometimes you want to express your sadness, your disappointment, etc, but this just triggered the negativity in your life. At least that what I think. That's why most of the times I like to write about good, sweet things happening in my life. It's not really for imaging (baca: pencitraan. LOL) but it's more for my mental healthiness.
That's the same when I want to share my unluckiness with my friends. It is good at one point to get a support of the problems you're facing. But whether your feelings will get better or not also depends on who responds to it. Some friends, I realized, just make it even worse. They didn't offer some kind of consolation, instead, they made us feel even worse and worthless. LOL. Or sometimes they didn't care as much, so they didn't even respond well to it. So what's the point of sharing the bad stuffs?
Although I know some people that would listen to my concerns and respond well to it. My BF is one of them, hence I like to share it with him. Such a sweetheart. Other people would be mostly my family, my parents especially. Although I don't really share everything in my life with them. They are not so open minded, I think. But when it comes to career, education, I would share it with them of course.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Looking back..
Yesterday my BF said,
"this is your first time falling in love.. I've been there before, so I'm wary.."
"No.. I've always loved people. They just never reciprocated"
"Well.. since our love is mutual, that's making it stronger"
***
That's true. The part where "they never reciprocated". I was in quite a few relationships before, if you can call so. But I just realized now that most of them are jack-asses?! Not because it's over now that I talk shit about it, but that's how it was. None of them were being really real to me. In the end just taking advantages because I loved them so much. But one person that I can say was the meanest of all must be my Ex "H". I mostly talked about him back in 2013.
Somehow I found out some of my conversation with him back in 2014 I think, after he's missing for a year without explanation. OMG that guy was so so so piece of shit you know. Like most of the things he said to me is a B.S. He would be a perfect example of a NATO people. No Action Talk Only.
Some of the "promises" he said to me that never happened:
- He would be coming to Jakarta every month or 2 months to see me (after he's transferred to another country)
- He would come to my brother's wedding and meet my family (back in 2014)
- He would eventually see me in Colorado back in October 2015
- He would skype with me
not to mention he stood me up numerous times during our togetherness in Jakarta. Like he would make a vague appointment with me and by the time we were supposed to meet, he would give so many excuses like he's sick, he needed to go somewhere, he didn't feel like going anymore because of the traffic. OMG. I know, I know, how stupid I was. Even one time he suddenly said he needed to go to England for his friend's wedding (very very last minute) on our "supposedly" dating day?! He sent me his boarding pass and such, but seriously....
And I don't know (until now) what was his problem, really. Is he mentally ill? Like how do you think someone can treat someone else like that? Giving false hope everytime only to break it and disappearing without any explanation. Zero. Of course it was my fault too, to give him that chances. Well, I was a lot younger at that time and I've never met someone "walk the talk" until now. I would show some of my chat with him in 2014 I think, after he disappeared and tried to get back together. Which of course never happens. I don't even know if he is still alive by now. Last time I was in touch with him was probably in October 2015 when he said he was gonna fly and see me here. And... went radio silent. Crazy.
"this is your first time falling in love.. I've been there before, so I'm wary.."
"No.. I've always loved people. They just never reciprocated"
"Well.. since our love is mutual, that's making it stronger"
***
That's true. The part where "they never reciprocated". I was in quite a few relationships before, if you can call so. But I just realized now that most of them are jack-asses?! Not because it's over now that I talk shit about it, but that's how it was. None of them were being really real to me. In the end just taking advantages because I loved them so much. But one person that I can say was the meanest of all must be my Ex "H". I mostly talked about him back in 2013.
Somehow I found out some of my conversation with him back in 2014 I think, after he's missing for a year without explanation. OMG that guy was so so so piece of shit you know. Like most of the things he said to me is a B.S. He would be a perfect example of a NATO people. No Action Talk Only.
Some of the "promises" he said to me that never happened:
- He would be coming to Jakarta every month or 2 months to see me (after he's transferred to another country)
- He would come to my brother's wedding and meet my family (back in 2014)
- He would eventually see me in Colorado back in October 2015
- He would skype with me
not to mention he stood me up numerous times during our togetherness in Jakarta. Like he would make a vague appointment with me and by the time we were supposed to meet, he would give so many excuses like he's sick, he needed to go somewhere, he didn't feel like going anymore because of the traffic. OMG. I know, I know, how stupid I was. Even one time he suddenly said he needed to go to England for his friend's wedding (very very last minute) on our "supposedly" dating day?! He sent me his boarding pass and such, but seriously....
And I don't know (until now) what was his problem, really. Is he mentally ill? Like how do you think someone can treat someone else like that? Giving false hope everytime only to break it and disappearing without any explanation. Zero. Of course it was my fault too, to give him that chances. Well, I was a lot younger at that time and I've never met someone "walk the talk" until now. I would show some of my chat with him in 2014 I think, after he disappeared and tried to get back together. Which of course never happens. I don't even know if he is still alive by now. Last time I was in touch with him was probably in October 2015 when he said he was gonna fly and see me here. And... went radio silent. Crazy.
It is actually pretty embarrassing to show all of these again, cause what's the point, this guy just lied all.the.time. But yea, that's pretty much stuffs he said that still gave me false hopes, towards the end. But from those snapshots you can see how stupid I was LOL. Like a giggly girl just swallowing every words he said. Sometimes I think I thought he really was into me because he would shower me with expensive gifts. Perfumes, cellphone (newest iphone at that time), a holiday trip to Bali in a REALLY nice place, etc. Always took me to a nice place for a meal, like fancy hotels for brunches, dinners. NEVER let me pay.
That is probably very very shallow. I know it is very nice to get a gift from someone important to you, but that is ultimately not a guarantee. My BF right now never really showered me with that kind of stuffs, of course. I know his limitation. Yet with his limitation he still did things for me that make me feel like I've been given something so expensive. Oh wait, genuine care and love are indeed expensive :)
Oh well.. lessons learned, everybody!
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