The dreams that almost got forgotten

I am at the moment of my life, where I feel sooooo belong in here.
Work life, awesome.
Social life, even better than that.

I feel soooo comfortable here that when someone asked me, "so, what about your plan to go to school?"
aannndd... I started to make bunch of excuses.

"well... now I kinda think, what's really the point of that? I can still pursue a good career here..." and so on.

Yesterday that was exactly what happened. And somehow from the conversation with one of the colleague (who reaaalllyy encourage me to do it as soon as possible), I just felt like I was awoken from my sleep.

Come on, Sheila.

Afterall, it was what you have always wanted.

And this thing you do now? Will be nothing compare to what you could achieve later. If you're just willing to work your ass off a lil bit more.

So I began to write a good (hopefully persuasive) letter to the professor.

I was thinking, nothing to lose anyway. He must be a really busy guy too.

....


....


dududuu....


and this morning I got the reply immediately.

From a guy who I believe MUST be very busy.

And know what? It was a reeaalllyy positive response that I thought it was too good to be true.

One of the sentence he said,

"You have the type of experience we hope for in students in RCP so you are in a good position to apply."

I'm going to faint.
But first, maybe I need to work my ass off a liiiiittleeeee bit more :D

To Survive

If you ask someone, what is the purpose of their life? The answer will be a lot. But recently I was just thinking, the real answer is actually just to survive.

That is why when someone can't survive anymore, the choice is nowhere but to, give up the life?

Mention some of the things like,
1. Working
2. Have a family
3. Eat
4. Drink
5. Sleep
6. Leisure time
7. Traveling
8. Shopping
9. Pampering
10. Socialize

Aren't all of things what people do in order to survive the life?

Or maybe slightly better than just "to survive" (if you can afford most of the things), is to survive and be content about it.
You should feel content.
If not, than you will complain and seek for other things to satisfy your hunger. And usually, it is something bad.

This makes me questioning again,
why do we want to survive the life and feel content about it? Why are we here at the first place?
Why then we create another human being to survive the life they didn't ask for?

To make us feel content, no?

After all it is a cycle. That is why people then say, you can only live once. Why making it difficult?

You have survived.

Probably better than most people.

Just one or two things are not fulfilled in your life.

But don't make it too difficult to please yourself ;)

Listing a broken heart

I am back to the state again.
Might not be as hard as some previous ones happened. But still..

The same kind of feeling.

Longing.

Missing.

Deep down loving.

Makes me wanna write down some of it that I can still remember.

First: the very first boyfriend. Gave me the biggest break up ever. One, because I was at the most naive condition I have ever been. Two, I was just in love, for the first time. Thinking it would last forever. Pain scale: 9/10. I was crying basically everyday for months. Felt like someone stabbed on my chest, and it felt so damn real.

Second: this is probably just a minor heartbreak. Bcos he was just my rebound afterall. But still kinda suck cos he just faded away.. when I was just started to really like him.

Third: Second biggest heart break ever. Time to (kinda) move on: 2 years? He is the love of my life.

Fourth: a rebound for 2 weeks which ended up becoming a good friend of mine. It was hurrttt cos not long after that he found someone else. But they broke up too eventually, which kinda make me happy :D LOL. I know that sounds mean.

Fifth: not a rebound anymore and I reaaallllyyy liked him. Head to toe. He was super sweet for 1.5 mths, adoring me etc. I was swept off the floor. I thought this one could be different, somehow. But later it became a disaster. He who was adoring me, ended up dragging me down to the deepest hell (quite dramatic expression ;P). Saying things that hurt me really bad that kinda makes me traumatized for some time. Lesson learnt: a lot! one of em, don't trust the outlook. at all.

Sixth: a mistake. but what is not a mistake? That it didn't last long at all. Plus not much connection happened between us either. I was just quite shocked cause it stopped when I was just craving for more.

Seventh: most recent one. Big big mistake. It is just a mistake I can't avoid. Hard to avoid. But am trying to. One thing for sure that I keep on reminding myself, it won't be as bad as the ones before. I would be OK

Feelings = illusion

You know what could have been the biggest illusion ever? Feelings!

Remember the time when you feel soooo much in love with someone? You can hardly think! Somehow you become irrational. You feel soooo lonely when she/he is not there for you. You can't live with them. Every songs/places remind you bout them.

Let's say you have the cure in the end called "time".

When in doubt? Just give it time. That's one of the wise words I heard before.

After giving yourself time, and let's say you meet someone else, or you have other things to think about, and you move on.
You look back and think, "what the heck was that?"
"Why was I so stupid like that?"
"Come on, I was in love with someone like that?"

So if you realllyyyy think bout it again and deeply.

It was all just an illusion. It's just in your head.

Cellphone addiction

Hari ini saya mencoba sebisa mungkin ngga mainan HP se-intens biasanya.

Rasanya? SUSAAAAHHHH!

Rasanya semacam lagi sakaw gitu *kayak tau aja rasanya*. Kayak yang ngomong ke diri sendiri,"udah... fokus aja ke sekitaran lo. Toh apa sih yang mau lo check2in di dunia maya? Banyak orang ngga update sama dunia maya juga masih idup kok".

Tapiiih.. tetep aja KEPO. Siapa lagi update status apa. Siapa ngemessage-in gw. Grup WA lagi pada ngomongin apa. Path. Facebook. Dstt....

Itu ga bagus sih. Kayaknya 3-4 taunan lalu ngga separah sekarang-sekarang ini. Dulu ya megang HP cuma buat SMSan. Megang terus juga sih ujung2nya.. Tapi seenggaknya tujuannya cuma 1. Kalo sekarang? Kalo bisa b*ker pun bawa HP!

Skitar sebulanan lalu saya hampir keilangan HP. Itu rasanya? Maakkk... Kayak kehilangan belahan jiwa :( *lebey sangat*
Gimana ngga? Saya bobo sama dia, makan, kerja, ke WC, kalo bisa mandi juga, tapi takut dia korslet aja sih jadinya ngga dibawa masuk.
Saya panik, telpon kanan kiri, message kanan kiri pake HP mama. Bolak balik cek HP mama sapa tau ada yang membalas dengan jawaban "Iya HP lo di gw kok".
Yang mana memang pada akhirannya ada yang bales SMS kayak gitu sih. Ituuu... leganya luarrr biasaaa....!!!
Setengah harian saya galau maksimum. Diajak ngobrol ngga fokus. Kayak abis diputusin pacar.
Pas udah ada kabar kalo HP itu di tangan temen, dunia terasa lebih indah :)

Itu yang kini saya sadari, ini udah ngga bener lagi sih. Kok ya kita bisa-bisanya termakan perkembangan teknologi informasi yang melejit sangat amat cepat, sampai-sampai kita dikontrol olehnya? Coba bayangin berapa cepat informasi itu mengalir dari 1 orang ke orang lain walaupun jaraknya sangat jauh sekalipun?

Which is ada bagusnya sih ya.... Tapi saya mau nyoba aja deh. Bisa ngga sih ngga tergantung sama benda 1 bernama "cellphone" itu tadi?
Bisa ngga sih saya lebih fokus sama keadaan sekitar saya ajah?

Mari kita buktikan :)

20 Nov 2014

Something I wouldn't regret.

No matter how the future will be,

May not be the best thing to do. But I'm happy and relieved it's done :)

Answer that leads to a question

So couple days ago I couldn't wait anymore.
After 2 months passed by since the last time he told me, "I'm going to explain to you, face to face", I just basically on the edge of my patience.

So I told him.

You have been taking your time.
I am not irrationally impatient.
and I have never done anything bad to you.
(SO JUST TELL ME, NOW!)

Can I call you?
              OK

Phone call was about 40 minutes. That can be our longest record. Usually 10 mins tops.

The answer is something I knew already, but I just didn't know it was that serious. And that was the main reason he was just out of radar.

It led to another question, which now pointed to me

Will you be OK with that in the long run?
               I don't know
You don't have to answer that now. And I won't judge you whatever your answer will be.


The logic answer would be a "NO",

But then of course, when was I ever being logical?

PENGEN

- GoPro
- Iphone 6
- Mask + Fin + Wetsuit
- Ke Europe
- Dive Comp

Udah itu aja, ga banyak kok :p

*yakale gw boker duit*

Just got back from holiday...

cukup lama ninggalin blog ini karna suatu dan lain hal, sibuk ini itu.. sibuk training, sibuk liburan :p

Kemarin ini gw liburan di Lombok dan untuk beberapa saat gw bersyukkkuuuurrr bukan main di saat gw masih bisa duduk santei di pinggir pantei, makan jagung bakar, dengerin musik mendayu-dayu yang cocok banget dengan suasananya, minum, makan, dst.. At that very moment, I just couldn't describe myself. I'm too lucky.

Balik-balik ke Jakarta, karna suatu dan lain sebab pula, hari ini gw galou (hadeeh... abis seneng galou, maunya apa "-__-). Something kinda hurt me in a weird way. Something.
Sesuatu yang awalnya gw anggap ngga penting sama skali, dan gw berusaha menjauh. Tapi akhirnya susah juga lepasnya. Sekarang ada perubahan sedikit, gwnya galau.

It is a pattern, you know? You must have heard something like, "abis gelap terbitlah terang" or "this too shall end". But you do know also, that, "roda itu berputar" kan?
Which means, it scares me more when I'm soooo happy and content one time, cause I know I will be so sad when it ends.

And what is it with me that really want to know the asnwers of everything? For some particular things, maybe you just don't need any answer. Just, let it go.

Dan lalu kegalouan ini ditambah dengan bos yang langsung ngingetin berapa banyak "hutang" kerjaan yang saya tumpuk selama pergi ini.. Hmmm....

I don't want to complain. I'm already too blessed as a person, I know.

Changes and answer

I forgot where did I read something like this,
"you can't change people".

Which can be right, can also be totally wrong.

Maybe the better saying would be,
"don't expect to change people, or expect people to change because of you"

Just simply don't expect. But could they change? Absolutely!

In fact, when I observe everywhere, everyone around me, including ME myself, I realized that all of us changed.

Some of the words, the thoughts I wrote in the past, the ones that I said I dislike, I did it eventually.

Contoh lain yang agak simpel,

dulu gue suka banget ama duren. Sekarang? Boro-boro! Sampe si mamah bilang, "dulu pdhal kamu suka... mama dulu hamil kamu makan banyak banget duren" >>mungkin kecewa anak gadisnya telah berubah

Perubahan kayak gitu ga penting2 amat sih, hihi.. But the point is, we change. Which sometimes is hard to accept, don't you think?
What will come across your mind at first: Why? Why people change? Why can't you just stay the same? Why did you break the rules/promises you said?

And then come another answer:
Not all of the things have the answer, you know?

Why people are so eager to find the answer of everything?

Why sky is blue?

Why earth is round?

Why are we alive?

What is the purpose of life?

Why did I get through all of that?

and then we create our own answer, which may not be the answer, but we just like to think THAT is the answer.

Maybe.. sometimes.. it is OK not to get an answer. As simple as that.

Pleasing Everyone

One moment I was thinking..

Part of growing up is, realizing that you become more aware about something you did not care about at all previously (social, economic, politic maybe) and care less about something that you actually don't need to think about. But maybe you did, in the past.

I came also to the point that it is totally OK not to please everyone, it is OK to have someone disliking you, or maybe even hating you.
Why bother thinking about them anyway? If you have others (which I assume would be in a larger number of people) that love you just the way you are. And they won't be irritated by a simple thing you do.

I maybe am not at that point quite yet, but I um, tutor myself into that.

Part of growing up is also, try to simplify as many things as possible, enjoy what things you really do enjoy instead of doing things you think people might think that's cool.

I think what I'm trying to say is that,

love yourself more,
cherish it,
respect it.

Why do I add the "respect" formula into it?
Cause I realized also, that if you only love yourself so much and want to please yourself everytime you have a chance, without "respecting it", you will find later yourself doing things out of the boundary.

That happens a lot to people, you know.

People who starts to behave "this is MY way not yours" but then, look at them and think, do they have any respects to theirselves? I don't think so.

That's just, I can say, a totally selfish behaviour in such a short-time temptation *apadeh sel bahasa lo kedaleman keknya*

Itu aja sih,

mau nggacor lebih banyak lagi tapi ntar jadi kemana mana :D

Could the (almost) impossible thing become possible?

I have a big dream to pursue,
and at this moment now, it gets louder and louder inside my mind that pushes me to GRAB IT SOON

Yes, Sheila.
Don't always make excuses like "Oh well .. I'm still preparing for blablablaa"
Just do it, I guess. Now or never.

On the way to pursue it sometimes I get hesitant, anxious, doubting my self. Sometimes I would think , "man.. that sounds like a LOT of WORK"

But then just last night I was thinking.
I was thinking about how I got here now. My position, my life.

How I got into ITB.

Reminds me of one of my teachers in high school. At that time I was already admitted into Unpar for Industrial Engineering study program. Already paid all of the fees, since I was the first batch at that time. No return. Suddenly one of my teacher asked me
"Sheila, are you going to do the SPMB test?"
"huh? Nope, Pak. I already got a school. "
"Oh well.. that's a shame. I'm sure you will get accepted if you try"

That exactly words got into my mind very deeply. I was thinking.. Well.. Why not trying? Nothing to lose anyways. I asked my family (I swear I'm not writing this to show how cocky I was, LOL, but this is exactly what happened), "mm.. what's the best public school then? is ITB good?"
My brother gave me a bitter laugh.. "Are u seriously asking that? It's HARD to get into that school. Of course it's good"
I was like, "OK, challenge accepted!"

I was practicing all the exercises using one of the book I bought in a bookstore. Day and night, no "test preparation" kind of thing, cause well, as what I said, it was nothing to lose.
I did the test in Bandung, thinking I was screwed up because I left almost half of the exams "blank", LOL. And I got admitted :)
It was awesome to remember that moment again.. It was probably one of the very best night of my life, the night I got the SPMB result. The moment which directed my life into what I've become right now.

Secondly was the time I got my job right now. I remember the time I got the internship opportunity, in Jakarta. One of my seniors told me "if you got the internship in Jakarta, you have to communicate in full English. Cause most of the employees there are expats. You have to do the presentation in English as well."
I was like.. "DIE ME"
Yet... turned out it was totally OK. There was a bit of rocky steps to go through during the hiring process (which left me hanging and stressed in +- 3 months), but I just passed it all behind right now. I mean, I'm still survived, aren't I?

This is just to remind myself (again and again), there's no such thing as "Too much work... I'll just go the easier one"
No.
You WANT it, you WORK on it, you GET it.
No HARD thing, it was just your decision, either being too lazy, or SELF DETERMINED enough to get it?

Woosha..

May God bless me and my dream :)

Give thanks

Seorang kolega saya beberapa waktu lalu bercerita, tentang perjalanan bisnisnya yang terakhir kali menggunakan penerbangan kelas bisnis. Pada saat itu dirinya yang sedang dalam posisi "tiduran" ingin menegakan kembali badannya, sampai terdengar suara "krek... krek..." yang ternyata adalah, IPAD kesayangannya T___T

Singkat kata IPAD itu kemudian hancur seketika. Sedih? Pastinya... Secara itu bukan benda yang harganya murah, dan banyak hal-hal yang kemudian tidak bisa di"cover" kembali seperti foto dan sebagainya.

Sang pramugari kemudian melihat hal itu dan mengungkapkan rasa sesalnya, sambil menghibur, "kalau di kepercayaan kami, itu berarti anda buang sial. Anda bisa saja mengalami hal yang lebih buruk daripada merusak IPAD anda, namun itu tidak terjadi."

Yang mana hal itu cukup benar. Walaupun memang saya yakin benar tujuan dari "frasa" itu tadinya hanyalah sebatas "penghibur" hati yang kecewa, tapi... ada benarnya juga kan?

Itu yang membuat saya akhir-akhir ini lebih mendalami lagi hidup ini *macem yang bener aja gituh*. Maksudnya, apa lagi sih yang mau kamu keluhkan? Apakah dulu kamu sempat menyangka hidupmu akan seperti sekarang ini? Jujur saja, pasti tidak kan? Pasti yang kamu dapatkan sekarang ini jauh melampaui apa yang "sewajarnya" kamu harapkan di masa yang lalu.

Seperti kemarin ketika pulang kerja dan macet paraahh dari kantor ke apartemen. Sempat memaki berulang-ulang. Yang mana ngga bener2 saya niati, hanya pelampiasan kekesalan saja. Tapi berkali-kali saya menekankan pada diri saya, "masih mending loh. Bersyukur, kamu masih di dalem mobil. Bukan di jalanan, kehujanan, kebanjiran, kedinginan".
Kalau kamu berpikir lebih jauh lagi, di setiap musibah, ada rasa syukur. Bukan hal yang lebih buruk yang terjadi.

Ah, abaikan, mungkin ini pengaruh nonton tayangan "Mario Teguh Golden Ways".
Saya juga sedang mencoba menulis postingan blog dalam bahasa Indonesia yang baik dan benar ala ala blog mengenai capres masa kini.
Susah juga ternyata ya :p

That call...

My phone rang yesterday afternoon,
"No Caller ID"
I was like, who the hell is this?

And there I heard the voice
The familiar voice I'd never heard since last year.. Exactly one year..

I was too afraid to guess
I kept asking
"who is this? who is this? I can't hear you clearly.."
Yet deepdown I was too scared if somehow the phonecall might ended

"it's me.." he said

He wished me happy birthday,

"You must think I forgot your birthday, don't you?
"I just try to minimize my expectation"

He sounded so apologetic.. Sometimes it was just silence.. Keep repeating "I don't expect you to just forget all about it in one night..but I do owe you explanation"

All this time waiting to hear from him, all I really wanted was to punch him on the face. But one single sentence and it all disappeared.

I said, "there's so many things I wanted to talk to you about.. but maybe when I see you.."

The 13-min phone call ended..

Last words were, "take care.."

He texted me saying,
"it was good to hear your voice. I hope you forgive me"

.......

Of course I forgive you. But to put so much trust (again), I won't be too sure..

Remind me how awesome this Birthday was

No big celebration,
No party,
No surprise or whatsoever,
but I'm truly deeply happy inside.
That's enough to call this year birthday as one of the best one.

I came up with an idea to celebrate my birthday by taking my diving license in Bali. I was looking for a friend to go with and finally found my bestfriend since junior high school to come with me. I still consider myself lucky up to this point cause I can still find people to accompany my trip ideas even though everyone has their own schedule, preference, etc, etc.

Anyways, I feel happy and content this time of my life cause for a rare occasion, now I barely have any expectations, yet I got some satisfying moments. Let's say all my loved ones whom I care about, they all wish me all the best wishes. I repeat, the one I care about ;)
I spent these days with people I enjoy to be with and some of them are really really nice. I (again) feel blessed for that.
I did what I wanted to do instead of waiting for someone to do things I expected them to do.

And today, first day I go back to the office, I received messages from old lovers. Wished me the great birthday. Again, it was NOT expected at all. And why now?! I mean, isn't that wonderful? You got nice things when you didn't expect it at all.

That's happiness :)

Anyways, happy 26th birthday to me.. Can't believe I'm 26 already. Still fresh in my mind when mIRC was still IN, I always open the conversation with this line:

i_am_funny : asl pls
i_am_funny : 13 f mlg. u?

LOL yea, the nickname is so labil I can't stand it now :p

can you believe right now I'm 13 years older than that? (twice that age)

I can't...

:)

Trips

July 25-29, Bali
August 6-8, KL
September 1-5, Belitung
October 13-16, Solo
October 27-31, Lombok

How can't I be more excited? x)

The Best Advice

I said it many times before, that usually we are the expert when it comes to giving advices to our friends' problem.
When it comes to your own problem, it feels like electing a president. You ask everybody about their opinions, though in the end it wouldn't matter, since you would still do what you wanted to do anyway :p

Anyways, now that I did so many mistakes, I tried to learn, tho I learned it the hard way. One thing I learned is that I should listen to my own advice. It is hard, cause in my own head I would (in the end) validate anything I "feel" right to do. Which usually is not the right thing, cause it is just my emotion talking.

I try, to separate my logic from my feelings, and come out with my own advice to myself.

And by that purpose, now I will write the advice to my self:

- Letting go. It doesn't necessarily show that you're giving up, but you're strong enough to handle the truth
- You worth much more than "that"
- Don't stress out, take a deep breath and relax. It is just a life, afterall
- Enjoy your own life and don't depend your moods on something so tiny
- Don't really believe what people say, cause you are the one living your life, not them
- When u already gave 100+5% and it still fails, it's not your fault. Fault is when you don't know when to stop trying
- When it is bad, it's still not the ending :)


Smangat!

When Reality Punch You in The Face

I just posted something that I found from another article on website.

Basically saying that

Happiness = Reality - Expectations.

In other words, the more you expect something to happen which usually is something you want the most, the more you are going to be extremely disappointed when it's not happening. Well, it happens to me A LOT.
And I seem to not learning anything all this time.

Anyways, in other way, when you expect nothing, or expect the worst to happen, most likely you will deal with the reality much much better. Some of my friends are this kind of people. They don't hallucinate, they learn from their mistakes or even better, other's mistakes, so they won't be hurt too much in the end.

Someone who I thought was dead already, suddenly appeared on the surface. He said "I owe you an explanation".
I say it out loud inside my head "CRAP!" now I have more expectations about it. Some of my very very good friends who care about me and understand how reality does suck most of the times, told me, "you will get hurt. Just move on"

I guess I'm just that "kepala batu" and dumb on this kind of situation.

Oh well.. who knows what the future will be. I can't give any more comments about this

The most hurtful feeling

is when you think you have something, only to realize it slipped away from you, completely. You lose it.

You were very close, it felt real.

One day you think, did that even happen? Was I dreaming?

And you wish, you really wish, it was just a dream.

But it wasn't.

That's what makes it even more hurtful.

And you start to blame the One who allowing all of this happen in your life.

"Why you even allowed me to take a sip of it before? To know it? To be happy about it? If in the end you will allow it to go away from me? Is this some kind of joke? A troll? Because it is not funny at all, it is turning me into someone totally different from before. The broken version of me"

Sifat Dasar Manusia

1. Ga puas
Selalu ngeliat ke atas, ngeliat ke samping, ngeliat ke rumput tetangga, kok lebih rapi ya motongnya, lebih lebat ya, ga gundul2, ijo lagi

2. Pengen yang dia ga bisa dapetin
Makin ga mungkin, makin susah, makin dah doi pengen, biar dikate dilarang semua oknum masyarakat, makiin semangaattt

3. Pengen yang dipengenin orang
Masi nyambung ama 2 di atas sih. Mmm.. lo suka barang itu? Lo suka cewe itu? OK gw bakal dapetin itu semua, buet GUEH

4. Kalo lo yang buat/ngelakuin, gaboleh. Kalo gue, gapapah
Kesel disakitin, nyumpahin. Berdoa di lubuk hati yg paling dalem, tu orang pasti bakal dapet karmanya. Gue yakin, tenang ajah. Tapi giliran gue yang nyakitin orang, gue yang imoral, mm... gue juga manusia kan ya? Tuhan bakal ngerti kok.
Nasehatin temen gara-gara dia mo ngelakuin hal bodoh. Kadang ga abis pikir, kok ya temen gue segitu begonya ya? Gue aja yang ngeliat udah tau jelas gitu, musti ngapain. Hadeuh. Giliran gue? Hah! Mo dinasehatin dr A-Z, tetepppp aja dilakuiiinn... Mulai dari dinasehatin orang, ampe nasehatin diri sendiri, gak mempan!

Gw ga ngerti lagi ama manusia, maunya apa sih :\

*trus lo apaan shel?

Pistachio

Jadi cewe itu kudu kayak pistachio

Harganya emang mahal

Makannya butuh usaha dikit buat ngupas-ngupas kulitnya

Tapi worth it men..

Rasanya emang enak

Makanya walopun dibanding kacang laen dia jauh lebih mahal

Yang beli juga emang ngehargain kualitasnya

*racau di siang hari

Never seem to learn

Ever heard the saying "jangan pernah jatuh ke lubang yang sama dua kali"?
Or in translation: dont ever fall into same hole twice.

I bet u did.

So did I.

But I never seem to understand.

It's always, ALWAYS began with "it's ok, I will be OK. This is just for fun" and ended up making me miserable.
LOL.

Yea right "Just for fun". The next things that's going to happen is you realizing it will be all about this thing stuck in your head

And ruining all.

Ah,
afterall.. it looks like I've learnt zero. Go ahead, hurt urself again.

Open Vacancy: Cool friends

Seiring bertambah umurnya gw, gw jadi makin sadar kalo yang namanya temen itu susah dicari men.
Well of course kalo dibandingin pas jaman sekolah, lingkungan pergaulan gw sekarang jauh lebih luas. Ketemu lebih banyak orang, lebih beragam, entah beragam etnis/suku/warga negara/kulturnya, juga kalo dari umur lebih beragam banget lagi.
Kalo dulu-dulu terpatok gaulnya sama yang sepantaran banget (sama umur), kadang gaul sama yang lebih tua atau muda setaun dua taun aja udah keknya gimana banget. Nah sekarang? Gw temenan sama yang umurnya 30an lah, 40an, 50 juga ada, udah kayak ga ada gapnya aja "-__-

Dari segi pengalaman hidup dan pemikiran, selera musik udah cukup jauh beda, tapi ya... Isn't that what boarden our thoughts bout life? *caelah

Eniwei, recently I was thinking to take a diving license. Sebenernya udah dari lama sih pengen ngambilnya, tapi selalu ditunda-tunda. Nah, gw orangnya sangat ga suka travelling sendirian. Gw cengok aja gituh. At least gw harus sama temen gw 1 lagi lah. Nah waktu gw lagi mo nyari temen ini nih, gw langsung inget dan sadar betapa di saat sekarang ini gw semakin susah nyari temen buat ngelakuin hobby yang sama.

Setiap kali gw travelling, ada beberapa kriteria untuk travelling buddy yang bakal gw ajakin (dan mau gw ajakin) supaya nantinya gw have fun instead of malah bete. Cos well I did travel with people who I didn't enjoy to travel with.
Kriteria itu antara lain:
- We all love travelling, hence we won't be hesitate to spend money for this trip
- Walopun kita ngga ragu untuk spend money, tapi gw ga suka juga kalo my travelling buddy have different standard of this travelling. I meant, jangan terlalu pelit tapi jangan juga terlalu foya-foya. Gw gasuka spend money untuk hal-hal yang sebenernya ga krusial2 amat. Misalnya, sebenernya bisa stay d tempat yang murah dikit (tapi masih bagus dan nyaman) tapi malah milih yang mahal dan ngeluh mulu kalo ga sesuai standardnya.
- We love adventures. Nah gw juga bete nih kalo liburan gw udah mikir mau ngelakuin A-Z, eh deskeu malah pengennya leha-leha aja. Apalagi kalo sebenernya ada banyaak yang bisa kita lakuin di tempat itu. Hadeuh
- We kinda love the same thing. Or at least, have the same interests.
- Single, or at least, taken but not always with their lover. I don't against a couple. But well this is just my preference. Gw pengen liburan sama temen, not being a thirdwheel for the entire journey. And I just found it annoying when I asked my friend and she will be like "tapi ntar gw ngajak si A gpp ?" Hmmmm.... maybe u two should go for honeymoon instead of going on a trip with me
- Fun. Dari trip-trip yang gw pernah alamin sama temen-temen, ada bbrp yang gw have fuunnn banget. Most of it becos of the place. But u know what, I think the companies were the one gave the biggest impact. Trip yang isinya kita haha hihi mulu udah kayak orgil di negri orang. Ahh.. I miss those times

Eniwe again, I just found it hard to find more and more buddies like that. Tho I'm still lucky cos I will still find some. Just not a lot. Kadang lo deket sama some people, thinking you are buddies, only to find that he/she just taking u for granted. See? So, well when u find any friends that suit u too damn well, remember that they r really really precious :)

Ampir 2 bulan

Ngga nulis di blog ini. Udah cukup mayan banyak sih yang terjadi selama itu *tsaelah....

Tapi gini nih, kalo mo nulis soal apdet kehidupan tanpa adanya topik tertentu, slalu jadi bingung mo nulis apah.

Tapi bole deh, kali ini saya mau ngomongin soal keadaan sekitar saya aja yah.

Sudah kurang lebih 3taunan saya kerja dan tinggal di kota besar bernama Jakarta ini, dan makin hari makin saya elus dada (gaya bets) sama nilai-nilai manusia di dalemnya. Which makes me berkerut kening, tapi juga ya mudah-mudahaannnn yaaa ngga keseret2 banget.

Sebenernya yang namanya pergaulan bebas itu ya udh ada banget dari jaman entah kapan ya. Mau di Jakarta kek, mau di Bandung kek, mau di kota manapun (Duri sekalipun!) itu juga ya kalo manusia akhlaknya udah minus ya minus aja. Itu yang saya pahami. Tapii... di Jakarta ini yang namanya item putih itu udah ngga jelas lagi. Kalo ada kurva distribusi normal, most part of it falls in the grey area. Lo bisa bilang itu salah, bisa bilang bener, bisa 50-50, bisa "depends", dst..

Pasti, pasti ada alesan seseorang untuk bilang kalau tindakannnya itu "cukup" bener. Pembenaran lah bahasa lainnya.

Yang namanya marriage itu udah ilang nilai sakralnya (ya ngga smua sih, I'm just saying from what I've seen lately). Selingkuh, selingkuh pake hati, selingkuh fisik doank, temenan tapi mesra, udah kayak umum banget, semua nya pada sama-sama tutup mata. Lingkungannya tau, notice, ini mereka sama-sama punya spouse, atau salah satunya lah udah punya spouse - satunya single, dua-duaan, peluk-pelukan, (mungkin) ciuman dst di belakang, udah sama-sama "cukup tau" aja. No judgment (kecuali dari orang di luar circle itu tentunya), just purely having fun.

One of em told me something like this, "gw ngga selingkuh Shel.. gw ga pacaran,, gw ga nyari cinta. Cinta gw udah dapet dari bini gw. I'm attracted to someone, yes. But that's all. Purely physical, no more"

Another one told me more, "selama dia menjadi keluarga yang baik saat dia d rumah, kenapa ngga? Once he's at home, he's completely dedicated to them. 100%. Those flings kind of thing just for refreshment. Nothing more"

Gimana lo ngga jadi abu-abu sih nanggepinnya?

Kembali lagi kata gw, itu tergantung value masing-masing orang sih. Which you should have known, or at least have a sip of sign, what kind of person he/she was when you started knowing em.
Well it's not guaranteed since people change. By their community, their situation, problems, etc.

Gw tau sih gw nulis gini sebenernya gw ngga punya kesimpulan yang berarti juga :D

Kalo kata seseorang di masa lalu *ceilah*, "don't be stressed out too much bout life. afterall, it's just a life"

Take it easy, let it go, learn from it, move on, and don't fall into the same hole :)

I'm a Hybrid

I just realized I have always been one. Mulai dari kehidupan sekolah, kuliah, sampai sekarang kerja. It's not that it's something special, though somehow sometimes I'm kinda proud of it. At least I consider myself more open-minded. Though inside still judgmental yah... Yak yuk :p

Mulai dari background gw yang terlahir campuran. Bukan, bukan setengah bule kok ;p *ngarep itu sik*
I'm half Chinese from my dad and Manadonese from my mom. Dari kecil gw udah sekolah di sekolah katolik, yang mana mayoritas ya isinya anak-anak keturunan Cina, yang mana pada rasis juga. Tapi gw selalu berusaha blended in, gamau jadi objek rasisme itu. Kalo bisa ya jadi subjeknya, hahaha... Kasi bocoran aja ya.. Kalau di sekolah yang mayoritas isinya anak-anak Cina itu, kita pada suka rasis sama yang bukan Cina. We called them (the non-Chinese ones), Wana. Artinya kalau ngga salah sih, pribumi. Disingkat jadi 1A (one-a). Jadi kalau mau ngomongin di belakang, semacam seperti "dia kan 1A... iya ya...blabla..."
Oke jadi gw udah ngaku dosa soal hal itu ya.. Hehehe...

Lulus SMA gw masuk perguruan tinggi negri, yang udah diwanti-wanti sama bokap supaya gw ngga kaget nantinya sama lingkungan yang berbeda. Overall di sekolah negri ya lebih general komunitasnya. Dari yang ga punya sampe yang kaya banget juga ada. Dari yang alim banget sampe nakal banget ada. Dan pastinya yang namanya keturunan Chinese itu malah minoritas instead of mayoritas. Oh iya satu lagi, udah mah gw minoritas, agama gw juga minoritas. Nah! Ini yang beda banget sih. Kalo di jaman sekolah yang pada puasa harus nontonin yang ngga puasa pada makan, kalo pas kuliah yang ngga puasa harus sembunyi2 makannya. Kalau sebelumnya gw ngerasa sebagai kalangan mayoritas, di saat kuliah gw berasa minoritas banget. Ngga jarang temen-temen ada yang becanda ngomong "udah deh Shel, gw ajarin syahadat sekarang aja ya :D". Belum lagi ketemu dengan beberapa yang termasuk kalangan fanatik sempit. Gw langsung mikir, oh.. gini ya rasanya kalo jadi minoritas di sekolah gw yang sebelumnya. Which is still OK.

Talking about blended in, selama kuliah gw jadi merasa part of the "pribumi community" ini. Kalo sebelumnya ngeledekin "1A" di belakang, sekarang ikutan anak-anak becandain yang matanya sipit-sipit. Hehehehe... *peace ah*
Ada untungnya juga lahir "campuran", jadi kalo pada ngeledekin "lah lo pan Cina juga", jawabnya "gw Manado kali.."

Sekarang udah mulai kerja, I live in a two-sides of the world again. Apalagi namanya tinggal di Jakarta, yang ternyata, wow, wow aja deh pokonya. If you have the chance to reaalllyy live in this Jakarta, live the life, it's kinda awesome. Just be careful not to get dragged too deep into it.

I have colleagues friends who are soo so well behaved type of people. Need to be careful when talk to them about things cos they might judge you. Tipikal orang-orang yang married early 20s, have kids, have job, have their own house, etc.

Also I have "hanging out" friends who are so "party animals" kind of people. Some of them are so liberal that makes you think they are the "Sex in the City" type of people in the real world. But it doesn't mean I have to be like them. I'm just, I repeat, more open-minded. Life have to be balance at some point or you will end up craving for other's lives (and try to cover it up by judging them).

On the other side I have a family who are more into religious type of people. LOL. Diversity huh?

As the summary, office friends make me thinking more about my future, party friends make me loosen up more and enjoying my life, and family keeps me down to earth and still remember about my Creator.

Oh I almost forgot about my childhood bestfriends who will always be there for me. They are not too conservative or liberal. They are just as open minded as me. More to the "anak baik baik" side though. The only thing I know about them is, when life gets harder than I thought, it is to them I will eventually talk.

Afterall life is beautiful. You just need to live it to the fullest and keep being grateful about it :)

Having Kids

I may look like I'm nganggur cos I keep posting things this morning. No, I'm not (defensif sendiri), it's just my work has been done. Halah..

Anyway postingan kali ini adalah suatu pikiran random yang datang tiba-tiba sekitar sehari dua hari lalu. About having kids. Now we all know most people in the world (normal ones) would want to have kids, sooner or later. I know a lady in my last trip, she's 39, and one time she asked her bf (at that time) to have a kid. Kasarannya, minta dibuahi. Waktu dia cerita ke saya, saya agak kaget ya. I mean, she's Indonesian, so it's not really common for you to ask someone to knock you up, without getting married. But I understand, she's nearly 40, and probably she didn't really think bout that anymore. Mungkin pikirannya, now or never. Dan selama gw masih mungkin punya anak, why not?

Which leads me to another thought. Kenapa sih orang segitu pengennya punya anak?
Kalo lo tanya gw, jawabannya:
1. Kids are cute and adorable, and I want one! at least
2. People want to learn or start having a big responsibility at one time of his/her life. And having kids is a huuggee responsibility indeed
3. Basic reason: pengen keturunan, pengen ada yang nerusin usaha dia atau apapun yang sudah dia dapatkan selama ini
4. You are in love with someone, and just want to have something that YOU and HIM/HER make together. Not only make together, you make it with love, and they will just look exactly the combination of you two. Can it be more cute than that? Not to mention you will raise em together, which most likely they will behave like you two.
5. While people say that romantic relationship or marriage can end at some point, your parents-kids relationship wouldn't. Ever. That's being said, once you have kids, you have them for the rest of your life. And isn't it good to have something/someone to love you unconditionally forever?

Daann... mungkin masih banyak alasan lainnya. Tapi, one thing bothered me. I can't find one single reason, I repeat, one single reason, that is not your personal needs. Do you get it? I mean, someone wants to have kids, for their own personal ego. Ngga mungkin kan orang pengen punya anak karna, let's say, they know their kids will be happy to be born. They wanted to be born. They grow up and say "thanks for letting me be part of the world". Nah, that's not gonna happen. Cause what? People are just born and HAVE TO DEAL with it. You were born and BOOM! Deal with it! Life is not easy at all. It may be fun at times, but, it's just not easy.

So when we realized that having kids are our personal ego, what should we do? I'd say do your best to prepare em for the world. And you won't be around em for too long. You were the one responsible for their existence in this world, which probably it's not their preference.

Huah,
dalem ya? Mayan lah ya. I don't even know why suddenly I thought bout it. Just my two cents ;)

I wanna miss u,

like I miss my coffee in the morning
Coffee Latte with vanilla syrup
which I miss before my bedtime comes
when I start thinking
"I will get to taste you tomorrow"
yes, tomorrow in the very early morning
imagining your warmth and bittersweetness
and I know
I know for sure
you will be right there for me

***

2013-2014

If I have to mark 2013 as "something", I'll mark it as year of BOYS and adventure. Oh and one more. Year where I start to experience the so called "quarter-life-crisis"

I was involved with 3 guys who all gave me pretty heartbreak. Well the first one gave the biggest one. Without explanation whatsoever. Yep. Until now. Gila ya dipikir2? Tapi ya sudahlah.
Second one was my rebound. But ended up leaving me. Cause he didn't want to date a girl who (at that time) still in a relationship (walopun gajelas statusnya) dan masih ngarepin si cowo eta (yaeyalah scara gw cinta mati sama yang pertama). But know what? I ended up being a really good friends with this second guy. Cause we were somehow together for a while (really brief actually. 2 weeks. lol), so he knows me so well. He advises me things like a big brother. Protective and caring. He was the one warned me when I was close with the third one. I didn't listen. And turned out he was RIGHT 100%. So now I told him "I would listen to u after this since you were so right".
Third one was not a rebound anymore. But I really liked him. I was actually in Lala Land (as always), he was too. But he realized earlier than me, which leaving me hurt. And felt betrayed. Tho I know he didn't mean it. He is just a guy. Who is not for me. Period.

So that's about guys in 2013. Which is pretty funny actually, cause before that I was single (still dating but nothing meaningful) for +-3years, and the reason I was back on the track was because I wanted to feel the roller-coaster feeling again. Arghhh... Now enough with that! LOL. Ampondije pokoknya...

Adventure: note few holiday romance. Bali twice with different stories. Jakarta nightlife. Met new people. NZ and OZ for the very first time. Skydive (bucket list item) experience. Another holiday romance (supposedly) which turned to be a solo travelling on year end. Not so impressive in working-life wise, which I'm going to fix in 2014. Amen. Wish me luck! :)

(another) story of broken heart

yea I know...
same old story. LOL.

It's kinda good though, now I can tell that I'm one step closer to the right one. Probably?

Good thing also that it didn't go for too long to cause a severe brokenheart. I was just upset, a bit. Not much.
I don't hate him. I was just disappointed. Afterall there's a lesson learn from all of the guys I was involved to.
Don't give in. Don't buy every words he said. Take a note! With Bold Letters!

I'm not really in the mood to tell the whole story. But the primary excuses were:
Can't do LDR (of course. who can? well I can. not them)
So many differences (mostly discovered while we see each other in person)
There's another girl (sucks huh? well not everything goes as what you want. Welcome to LIFE)

It's OK though.

Keep having the faith.

Meanwhile, let's focus on career!